Welcome to the #1 wrestling program in the world, or so says Eric Bischoff. Announced tonight are Macho Man Randy Savage vs The Enforcer Arn Anderson, a Lex Luger and Sting tag team match, and twelve-time WCW Heavyweight Champion, The Nature Boy Ric Flair vs Hulk Hogan in a title match in the main event.
The first match is the former world champion Savage facing off against the dude who cost him the title at Starrcade 95. The match is as good as you'd expect given the competitors and the time frame. Lot of headlocks and lot of rest holds, but compelling regardless. Anderson really works Macho Man's taped arm and levels him with a nasty looking DDT before a REF BUMP gives him the opening to use the brass knuckles from Starrcade. Savage manages to wrestle the knucks away and decks AA with them. Savage goes for the pin, but not before safely tucking the knucks away inside Anderson's tights. 1, 2, 3, Savage picks up the pin and gets his revenge. Pillman and Benoit run out and chase Savage out of the ring.
Next up is The Canadian Crippler Chris Benoit vs Lord Steven Regal. So clearly, this match is going to rule. Benoit does not use the Horsemen music like Pillman and Anderson. Benoit is working heel in this match and Regal is dominating the early goings. The match is a blend of awesome catch-as-catch-can-style mat wrestling and super stiff strikes. The crowd is chanting "horseman" for Chris Benoit, the dude who just the other night helped cost megaface Randy Savage his belt. Weird. Regal lands just an enormous butterfly suplex that rolls into a back-and-forth pinning sequence between him and Benoit. Benoit gains the advantage and goes for a diving headbutt which misses its mark. This sets Regal up for a piledriver, but Benoit sunset flips out of it. Instead of continuing the flip into a pin, Benoit pulls out and gutwrenches Regal up for a tombstone, dropping him on his head. Regal somehow manages to roll out of the ring. Benoit goes for a high crossbody plancha which, like the headbutt, misses its mark and he crashes face first into the concrete. Regal rolls him into the ring and pins him. He talks trash to the camera as he leaves the ring and Pillman and Anderson come out. What an absolutely incredible match. That piledriver was a work of beauty for real.
Mean Gene tries to start an interview but Pillman, wearing a black leather trenchcoat, is too busy screaming at Benoit. Pillman claims that Benoit isn't pulling his weight, that he's good at limousine ridin' and jet flyin' but not at wrestling. He also says that AA is screwing up too. He says there's a hitlist now: Hogan, Savage, and "The Dungeon of Misfit Toys." AA tells Pillman to reign it in, he's out of control, and he's going to bite off more than he can chew if he wants to go after the Dungeon. Zodiac and Sullivan run out to attack the Horsemen, but The Giant is holding them back.
Sting & Lex Luger vs Super Assassins with Colonel Parker is the next match. This is a crappy match. While its going on, Sgt. Craig "Pitbull" Pittman comes over to the commentary table and demands an audience with Mongo, of all people. He asks Mongo to be his manager. Mongo declines, saying that Pitbull doesn't need a manager. All of that was way more exciting that whatever was happening in the ring. Sting is v.much carrying the Super Assassins as he works for the hot tag. The crowd is popping for Luger at every tease. Finally, the hot tag is achieved. After some real sloppy ring work, Luger gets Super Assassin #1 in the torture rack and Sting gets #2 in the scorpion deathlock for a simultaneous submission. Boring and awful, and I like Sting.
To the stage, Gene is interviewing Jimmy Hart and that big, stinky giant. This segment exists just to handwave away Jimmy Hart helping Flair and the Dungeon if they're feuding by saying that he's a mercenary. The Giant threatens to hit Hogan with something bigger than a chair.
Which brings us to the main event of Hogan vs Flair for the big gold belt. The crowd is so hot for this match its unbelievable. The match itself is totally one-sided with Hogan dominating Flair from the second the bell rings. Hogan hulks up literally the first time Flair gets any offense in. If there's one thing to say about Ric Flair, and there's definitely more than one thing to say, he sells Hogan's no-selling better than anyone else ever. A thumb to the eye knocks Hogan out of Hulk Mode and shifts the momentum in Flair's favor. Flair works Hogan's leg big time and locks in the figure four in the middle of the ring. Hogan manages to reverse it and Flair is about to tap when Jimmy Hart runs down, distracting Hogan and forcing him to break the hold. The distraction allows Flair to haul Hogan up for an absolutely enormous stalling suplex which Hogan, of course, no-sells. In fact, the suplex causes him to hulk up. He hits the punches, he hits the irish whip, he hits the boot, he hits the leg drop. Flair is out for 1, 2, Jimmy Hart jumps up on the apron again, distracting Hogan and letting Flair kick out. Hogan runs over to the apron to threaten Jimmy as AA sneaks into the ring behind the ref's back. He hits Hogan with the knucks to no effect. Hogan shows the knuckles to the ref who throws the match out.
Hogan then puts the brass knuckles on and beats AA and Flair with them. Pillman and Benoit run out and Hogan beats them with the knuckles. All four horsemen are kneeling in front of Hogan and begging for their lives. He's about to deck Flair when the Giant runs out, making the save, and carrying a bar stool. He runs up behind Hogan, goes to take a swing when suddenly the Macho Man appears and grabs the stool. Mach and Hogan chase all five men from the ring using their weapons. The Giant goes and picks up a table and starts to march back into the ring when the Zodiac shows up. I think he says "Don't hurt friend!" and forces the Giant into the back.
Mean Gene shows up with a microphone for Hogan to cut his promo. He wants Flair and Anderson in the ring next week. He wants a tag team match, him and Savage vs Flair and Anderson. Hogan says that he could take "all four of them shetland ponies" if they want because he's going to cheat to win. Bischoff confirms with WCW management that that tag match will be taking place next week. Nitro goes off the air with Bischoff burying the WWF.
Official Brother Count: 8 brothers over the course of one hour or .13 brothers per minute.
Did Hogan Go Over? Yes. It takes six men to even slow Hogan down and he's protected in the match with the DQ finish.
The Pepe Award for Pepe's Costume: Uncle Sam
Move of the Show: That rad piledriver in the Benoit/Regal match. Holy cow was that thing intense.
American Males Memorial Buff Bagwell Sighting: No Buff Bagwell, not even in a recap or a Saturday Night promo
Randy Savage Award for Least Comprehensible Promo: ""We're about to trip the light fantastic. We have secret weapons you never even thought about, oh yeah." - Macho Man Randy Savage
The I Love the 90s Award for Relevancy: In an unorthodox win, Eric Bischoff read a promo for the post-Nitro movie on TNT, 1985's "Legend" starring Tom Cruise, citing it as a movie about a land full of mystery, magic, and make-believe, just like Stamford, Connecticut.
The Tony Schiavone Award for Putting Butts in Seats: Bischoff revealed several times that the winner for the pre-taped Raw Bowl was the Smoking Gunns.
The Dean Malenko Award for Best Guy in a Mask: The Warlord and The Barbarian as the Super Assassins
Mongo Sucks: Mongo offered to beat up all the Horsemen single-handedly using Brain's body as a weapon. Mongo called the WWF "the kitty cat league."
Broski of the Week: Dude in the front row wearing a Horsemen shirt, yelling "GET AWAY FROM FLAIR" and waggling his finger in Hogan's face.
Advertised Next Week: Flair and Anderson vs Savage and Hogan.
We're out of time see you on Thunder!
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