It is the greatest night in the history of our sport, the aftermath of an absolute garbage Wrestlemania. JBL and Cole remind us that the night after Wrestlemania usually has nothing but smarks in attendance here in beautiful Dallas, Texas and sometimes they "cheer people they would normally boo, and boo people they normally cheer" for no reason.
Vince comes out to a mix of boos and fans singing his theme song. Vince says "how about that Wrestlemania?" and the crowd boos. He says that we unfortunately have a new champ and the crowd boos. He says that he'll never be blackmailed again now that Shane lost and the crowd boos. He says that the Undertaker beat the crap out of Shane and the crowd boos. He talks about how Shane jumped from the top of the cell to the tune of Shane O'Mac chants. Vince says tonight will be a night the smart marks in attendance will never forget and goes to leave when Shane's music hits and he limps out onto the stage. The crowd chants "thank you Shane," he has an enormous black bruise on his face. He says he has two things to say: because he's the only man in the McMahons, he came out to shake Vince's hand and to thank the WWE Universe for their reaction to his big dumb spot. They chant "you still got it" while Shane starts to cry. Vince says its because of the fans chanting that that Shane got murdered by Taker. Shane says "thank you again and goodbye." Vince stops him from leaving and says nobody upstages him. Vince says to prove his point, I don't know what it was, he's going-- The fans interrupt him with a "let him book it" chant. Vince says he'll turn the show over to Shane for just tonight!
OH DALLAS, DON'T YOU DARE BE SOUR, CLAP FOR YOUR WORLD-FAMOUS TWO TIME CHAMPS AND FEEL THE POWER! The New Day hit the ring, no longer SSJ although Woods does have a Booty-O impaled on his horn. They have a title match. It's Kofi and Big E defending the belts. Before they announce their opponents they get to cut a promo. The crowd does the 2 Live Crew chant, AYYYY WE WANT SOME NEW DAY. Big E says Wrestlemania didn't go to plan. Kofi did get to twerk with the heartbreak kid. but Woods got stunnered. Woods admits it was his own fault "BUT IT WAS LIT BAYYYYYBYYYYYY." They have the last piece of Wrestlemania Booty-Os. They say its the Booty of Life and Woods sings the Circle of Life from Lion King. Woods says tonight they're going to get back at the League tonight and walk out still-- and they start gyrating. The crowd fills in the blanks, your double-you double-you e world tag team champions. Cut to an ad for the amazing looking new WWE Film, Countdown. When we come back from commericial Lilian is gyrating with the New Day. They're going to be wrestling Barrett and Sheamus. Barrett gyrates his hips and does an inappropriate, not-PG action with his tongue at Big E. The crowd does the wave during a Sheamus heat segment and Sheamus seems to be taking it better than when he'd throw temper tantrums in years past. The match ends with a spike Big Ending. A spike Big Ending. Wrestlemania was so pointless. New Day gets out of dodge and starts chanting "we'll be champs forever" like the Forever Hooligans. Sheamus gets on the mic and says the League should be beating everybody in the WWE because they're four excellent superstars but there's something wrong. The crowd chants "How you doin'" at him. Sheamus waits for them to chant themselves out and says shut up. He says they're only as strong as their weakest link and he Brogue kicks Barrett. RIP Wade. The Wyatt's music hits, the lights go out, they come back and they're in the ring. They clear out the League handily and Bray takes out Sheamus with the Sister Abigail while the crowd singing their music. "Thank you Wyatt" chants as the camera zooms in on the snot inside Bray's nose before cutting to commercial.
Backstage, Vince is leaving because he's convinced tonight is going to be a disaster and he doesn't want to be around.
In the ring, Summer Rae is cutting a promo. She says she might have lost her match but at least she didn't get beat as bad as Sasha did. "What a waste" says Summer Rae. Sasha comes down. Sasha says she's still the boss and slaps Summer. The bell rings. Summer gets a near fall off a Rusev-style spin kick. Sasha hits the Banks Statement though and picks up the submission victory. Apollo Crews makes his main roster debut next, fresh off getting his match cut from Takeover on Friday.
The crowd legit boos a video package about the attendance record. Tyler Breeze is out and doesn't even get a jobber entrance surprisingly for his match with Apollo Crews. Crews gets a good reaction when he comes out. He beats Breeze quickly and excitingly after hitting the Uhaa Combination followed by a spinning backdrop powerbomb I've never seen him do before. They play a recap of Roman and Charlotte on the Today Show.
Roman is out for the nine o'clock segment, WWE title in tow, not around his waist. JBL keeps trying to brush off the heat by saying the night after Wrestlemania is bizarro world. Roman says "ahhh c'mon, I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a good guy. I'm the guy." He says that he's out here to issue an open challenge for his belt. Jericho, not in his gear but still not wearing a shirt, answers the challenge. He's wearing just a leather jacket, a scarf, and purple slacks. He says Reigns isn't the guy, he's just a guy. Jericho says Reigns can't compare to him, "internet favorite" AJ Styles can't compare to him. He beat AJ at Wrestlemania, he buried AJ at Wrestlemania. Jericho demands to be named the number one contender, despite just answering an open challenge. AJ's music hits and the crowd sings along. AJ makes it to the ring when Owens' music hits and the crowd gets even louder. Sami Zayn's music then hits and the crowd goes nuts and sings the loudest yet. Sami makes a b-line straight for Owens and they start brawling. Jericho uses that opening to jump AJ. Sami, Owens, and AJ end up on the floor and Reigns spears Jericho out of his boots to huge boos.
Backstage, Roman stalks the halls until Shane bumps into him. I can't hear anything Shane says because someone in my house is running a blender but he counts four things on his fingers so I'm assuming he just booked a number one contender's match.
Corbin's debut singles match on the main roster is now. He poses next to the Andre trophy for like way too long but his music is still playing so why not. He picks up a microphone to cut a promo. It's a heel promo. Dolph Ziggler comes down and I hope he's not going to cut a promo too. He doesn't thank goodness and just mostly bumps around for Corbin. An inflated beach ball is more over than this match and the crowd is chanting things at it. Corbin beats Ziggler up around ringside and gets himself counted out. He says "this is your fault!" to the ref, throws Ziggler into the stands, drags Ziggler around the crowd for a little bit for no reason, throws him back into the ringside area, then hits him with the End of Days on the ground. Up next they're just going to tell us the results of the Ambrose/Lesnar street fight. Spoilers y'all, it sucked.
They deliver on the promise of saying what the results of that match were via a series of still photos that made the match look even worse than it actually was.
Zack Ryder, your new Intercontinental champ, is out next to defend his belt but they cut Lilian's mic while she's announcing that its a title match. Zack has a mic and the crowd chants "you deserve it, woo woo woo." He really does, its just a shame it came four years too late. He said all his dreams came true last night and says when he was a kid, he met Razor Ramon and he let him hold his IC belt. Last night he took another picture with big Scott Hall and this time, Hall got to hold Zack's IC title. Zack thanks his dad who has enormous arms. The Miz interrupts Zack and he has new entrance gear and its amazing. It's like a big gold lame snake costume. Miz says Zack is a one hit wonder who ruined his Wrestlemania moment. Zack says "sucks to be you, bro." "No, it does not suck to be me!" says the Miz, twice while the crowd chants "yes it does!" I love these guys. The Miz says Zack doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as Razor Ramon, HBK, or the Miz if he doesn't defend his belt tonight, against the Miz. Zack says he has nothing to prove to the Miz and the Miz says Zack is scared that the Miz is going to send him back to LI with his "goofy old dad." Haha, okay that's why they cut Lilian's mic. The match is now made and it's a title match. The bell rings and as much fun as it is to listen to these goofballs talk to each other, its a different matter to watch them wrestle. Zack does a top rope frankensteiner to the Miz followed by a dropkick through the second rope to the floor. Zack hits the Miz with the Elbro Drop but Miz gets his foot on the ropes. I hope Zack puts him away with the 450. Miz throws Zack into the barricade in front of Zack's dad and he curses at the Miz and the sound cuts out. Miz gets in Zack's dad's face and he shoves the Miz to the ground, allowing Zack to turn the tables. While Zack has his back turned, MARYSE JUMPS THE BARRICADE. SHE MAKES A B-LINE FOR MR. RYDER AND SLAPS HIM. This distracts Zack just long enough for Miz to lay out Zack with the Skull Crushing Finale and the win. Your new championship couple, the Miz and Maryse.
Backstage, Renee interviews another French-Canadian beauty, Kevin Owens. Kevin says he's going to destroy the Roman Empire and take the strap. Sami is going to be a non-factor in the four-way match.
For the ten o'clock segment, Lita is in the ring with all the women wrestlers, not Divas anymore. Lita says that little girls watching the WWE today have a lot of role models to choose from. She is going to present the new belt officially to Charlotte. Charlotte cuts a promo while the fan do the New Day 2 Live Crew chant except with Bayley instead of New Day, or pussy for that matter. Cole says "Bayley's not here." The crowd switches to the weird British rendition of the 2 Live Crew chant that goes "OOO AAA I wanna know can you be my girl" or whatever. "These people are rude" says JBL. The crowd then, as if on cue, start chanting "Women's wrestling." Charlotte basks in that chant for a bit, then thanks her dad for ensuring that she won this new belt. The crowd starts chanting "Sasha" now. Charlotte is doing a terrible job dealing with this. She turns to Becky and Sasha and says "we did it. Well, I did it." Sasha leaves, followed by everyone else. Nattie goes and gets a microphone. Nattie says Charlotte needs to be humbled and taught respect. Nattie says that Charlotte talks about being genetically superior but Nattie has "the Hart of a champion." Charlotte says the belt means that the Flairs will always be better than the Harts. Nattie shoots a double and puts her in the sharpshooter. Ric grabs Charlotte and drags her out of the ring for the save. Segment ends with Charlotte backing up the ramp with her new belt and Nattie standing tall in the ring. Can't wait for that match again.
Backstage, Renee interviews AJ. He says the night after Wrestlemania is a night for change. He says he came to the WWE not to just wrestle at one Wrestlemania and give up, but to become the WWE champion. He says tonight is the start of a new era.
Primo and Epico do a vignette advertising Puerto Rico as a vacation destination. I hope this a prelude to them bringing back my main man, Carlito Colon.
Next up is a tables match between the Usos and the Dudley Boyz. They run through the Dudleys spots but when it comes for D-Von to get the tables, Bubba refuses to yell it. This creates the opening for the Usos to do a tope. The Dudleys sucker the Usos into putting themselves through the tables and the timekeeper rings the bell but you can't get beat by putting yourself through a table so Bubba throws a legit hissy fit, screaming at the timekeeper while D-Von puts one of the Usos through another table to actually finish the match.
Sami Zayn is interviewed by Renee Young backstage. Sami moves his head a lot when he talks. Owens jumps Sami and puts him through a table. He's out of the fatal four way in the main event. Did he get hurt doing his dive earlier?
Back from commercial, the Dudleys are still ranting at ringside. They say "Who can stop us?" when the realest guys in the room hit the ring. Enzo does his whole spiel and its amazing. I love these guys. Enzo says the Dudleys are ugly as hell. "You're so ugly, tears run down the back of your head to avoid your face, how you doin." He calls out D-Von's lazy eye, he says he has the gift of gab and gift of jab and he'll put the eye back to work. The Dudleys go to confront Enzo and Cass but they turn around at the last minute and walk out. Cass has just one word for cowards like the Dudleys and he's gonna spell it out for ya. S-A-W-F-T, SAWFT. Awesome.
Main event time as AJ comes out, followed by Jericho and Owens. Who will be the fourth man? They announce that Sami won't be in the match three separate times. The fourth man is the Swiss superman Cesaro. He comes out in a suit with sunglasses. He's so European. It's a breakaway suit though and he had his gear on underneath. AJ and Cesaro get rid of the heels and square off. The crowd loves it. The sequence is amazing. Then they cut to a long commercial break featuring a several minute long Camp WWE ad. Bummer during such an exciting match. Cesaro is the best, I missed him so much. He does all his spots including the bad and contrived double tower of doom spot I hate. I still get excited whenever Owens teases the package piledriver and disappointed when it turns out to be a package powerbomb. Cesaro swings Jericho and puts him in the sharpshooter but AJ breaks it up by hitting him with the forearm. Owens rolls up Styles for two. He goes for the Steenalizer but AJ pele kicks him. Jericho codebreaks AJ's face but AJ kicks out at 2.9. AJ hits Jericho with the clash for the win. He's the number one contender!
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