Live from Chicago, Illinois, its Monday Night Raw yet again! The internet rumor mill has been swirling today about Sami Zayn's main roster debut and also about Patrick Klepek getting his bad beard shaved off by a wrestler. Also tonight, Shane McMahon!
Shane kicks off the show with a promo segment. Shane says that he respects the Undertaker but not Vince, especially after what he said last week on Raw! He says Vince deserves a father of the year award. I think he's being sarcastic. He says Vince is an evil, miserable old bastard who is out of touch. He's going to turn the company around when he beats the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, and end the Authority and all the backstage politics. He says the politics are choking the life out of the business. He says a lot of guys have talent but get no breaks, but some guys get breaks and have no talent. Under a Shane regime, that stops. The bell tolls, the lights go out, and out comes Vince. Why don't they use the Corporate Ministry music. The crowd chants "asshole" at him, followed by "CM Punk." Vince says he found a picture of Shane in his desk while writing him out of his will. It was before his very first wrestling show. He brings it up on the Titantron and Shane is like three years old. Vince pulls out the framed original, throws it on the ground and stomps on it. Vince says he is Vincent Kennedy McMahon and Shane is "just his son." Vince then makes fun of his grandsons, says that they will watch their father fail them. Vince says that he can be the father figure Shane's kids can be proud of. He says his greatest creation, the Undertaker, will put to rest his greatest failure, Shane. He brings out security and tells them to escort Shane out of the building. Shane says he'll walk out peacefully as long as nobody touches him. Vince say "GET IM GET IM GET IM" and the security guards get in the ring and surround Shane. As one of the guards approaches him, Shane leaps into action. His punches have not improved in the seven years since he last threw them on WWE tv. He throws all the security guards out of the ring and his music starts to play as Vince walks away. JBL, Cole, and Byron recap the segment as annoyingly as possible immediately after it ends. Tonight, Y2AJ vs the New Day and Kevin Owens will be wrestling Neville next!
Cole says Owens started a social media phenomenon called "#KOMania". He's looking for a Wrestlemania opponent, maybe he will find one in Neville? Probably not, unless they're doing the big cluster ladder match again. Despite Owens not getting an entrance, the match is pretty one-sided Owens beating on Neville all the way to the first commercial break. Back from the break, it looks like Owens continued dominating. Owens misses the cannonball in the corner allowing Neville to try to get him with a german. Owens reverses into a german of his own and tries for the cannonball again but Neville manages to get up and hit him with an enziguri before Owens can flip over. Owens spills to the outside and Neville shooting star presses him from the top turnbuckle to the floor. He rolls him back into the ring and hits him a standing shooting star press but Owens kicks out. Neville sets Owens up on the turnbuckle for the super frankensteiner but Owens knocks Neville down. He tries for his jumping moonsault but misses. This sets him up for the Red Arrow which connects but Owens kicks out at two and a half. Owens then rolls Neville up with a handful of tights for three. Neville protests with the ref about it but Owens jumps him from behind and throws him into the post and out of the ring. Owens screams "I'm the best!" He continues his assault on the outside and goes to popup powerbomb Neville onto the ring apron when Worlds Apart hits and Sami Zayn sprints down the ring. Owens and Zayn brawl. Owens tries to run but Neville stops him, allowing Sami to throw Owens out of the ring. Sami's music plays as he poses victorious. What repercussions could this have on #KOMania????
Backstage, Dolph and Zack Ryder are talking when Stephanie walks in. Zack walks out and Stephanie thanks Dolph for taking down his worked shoot tweet about him ending the Authority and being punished for it. Stephanie says she doesn't remember the Authority getting ended. Dolph says she'll remember when Shane wins at Wrestlemania. Stephanie puts him in a three on one handicap match against the League.
BRIE MODEEEEE~~~~ She's up against Summer Rae. We get a clip from Total Divas where Nikki is concerned about Brie buying a scooter. Summer does a cool jumping bodyscissors ddt and then locks Brie in a stretch. Brie powers out and does her bad rendition of Daniel Bryan's kicks. She does her Brie Mode shining wizard followed by the Brie Mode missile dropkick that misses and Cole calls a crossbody. Lana's music then hits and Lana, wearing her Dolph Ziggler all-denim gear, causes a distraction, allowing Summer to roll Brie up. Lana then gets in the ring and hits Brie with the x-factor. Cole says that's Brie's own move. I thought Brie's moves were the Brie Mode shining wizard and the Brie Mode missile dropkick.
Dean Ambrose comes out for the 9pm segment. Dean gets on the mic and says he's going to screw up the company's plans by winning the title on Saturday at Roadblock. He says he's going hijack the championship and hijack Wrestlemania. Dean says Triple H needs to respect him because he's going to be the face of the company. He's going to be on Oprah, he's going to be in People Magazine, he's going to do all the charity functions. He says he loves kids and he's good with them. He then says "Kids, don't try this at home." He says he's going to make Triple H buy him a suit and explain to him how lapel pins work. He then says none of those "extracurriculars" are interesting so he doesn't actually care, but he does care about being WWE champ, and being the champ the WWE Universe deserves. HHH's heel music plays and he comes out to the stage. He says Dean should respect him and that he will beat that respect into him using the announce table just like last week. Dean says he'll use the table on Saturday to hold the belt up high and then Triple H can suck it. Hunter says Roadblock is just a crummy marketing tagline, because Dean is just a speed bump. He says Dean's anti-authority gimmick is going to get him in trouble, just like Roman. Dean says he'd rather be a delusional anti-authority guy than whatever Triple H is. Triple H says he's just driven. Dean tells him to come down to the ring so he can hear him better. Triple H asks the crowd if they want to see him go to the ring to wrestle Ambrose. They cheer and he declines, He "delegates" by assigning Dean a match with the New Face of Fear, Bray Wyatt.
Its time for Dolph's bad match against Sheamus, Rusev, and, miraculously, Barrett! This match is incredibly boring but the League beat up Dolph for a while and then just pin him. JBL says maybe Dolph will think again before he "trolls" the Authority on social media. They play a montage of Shane McMahon's most insane bumps.
Backstage, Becky is trying to get Sasha to come out of her dressing room and get ready for the match. She does. They bicker and Sasha calls Flair "Hugh Hefner". Becky puts her ridiculous goggles on.
Becky and Sasha are to wrestle Naomi and Tamina! In a tag team match! Charlotte and Ric are at ringside. Sasha immediately locks Naomi in the Banks Statement and Cole says "That's what happened to McGregor!" I wish that's what happened to Conor on Saturday, it would have been even funnier. Charlotte lays Sasha and Becky out after the match and leaves with Ric and her belt.
Backstage R-Truth has a pizza and he's dressed like a delivery guy. He goes to deliver the pizza to Goldust. He says its a Chicago deep dish and the crowd pops. Truth says he wants to be Dust's tag team partner now. Goldust says a real tag team partner would know that he's lactose intolerant and his butt would explode. Truth says "I didn't know about your exploding butt!" and Mark Henry steals the pizza.
The New Day come out and say they're going to be the longest reigning tag team champs ever because Y2AJ are going to start tearing themselves apart like Left 4 Dead zombies. Big E says the New Day are a real team because they even have matching tattoos. He goes to hike up his trunks when X and Kofi stop him. They didn't get tattoos, they thought Big E was joking! He says he got a pink and blue unicorn on his cheeks. Jericho's music hits followed by AJ's. Cole plugs Chrisley Knows Best by saying "the mouth of the south is back" and I got very excited and then very disappointed when I realized Jimmy Hart wasn't actually going to be on Chrisley Knows Best. Anyway Y2AJ are going to wrestle the New Day.
This match is really good and very fast paced. After a near fall, you can see Patrick Klepek, a beer in one hand, two fingers raised on the other, arms extended above his head, slowly spinning around, screaming "TWO." Big E picks up the win after reversing a Codebreaker into the Big Ending. Fantastic wrestling match. After the match, Jericho hits AJ with the Codebreaker twice to a chorus of boos. He hits it a third time, leaves the ring to grab his Y2AJ shirt, and stuffs it in AJ's mouth.
Backstage, Jericho says he attacked AJ because the fans liked him. Unnecessary segment, in my opinion.
US Champ Kalisto vs that terrible millenial Tyler Breeze is next. Kalista picks up the win in a quick match with the Salida del Sol. Backstage, Kalisto says he grew up idolizing Rey and Eddy and its great to perform in front of all these great people tonight and again at Wrestlemania! The Big Guy runs in and asks why The Big Guy isn't in the main event of Wrestlemania. He's so much bigger than Kalisto. Ryback doesn't understand why people like superhero movies, they're not believable. The actors are so much smaller than The Big Guy. He tells Kalisto that being in a tag team only holds you back. He says he's going to tear the wings off the social butterflies and Kalisto could stand to learn something from him.
The Social Outcasts come out and do their fake, bad New Day schtick. Adam Cole seems upset that they're making an all women Ghostbusters. Ryback comes in and kills Curtis Axel for the win.
Backstage, Vince says they're going to break the Wrestlemania 3 attendance record during a phone conversation that Stephanie walks in on. He hangs up and she reveals she's worried about Shane actually beating Taker. Vince tells her not to worry.
I guess its time for the main event because Dean Ambrose is out now! Bray cuts a promo on Brock Lesnar and Dean from the Titantron. He's going to make an example of Dean and show the WWE Universe how sadistic he can be. The lights go out, his music plays, and he makes his way down to ringside among the fireflies! They wrestle and have a totally competent match. Its exactly what you'd expect from these two and exactly what you've seen before. Eventually, Ambrose gets Wyatt on the ropes when the lights go out. When they come back up, the rest of the family is in the ring and they maul Ambrose. Bray hits Dean with the Sister Abigail. Triple H's heel music plays and he comes down the ramp. In the ring, Bray refuses to back down to Triple H and the crowd chants "Yes" as they face off. Bray rubs the WWE title and the whole family backs off. Triple H goes to put Dean through the announce table but Dean lays out Triple H instead! Roadblock is on Saturday! In the words of John Bradshaw Layfield, what are you waiting for???
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