Live from beautiful Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Roman Reigns has a promo booked for the city of brotherly love. Oh boy. Last week: Neville broke his ankle, Roman beat up Triple H, nothing else happened. Raw tonight is dedicated to the memory of Mary Katharine Stewart, who, as far as I can tell, is a hiker who died yesterday and has nothing to do with pro wrestling.
Stephanie is out first to reveal that Triple H will not be here tonight and you have sixty seconds to get a refund. She says that she can buy anything and anyone. Roman comes down the ramp, not through the crowd. Roman takes the microphone out of Stephanie's hands while she berates him. Roman talks. Roman says Triple H didn't come to Philly because he didn't want Roman to "whip his ass all over Broad Street." Roman says he's taking "his" title back at Wrestlemania and all of the McMahon's money can't stop that. Stephanie goes to slap Roman but he bats her hand away. He says he's the Authority, drops the mic, and leaves. Up next is AJ vs Owens in the Activision Sponsored Skylanders Superchargers Match of the Night.
AJ and Owens had a fantastic match with some crazy spots that ended with a distraction as Jericho got on the apron while Owens was in the Calf Crusher. AJ broke the hold and got rolled up for his trouble. After the match Owens gets on the microphone. He says its the Kevin Owens show. He says everyone wants to know who is going to face him for the IC title at KO-Mania. Ziggler's music hits. This is not who I want to see face Owens at KO-Mania. Ziggler namedrops Botchamania. Then the Miz's music hits. Miz says Dolph doesn't deserve a title match and Dolph says the Miz doesn't deserve a title match! I don't want to see either of them ever again. Sami Zayn's music hits. The crowd explodes with "ole" chants. Owens slips out of the ring while Zayn, Ziggler, and Miz bicker. Owens books a triple threat match between those three dudes for a shot at his title at KO-Mania.
Earlier today Dean is at a pub and cutting a promo on Brock. He says he's doing to rip Brock's guts out and smear them on his face. Terry Funk is there and he puts Dean Ambrose over so hard wow. Terry has a gift for Dean. He says he's the best in the country and if he had a son, he'd want him to be just like Dean. He gives him a chainsaw. Terry gets out of there while Dean chops a table to pieces with the chainsaw.
Backstage, Owens asks for the match he booked to get actually booked. He grovels and acts like a goober and its good to see him get emasculated by Stephanie. He really made it. She books the match, its official, Sami Zayn vs Dolph Ziggler vs The Miz for the number one contendership to the Intercontinental Championship.
Elsewhere backstage, the New Day makes random passersby twerk while doing the 2 Live Krew chant. They're next as the 9pm segment.
The League of Nations is out and Sheamus is in the ring cutting a promo, saying he shoved his boot up their booty-os. Del Rio tries to start a New Day sucks chant. Big E says the League might have laid hands on the New Day but the New Day does not suck and has never sucked. Xavier brings out visual aids, cue cards. The cards say "You Are Trash." Kofi says Rusev's feet scares kids. And New Day Loves Kids. He says Del Rio used to have everything, cars and a ring announcer, and now he's stuck in the League. He also says Barrett is a waste of the King of the Ring. Barrett starts jumping up and down, yelling "BOOM!" The New Day imagine what it would be like if they were Kings of the Rings. They organize a shaming party for Barrett. Shame? Sheamus! Kofi says Sheamus' parents got how big of a shame he'd be early, because they didn't name him Stephen, they named him Sheamus! They say that you can fix the League if they just ate their Booty Os. The League goes to attack the New Day but the New Day get them preemptively! They chase the League off and play Franchesca II. Eventually the official gets everything under control and the singles match between Big E and Rusev begins. The finish comes when Sheamus tries to get involved. Big E spears Sheamus off the apron and Kofi hits Rusev with an enziguri while the ref tries to sort that out. Big E gets back in the ring, picks up Rusev and drops him with the Big Ending. Lillian announces the winner as "The New Day Big E."
Bray interrupts the commentary team with a pretape. Bray says someone has a chance to be born again, Luke says rebirth requires sacrifice, Harper says sacrifice requires pain, and Braun says he will sacrifice Dean Ambrose's soul to the god of war in the name of the family. Bray says this sacrifice will allow him to ascend to his eternal throne. That promo would have been cool if the Wyatts weren't treated like crap constantly.
In what is supposed to be a backstage segment but is obviously pretaped by a non-WWE crew, Alicia Fox, Naomi, and TODD CHRISLEY are hanging out backstage. Alicia Fox and Naomi want to go over their match but TODD is being a drama mama. They give him a Snickers and he transforms into Natalya.
Big Show, the winner of the 2015 Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, is out to pose next to the statue. The Andre statue legit looks more like Danny DeVito as the Trashman. Big Show cuts a babyface promo. He "shoots straight" and says he only says he's the greatest giant of all time because he needs to in order to believe in himself but Andre is the real greatest giant of all time. "All other giants strive to be like Andre." He says winning the battle royal last year was important because he doesn't win a lot of battle royals and its even more important to him that he be a two time winner. He thanks the crowd and goes to leave when the #Social #Outcasts music hits. Bo says they're Cinderella and Axel says they're Voltron. I hate these four men. Axel says "Yee" and Rose tells him the yee is stupid so Axel keeps going yee while Rose talks at Big Show. People that have go away heat with me in order: Adam Rose, Dolph Ziggler, Bo Dallas, Heath Slater, Curtis Axel. The Outcasts jump Show and beat him down when the Demon Kane's music hits! Kane throws them all over the top rope except Bo. Bo extends his hand to Kane and gets eliminated. Show hugs Kane and thanks him and says "Kane's the man!" Kane chokeslams Show off the top rope.
Fifth Harmony will be peforming America the Beautiful at Wrestlemania. Its less than two weeks away! Stan Hansen is getting inducted into the Hall of Fame!
Fandango is in the ring. Jericho's music hits but Fandango's titantron doesn't change. Jericho comes out anyway. Jericho and Fandango wrestle and Jericho repeatedly calls him a stupid man and an idiot. Jericho has Fandango in the walls when AJ comes out and sings "Y2Jackass" at him. Fandango tries to roll Jericho up but he gets out of it and hits Fandango with the codebreaker for three. "I'm not a jackass! You're an idiot!" Jericho yells. AJ runs down to the ring from the stage but Jericho gets out of there and hides behind one of the production guys who tries very hard not to be hid behind. AJ cuts a promo. He says he's competed all over the world except Wrestlemania and points at the sign. Jericho turns to the crowd and screams at a guy to get off his phone. AJ gets the crowd to chant AJ Styles but its in the wrong cadence.
Owens is in the ring at 10pm. He dismisses Lillian Garcia and ring announces the triple threat #1 contender's match. He says the biggest star in Hollywood is out first, Stardust, not the Miz! Next is the global wrestling sensation who wrestled under a mask, Sin Cara, not Sami Zayn! Finally, a veteran who deserves more and acts and dresses like a teenager, Zack Ryder, not Dolph Ziggler. What is going on with Zack's beard. I hope this doesn't end with a seven man match at KO-Mania. Owens sits at ringside on commentary and makes fun of everyone. He's the best on commentary since Punk. He might be better than Punk. After some wrestling, Sami Zayn comes down to ringside, followed by the Miz and Ziggler. They surround Owens and eventually he ends the match by throwing Ryder into Miz. All seven men brawl until Owens escapes up the ramp. Uh oh.
Backstage Stephanie is on the phone with Hunter when Owens runs in. Owens is complaining about being attacked by six maniacs and he wants them all out of the title pictures. Stephanie books Owens against all six maniacs in a ladder match!
Stephanie goes to leave the building and is met in the loading dock by Triple H. They go to pull out in their SUV Limo but Roman Reigns is blocking the door. He hops in the car and drags Triple H out and beats him up while Stephanie screams "ROMAN STOP!" Eventually Triple H slams Roman's head into the car door and manages to escape.
Charlotte has a match with Natalya while Sasha and Becky are on commentary. Charlotte pins Nattie clean. Becky and Sasha don't get involved at all and don't do anything!
Bubba Ray has a singles match against R-Truth. Bubba got huge since he left TNA, wow. Like the exact opposite of Joe. He wins as a matter of course and he and D-Von beat up Truth until Goldust makes the save. I think the average age in the ring right now is 50. The Dudleyz do away with Goldust but then the Usos make the save and throw a superkick party before putting D-Von through a table.
Vince is out for the final segment. Vince says if Shane wins, the crowd will see the last of him. The crowd cheers the loudest they've cheered all night. Vince calls Undertaker his bitch. He says the match is now Undertaker's last if he loses. It's only 10:50, what's left on the show? Dean Ambrose's music hits the second I finish typing that. its him versus Braun Stroman. The crowd chants "this is boring" and I can't disagree. Ambrose ends the match via DQ by beating Stroman with a chair in a preview of what might happen on Sunday against Brock Lesnar! He DDTs Stroman into the chair, slides out of the ring, and gets in Heyman's face to end the show. 13 days to the show of shows!
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