Its Martin Luther King Jr Day, baby!!! Too bad Seth Rollins is dead and can't commit a hate crime this year but at least we get the video package. Does the WWE know Nelson Mandela isn't American?
The show opens tonight with WWE Champion Roman Reigns making his way through the crowd. A woman in the crowd has a sign that says "Marry Me Roman" and the guy next to her has a sign that says "Roman Take Her Please." Evidence of WWE's pro-cucking agenda? Roman says on Sunday he has 29 other men to care about but tonight he only cares about Brock Lesnar and calls him out right now. Jericho's music hits instead. Welcome to Raw is Jericho, the ayatollah of rock n rollah is here tonight! Roman is unimpressed. He wants Brock Lesnar! Lesnar is going to be on the Highlight Reel. Still don't understand these weird WWE "talk show" segments. Jericho wants the biggest Highlight Reel ever and wants the three top contenders in the Royal Rumble match on the Highlight Reel tonight: Himself, Brock, and Roman. Roman acquiesces when the League of Nations' music hits, Rusev, Sheamus, Del Rio, and Barrett. The crowd cuts off Sheamus with a you look stupid chant so he stops talking to berate them but the joke's on Sheamus: I wasn't listening to begin with. Sheamus asks if Jericho ate his shirt and the entire crowd groans. He finally stops talking but Jericho starts talking. Then he stops talking and Del Rio starts talking. No one has said anything yet besides the shirt thing. Rusev then starts talking and he's a good promo, he says he used to fight steaks I think. Roman and Jericho make fun of Rusev, Jericho says Rusev has a small dick and Roman says off-mic "good one." Roman then challenges Rusev to a match. Jericho says he'll even the odds with League of Nations on the outside by being the special guest referee. Why can Jericho book matches tonight?
Thank god Jericho finally put a shirt on. He stole it from Mike Chioda though, that's hardly fair. Roman and Rusev wrestle a match and they keep teasing League of Nation interference. Commercial break.
Roman puts Rusev in a fireman's carry. Did the agent forget this is Roman and not Cena? Finally, the League of Nations gets involved and Sheamus drags Roman out of the ring and whips him into the barricade behind Jericho's back. Jericho ejects Sheamus from ringside and then does a bad cartwheel. He then ejects Barrett for protesting, followed by Del Rio and does an even worse cartwheel. This man must be stopped. Rusev tries to attack Jericho when Roman superman punches him and follows it up with the spear for the win.
Jericho is backstage with Stephanie where he starts cutting the cum-slurping gutter trash promo before she cuts him off and emasculates him.
NATTIE IS BACK! So is Paige. They play a preview of the upcoming Total Divas promo. I think the match is Natalya vs Brie Bella with Paige and Alicia Fox in their respective corners. Brie taps to the Sharpshooter in like 45 seconds.
The Wyatts are coming down to the ring. The cellphones in the darkness is still a really good visual with these guys. The Dudleys come down next and I guess this feud isn't over for some reason? They play a recap from Smackdown and hearing Mauro's voice is a real shock. I almost thought I was watching a good show for a second. Ryback heads down next to team with the Dudleys against the Wyatts and commercial break.
Its the Dudleys and Ryback vs Bray, Harper, and Rowan. The Wyatts go over with Luke Harper's roaring clothesline.
Big Show is out next followed by the Social Outcasts, Heath Slater is set to go one on one with the Big Show. Big Show knocks Heath out with a Dante Wilder-like right hand and then beats up all the other Outcasts except Bo who takes a victory lap and runs into Big Show's carcinogenic right hand. Backstage, Stephanie is hanging out with the League of Nations, putting them over and mispronouncing Alberto's name. She says something else but I've almost entirely tuned this show out.
After returning from commercial break, the big bingo thing is out on the stage and Vince and Stephanie are out to pick who will be the first entrant in the Royal Rumble. It would be really funny if they don't pick Roman. Vince makes a powerball joke a week too late. Stephanie puts Vince over as an "unbelievable human specimen" and he's just beaming. Vince reaches into the tumbler and can't open any of the balls. he takes out two and eventually Stephanie just opens it for him. And Roman Reigns is number one. They say they'll open another one to prove its not a coincidence. Vince still can't open the balls and Stephanie says "It's not like McMahon's Millions" because there will be a winner. They finally get another one and it says "Roman Reigns." And a third, "Roman Reigns." This would be better if Stephanie and Vince weren't trying to be funny about it. They finally go away.
Charlotte and her dad Ric are out next. Charlotte isn't wearing ring gear. The match is Becky's, after the break.
Team B.A.D. has their new music and there's no Sasha. What the heck. I think Team B.A.D.'s music is knock-off Big Sean but that might be mean to Big Sean. Becky will wrestle Tamina. Becky and Tamina. Becky is wrestling Tamina. Becky Lynch will be wrestling Tamina Snuka. Tamina and Becky are wrestling. Becky submits Tamina with the Disarmer after way too long. Becky demands a title shot but Charlotte says Becky needs to get to the back of the line. Becky cuts a rhyming promo against Charlotte and makes fun of her dad. She says the Charlotte apple fell far from the tree, unless Ric is a coward. Ric says Charlotte is the greatest of all time and grants Becky her rematch against Charlotte's wishes. It's only 9:45.This show is barely half over. If Lesnar comes out at 10 and not in the main event, I'm done then and there. I'll copy/paste the results from f4w in the morning.
Owens is sitting in on commentary and crapping on Cole. I wish Excalibur was out here instead of the three rubes who do commentary on this terrible show. Owens will be wrestling Ambrose in a last man standing match at the Rumble. Was this announced last week? The match Owens is commentating on is Dean Ambrose vs the former US Champion, Kalisto. Del Rio winning back the belt on Smackdown was ridiculous. I was so excited for Kalisto's reign and it goes to show, you should never be excited for the WWE doing anything ever and also that I was right that they were going to treat his title reign like trash. Oh its actually a tag team match which I literally didn't notice until the bell rang. It's Ambrose and Kalisto vs Sheamus and Del Rio. I like how stiff Sheamus and Del Rio work but sometimes it does feel unprofessional given how hard the WWE schedule is. What do I know, though. Owens is so good on commentary. He's so much quicker and funnier than everyone else at the table. This match is basically as good as a Raw tag match can be. The League of Nations pick up the win but I missed exactly what the finish was. Did Kevin Owens get involved? Probably.
They play a video of India tour highlights. Then, earlier today, the New Day lay the trombone Jericho broke last week to rest. Woods is a wreck. Kofi offers to get him a new trombone but Woods balks. He didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but he never has to say goodbye because Franchesca the Trombone still lives in Xaver's heart thanks to the power of positivity. Franchesca the Trombone wants Xavier to eat Chipotle and ruin Jericho's bathroom. She also wants Big E to beat Jey Uso tonight. Fran, Ches Ca. Fran, Ches Ca. They play the MFing By The Numbers package. I think Byron is doing the voiceover this year and it's really, really bad. Bring back the woman who used to do it.
After the commercial break, the Usos are out and Lilian says "accompanied by Jey Uso," its Jey Uso! Back to commercials.
ITS A NEW DAY, YES IT IS. Woods and Kofi are still in their funeral gear and they are very somber and have a moment of silence to the memory of Franchesca. The bell rings and it is Big E vs Jey Uso. Big E doesn't appreciate Jey's dancing, he finds it disrespectful to Franchesca. Big E wins with the Big Ending after a distraction from Woods. I hope one of these men shaves a stranger on the internet soon. The New Day will defend their titles at the rumble. Against the Usos? Maybe?
All the other black guys are hanging out backstage. Titus says they're going to give "them" a good old fashioned dirtnap. Now Neville is hanging out with the black guys and Titus thinks its weird at first that the small white guy wants to hang out with the enormous black guys but then comes around and they all say "keep the dream alive" in unison.
The MLK memorial match is Titus, Mark, Truth, and Neville vs the Ascension, Tyler Breeze, and someone, I have no idea. The finish is Titus tries to throw Tyler over his head into Mark's arms but Titus throws him too far. Mark then picks Tyler up off the mat and World's Strongest Slams him and Neville picks up the pin after the Red Arrow. Dr. King and indeed all of America's civil rights warriors would be proud.
Tonight immediately following Raw, JBL interviews Road Dogg. That's definitely can't miss tv.
Its finally time for the Highlight Reel. Thankfully Heyman cuts off Jericho almost immediately but oh no Jericho cuts him off in return! Heyman is a bulldozer though and the best talker in the business. Heyman says Jericho doesn't pose a threat to Lesnar and he is totally focused on Roman Reigns. Jericho says Paul didn't get Lesnar a bye past the Rumble and into Wrestlemania. Jericho asks if Heyman is worried about Lesnar's chances in the Rumble but he takes like three minutes to get to the point. Heyman points out that Lesnar never lost the title so he deserves his Wrestlemania rematch. Heyman says Brock Lesnar drives Network subscriptions no matter who he faces, so imagine how many subscriptions the Network will gain seeing him destroy 29 other men. Jericho is still pretending like anyone believe he could win the Rumble and asks what happens if Jericho beats Brock at the Rumble and becomes the new champ. As reply, Lesnar's music plays and here comes the pain. JBL says Lesnar is "the most revered athlete in sports combat history." I think it was Dave Meltzer who talked earlier this week about how the WWE announce team can't sell matches because they have no credibility. He's right. Before Lesnar can get to the ring, Roman Reigns' music hits and he makes his way through the crowd with haste. Roman spears Lesnar immediately and lays him out until the League of Nations hit the ring and beat down Roman. Lesnar pops up and clears out the League again. Roman spears Lesnar again to the most mixed reaction of the evening. The lights go out and the Wyatt Family teleport into the ring. They take out Reigns and Bray lays him out with the Sister Abigail. Brock slowly gets to his feet while the Family stare him down. Harper drops Lesnar with his big boot, then Rowan drops him again with the heel kick, then Strowman drops him a third time with his lariat. Rowan and Harper haul him to his feet and Bray Sister Abigails Lesnar. Lesnar's mystique takes another hit as we go off the air.
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