Coming to you live from Brooklyn, New York, it's Monday Night Raw. This week, the news has been Luke Harper blowing out his knee, some woman from Good Morning America being inducted into the Warrior wing of the Hall of Fame, Daniel Bryan getting pulled from all his upcoming promo appearances, Brie Bella retirement rumors, and not a whole lot else. Slow news week this close to Wrestlemania. No idea what's being promoted tonight, probably "nothing" as usual.
The bell tolls to kick off Raw and the Dead Man makes his way down the ramp. Weird how we're only six days away from the most important show of the year and nothing, not even the Undertaker appearing, feels special at all. Taker has a mic. "This Wrestlemania will not be my last," he says to a surprisingly mixed reaction followed by a Yes chant for some reason. "I have made it clear to Vince McMahon that the blood of his son is on his hands, but Vince's blood very well may be on mine." Again a mixed reaction. He says that Shane will kill himself trying to beat the Undertaker to defend his legacy but Wrestlemania is Undertaker's yard and Hell in a Cell is his house. "At Wrestlemania, Shane McMahon will rest in peace." Shane's music hits and the lights come up. It's also weird how Shane's entrance is legit more exciting than the Undertaker's and not just in a "he's jumping around and not slowly walking to the ring" way. Shane says he and Taker will rip each other apart at Mania, but Shane is fighting to win and Taker is fighting to not lose. Sidenote, I hate how they say "fight" all the time it's such a transparent way to avoid saying "wrestle" but it draws a bad comparison to MMA. Wrestling is wrestling, MMA is fighting. Shane says his legacy is to change the WWE and he will defend his legacy by destroying the Undertaker's. Taker calls Shane "rich boy" and tells him not to talk about Taker's legacy. I wonder if he just bought a Cadillac and, if so, did he throw some Ds on it. Shane comes down off the stage and into the ring. The crowd chants "holy shit" for some reason. Shane brings up Brock beating Taker and killing his legacy and the crowd boos and then chants suplex city. This crowd. At least they're making noise. Taker says Shane is just like his old man "and it figures, seeing how from the very day you were born, you've been your daddy's bitch." Shane snaps and attacks Taker with his bad punches. Taker throws Shane out of the ring and chases him down at ringside, throwing him over and over into the barricade. Taker dismantles the announce table. The crowd chants "this is awesome." Woof. Taker goes to Last Ride him through the table but Shane escapes and turns the tables with a mule kick. Shane picks up one of the monitors and brains Taker with it. Shane looks at the turnbuckle. Cole says Taker's face is "all scarred up... from the attack with the monitor!" Shane climbs to the top rope and does the elbow drop that broke Punk's ribs but, to be fair, he does it a lot safer than Punk, aiming for the other side of the table. He drives Taker through the table to "you still got it" chants. Shane's music starts and he limps up the ramp. Taker sits up. It'll take more than just one big elbow to put down the Undertaker. Taker is bleeding from the eyes. He slashes his throat and his music starts playing. Shane points at the Mania sign.
After commercial, Zack Ryder is in the ring for his match with Jericho. On the pre-show Jericho interrupted a Zack Ryder promo with Renee. Jericho calls out a specific seat in the crowd he'd rather sit in than wrestle AJ. Right before the match begins, AJ's music hits. He limps down the ramp the same way he's been doing for weeks to challenge Jericho to a match at Wrestlemania. I didn't realize they didn't have a match. AJ says he'll sit at ringside all night until Jericho gives him the match. The bell rings and Zack almost rolls Jericho up. Jericho kicks out and throws Zack out of the ring and beats him with JBL's hat. Jericho rolls him back into the ring and kicks him in the ribs. He does some not great chops and whips Zack. Zack reverses and they go back and forth. AJ starts a "Y2Jackass" chant which distracts Jericho long enough for Zack to get the pin. Jericho immediately pops up and codebreakers Zack. AJ runs in for the save, Jericho rolls out of the ring and throws a tantrum. He smashes a chair into the ring post until it bends while the crowd starts halfheartedly chanting "Y2Jackass" at him. He shoves the cameraman and gets a microphone. He calls AJ a stupid idiot and says he can't be embarrassed by these morons in Brooklyn chanting "Y2Jackass." He says AJ kicked the hornet's nest and is a stupid ass. Jericho asks if AJ wants "the best in the world" at wrestlemania. A fan yells "PUNK!" and Jericho tells him to shut up. Jericho grants AJ the match and calls him a rookie. He says AJ's first Wrestlemania is going to be his last. Sunday is going to be the worst night of his life. Jericho drops the mic and backs away. Up next, Becky Lynch and Charlotte with Ric!
Sasha is at ringside for Charlotte vs Becky, Charlotte wins. Backstage, Renee interviews Mr. McMahon. He says that Shane will stop at enough to take over the WWE. He's also glad that he pissed off the Undertaker. Shane runs in, says Vince thinks he's a god and nobody can run the WWE better than him. On Sunday, Shane is going to let 40 years worth of hostility towards his father loose. Vince stole the company from his father, but on Sunday Shane is going to take it from Vince, fair and square.
The Social Outcasts are in the ring and thankfully before they are able to talk, the Big Show's music hits. Followed by Kane the Man's. Its a tag match but it breaks down immediately and a DQ is called on the Social Outcasts and then the ring fills up with idiots like the Ascension and Damien Sandow. They brawl and do their moves and Mr. No Days Off Darren Young does Roddy's double knee gutbuster. Kane and Show then chokeslam Mark Henry and then all four Social Outcasts. They recap Roman attacking Triple H last week.
Triple H's heel music hits and he, in a suit and accompanied by Stephanie also in a suit, comes down to the ring. Cole plugs ESPN's WWE coverage. Stephanie says the crowd needs to stand and respect Triple H and then get on their knees and grovel at his feet. He says winning the WWE title is the dream of everyone on the roster, every fan in the building, and every fan at home. He says that dream isn't going to come true for anyone in the crowd but it did come true for Roman because he's a one in a million athlete and just that good. But he only held it for 5 minutes. Triple H has been to the top of the mountain and on Sunday he's going there again to defend the belt on the grandest stage of them all. And his success is attributable to his obsession with being the champ. His obsession made him the most successful WWE superstar in history, a 14 time champion, and the greatest WWE superstar in history. He has had a stranglehold on the business for 20 years and was ready to pass the torch to the next generation and be a suit. But four months ago Roman power bombed Triple H through the announce table and that brought the obsession back, bigger and better than ever. Just noticed the side plates on the belt are the Authority logo/McMahon crest and not the Triple H cross or sledgehammer logos. Hunter says his obsession is the end of Roman's dream on Sunday. Stephanie then cuts a heel promo after Triple H's face one. Roman's music hits and he runs down the ramp. Triple H cuts him off and stomps a mudhole in him but Roman fires back. The crowd is solidly on Triple H's side. Roman sets Hunter up for the spear but Stephanie gets in Roman's way, allowing Triple H time to escape to incredibly loud "Roman Sucks" chants.
There's a clip of Triple H and Stephanie storming around backstage, leaving maybe? I don't know. IT'S A NEW DAY, YES IT IS! Kofi has a match tonight. Woods just says "The New Day" and the crowd explodes. The official cereal of Wrestlemania is 'Booty Booty Booty OOOOOOOOOs." The crowd chants Booty-Os. They say "who is never going to have cereal" and the whole crowd does the "who" thing before they say the League. They say no one would eat Rusev the Bulgarian Brutey Flakes. Big E says, "in the words of the late great Phife Dawg, can I kick it?" and the crowd plays along. He does a little rhyme about pizza that ends with the New Day Rocks chant. Kofi will be wrestling Alberto Del Rio. Everyone in the League now has personalized shirts. Del Rio's says The Pride of Mexico and has a weird neckline. Woods (very poorly) plays La Cucaracha on the trombone at Del Rio. Del Rio hits Kofi with a super inverted suplex. In the end though, Kofi picks up the win. Coach comes out from behind the curtain and makes an announcement. First, the New Day are his favorite ever Sportscenter guest. Second, Sportscenter will be live from Wrestlemania all day. Third, he loves to eat ass. New, Day Rocks.
A video package for that lady from Good Morning America, Joan Lunden being awarded the Warrior thing. Roman has an interview with Renee that Bully, sorry I mean Bubba, Ray interrupts. He goads Roman into a fight when D-von steps in but Roman takes care of both of them before Triple H jumps in and the Dudleys and Hunter beat him down. Triple H rubs Roman's face in the belt, says his career is over, and slams him into one of those big road cases before walking off.
Konnor vs Kalisto is next. JBL is burying Kalisto hard on commentary. He compares Kalisto to Conor McGregor which I think makes Nate Ryback. I don't think JBL actually watches MMA. Kalisto quickly puts Konnor away with the Salida Del Sol and does away with Viktor with a springboard DDT when Ryback's music hits. Ryback gets in Kalisto's face and points at the sign but Kalisto won't back down. Ryback screams "feed me more" in Kalisto's face and like four dudes in the crowd respond with a "lucha" chant. Backstage, Heyman gets Brock ready for his appearance, next!
Brock's shirt is in the Nets colors tonight, grey, black, and white. On Smackdown, the Wyatts tried to jump Lesnar but Ambrose made the save and the two of them killed the Wyatts until Lesnar turned his sights on Dean, Singapore cane in hand. Heyman calls Dean a bunch of names for being so crazy to try and beat Lesnar and become "the one who to conquer the one who is the one in twenty two and one." Brock won't give Dean much credit, but Paul will give him a hell of a lot of credit. He's crazy like a fox. Paul E. says Dean thinks if he takes Brock out of his "comfort zone" and introduces weapons (which he says he's not allowed to actually say) he'll have a shot at beating the beast. The bad news is Lesnar doesn't have a comfort zone. Brock will give Dean Ambrose the Wrestlemania moment of a lifetime when Dr. Lesnar performs a colonoscopy on Dean on Sunday. Brock will win and that's a spoiler, just like it was in 2014. Dean's music hits. He has props. He wheels out a big wagon. I'm still hoping for the skilsaw. The wagon appears to be empty but it does have his logo on it. Dean puts a crowbar, two lead pipes, a barbed wire baseball bat, a fire extinguisher, a chainsaw, nunchucks, and the steel ring steps, Dean discards a Singapore cane and it bounces into the ring where Lesnar picks it up. Dean walks out dragging the wagon. Reminiscent of Raven at Royal Rumble 99 with the shopping cart.
At Wrestlemania, there's going to be a ten diva match between the Total Divas (Nattie, Brie, Alicia, and Paige) and team Bad and Blonde (Naomi, Tamina, Emma, Summer Rae, and Lana). The fifth Total Diva is still a mystery! But tonight Emma is wrestling Paige. Lana looks very "Lena Headey, Cersei Lannister" in the promo image. Tamina distracts the ref, allowing Lana to hit Paige with a very bad and ugly leg lariat. Emma picks up the pin and the nine women start brawling. Lana directs traffic and wont engage with any of the others. Eva Marie's music hits I think to make the save for the babyfaces but WOW the crowd hates her. Worse than Roman. They're at least slightly self aware about the crowd hating Eva Marie as the babyface Divas refuse to hug her or allow her to raise their hands. Backstage Truth and Goldust are still trying to get on the same page. Truth starts to cry because in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, its every man for himself. He blows his nose into Goldust's shirt.
A six-man tag featuring most of the intercontinental championship match participants is next. Sami, Dolph, and Sin Cara versus Miz, Stardust, and Owens. Two of these men are not like the others. Cole on commentary refers to Scott Hall as Razor Ramon. JBL claims Razor Ramon was more popular in the WWF than Scott Hall was in the NWO, which is an insane claim. JBL yells "lariato!" like some Matt Striker deal. The crowd is totally bored with this and so am I. They do a sustained "CM Punk" chant but an "ole" chant manages to break them out of it. I wish this match on Sunday was just Sami and Kevin. Kevin Owens very visibly feels the same. He's refusing to tag in and when he does tag in, he immediately tags out and it's making the Miz upset. Maybe next year. Dolph tags in and the crowd starts chanting for RVD. The crowd chants something I can't make out, three syllables. It gets under Stardust's skin though and he breaks for a second. Two commercial breaks. We come back from commercial to the crowd chanting "this is booty" and Sami Zayn trying not to laugh. Apparently, during the commercial breaks its been Dolph vs Stardust all the time and the crowd hates it as much as I would if I had to watch it. Zayn makes one of the most dead hot tags in his career. Sin Cara blind tags him and he dives onto Owens. Sin Cara goes for the swanton but eats Stardust's knees. Stardust makes the tag to the Miz and they try the Sami hot tag again to just as much quiet. Miz tries for the skull crushing finale but Sami reverses it into a sunset flip. Miz then hits the SCF anyway, but Dolph hits him with the Zig Zag before he can pin Sami. Then Stardust hits Dolph with the Queen's Crossbow and Sin Cara does a flip on Stardust. Sami is laid out and Owens is the last man standing, but not legal. He tags himself in on the Miz's dead body and tries the lateral press but Sami kicks out. He goes to tag back out but Miz and Stardust walk out. Sami does the Tornado DDT, followed by the Helluva Kick for three. Cole tries to sell this like its the blow off to the Sami Zayn/Kevin Owens rivalry. This was dire. This was horrible. Whoever is laying these matches out is actively trying to kill Sami Zayn on the main roster, it's amazing.
Triple H is back out again literally because he didn't get to finish his 20 minute promo earlier. I'm glad the top babyface is here because that last match totally killed my desire to watch Wrestlemania. Triple H says you can take your morality and shove it. Then Roman comes down again. Triple H meets him halfway up the ramp and they brawl. Oh no all the heels from the last match, plus the League and the Dudleys run down to help Hunter but the Usos and the babyfaces from the last match and the New Day come down and the heels fail to stop them from attacking Triple H. All like what nineteen men brawl. The heels drag Triple H up the ramp while the babyfaces keep Roman in the ring. Roman does a tope over the top rope into all the heels but Triple H manages to crawl away. The crowd chants what sounds like "you still suck" but it might also be "CM Punk" I can't be sure as they turned off the crowd mics. Monday Night Raw, the go home show for Wrestlemania, goes off the air to "silence" from a muted crowd. Yikes.
If I'm not mistaken the card is as follows
Dudleys vs Usos on the preshow
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal on USA
The New Day vs the League of Nations, 3 vs 4 tag match
The Total Divas vs Bad and Blonde, six diva tag match
Charlotte vs Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks, triple threat divas championship match
The Intercontinental Championship Mess, seven man ladder match
Kalisto vs Ryback for the US title
Deano Machino vs Brock, No Holds Barred
Triple H vs Roman Reigns, WWE WHC match
Shane McMahon vs Undertaker, control of Raw vs career
This is uninspiring for the biggest show of the year. Yikes.
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