Kane, Big Show, Joey and Jamie, and Seth Rollins are in the ring to start the show. Rollins has a new shirt. Rollins chant. Seth is mad Orton betrayed him. The crowd really hates the Big Show. Show sucks up to Rollins and puts down Orton. Kane puts down Orton and sucks up to Rollins and kicks in a snide remark at Big Show. Jamie Noble calls himself the "secret weapon of the Authority." Joey refuses to talk into the microphone and starts crying into Big Show's chest. Seth Rollins accepts Randy Orton's challenge for a match at Wrestlemania as long as they also wrestle tonight. What. Why? Orton's music hits. Orton says he's not the face of the WWE, he's just "a guy." Everyone on the roster is just a guy, Randy. Randy accepts the match for tonight, and its the main event. He says he'll end the future of the WWE. There's also a Cena/Rusev contract signing tonight as well as a sit down interview with Lesnar.
AJ Lee comes down to the ring with Paige. The Bellas come down too and bury the #GiveDivasAChance thing in a pre-tape. Booker T says AJ is a "damn good wrestler." This is a long match. Nikki wins but I don't know how because my stream cut out.
Big Show and Kane are interviewed by Renee. They bicker a little bit for no reason. Seth interrupts but gets shot down by Kane and Show. Kane says he wont have Rollins' back tonight in his match and Big Show just leaves wordlessly.
Ryback facing the Miz to hype the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Ryback tells Mizdow to hit the Miz and the crowd explodes but the Miz fights out of Ryback's grip before he can. Ryback shellshocks and pins the Miz anyway. Miz hits Mizdow with his finisher.
The contract signing is next. Cena cuts a long promo about how ownage the US is. Rusev comes out but some stooge is there, not Lana. We Want Lana chant. Commentary is just talking over top of Rusev's attorney. He is supposed to be Russian but has a vaguely chicago accent. Rusev reads a prewritten speech. Cena strips. Rusev says the US will die and he is right. Death to America and all of its citizens. Rusev flips the table, I don't think he signed the contract. He runs to the back. Cena seems to think he did sign. Rusev drops the flag on Cena anyway. Okay, Cole clarifies that they both signed the contract. 13 nights away from an international incident.
NEW. DAY. They're wrestling Tyson Kidd and Cesaro with Natalya. As they're about to lock-up, Los Matadores' music hits. They're not involved in the match. Big E and Kofi are the New Day team. Cesaro pins Kofi. Xavier Woods attacks the Matadors for no reason? They roll Xavier into the ring where Cesaro neutralizes him. El Torito tries to get the jump on Cesaro and headscissors him out of the ring and Los Matadores' music hits. This is awful.
Backstage, Seth is lecturing Jamie and Joey. Jamie talks back to Seth and Seth hits him. Jamie quits. Joey wordlessly quits too.
Pretape interview with Lesnar plays next. They promise that it'll be controversial. He says he's going *bleep* up Roman Reigns. The End.
The Big Show's music hits and he comes down for his match. Time for a nap. He will be wrestling Erick Rowan. A double nap, Big Show knocks him out before the bell even rings. Big Show then drops an elbow on him from the second rope. Larry Zybysko is being inducted into the Hall of Fame. Cole calls him a "so-called Living Legend." Let's all go to Larry Land.
We return from commercial and there's a bunch of jobbers in the ring. They're there to hype the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Kane says he invited all these losers to the ring to demonstrate what's going to happen at Wrestlemania. Mark Henry's music hits. He throws his hat in, because that's what he does. Everyone brawls. Henry and Kane are tossing dudes from the ring like nothing. The two of them staredown then start fighting. Axel sneaks in and eliminates Kane but Henry eliminates him. Mark Henry is the last man standing. I think they just eliminated Axel from the Royal Rumble via throwing him over the top rope. I hate this company.
Paul Heyman is out. Paul Heyman cuts a great promo again. They do the mic cutting out thing again. He says Roman is a Samoan-American't, because Roman Can't Beat Brock. Roman's music hits and he's wearing a shirt that says "I Can." He has a microphone. Great. Roman says Paul is the "best talker ever." Daniel Bryan chants. He says he'll beat Brock Lesnar because he can, he will, and he believes that. What.
The Intercontinental Ladder Match contestants minus r truth are going to have a big tag team match. My main man D-Bry, Dolph Ziggler, and Dean Ambrose vs Bad News Barrett, Stardust, and Luke Harper. One of these six men is a turd. R-Truth comes down to ringside to spectate. Truth has the Intercon belt strapped to his back. Cole and Truth are bickering on commentary and I'm not paying attention. Ambrose wins with a Dirty Deeds on Bad News. Stardust steals the title from Truth but Ambrose chases him down into the crowd. Truth gets it back and tries to leave before Harper cuts him off. Truth throws the belt into the ring where Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler fight over it. Everyone hits their finishers. Wade Barrett bullhammers everyone still standing and walks out with the belt.
Seth and HHH interact. Seth talks back and HHH ejects him from backstage.
Bray Wyatt cuts a boring promo on the titantron. He has the Urn and its red now for some reason? He pours ashes out of it and shows clips of Undertaker being beat up at Wrestlemania last year and says the Undertaker is afraid to reveal how weak he is by showing up on Raw. No Undertaker.
Orton and Rollins time. Rollins comes out alone. All the Authority tension was just a swerve and they are all united still! What a boring waste of time tonight was! Randy gets a chair while the entire Authority converges on him. The lights go out. They come back and Sting is in the ring wearing his Sgt. Pepper robe. They clear the ring. Sting Stinger Splashes Joey and Jamie. He Scorpion Death Drops Jamie. Orton RKOs Joey. Orton and Sting stand tall as Raw goes off the air. Cole says this was one of the greatest moments in Raw history. I, for one, do not believe him.
No comments:
Post a Comment