From the birthplace of Elvis Presley, Tupelo, Mississippi, we're live for World Championship Wrestling Uncensored '96! We join the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, Tony Schiavone, and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan for a night of exciting action. Well, action at least. Well, like half a show's worth of exciting action. Heenan is wearing leather tonight so he can "wash stuff off" and everyone is excited for the Doomsday Triple Cage Match. The sadistic structure is already constructed off to the side of the arena! Also tonight, the Chicago Street Fight between Sting & Booker T and the Road Warriors, The Giant faces off against Loch Ness for a shot at Ric Flair's World Heavyweight title, and Konnan faces Eddie Guerrero for the United States Championship!
The bell rings for the opening match which sees Konan, announced as a Cuban ex-pat currently residing in Mexico City, facing Eddie Guerrero, billed from Texas, for Konan's strap in the only title match tonight. The two men lock up and catch, doing some very technical mat wrestling. This sets the tone for the rest of the match. The speed of the match is set to a breakneck pace through out and both men are putting each other through the paces. The crowd is split about 70/30 in favor of Eddie. The match consists more or less of a series of spots where Eddie eventually gains the upper hand through speed, but Konan manages to power out through brute strength. Some bog-standard lucha tecnico/rudo stuff but a breath of fresh air in WCW and being performed by two of the greatest wrestlers in the history of the sport. Konan teases high spots but never follows through, Eddie goes huge and flashy. A lot of near falls and innovative submission holds. Konan starts to rely on lariats and powermoves as the match races to its conclusion. A crucifix sitout powerbomb gives Konan just two. Eddie gets up to the top rope and calls for the frog splash. Konan tries to turn it into a backdrop but Eddie shifts his body weight and falls into a crossbody for 2. As both men get to their feet, Konan nails Eddie with a low blow headbutt. Referee Randy Anderson misses it and counts Konan's pin to 3. After the match Konan tries to celebrate with Eddie and raise his hand, but Eddie wants nothing to do with it and shoves Konan away.
Backstage with Gene, Colonel Robert Parker is nervous. Mean Gene Okerlund lets us know we can chat with the superstars using Compuserv and gives us a shot of the Giant looking very frustrated by fans in the chat. Back to the interview, Dick Slater is going to accompany Colonel Robert Parker to the ring for his match with former WWF Women's Champion Alundra Blayze, Madusa. Parker says he's wrestling this match against a woman for Gene, for Dick, for his uncle Tom Parker, and even, yes, for Elvis. He's going to beat up Madusa for all the men who want to beat their girlfriends but are too scared. He shouts "I'm the rooster," as we return to the ring.
Next up we have Lord Steven Regal, accompanied by Jeeves, versus the Belfast Bruiser, Fit Finlay. Finlay is still wearing his Judas Priest gear and mullet. This match. Bruiser takes it to Regal immediately and violently. These two men stand toe to toe for the entire match just stiffly punching each other in the face, kicking each other in the back, european uppercuts all over the place, and just beating the tar out of each other. As fast paced and technical the Konan/Guerrero match was, this is deliberate and brutal. Every submission hold is punctuated by punches to the face or knees to the face or some other horrible strike to the face. Every punch looks totally stiff and every hold looks incredibly painful. Of note is whenever the ref and Regal argue, he applies a choke without even looking. Both men come off looking crazy, dangerous, and full of hate. As the match concludes, Finlay hammer throws Regal into the corner and then hits a crazy huge backdrop. As Regal gets to his feet, the Bruiser shoots a double and transitions into a boston crab. Regal escapes and applies a lateral press for not enough. Finlay retaliates by just straight punching Regal's face until Regal is busted open. He monkey flips Finlay out of the ring and drags him to the entrance way where he smashes him into the doomsday cage. They head back to the ring as the Bluebloods run out and attack Finlay, resulting in a disqualification and the Belfast Bruiser picking up the win. He powers out of them stomping him on the floor and brawls with them into the back. Incredible match and, again, a match that between any two wrestlers would have been a breath of fresh air, but happened to be between two of the greatest of all time. What a match. What a show thus far.
Interview again backstage with Mean Gene, the Giant, and Jimmy Hart. Gene announces that the winner of Giant vs Loch Ness is the number one contender to the WCW title. The Giant then cuts a terrible, rhyming promo and calls out Ric Flair.
Next, Tony brings up how Madusa dropped the WWF Womens belt in the trash on Nitro, followed by a WCW Hotline promo. Finally, we cut to backstage where Loch Ness is being interviewed. He cuts a really good promo on Jimmy Hart. He says he hates Jimmy because he promised him a shot at Hogan but Jimmy backed out in favor of Luger.
Our next matchup is the advertised MAN VERSUS WOMAN match between Colonel Robert Parker and Madusa. Madusa is looking at her Bon Joviest as the bell rings. They lockup, clean break, Parker screams "I'm a man!" Dusty Rhodes is so excited about this, he's dropped his accent and is just laughing very loudly. Parker puts Madusa in a helicopter spin, she spins out into a sunset flip for a 2 count. Madusa then hits Parker with a scoop bodyslam and the crowd erupts. Parker tries to run by Slater drags him back. Parker then hits Madusa with a chokeslam. She goes high risk and hits a dropkick. Then successfully does it again. She then hits a very sloppy crossbody to the floor that looks more like a tornado ddt. Back in the ring, she successfully executes a German Suplex on Parker. As she bridges for the pin, Slater breaks it up. Parker rolls over and picks up the three count, sneaking a win.
Lee Marshall is backstage in front of a big diagram of the Doomsday cage interviewing the Road Warrior. They cut a totally nonsense promo where they threaten to "remove Booker T and Sting's brain stem" in order to make them poo themselves. They finish the promo with the phrase, "No one cares, especially us."
The fourth match is Diamond Dallas Page vs Booty Man in a Luchas de Apuestas I Quit match; If Page loses, he leaves town but if Booty Man loses, Kimberly has to date DDP again. Ed Leslie is a ridiculous human being. He gasses just walking to the ring. As the bell rings, Page is spending most of his time taunting the crowd instead of wrestling, which isn't a terrible idea since Booty Man can't wrestle. The crowd is totally into the Booty Man though as he dominates Page. DDP, even while in an armbar, is antagonizing the crowd. He gets out and tries to escape but Booty Man drags him back to the ring. Kimberly comes down to ringside in a Booty Man themed tutu. A terrible irish whip sequence gives Page the advantage and Booty Man plays a horrendous face in peril. After an everlasting, eternal rest hold, Booty Man hulks up. Page kisses Kimberly, she slaps him, Booty Man picks up the pin off of the slap. This I Quit match ended in a pin. Diamond Dallas Page has to leave town, Kimberly gets to leave with the Booty Man.
Backstage, Jimmy Hart gives Lex Luger an airbrushed jacket with his own face on it while crying and screaming "I love you, man." Luger then botches his way through a sarcastic face promo. He says he doesn't want to be in the Doomsday cage (Who does?) and he wants to be in the Chicago Street Fight with the Stinger!
Giant vs Giant is the bill for the next match as The Giant faces off against Loch Ness in a #1 Contenders Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Title. Its a quick match that's back and forth through most of it until Loch Ness misses a huge elbow drop, allowing the Giant to drop the leg on him for 3, booking Giant vs Flair on Monday.
Lee Marshall is interviewing Booker T and Sting. Booker T cuts a silly gangsta promo and then Sting says "Straight OG from the streets."
The Chicago Street Fight between Booker & Sting and the Road Warriors is anything but a pier six brawl. They wrestle the Road Warriors match, doing incredibly safe spots sold like ladder bumps, the Warriors no-selling most offense, piledrivers on the floor serving only to power up Hawk, and so on. Its nothing you haven't seen before and super exposed thanks to the stiff-as-heck Regal/Bruiser match from earlier.As its a street fight, weapons are introduced, chiefly a broom. Towards the end Booker T leaves the match, apparently turning on his partner and abandoning Sting to the broom of the Road Warriors. Animal, however, starts to chase Booker down. Backstage, via split screen camera shots of rest holds on the left and backstage on the right, Animal tries to hit Booker but gets Lex Luger instead. Luger goes off and destroys Animal as Stevie Ray joins in the attack. They beat Animal unconscious as Jimmy Hart handcuffs him to a pole. Back in the ring, Sting powers out of Hawk's hold and is quickly joined by Booker T. Book goes up top but misses the Harlem Hangover. Stevie Ray runs out next and nails Hawk with a chair. 3 count, Sting and Booker T win, making Harlem Heat the #1 Contenders for the tag titles.
Finally, we reach the Doomsday match. Hogan and Savage have to go from the very top to the very bottom, eliminating dudes on each floor in order to proceed. If either of them get pinned, the match ends and they lose. I don't know what the stipulation is but Bobby Heenan informs us that he doesn't want to watch this match. Simpatico, Brain. Although, the empty triple cage does look pretty cool, with the scaffolding and lighting. The Dungeon of Doom's team tonight is Flair, Anderson, Taskmaster, Luger, Meng, Barbarian, Z-Gangsta, and the quickly renamed Ultimate Solution, which really isn't significantly better. As the Dungeon climbs the cage, we are told that Z-Gangsta and Ultimate Solution are missing. Even they don't want to be here. Flair and AA are on the top level, the second level of the cage is separated into two halves with a door in the middle, with the Faces of Fear on the left and Sullivan and Luger on the right, and finally, the bottom of the cage is empty. Up in the cage, no one looks safe as Tony Schiavone teases Brian Pillman showing up. The faces go up next and even Hogan looks scared to be in the cage.
This match sucks. Its just your typical Hogan match just in the sky. The match goes on and on up on the top level until Hogan gets some powder and uses it to blind Flair. The powder floats down to the Faces of Fear's side of the second layer and, in the absolute best moment of the match, Luger shuts the chainlink door as if to stop the powder from floating over to him.
Hogan and Savage eventually escape to the second level. Jimmy Hart throws a chain to Kevin Sullivan but Hogan grabs it. This is now a normal Hogan match except now its 4-on-2. Hogan uses the chain to lock the door Luger shut, locking the Faces of Fear on one side of the cage. Hogan and Sullivan brawl outside the cage. Yes, they have already escaped the cage. They fight on some scaffolding and Sullivan teases a fall. Hogan then skips the second and third layers of the Doomsday cage and is brawling with Sullivan on the floor. They go to the normal ring, instead of the cage ring. Sullivan tears apart the scaffold for no reason.
Finally Z-Gangsta and Ultimate Solution show up. They force the Megapowers back into the cage. Nothing makes sense in this match. Sullivan has a big stick and he's poking Savage with it through the cage. Z-Gangsta chokes Hogan out. Everyone from the top to the bottom is in the last tier of the cage now, murdering the faces. Booty Man runs out and gives the Megapowers clearly rubber frying pans. This is stupid. Luger pulls out a glove thats way too small, hmm, and attacks Ric Flair with it. Savage PINS flair and escapes the cage. Worst. Horrible. Ugh. Terrible.
Brother Count: 0 Brothers for 0 Brothers Per Minute
Did Hogan Go Over? Hahaha
Best Move of the Show: Not really a move I guess but basically every punch or kick Finlay and Regal threw at each other.
American Males Memorial Buff Bagwell Sighting: NO BUFF
Heenan Rules: Bobby "The Brain" Heenan recommends searching your opponents pockets for money and valuables before pinning them.
The I Love The 90s Award for Relevancy: Poorly executed OJ Simpson, "If the glove doesnt fit, you must acquit," reference by Luger. In bad taste or just stupid?
Broski of the Week: The dude with the incredibly terrible Sting facepaint that looked like it was applied with a big ol' paintbrush.
Next Time on Nitro: The Giant vs Ric Flair for the strap!
Next Time on Pay-Per-View: WCW Slamboree '96 featuring the Lethal Lottery on May 19th. Keep the gimmick PPVs coming, WCW!
From the highest heights to the lowest lows on this PPV. I'm trying to be a little more concise with my summaries, trying to encapsulate the spirit of the match, big moves, and the finish. Hopefully, you'll get more out of the summaries without being bogged down with the details. We've still got a ways to go before the MSG Incident so hold on to your butts, WCW is gonna get worse.
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