Live from beautiful New Orleans, Louisiana, home of Wrestlemania 30, it's Monday Night Raw. I don't think anything newsworthy happened this week. It's business as usual here in the WWE Universe. Today is E3 press conference day and Sony is counter-programming Raw. I will not be listening to Monday Night Raw commentary after 9:30.
Show kicks off with a moment of silence in the memory of the folks killed in Orlando on Saturday followed by an announcement that the Shield will reunite... in a special Ambrose Asylum weird talk show thing. New Day are out first though. Kofi is wearing the bad Steph Curry shoes but he says they're hot in the streets. Big E says they're Orthopeezies. Xavier and Big E really roast Kofi's shoes. Shoes or no shoes, the New Day will walk out of the next pay per view with their belts. Enzo and Cass interrupt them. They do their spiel and Kofi says they're doing just fine, thank you. Cass says the New Day are wearing dildos on their heads. Kofi responds by waggling his horn violently and saying "yup." Cass and Enzo then start roasting Kofi's shoes. Cass says Enzo blew Franchesca II and Xavier says she's a strong, independent woman and can go where she likes. Enzo calls the trombone "Franky." He got the trombone drunk in New Orelans. He also fingered Franchesca II and calls himself Enzo Satchmo. Xavier responds by getting in Enzo's face saying "I'm the only one who blows my girl." Kofi says a verbal debate needs to start between Xavier and Enzo to settle who gets to blow Franchesca II but the Vaudevillians interrupt. Then Gallows and Gun interrupt. Cass calls the four heels SAWFT and an eight man tag match starts. Gallows definitely thinks he's as funny as the New Day and he definitely is not. Cole and JBL say Aiden English should have been cast in Hamilton. I don't think they know what Hamilton is. Gallows and Gun pin Kofi with the Magic Killer.
A Make Darren Young Great Again vignette plays. Bob Backlund wants Darren to be thrifty. Darren says he's already thrifty and asks Backlund how he stays so thrifty. Backlund says that he only owns one set of clothes and he's wearing them because "you gotta want it." These segments could be so funny but the timing is so bad.
Backstage, Shane and Stephanie bicker over who gets to run Raw and Smackdown. Stephanie wants to run both but Shane says she and Triple H ran both shows into the ground. THERE IS KANE. He offers to run one of the shows and gives Stephanie his resume and a letter of recommendation from The Undertaker on The Undertaker stationary. He makes a lot of fire puns. Smackdown is going to be red hot under Kane's supervision! JBL says he wants to be the GM of Smackdown. Byron offers to be part of his "cab-i-net."
Backstage, Zack is mocking Sheamus in front of some kids when Sheamus runs in and says he's going to embarrass Zack for bullying him like that. Zack says, "Hey Apollo" and runs away while Sheamus' back is turned. This all happens in front of three kids in suits and none of them take a bump.
Another bad green screen Shining Stars vignette plays. It looks like cheap garbage but I muted the stream so maybe the actual promo is fine. Probably isn't.
Titus O'Neil is out for a match but Rusev jumps him before he can even get to the ramp. He lays him out, superkicks him in the head, and locks in the Accolade. A half dozen refs run out. They try to pry Rusev off O'Neil and fail! Rusev finally elects to leave but not before berating O'Neil in Bulgarian.
Ambrose Asylum is next at the 9pm segment. I have Raw muted so this is not going to be very informative. They talk for 15 minutes and then start to brawl. It ends with Dean standing tall.
Cena and Shane talk backstage.
Dean and Stephanie talk backstage. The closed captions say that Dean called Stephanie evil.
On commentary for the next match between Charlotte and Paige, it's Nattie and Becky Lynch! I missed that entire match, no idea who won.
Backstage, Sami and Cesaro talk to Renee. Cesaro seems upset that he's not getting a solo interview with Renee. Sami and Cesaro bicker for a while.
Elsewhere backstage, Dana and Charlotte bicker for a while.
Zack Ryder and Sheamus wrestle for a while. Apollo Crews runs down and the match falls apart I think.
Backstage, Shane, Kane and Kevin Owens bicker. Del Rio runs in and all four of them bicker. Shane got a heck of a tan during his week off.
Sami Zayn wrestles Cesaro. Sami wins with a yoshi tonic. Good match but I was watching Call of Duty footage at the same time.
Cole is in the ring as Cena comes out for the 10pm segment. Cena is out for a contract signing though. He puts over Roman and Seth. I think this is a promo I'm going to have to watch tomorrow because judging from the closed captions, it's a heck of a worked shoot. AJ comes out and they show down in front of the contract signing table. There are two contracts. One is John Cena vs AJ, The Club banned from ringside. The other is John Cena vs AJ and the Club. AJ signs the one on one match contract.
Del Rio out next. I thought he was mid-2000s Batista for a hot second. He will be in a tag team match with Kevin Owens! They will be wrestling the Lucha Dragons. Chances of one of the heels walking out on the other approaching 100%. Del Rio and Owens fight, Kalisto hits Del Rio with the Salida del Sol, he rolls to the outside. Owens rolls Del Rio back into the ring, Sin Cara hits him with a swanton bomb, Owens breaks it up, drags Del Rio to the corner, tags himself in, and gets the win with a the pop up powerbomb after some wacky Sin Cara big man lucha moves. Nobody walked out! Del Rio superkicks Owens while he's celebrating.
Backstage, Owens complains to Stephanie.
Minutes later backstage, Stephanie and Shane bicker about who gets to run which show. They agree that Corporate Kane would be good but Demon Kane would be bad and they are the same guy. Kane walks in and they turn him down for the position. Kane says he wants to put the electrocuting Shane's testicles with a car battery thing behind them then sadly leaves.
Sami and Owens are on commentary for Ambrose vs Jericho. Cesaro is the ring announcer for some reason. Jericho yells "69 cats" for some reason before he and Ambrose lock up. Jericho stands tall as the show goes off the air.
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