Orton opens the show tonight from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Authority, minus the McMahons, are in the ring. Huge hatchet man sign front and center. Kane welcomes Orton back into the Authority, officially. The crowd is very loud, booing Big Show. Big Show lashes out at them. Big Show is cool when he's not wrestling. Randy and Show shake hands. Jamie Noble cuts a promo. Noble says Randy is a "snake" who can't be trusted. Seth says Jamie is the "sensitive one." Seth tries to get Joey to talk about Randy but he refuses. "Everyone's saying 'Randy Orton isn't really part of the Authority." Show screams "HA HA WROOONNNNGGG" at the top of his lungs. Orton and Seth shake hands. Orton says the Authority has gone soft. Calls Kane the Devil's Favorite Dumbass. He says Big Show just bitches and moans. The most pathetic superstar in history. He says Jamie is jealous of Randy because Randy can ride all the rides at Disney Land. He doesn't say anything to Joey. Randy reveals his master plan to make Rollins his bitch. RKO chant. Randy punks Seth out and then says he's screwing with everyone. Seth Rollins still thinks he's going to take over for Jon Stewart. The main event tonight is a rematch of last week's, because that's best for business.
Daniel Bryan's music hits R-Truth is on commentary yet again. Wade Barrett is wrestling Daniel Bryan tonight. R-Truth brought a bag to ringside with him. He claims it contains "his business." Cole and JBL bicker over Dikembe Mutombo for what feels like an eternity. Bryan gets a quick pin over Barrett in a nothing match while four 50 year old men make "jokes" on commentary. Barrett bullhammers Bryan post-match. Truth says it wasnt him who stole Barrett's title. He keeps repeating "it wasn't me!" Dean Ambrose's music hits, he sprints down the ramp and lays out Barrett. Ambrose is in action, live, next!
A Sting/HHH video package plays and its incredibly boring. 20 nights away from Wrestlemania. Ambrose will be wrestling Stardust who has possession of the Intercontinental belt. R-Truth is still out on commentary. He says he's going to go pick potatoes. Hashtag What's In The Bag. R-Truth says he's the man of steel but that doesn't mean he's stolen anything. Ambrose gets the pin with Dirty Deeds. Nothing matters, who cares. Barrett, Bryan, and Luke Harper run in and brawl. Dolph Ziggler appears out of nowhere and brawls as well. Truth sneaks up and steals the belt, putting it in his burlap sack. He returns to commentary and claims it wasn't him who stole the title. Everyone hits their finishers and its a big mess. JBL is a narc and sells out Truth as the belt stealer. Truth gives Barrett a burlap sack and prances away to the back. Barrett empties his bag to reveal a replica title! Truth had the real title all along! JBL wants someone to "call the damn po-lice!"
Connor the Crusher to be inducted to the WWE Hall of Fame in memory of the Ultimate Warrior i guess?
Paul Heyman out to introduce a video. Its a Roman Reigns hype video. Heyman then introduces Brock Lesnar. Heyman says he's going to tell the truth about Roman Reigns, not WWE propaganda. He cuts a racist promo. Heyman is saying Roman has been pro wrestling on the hard streets of Pensacola since he was a toddler. Heyman says there will be no Montreal scenarios at Wrestlemania. They cut his mic again this week. Paul Heyman is incredible. Heyman says Brock is going to unify the WWE and UFC Heavyweight titles. The WWE WHC no longer belongs to the WWE, it belongs to Brock Lesnar. Lesnar is an unstoppable force of nature and will forever be the reigning, defending, WWE heavyweight champion of the world.
Bray Wyatt invites the Undertaker to find him.
Kane and Big Show are in the ring when we return from commercial break. They will be facing Erick Rowan and Ryback, coming out to Erick Rowan's music. I don't care about this match and I challenge you to find anyone that does. The camera misses the finish and Erick Rowan gets the pin somehow who knows. Kane and Show argue until Stephanie's music hits. She grounds them.
They replay the erectile dysfunction ad thing. This was so funny the first time!!! Wiz Khalifa shows up and interacts with The Miz. The Wiz and Miz brands are incompatible. Wiz introduces Damian Wizdow. He raps. Sheamus video package.
Wiz Khalifa comes out. He plays We Dem Boys. I wish he did Young Wild and Free or Black and Yellow. I like those songs of his. Oh he plays Black and Yellow second. He's also doing a third song I've never heard before.
Summer Rae and AJ wrestle after the Bellas cut a bizarre Flintstones themed promo while wearing Flintstones themed gear. AJ wins with the black widow. A fairly long match for a womens match, Give Divas a Chance.
Sting video package. They are voice modulating Sting for no reason. Why. Why would they use a fake Sting voice. What is wrong with this company.
Cena confronts Rusev backstage. He says "performing at wrestlemania is a privilege." Cena stands up for America.
Rusev heads down to ringside with Lana. He beats Curtis Axel in a nothing match. Rusev owns America in a really good promo where he says God spits on America. Cena comes out to no music. They brawl, Cena puts Rusev in the STF while the crowd chants USA. Cena chokes him out and pours a bottle of water on him. This water wakes him up. Cena locks the STF in again and Rusev taps out but its not a match! Lana starts begging John to let Rusev go and gives Cena a US title match at Wrestlemania. Cena's music plays.
Bray Wyatt has the urn.
New Day are set for tag team action here tonight. They play a terrible pre-tape. What happened to the Flatbush Zombies. Cesaro and Kidd and Nattie come down. I think this is a tag team match. Xavier and Big E vs Cesaro and Kidd. New Day (New Day). Woods pins Kidd off a distraction. The Usos come down for some reason. Oh, because Naomi is going to wrestle Natalya. Naomi wins with the Rear View. Nattie leaves with Tyson's belt. Los Matadores' music hits. I guess they are going to wrestle the Usos. CM Punk chants during this incredibly boring, heatless match. Jey had a bad dive and almost paralyzed himself. Diego gets the pin off a distraction on Jimmy.
In a backstage segment with Seth Rollins the camera wont stop zooming in and out for no reason and I'm getting queasy. Has to happen at least once a week, I guess.
Wyatt is in the ring. He cuts a Bray Wyatt promo. He has the urn. Bray opens it and sets it down, saying its empty, shallow, and hollow but then smoke starts to pour out of it as lightning fills the arena. The bell tolls and the lights cut out. It tolls again. It tolls a third time and the urn is gone, replaced with Wyatt's chair that got destroyed however long ago. The titantron says "Wrestlemania The Man Come Around." Taker's voice echoes through the arena, "You will rest in peace." Bray's chair bursts into flame. #spectacle.
Time for the handicap match, Orton and Rollins vs Reigns. Randy decks Jamie Noble while Seth and Reigns wrestle. Seth orders Joey to take unconscious Jamie to the back. Reigns runs wild for a bit and Orton gives Seth the old short arm instead of a hot tag. Orton flips him off, but the camera situates it so his fingers are just out of frame. Reigns spears Rollins off the distraction for three. Post\match, Orton beats up Seth all around the ringside area. Seth crawls out of the ringside area, into the crowd. Randy follows him with a chair. This is really, really boring. Orton holds Seth up in front of this screaming and crying girl, telling her to take a picture. That was entertaining. He hangman DDTs him off the barricade. This overrun is really long. Randy sets Seth up on the announce table. He RKOs him through it.
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