Live from the American Airlines Center in beautiful Miami, Florida, baby, its the post-rumble episode of Monday Night Raw! After a very exciting and mostly good pay per view and a mostly exciting and very good rumble match that made all of my personal dreams come true, its time to see what World Heavyweight Champion HHH and the Authority have in store!
Vince is out first with Stephanie. Vince feels good because he and his family broke Roman Reigns in half. Now Roman is going to give up like a blubbering coward like all the WWE fans out there. Vince has a confession to make, his first confession ever in WWE. Vince confesses that he enjoys the misery of others, which is why he enjoys coming out on Monday Night Raw because wrestling fans are all miserable. Stephanie is rubbing in the fact that smarks expected either Roman, Brock, or AJ to win the rumble, but HHH was the Authority's ace in the hole. The fans start chanting "AJ Styles" and Vince says, "Who?" and says he will crush him. Stephanie says nobody can hold a candle to HHH and this really sounds like they're building to a babyface turn for the Game. He comes out to his babyface music but he's in a suit so who knows. He opens his coat to reveal that WWE World Heavyweight Championship belt and boy does it look perfect around his very cool waist. The Asskicker is here! Triple H says its good to be the king. He says he put Roman in his place because, despite how good a wrestler Roman is, he disrespected Vince, who should be treated like a god because he created the WWE. He says that the WWE is his religion. WWE is HHH's religion, and Vince is the shit. He says he booked himself as champion because he wanted to be the champion and because no one else deserves it and will hold the belt until everyone learns some respect. He will remain the champion and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it, including Roman Reigns. The crowd cuts him off with a Roman chant and Vince tells them to shut up. HHH says people like Roman who disrespect the Authority will conform or cease to exist. Stephanie says tonight will be a talent evaluation, where at the end of the night they will announce the men who will wrestle at Fastlane for the number one contendership. Believe that.
Cole says a major star will return tonight because the @WWE twitter account said so plus Chris Jericho vs AJ Styles. At least we know AJ will win his debut singles match.
We return to Dolph Ziggler who Cole informs us is an integral part of Total Divas making his entrance. Flo Rida is the crowd tonight and he's hyped! Cole says his name correctly once, and then says it incorrectly the second time. Dolph will be wrestling Kevin Owens, who is not a part of Total Divas at all. Owens is still selling the Last Man Standing match, limping to the ring. Dolph superkicks Owens at the bell and almost picks up a flash pin but Owens rolls to the outside. Dolph follows but Owens hurls him into the barricade but by the time we cut to commercial a few seconds later Dolph has regained control. When we return from commercial, Cole and JBL point out that we've seen this match like a dozen times by this point. Ziggler avoids the cannonball, but then Owens avoids the Stinger Splash, but then Owens german suplexes Ziggler, but then Owens eats a superkick! Cole is still complaining about his glasses that Owens broke last night at the rumble. Owens knocks Ziggler off the top rope and then pop up powerbombs him for the win! No Sami Zayn, either an appearance or on commentary.
Backstage JoJo interviews Roman Reigns but I can barely hear what he's saying. I think he said he's not leaving until he hears an announcement, presumably the number one contender match announcement.
The Social Outcasts are out now for an in-ring promo. Heath Slater starts to talk but then Flo Rida catches his eye. Heath tells Flo Rida to sit down and shut up. Adam Rose calls Heath the Red Dragon. Curtis Axel is confused about why you would call someone by a nickname. Bo tells Flo Rida to step in the ring against the Social Outcasts, the Superfriends. Flo Rida jumps the barricade and Heath challenges him to a rap battle. Bo starts rapping and it rules. He's Bo Dallas and he's here to say he loves rapping in a major way. The rest of the Social Outcasts start bumping after every line they're so into it. Flo Rida raps back at Bo but its not as funny. Bo adopts a b-boy stance. Flo Rida says they just stepped into Dudleyville as the Dudleys come out! How did Flo Rida know the Dudleys were ready to come out? The match starts and then the outcasts take off on the Bo train, where they follow Bo around ringside with their arms raised. The Train travels counter-clockwise around the ring until they reach Flo Rida, when the train turns around and goes back to where it started. Bo has a singlet now. The Dudleys win with the 3D and Flo Rida celebrates with them.
Renee interviews AJ Styles and he cuts a totally acceptable promo for a few seconds before Jericho cuts him off. He puts him over, saying he's the hottest free agent and won the most prestigious belts you can win outside of the WWE. Jericho says "welcome to the big leagues, kid." Their match is next.
Jericho is out first at 8:58. AJ hits the ring at exactly 9. On his way down the ramp, AJ yells "this is where I should have been all this time." The crowd chants "this is awesome" before anyone does any moves. Jericho does a cool middlerope springboard dropkick and I cringe every time AJ takes a back bump. AJ tries a couple weak chops and Jericho laughs under his breath but then AJ does a good dropkick. Jericho trips AJ up and AJ lands flat on his face as we go to commercial. Back live, Jericho has AJ in a headlock. AJ does a super awkward looking bridge out of a pin that referee Mike Chioda was not prepared for. Jericho puts Styles in the walls of Jericho but Cole calls it the Liontamer. AJ gets the ropebreak. Styles then misses the high fly flow. Jericho responds with a lionsault. AJ goes for the Styles Clash but Jericho reverses it. Styles reverses the pin and wins. I don't know why he's not allowed to do the Styles Clash but this is two nights in a row he teases it but doesn't hit it. Its way safer than a piledriver why can't he do it. AJ offers his hand to Jericho and after some consideration Jericho shakes it. But he doesn't release it! They're nose to nose before Jericho storms off. Cole mentioned that Jericho was part of some big time tag teams in WWE history earlier and I sure hope they don't pair these two off.
English commentary introduces the French commentary team and the one guy looks like Redeye, the esports caster. The next match is Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks! I'm excited, Becky looked real good in her match against Charlotte last night despite her booties not staying affixed to her boots. This match is pretty slow but Charlotte runs in and attacks Becky for the DQ basically the second I lost interest. Charlotte beats down both Becky and Sasha and walks out.
Backstage, Goldust is rocking out to his walkman while looking for R-Truth. Goldust is looking for a new partner and he asks R-Truth to be his in the creepiest way possible. Truth points at his wedding ring and says he's married but there's nothing wrong with Goldust wanting a partner and whatever floats his boat or toots his horn is fine with him. As Truth walks away, Goldust laments that he always puts his foot in his mouth. Goldust is a fun character.
Lights cuts out and the Wyatt family is out. Bray is going to wrestle Kane. Again. There are some guys dressed as dead WWE legends (Macho Man, the Undertaker, Hogan) trying to get themselves over and are successfully doing so. I'm not mad at these guys for trying to get themselves over and I'm not mad at the crowd for cheering for them and ignoring this match, but I am disappointed. Bray hits Sister Abigail and pins Kane for three. There's a limo backstage and we will find out who is in it next. The WWE Reading Challenge is on, with the grand prize as a trip to Wrestlemania 32. I checked out the site earlier today and only adults are eligible to win, as long as those adults commit to reading at least 15 minutes a day.
Back from commercial, Rich Brennan is going to find out whos in the limo by knocking on the window. The crowd is chanting "Hardy" but its the Miz. Suddenly, another car pulls up, its a pick up truck and its the Rock! Its the Rock baby!! The Miz tries to punk the Rock but the Rock tells him to park his car. Also Rick Ross is there. Rick Rozay has his MMG crew with him. Also the Big Show is there and gives the rock a hug. The Big Show is working on his laptop. The Rock tells the Big Show that he should have won the Royal Rumble that The Rock won because the director of the Mummy Returns was going to hire the winner of the rumble no matter what and the Big Show could have a big movie star. The Big Show breaks his laptop. The Rock loves it. "That's what you do right? You break stuff!" I love this. Lana is also there and her hair is down which I think means she's a babyface? The Rock says that Lana came and visited him in his hotel room last time he showed up and called her a ho because Rusev smells like rotten testicles. He talks about all the sex moves they did together, including the DJ Mustache Ride. Rusev shows up behind The Rock. Lana tells the Rock she's engaged to Rusev and he says "mazel!" and tells Rusev how flexible Lana is. As the Rock walks out of frame, Lana starts screaming. The Rock says hi to Pat Patterson, its his birthday. The Rock goes to gorilla position and asks Miami if they're ready. Finally, the Rock has come back home. IF YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'! The Rock has goosebumps! The Rock steals a kid's phone and takes a selfie with it. The Rock rules. What, in storyline, was Rick Ross doing backstage? The crowd chants this is awesome as the Rock lifts his microphone to speak. He says everyone's ready for mania: JBL is ready, Cole is ready, "the other black guy" is ready. Byron's face as he says this owns. The crowd starts chanting for Randy Savage. The Rock says he's going off script and goes to talk to the guys cosplaying. The Hogan guy says his real name is Brother. After talking for a second to all those guys he gets back in the ring and tells them "that's enough" and says he'll slap the lips off their face if they make any phone calls. It was funny how they moved those guys from across the hard cam to where Flo Rida was sitting right when the Rock came out to interact with them. Funny. Woods yells at Rock for calling Byron "that black guy" because he's better than the two white guys. Kofi says its time for the rock to talk about some other black guys, the New Day. The New Day are the actual best. They say they beat the Usos up so bad they're walking one way and looking the other. They say "That's that poltergeist baaaaaby." They do a little Jumpman and then ask Rock where his gold is? The New Day have the gold. Big E says Rock doesn't eat his Booty-Os but he's still a smart man, because unlike Lebron James he didn't move from Miami to Cleveland, he moved from Miami to Hollywood. The Rock took his money and got "the hell outta heeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee." The New Day are so good. Its unbelievable how good these three dudes are. They got his ass! They did! They got the Rock's ass! They're killing me. The Rock says he knows who they are, they have the belts and they're extremely entertaining. He says they have llama penises strapped to their heads and Woods explodes. You can't say penises on TV! You can't do it, its not a thing! The crowd chants it and Woods is getting so upset. He explains they're not penises, they're unicorn holes. Rock says they look like chocolate cornholes. He calls Big E a woman and says he's so strong but so nerdy, its like the incredible hulk banged Urkel. Woods has to hold him back but he dropped Francesca II and says "did I do that?" The Rock offers to shove Franchesca up all three of their candy asses. The New Day forms a champions huddle. The Rock says they look like three uni-bitches in a circle, but they were in a straight line! Woods asks Miami if they want to see the New Day get real, but they don't deserve it and start to walk out. The Rock says he has a Plan B. Kofi asks if he's going to give them contraceptives. The Rock then points at the titantron and says "Them." It's the Usos. The Rock Rock Bottoms Big E. Jey Samoan Drops Kofi, then the three babyfaces corner Woods. After a double superkick, the Rock spinebusters Woods and drops the people's elbow on him. The Rock says he'll see everybody at Wrestlemania! The New Day are so good its actually unreal. They talked literal circles around the Rock tonight. The New Day made the best talker in wrestling history look like 2016 Chris Jericho.
Brie Bella and Alicia Fox are wrestling Nattie and Paige, both of them with jobber entrances. No storylines for these divas, I guess Total Divas started back up. Brie yells Brie Mode and goes for the boma ye to chants of Daniel Bryan. If Nikki retires for real, will Brie keep wrestling? Paige locks Brie up with the PTO but Alicia breaks it up with a gross kick to the skull. Nattie neutralizes Alicia with a roaring lariat and Paige pins Brie after her DDT thing, the Ram-Paige. If Nikki retires, is she going to still be on Total Divas?
They play a promo vid for their Boys and Girls Club antibullying program. I hope they have the Big Show do these talks and I hope he talks about the time Woody bullied him into getting brain damage in a boxing ring.
The Miz is out now complaining about getting interrupted when, can you believe it, he gets interrupted by the United States Champion, Kalisto. Kalisto reverses the Skull Crushing Finale into the Salida del Sol for the win. It was a pretty cool move but a totally forgettable match.
Next up is the main event. I think its Roman and Dean vs the League of Nations? I don't know who is representing the League tonight, at least Sheamus I presume. Its Sheamus and Rusev. Ambrose is all taped up. JBL says someone is going to win the "lotto powerball" tonight when the Authority chooses who will be in the number 1 contender match. They wrestle. Its now 11 o'clock and the match isn't close to over and they still have to do an authority promo segment. Reigns spears Sheamus and gets the win for his team at 11:07. Dean and Roman decide to get revenge on Rusev for what the League of Nations did to Roman last night. They double powerbomb Rusev through the announce table. Stephanie's music hits. She announces the Fast Lane main event is a triple threat between Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, and Brock Lesnar. I wonder what the finish of that match is going to be! I sure hope that dastardly Wyatt Family doesn't get involved!
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