I tuned in late and Lesnar is in the ring! Paul Heyman is there with him! Lesnar's new shirt is purple instead of green but its the exact same design and I guess we're in beautiful Birmingham, Alabama tonight!
Heyman either calls Brock the "Nightmare of Suplex City" or the "Ninth Mayor of Suplex City," I can't tell which. He says the Authority tried to take him out of the title hunt but it didn't work. That doesn't make much sense because they booked Brock in that triple threat. Brother vs brother vs beast. Heyman is just recapping last week's episode of Raw. Heyman says Brock will beat Roman and Dean at Fast Lane and then go on to beat the "billion dollar trophy husband" at Wrestlemania to become the champ again. Heyman says Roman needs to explain to Dean what its like to get beat down by Lesnar. Dean comes out with the Intercontinental title. Dean calls Heyman "porky." He then gets in Lesnar's face to prove he's not crazy, not stupid, and isn't scared of him. But he respects him. Lesnar isn't that much taller than Dean. Dean says he wants the WWE title so bad he'll fight Roman and Lesnar despite not wanting to fight either of them. He dares Lesnar to take him to Suplex City because he's the iron man of the WWE. Ambrose won't stay down and he will take the title from HHH! He apologizes for interrupting and leaves. Lesnar laughs at him as he walks up the ramp. That's the end of the segment.
Del Rio is on commentary, not wearing a shirt, while Kalisto faces off against Rusev. Del Rio says Michael Cole likes to "support little guys." Kalisto unsurprisingly wins via count out and Del Rio is mad.
Stephanie is singing a song when she interrupts Roman and Dean gazing lustily at Triple H's belt in a glass display case. Roman and Stephanie are acting like Stephanie is the champ and not Triple H. Triple H is a lot cooler than Stephanie. Stephanie is trying to play Dean and Roman against each other but it isn't working and their dialog feels like the absolutely worst Joss Whedon dialog ever written. She books them against the New Day to prove that they're friends. "New Day Rocks" chants drown out the rest of this segment.
Cole talks over a slideshow of Nikki Bella going in for neck surgery. Nikki promised that she would be back so I guess the retirement talk was a Total Divas work? Renee interviews Brie. Brie says the doctors are optimistic that Nikki will return to the ring. Brie plugs her episode of WWE Ride A Long on the WWE Network. Charlotte and Ric run in on the interview and Charlotte says to give Nikki her condolences. Charlotte says she should apologize for breaking Nikki's neck, but won't apologize because she's the champion now. Charlotte says that Nikki is "enjoying online shopping" and Brie looks very offended. Byron says "Charlotte is quite the spicy one, isn't she."
The Usos! Commercial break.
Lilian introduces the Usos as Grammy Award Winners. JBL makes fun of her. They are facing the #SOCIALOUTCASTS tonight. JBL says "we need Chimel back," he's talking over top of Heath's promo. Adam Rose says they're "sons of anarchy." Curtis Axel says the #SOCIALOUTCASTS are the tightest group of "good brothers" in the WWE! Bliz Cliz, stay on guard. Only Heath, Curtis, and Rose are out tonight because Bo Rida is in the recording studio tonight. Heath says they're trending now, and their shirts also say that they're trending now. This is so try hard. These guys are funny and relatively talented but I wish they didn't have to do all the forced social media stuff, with the hashtags and all that. Cole says that somebody in this match will have a cornhole video on the Network this week. Cole says Rose has been referring to himself as a "radical mongoose" on social media. I legitimately think there was a Trading Places-esque bet backstage where Vince bet Hunter one dollar that he could get a stable more over than the New Day got themselves over using total jabronis. Jimmy Uso, probably, superkicks all the Outcasts, then Jimmy and Jey double superkick Rose, then Jey does the superfly splash to him for the win!
Back from the ads, Michael Cole is bragging about the WWE being featured in an in-flight magazine. MizTV is next with AJ Styles. AJ's music is good. Miz is making fun of AJ's career and upbringing. He says people said AJ was "too small." Also Miz won't give AJ a mic, which is probably for the best. The Miz is ranting about how great AJ is while not letting him speak for himself and the crowd is "WHAT"ing him. The Miz compares AJ to Daniel Bryan, an "indie darling", a "great wrassler", and a tiny guy. He says that Bryan didn't achieve greatness until the Miz brought him under his wing. Miz claims that people call him the "father of the YES Movement." The crowd chants "no" at him. He offers to let AJ become his protege. The Miz says the E is just as important as the W in WWE. That AJ was a big fish in a small pond, but it doesn't matter how big a fish you are when you're in the ocean of the WWE. It sounds like whoever wrote this promo is responding to Okada's big fish stuff. The Miz says that AJ has "no chance in hell" to survive in the WWE. AJ gets fed up and chases him out of the ring. Cole says that AJ has "a little attitude about him." JBL then says "you got that right, a little attitude about him." They play a replay of Miz saying "no chance in hell" and then AJ hitting the Miz. Bummer they already blew the Styles Clash debut on Curtis Axel last Smackdown.
Recap of the first segment plays.
Brie Mode! Brie is set for one on one action with Charlotte tonight. Deontay Wilder is in the front road. Boxing is relevant. Charlotte does a couple push ups before the match. They really just breezed past Charlotte taking credit for breaking Nikki's neck. Ric gets up on the apron to cheer for Charlotte while someone is in a sleeper. Alicia is trying to distract Ric and Ric is trying to distract the ref I think. I don't know. Brie rolls up Charlotte and wins but it was a non-title match. This was completely pointless and I hate this. What was the point??? Big Show is up against Erick Rowan next.
WWE says "get well soon" to Bret. Those Butt "the Shitman" Fart jokes are coming back to haunt you now, aren't they. Big Show is going to wrestle Erick Rowan now. Big Show beat Erick Rowan and then the rest of the family beat him up. The crowd is chanting Big Show, as implausible as that seems. Harper stands on the steel steps in order to superkick show in the face. Rowan and Strowman then slam him into the same steps.
Titus out next to a sea of barks. He's getting JYD heat I guess. I like Titus a lot, I wish he was a better wrestler or was allowed to keep teaming with Mr No Days Off Darren Young. He's going to squash Tyler Breeze tonight, tho. JBL claims he has Cam Newton's pants on under his suit. The crowd barks after all of Titus' moves and it sounds like booing if you don't know he's barking and its mostly kids barking. JYD heat. He wins with the Clash of the Titus.
Paul Heyman is talking to Brock in the locker room when another Paul interrupts, Paul Levesque, Triple H! He asks to speak to Brock alone. He asks Brock why he didn't murder Dean for not cowering to him. He asks if things are getting soft in Suplex City. Brock says Hunter will find out at Wrestlemania.
Stephanie McMahon will be on Good Morning America, portraying a positive female role model for some reason. Dolph is wrestling Kevin Owens in this segment. Dolph went for a superkick right at the bell. Remember when Owens lost to Adam Cole with just a plain superkick? I'd buy Ziggler putting him down with one superkick a good deal less than Cole despite Ziggler's superkick being more protected. JBL makes a joke about the Pro Bowl and Cole has to clarify the conditions that occurred at the Pro Bowl in order to make JBL's joke funny because he knows no one watches the Pro Bowl. Owens whips Dolph into the buckle and Dolph slams into it so hard. I wish Dolph wasn't so crappy at everything except selling for big dudes, because he's good at selling for big dudes. Against opponents his own size, it looks cartoony and bad, but Owens is like just big enough and has been established as being nasty enough for it to work. Owens screams, off mic, that Dolph's busted up face is the face of the company. He says Dolph can't go on and should have his WHC reign stricken from the records. Ziggler runs through his babyface comeback moves and tops it off with a fameasser to Owens on the floor and it looked sick. Owens cannonballs Dolph while Dolph is in the old Tree of Joey Lawrence. Owens pops Dolph up but Dolph counters with a Zig Zag for the win. Dolph hugs a teenaged girl in the front row. Owens attack's Cole's notes and slaps JBL's hat off the desk. WWE is celebrating Black History Month! Tonight they profile Mark Henry. Mark is really cool and it sucks that he was so bad at wrestling for like almost 15 years.
The Boss is out next. She's cutting a promo. She says The Boss is back! No more sitting in the back, watching other divas get all the opportunities. She left Team BAD because she wants to be Diva's Champion. She says she's the boss, legit. Team BAD come out and cut a promo on Sasha from the ramp. Naomi calls her baby girl like she's Roman Reigns. Sasha says she respects Team BAD but she needs to step out on her own and make a name for herself. Naomi and Tamina say they have Sasha's back, even if they aren't partners anymore. Naomi's lines are really bad and her delivery is not helping them. She references the Wiz/Kanye beef from last week and says she doesn't want her relationship with Sasha turn into that. She says they can be competitors and still be sisters. Sasha says she still wants unity and does the Rick James impression. Team BAD are still united! Becky Lynch hits the ring next for her match with Sasha, after this commercial break!
Becky and Sasha wrestle. Sasha throws Becky to the floor and Team BAD go to get involved but Sasha says she can handle Becky on her own. Team BAD then get in Sasha's face! Naomi and Tamina attack Sasha after she turns her back on them for the DQ. Becky makes the save and the two chase Team BAD off to NXT chants. JBL interviews Faarooq immediately following Raw tonight on the Network! I don't know the story behind him winning the strap in WCW, I wonder if they talk about that in this interview. Not enough to listen to JBL for longer than necessary, tho.
Jericho says he's been thinking about AJ every day since their match last week in his interview backstage with JoJo.
R-Truth is wandering around backstage and is upset Goldust keeps texting him. He walks into the bathroom to find Dustin in the stall already. He asks him to be his tag team partner. Golden Truth. Truth says he doesn't want to team with Goldust because Goldust is a weirdo! And he has poo on his foot. Goldust asks Truth who his last tag team partner was. Little Jimmy. He asks him if Lil Jimmy was imaginary. This offends Truth and he storms out, furious. Goldust calls after him, "Did I say imaginary? I meant interplanetary, like my weirdo brother!"
Its a New Day, yes it is! They're out now for their match with Roman and Dean. They're having problems with Bootygate. Big E says Bootygate has nothing to do with Kanye and Amber Rose but the way he says Amber Rose sounded a lot like Ambrose, which is a good mental image. Bootygate refers to how Booty the Rock is and how much much he deserves to be shamed. The New Day point out a kid in the audience, because New Day is family friendly. The kid is wearing a Bullet Club shirt and he is gyrating his hips. The New Day say they're going to beat him up but they're going to respect him while they do it. They say they're going to shame the Rock by beating up his cousin and his friend. Ambrains. Xavier says that's what they call them in tumblr fanfics. Kofi asks what fanfic is and Xavier starts with a "Broooootherrrrr..." before Big E cuts him off. Don't go down that rabbit hole, Woods! Big E definitely did the Amber Rose/Ambrose thing on purpose. They chant New Day rocks while they do the dance from the Cosby Show intro and I shout "Mechashiva!" at my TV. Paul Heyman is on commentary for this tag team match. I very much enjoy the New Day and their antics. Ambreigns come down and the two teams wrestle. Heyman says Lesnar can destroy anyone in his path and the way he says it reminds me a lot of the Dating a Gamer Tim & Eric sketch. Lesnar can fuck anything and he will and has! Women, devils, angels, animals! Xavier is dropping video game references left and right tonight. I think he's trying to compensate for how bad he got shown up by AJ earlier this week vis a vis Konami trivia. Big E spanks Dean while he has him in an abdominal stretch while Dean giggles. After a quick breakdown, Big E sets Dean up for the Big Ending but after a superman punch, Dean hits him with Dirty Deeds and pins the tag team champions. Brie should be the Divas champion and Ambreigns should be the tag champs. Lesnar comes down and F-5s Ambrose as revenge for Dean saying he respects Brock in the beginning of the show. The end.
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