Pyro opens the show tonight from Nashville, Tennessee. 34 Days away from Wrestlemania. Randy Orton's music opens the show, and, indeed, Randy Orton himself. Booker T says Cowboy Bob was known as the "Mechanic." I don't know if thats true or not. #OrtononRaw. Nice "Randy" chant. Randy shows some footage of Rollins putting Orton out of business four months ago.Randy is "just now getting started." The Authority, except Seth Rollins, come out. Big Show and Kane are just awful. Air Force Gator sign in the crowd, hi Dan Ryckert. Stephanie tries to bring Randy back into the Authority fold. Crowd seems reasonably hot. Randy says he'd rather "kick some ass than kiss some ass." Big Show talks and everyone hates him. Stephanie says Randy isn't a "good guy." Apaprently Orton has been invited to a "business conference" I guess I wasn't paying attention. Oh well.
Bad News Barrett comes out, without his coat or his belt. He will be wrestling Dolph Ziggler. R-Truth is on commentary. They push a R-Truth/Wade Barrett match. #GiveTruthAChance is trending. No one cares about wrestling. Not commentary, not the fans. Dolph Ziggler wins with a Zig Zag. Dean Ambrose comes down to ringside with the intercontinental title, stares down Wade and Dolph, walks back up the ramp.
Raw was the number one show for five weeks in a row or something who cares. Recap of the Sting/HHH faceoff from last night. They hype a Sting video package for later.
Backstage, the Authority convenes. Seth cuts Stephanie off while she speaks. Everyone talks over each other and everything is boring. Randy is just standing there. Stephanie is talking like Randy is still part of the Authority. Randy and Seth shake hands. Stephanie books Randy Orton and Seth Rollins vs Bryan and Reigns. How exciting.
The Prime Time Players come out to a jobber entrance for their match against the Ascension. The Ascension are still antagonizing old people apparently as they cut a promo on the Bushwhackers. "LOD" chant. After a one-sided beatdown on Mr. No Days Off, Darren Young rolls up Viktor to break the Ascension's undefeated streak. The Ascension then continue beating up Darren Young after the bell, hitting the Fall of Man on him.
Roman Reigns comes out for promo time. He cuts a little thing about winning the rumble until Daniel Bryan comes down. Bryan says he's the biggest Roman Reigns doubter. Daniel says the crowd likes him and not Roman, to mixed reactions. Daniel says Roman has more heart than him, and that Roman is better than him. Daniel really putting himself down in this promo. He congratulates Roman and shakes his hand. This sucks. Bryan walks off. Heyman runs in. He waits for Bryan to leave before cutting his promo. Paul Heyman says only an idiot would bet against Roman Reigns. He's saying Roman Reigns is better than Bruno, and Hulk and Andre, and Stone Cold and my internet cut out so I don't know what happened next. Heyman says Reigns is "The Guy." But Brock Lesnar isn't a guy, he's a Beast. Roman tells Paul to tell him that he "can't" beat Brock again, as motivation. Reigns says he's going to beat Lesnar. Believe that.
Usos vs Tyson and Cesaro next. The match breaks down at the end. Naomi stops Tyson from using the ropes as leverage. Nattie lays her out and crotches Jimmy on the top rope, The Usos win by DQ. I think Nattie blew out her knee though. I can't believe the show is only half over.
Miz and Mizdow interact to build the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania and the Miz's new movie.
Bray Wyatt cuts the same dang promo about the Undertaker for like the bazillionth week in a row. "Find me."
JBL's favorite rock band is ZZ Top.
Jack Swagger and Stardust wrestle. Stardust reacts to the Cody chants the same way he did last night. Goldust's music hits, allowing Swagger to lock in the Patriot Lock for the win.
John Cena. He cuts a promo. Rusev comes down. Lana calls Cena a failure and a letdown. One guy chants USA. Rusev says he's unbeatable and demands that Cena say that Russia and Rusev is better than Cena and America. Lana shows a slideshow from last night of Cena being unconscious under the Russian flag. Cena says Americans might get knocked down, but they always get back up. Cena says the Marines at Iwo Jima are heroes and Rusev is garbage. Rusev wont give Cena a rematch and deploys the enormous flag. Cole says Cena is the most patriotic man.
Seth and Randy have a civil little discussion backstage.
Paige came down to the ring. We cut to commercial. We return from commercial and play a Sting video package. I assume the Divas match happened entirely during the ad break? This Sting package is forever long. Oh no, okay the Divas are just in the ring watching the Sting package too. Great. Its the Bellas vs Emma and Paige. Brie immediately picks up the pin on Emma with an x-factor, the first move of the match. Commentary teases the Bushwhackers getting inducted to the Hall of Fame but like, they already announced this. And the Ascension cut a promo on it. Whatever, who cares. I don't. Turns out the Bushwhackers are being inducted into the Hall of Fame.
Curtis Axel is wearing a #AXELMANIA shirt. Curtis says he's been in the Royal Rumble match for a month now. He's entering himself into the Andre the Giant Battle Royal. Oh no, the Ryback is coming down. Ryback don't hurt Axel, he's your friend. Axel is trying to make Ryback remember that they are friends but then Ryback gets a mic, uh oh. There will be "one man last standing." Ryback is cramming a million made up catchphrases into his little promo. Ryback shellshocks Axel for three and my heart is broken. Rybaxel, rest in power.
Time for the main event, Rollins and Orton vs Reigns and Bryan. The whole Authority comes down with Rollins. They replay the awful Daily Show thing. I hate Jon Stewart. And I hate the WWE. Big Show is the world's largest, and loudest, cheerleader during this match. Seth tags himself in at the end and Randy throws a hissyfit. Bryan tags himself in and Reigns does not throw a hissyfit. This match somehow managed to not tell a story at all. The screen goes black. Some technical difficulties, says Cole. Screen comes back and Orton RKOs J&J but not Rollins.
This was one of the worst Raws in months, maybe years. What an utter waste of time. I hate you, WWE.
No comments:
Post a Comment