Live from beautiful Bodymore, Murdaland, it's the Kevin Owens Show! Nah, it's Monday Night Raw. Backlash last night was good. I'm not feeling great. The show is live, did I mention that?
Mick Foley out to open the show. Tonight, if Roman can beat Owens in a one on one match he will be added to the title match at Clash of Champions. Mick congratulates Becky Lynch on her win last night at Backlash and invites Charlotte out to the ring. They recap the bad Sasha fake retirement segment from last week. Charlotte says apologies are in order. Dana says Charlotte doesn't have to apologize to her for being a jerk, it's okay. Charlotte says that she wasn't going to apologize to Dana but instead demand an apology from Dana or end their mentorship. Dana immediately apologizes. Mick says this isn't why they're supposed to be out there. This segment is dying a death. Sasha interrupts. Then Bayley interrupts. She demands her title shot for beating Charlotte. Sasha then demands her rematch. Dana suggests that Mick book a Bayley/Sasha best of seven for a title shot. Charlotte says she'll slap the taste out of Dana's mouth if she talks again. Mick books a #1 Contendership match between Sasha and Bayley tonight. Charlotte goes to boss Dana around and Dana decks Charlotte. Mick adds her to the match, it's a triple threat!
That match immediately starts. Sasha rolls up Bayley for the #1 contendership for some reason, despite them putting a heel to eat the pin in the match. Why couldn't she pin Dana?
The Shining Stars try to get R-Truth to invest in a timeshare. R-Truth signs up and says "YAHTZEE!" Enzo and Cass show up to rain on their parade. They challenge the Shining Stars to a rematch and the Shining Stars accept.
Young Boy Tom interviews Kevin Owens. He says he's going to beat Roman tonight and walk out of Clash of Champions still the champ. "Trust me." Jericho runs in as Kevin leaves. Jericho says that Mick didn't screw Owens by booking him with Roman, he screwed Jericho by pulling Kevin as his guest. Owens called Tom "Terry" and Jericho called him "Felipe." Sami Zayn is a "stupid idi-- IT."
Bo Dallas cuts a heel poem. "I should have learned this long ago, only I can Bolieve in Bo." He beats up jobber Brandon Scott. Scott gets "let's go jobber" chants. Don't get ahead of yourself, Baltimore. Bo hits Jeff Cobb's move and also wins.
Highlight Reel is next at 9pm. Jericho says Kevin Owens is so inspirational Tom Cruise could play him in a movie but he's also so handsome Brad Pitt could play him. Chris says Kevin was at the highest heights but tonight his guest is the lowest of the low. He lays down on the canvas to intro his guest, Sami Zayn. Corey compares Sami to Seth Rogen. Jericho to Sami on Owens: "You probably don't have his phone number anymore. I got it. You want it? Can't have it." Sami says Owens is probably just using Jericho and isn't really his best friend. Sami says Jericho used to be the man but now he's Kevin Owens' bitch! Small "Jericho sucks" chant. Jericho goes to show Sami a meaningful heartfelt text he got from Kevin earlier but hits Sami with his phone instead, then he codebreakers him.
Sheamus vs Cesaro. Cesaro won a match on a house show so now it's 3-1. I love watching matches with telegraphed finishes on TV. Cesaro wins with an assist from the ropes. 3-2.
Backstage, Seth is upset with Mick about adding Roman to the match. Mick says Stephanie doesn't care about wins or losses without any provocation. Seth questions Mick's integrity, Mick says "don't question my integrity," Seth says he won't question Mick's integrity. He promises he won't interfere in the Owens/Roman match and leaves.
Alicia Fox. Holy cow, they're actually following up on the thing from last week. Tom interviews Nia backstage. She says she's going to "beat the crap out of Alicia Fox." Not a good promo, yikes. Nia rams Alicia through the bit of the guard rail that everyone gets rammed through and the match is called off. Cole says Alicia is being tended to by medical professionals.
AWWWWW BALTIMORE. It's the New Day. Big E dispenses Booty-Os to the crowd via a pair of wrestling boots. Woods holds the microphone like Ken Anderson. He says the Club tried to be entertaining but that's the New Day's thing. They admit that the segment last week with the Old Day was horrible. In the time the Club wasted with the segment last week, you could have listened to Hamilton, looked up the Ravens highlights, gotten hypnotized, or had some Booty-Os. They make sure you ain't booty. The New Day promise there will never be a bad skit again as long as they remain tag team champions. Gallows and Gun come out and get the cheap heat. They start to wrestle, Kofi and Woods are the New Day representatives. Karl and Doc win with the Magic Killer.
Backstage, Roman runs into Tom. Roman says that the only thing that matters is getting to the pay-per-view and winning the belt.
Jinder Mahal out, introed as "the man who comes in peace." Weird. I don't think I've ever heard Jinder speak. Even playing up the Hindi, he sounds like he belongs in blink-182. He discovered inner peace while he was away from the WWE and wants to share it with everyone. Oh great, here comes Jack Swagger. Thought there wasn't enough jingoism on Raw lately. Jinder wasn't even getting heat for speaking in a foreign language. He was saying nice things! I just realized, they're doing this to counter program Colin Kaepernik's national anthem deal on Monday Night Football. I switched the channel to ESPN, doubt the match was more interesting than Lindsey Stirling playing the violin while fans hurled racial harassment at Colin Kaepernik over top of it. Anyway, I missed the finish.
Backstage, Tom tries to interview Jack who is out of breath and doesn't say anything.
Enzo and Cass out. They do their thing and the Enzo wrestles Shining Star Epico as negotiated earlier. Epico wins with a little extra-legal help from his cousin, holding Enzo's feet down while Epico applies the lateral press.
Rollins and Owens bump into each other backstage. Seth wishes Owens good luck because he wants a one on one match, either with Owens or with Triple H. Owens promises that their match will be one on one, but he expected Seth to want Roman to carry him. Someone has always carried Seth, according to Owens. Be it Roman, Dean, Kane, J&J Security, John Stewart, or Triple H himself. Owens says all Seth has done since his return is screw up. "Redesigned, rebuilt, replaced." Mick runs in and tells Owens to stop antagonizing Seth. He reminds Seth that if he runs in tonight, "there will be consequences."
Roman out first to a fairly good reaction. It actually kind of sounds like the old Smackdown hair dryer? But it looks like people are actually reacting in the crowd. Then out comes Kevin Owens and they wrestle. They have a pretty good match until Rollins runs down the ramp and jumps Owens. Mick and a bunch of agents run down and pull Seth off Owens. Mick starts screaming at Seth. "WE'RE HAVING A TALK." Mick restarts the match. They keep going and hitting big moves and I checked out around 10 o'clock when football started. Eventually Rusev runs in, distracts Roman for a second, and lets Owens hit Roman with the pop up powerbomb for the win. Owens gets out of dodge while Rusev picks Roman's bones. I love the Ru-man. Rusev puts Roman in the Accolade.
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