We are live from Landover, Maryland, just outside DC, for the Countdown to Bash at the Beach! Diamond Dallas Page does a run in on commentary during the intro. He claims that someone stole his "Lord of the Ring" ring and demands that everyone be strip searched. Tony and Larry run down a recap of last week's title change. Eric Bischoff returns in the second hour and the Outsiders are in the building tonight!
First is the Steiners vs the champs Harlem Heat. Booker comes down to the ring talking to someone on a huge cell phone. Like Paul E. Dangerously huge. Larry Zybszko claims that he invented match psychology, the human game of chess. The ring is surrounded by security. Between the security, Ric Flair's buffet table and the commentary team, ring side is seriously crowded. The crowd pops huge for everything the Steiners do. Stevie Ray is a pretty bad wrestler, and so is Rick but its a bit less obvious how bad Rick is. He hides his badness inside suplexes. Booker hits a corkscrew crossbody for two on Rick. Rick reciprocates with a belly-to-belly off the top rope. Following a yazuka kick from Book, the heels get heat on Scott. Quick hot tag, Rick runs wild. Scott plants Booker with a terrifying Frankensteiner. Looked more like a piledriver than a hurricanrana. The Steiners go for a device but Colonel Robert Parker runs in and knocks Rick off the top rope, revealing himself to be the one the Heat were talking to on the big ol' cell phone. Booker T covers Rick for three, retaining their titles. The Harlem Heat leave ringside with Colonel Robert Parker.
At the ringside buffet table, its announced that the Horsemen will be in an eight-man tag against the Rock & Roll Express, plus Joe Gomez and Renegade. Arn Anderson just looks disappointed. He says, "We run the professional wrestling world." Mongo says some incomprehensible garbage, and we cut to a Blood Runs Cold promo vid. The knock-off Mortal Kombat theme is pretty great, can't lie.
The Disco Inferno comes down next. He asks the crowd who wants to see him dance. Its hard to tell if the crowd is cheering for him to dance or booing him. Before he gets to start dancing, Kurasawa's music hits. Kurasawa is awesome. He hits Disco with stiff chops, stiff kicks, then hits his move, an argentine rack backbreaker. Tony exclaims, "That's it! That's his move." Before Kurasawa can get the pin, Disco's music hits, a disco ball lowers, and a fat guy in a disco jumpsuit appears at the top of the ramp. Kurasawa is justifiably confused. Disco nails him with the disco ball and picks up the quick three.
On his way to the ring, Diamond Dallas Page ransacks a geek looking for his ring. A Jim Duggan talking head appears, saying he doesn't wear jewelry, just a 2x4. There is no Marcus Alexander Bagwell as DDP faces off against Scotty Riggs. The match feels like it lasts forever and might as well figuring its essentially a jobber squash stretched out to five minutes. DDP hits the diamond cutter for three. Post-match, DDP frisks Mean Gene.
Next, Macho Man Randy Savage heads down to the ring for his match against the returning Greg "The Hammer" Valentine. Macho is wearing his "warpaint." Tony claims the building they're running tonight is the biggest in the country. Savage and Hammer brawl around ringside. They make their way back into the ring only for Savage to eat a big backbreaker for two. Macho Man hulks up, goes for the elbow, but Valentine counters. Hammer hits a belly-to-back suplex and somehow knocks himself out? Uh. Anyway, Savage no-sells his way back to the top rope, drops the elbow, and picks up the three just as the second hour begins, showering him with pyro.
There are loud Diesel chants in the arena as Eric calls out "Kevin Nash," Diesel's shoot name. Eric says that no one's scared of the Outsiders as they come through the stands brandishing popcorn, cokes, and, most importantly, tickets. They offer popcorn to security and fans. Blood runs cold.
Half of John Tenta's head is still half shaved as he comes down to the ring. Heenan is convinced that the third man is going to be a familiar face, from the WWF or otherwise. John Tenta is squaring off against the WCW Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Giant. This is a big man vs big man match, where two guys who aren't exactly ring generals hit big man spots on each other for seven minutes. The Giant throws some big, loud, sloppy chops to the sound of the crowd "Wooo"-ing. Tenta does his babyface comeback, diving lariat, dropkick, etc. Taskmaster runs in with Big Bubba in tow. They brandish some clippers. The Giant hits the chokeslam off the distraction for three. Big Bubba shaves off half of John Tenta's beard.
On the ramp, Mean Gene Okerlund interviews the Dungeon. Jimmy Hart says the Horsemen fear the Dungeon. Bubba calls out Tenta for their Carson City Silver Dollar match, where a bag of silver dollars are suspended on a pole and whoever retrieves it can use it as a weapon. Also, if the Horsemen win their tag match against the Giant and the Taskmaster, they get a shot at the World Heavyweight title. The Giant says they're gonna shave John Tenta's entire body. He also says that he's going to hold the belt forever and geld the Horsemen.
A Power Plant ad runs followed by a Rey Mysterio video package. Midway through the vid, the Outsiders get a hold of a microphone and call out Eric Bischoff. Security and the WCW roster pour out the entrance and force the Outsiders out of the building while Diesel, Nash, chants "Attica! Attica!" Nash is pretty funny sometimes.
Backstage, Hacksaw has a mostly incomprehensible promo about finding DDP's ring in the restroom. DDP jumps Hacksaw but eats a taped fist for his trouble, tough guy!
Our final match is the eight-man tag, the Four Horsemen, Ric Flair, Chris Benoit, Arn Anderson, and Steve "Mongo" McMichael, vs the Rock n Roll Express (Robert Gibson and Ricky Morton,) Joe Gomez, and the Renegade. The match immediately breaks down. The crowd is firmly behind Flair as the heels are forced to powder. Once the match puts itself back together in the ring, Gibson does a frankensteiner. Arn Anderson takes a flip bump off an enzigiri. The match is just crazy. Joe Gomez tags in and has just embarrassing offence while the heels build the heat. Benoit nearly chops Gomez clean in half. Mongo tags in and Mongo vs Joe Gomez is the absolute pits. Luckily he's only in the match for a second. Anderson hits an awesome spinebuster on Joe Gomez who is, for his part, actively trying not to get spinebusted. Eric calls the spinebuster a sidewalk slam. Mongo does an okay powerslam. Joe Gomez makes the hot tag to the Renegade but only like, Ric Flair has to basically pick Gomez up and force him into Renegade's hand. Its legit embarrassing, Gomez really doesn't belong in the ring. Anyway, the Renegade runs wild while the match breaks down around him. In the confusion, Flair locks the figure four on Renegade and he's forced to tap out.
Post-match, Mongo says he'll do anything to win. Benoit threatens the Giant. He doesn't "call the Giant out," he cold threatens him. Anderson says, now that the Horsemen are back at full strength, you'd better start keeping a body count. Flair calls out Konnan, who he has a match with at the Bash, and the Dungeon.
In the outro, Eric sells the pay-per-view, tells the Outsiders to "put up or shut up." They cut to backstage where the Outsiders are making fun of the police before peeling out in a convertible.
Mongo Sucks: "Money makes da monkey dance."
Move of the Show: Steiner's frankensteiner looked like he literally murdered Booker T. The fact that he could stand up proves miracles exist.
Randy Savage Award for Best Promo: Jim Duggan
EXCUSE ME FOR INTERRUPTING YOU BUT OLD HACKSAW I JUST WENT BACK TO THE TOILET TO RELIEVE MYSELF I LOOKING DOWN AT THE GROUND AND LO AND BEHOLD LOOK WHAT I FOUND
is that the king of the ring?
I UNDERSTAND DDP IS OUT HERE WHINING AND CRYING THAT SOMEBODY STOLE HIS RING OBVIOUSLY YOU COULD TELL THAT I WOULDNT STEAL HIS RING BECAUSE I WEAR A MAN SIZED RING
you found this in the men's room? he thought somebody stole it
STOLE IT WHO WOULD WANT THIS FEMININE PIECE OF METAL WRAPPED AROUND THEIR FINGER NOT HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN BUT BEING THE EX BOY SCOUT THAT I AM I COME HERE TO YOU GENE TO SHOW YOU, ILL BRING IT BACK, ILL GIVE IT TO DDP IF HE WANTS IT
The Here Comes A New Challenger Watch: Kurasawa is Manabu Nakanishi. Dude is an Olympian and acclaimed NJPW second stringer. He narrowly missed the boat on a couple occasions and recently lost to Rob Conway. He was awesome in his first Nitro match though!
The American Males Memorial Buff Bagwell Sighting: The only Buff to be seen in this episode was a short clip of him in some promo package.
The Johnny Polo "What A Mark!" Award: Eric Bischoff using Diesel's shoot name.
Broski of the Week: Shout out to the lone granny with a camera during the shot of all the kids throwing up four fingers.
Bash at the Beach - July 7, 1996
Diamond Dallas Page vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan (Taped Fist Match)
Big Bubba vs John Tenta (Carson City Silver Dollar Match)
Ric Flair vs Konnan(c) (US Title Match)
Arn Anderson & Chris Benoit vs Taskmaster Kevin Sullivan & The Giant (No DQ, No Countout)
Rocco Rock vs Johnny Grunge vs Brian Knobs vs Jerry Saggs (Fatal Four Way Double Dog Collar Match)
Macho Man Randy Savage & Lex Luger & Sting vs Diesel & Razor Ramon & ????
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