Its a cold open into some hot action live tonight in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The Giant and Jimmy Hart are beating up Loch Ness instead of the "advertised" bout, Loch Ness vs Lex Luger. I guess having cancer makes you ineligible to be in the Dungeon of Doom. Luger comes strutting down the ramp, posing, and ignoring the beatdown happening around him. The announcers inform us that the reason the fight is happening is because The Giant wants to be the only giant in WCW. Luger finally makes it to the ring, Nick Patrick rings the bell and counts Loch Ness out. Luger heads up to commentary to declare his victory the "shortest title defense in WCW history."
Up next is an interview with Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan. There's going to be a Texas Tornado Tag match between Savage & Hogan and World Heavyweight Champion Ric Flair & the Taskmaster Kevin Sullivan. They also announce that Savage is going to be in the triple cage at Uncensored with Hogan on Sunday and that no titles will be on the line in the cage. Hogan asks that you call him, and not Flair, the dirtiest player in the game. Macho says that he's going to bring "uncontrollable chaos." The triple cage is just "the tip of the iceberg. Nitroglycerin-style chaos is gonna happen."
Next up is Public Enemy, Rocco Rock & Johnny Grunge, versus Rick & Scott, the Steiners. The Enemies bring a table to the ring with them and as the Steiners come down Brain says that they could be bringing "a whole living room" with them. As the bell rings, Scott and Rocco lock up and Steiner cleanly gets the upper hand, out wrestling the street fighter. The Enemies are heeling big time, as Grunge and Rick tag in. The Steiners are dominating the match when Eric Bischoff lets us know that Chicago Bull Dennis Rodman has been suspended for six games and fined $25k for headbutting someone. He heavily implies that Rodman will be at Uncensored. Expect Nasty Boys vs the Road Warriors later tonight!
The Enemies start using weapons on the floor to even the match up with the Steiners, who are outwrestling them at every turn. Rocco hits the moonsault on Rick, then Rick turns a crossbody into a backdrop for a two-count. Scott throws Rocco away with a superplex but Public Enemy are still keeping up. Grunge goes for a superplex of his own. Scott stuffs it but gets knocked off the turnbuckle anyway by Rocco. Bischoff pipes up to tell us a Former Olympic Athlete is going to the WCW as Scott makes Rick the legal man and Rocco pulls Rick to the outside. He sets Rick up on the table the Enemies brought to ringside. Meanwhile, Scott is mounted on the turnbuckle, throwing punches at Grunge. Rocco goes for a tope con hilo onto Rick and through the table but Scott makes the save, putting Rocco Rock through the table instead. Steiners hit the Steinerizer on Grunge for the three count.
Now we have The Enforcer Arn Anderson vs The Booty Man. AA is accompanied by Woman. Booty Man starts the match by literally dancing around Arn while Arn looks on, fed up. As they lock up, Booty Man outsmarts and outwrestles the Enforcer at every turn. Arn powders out and the Booty Man chases him. Arn finally gets the jump on Booty Man and takes control by biting, gouging eyes, and cheating as much as he can. The Booty Man hulks up as Kimberly comes to ringside. Woman goes to attack Kimberly, Booty Man tries for the save, but AA intercepts. The Booty Man is still hulked up though and wins with a hip check.
Next up is the definition of boring garbage wrestling as the Road Warriors, Hawk & Animal, face off against the Nasty Boys, Knobbs and Saggs. Nothing interesting happens except they're hitting each other with molded plastic chairs. Knobbs is the unconvincing face in peril. After the coldest hot tag in history, Saggs tags in. The Steiners run in and jump the Nastys. Animal wins with a shoulder pad shot to Knobbs. After all this, the illegal man gets pinned.
Finally, our main event of the evening, Flair & Taskmaster vs Hogan & Savage in a Texas Tornado Tag Team match, which, as far as I can tell, is just a regular tornado tag match. The heels are accompanied by Woman. The match opens with a brawl that continues through the entire, super long match. Flair rolls out to the ground, Hogan follows. Hogan takes a fan's giant cyan foam cowboy hat, puts it on Flair, and pulls it down over Flair's eyes. Flair wanders around ringside, blinded. Hogan rips the hat off and gouges Ric's eyes, so he continues to wander around ringside, blinded. Megapowers dominate the entire the match. This match is entirely psychology-free. It is a scientologist's dream match. Flair gets Woman's shoe and nails Hogan with it but Hogan hulks out of it. As he hulks, the Enforcer comes down to ringside. When Hogan runs the ropes for the leg drop on Flair, AA trips him up and drags Hogan to the floor. As Hogan chases Anderson around ringside, Brian Pillman jumps the barricade and attacks Hogan. Hogan and Savage are murdering Pillman when the Booty Man runs down for some reason and joins in murdering Pillman. Anderson calls for the Dungeon to come down to ringside and out runs Jimmy Hart accompanied by two gigantic dudes. The faces hightail it out of there as Tony Schiavone comes down to ringside for an interview.
Sullivan announces the triple cage lineup for the Alliance to End Hulkamania and the two gigantic dudes. Tiny Lister aka Z-Gangsta, a man who even Sullivan describes as someone you might remember from the late 80s, AA, Flair, Taskmaster, and the other huge dude, The Final Solution. Huh. Jeez.
Jimmy Hart calls Hogan & Savage "dumb and dumber." AA cuts a rad promo about gutting the Megapowers and letting them bleed out alone. Flair says that the Wolverine is back. I assume he's talking about Chris Benoit but for all I know it could be Z-Gangsta. Flair then threatens to have sex with Elizabeth on Randy Savage's hospital bed as Nitro goes off the air for the night.
Brother Count: Seven brothers, brother!
Did Hogan Go Over? I wonder why Pillman jumped ship.
Pepe's Award for Pepe's Costume: A little cowboy outfit which I think is a repeat. Come on, Mongo, have a little respect for the little guy.
Move of the Show: The Steinerizer, though I'm tempted to say the Booty Bounce or whatever he calls that hip check except ironically.
American Males Memorial Buff Bagwell Sighting: Dang it, WCW. Five weeks, no Buff. Get your priorities straight, Bischoff.
The I Love the 90s Award for Relevancy: Jimmy Hart makes maybe the most relevant insult in WCW history with his Dumb & Dumber crack. The Jim Carrey/Jeff Daniels film was released, of course, in 1994.
The VK Wallstreet Award for the Boys Up North: Eazy-E again refers to the "other guys" as the World Whining Federation.
The Terra Ryzing Future of a Company Award: Tonight's Nitro is really something else as far as debuts. In addition to hiring washed-up actor-cum-wrestler Tiny Lister, also known as Zeus in the WWF and the tie in film No Holds Barred, and debuting him as Z-Gangsta, they also hired Jeep Swenson, WCCW talent from a decade prior, and called him the Final Solution. Bischoff claims to this day that he had no idea thats what Hitler called his plan for the complete extermination of the Jewish people. I don't believe him, especially after Berlyn. A fun fact tying Z-Gangsta and the, ugh, Final Solution together: They were both in Batman films! Lister played the huge inmate on the ferry in The Dark Knight, aka the most likable character in the Nolan films, and Swenson played Bane in Batman & Robin.
And now, in honor of the Final Solution, No Moon Landing presents...
The Final Solution Award for Terrible Ideas: While the namesake is awful, this inaugural award goes to Eric Bischoff constantly plugging Rodman getting in trouble and heavily implying that he will be at Uncensored, going so far as to say that you should order the pay-per-view if you want to see Rodman on it. Its a disgusting promotional tactic. Not as bad as the holocaust, though.
Broski of the Week: Who brings a giant foam hat to ringside??
This Sunday, Uncensored '96!
Konnan vs Eddie Guerrero
Sting & Booker T vs the Road Warriors
Madusa vs Colonel Rob Parker
Giant vs Loch Ness
Hogan & Savage vs the Alliance to End Hulkamania in a triple steel cage Doomsday match
Make sure to tune in!
No comments:
Post a Comment