Live from beautiful Cincinatti, Ohio, it's that time of the week again. It's Monday Night Raw, baby! Roman beat Rusev for the US title last night and that's really all that happened. Oh, there was a Cesaro/Sheamus match that went to a no contest as the blow-off to the best of seven and featured Sheamus doing a worked concussion deal and wandering off. I thought it was a really boring pay-per-view and a bad way to kick off the brand split ppvs but what do I know.
Roman opening the show this week for Rusev's contractually obligated rematch. Rusev gets the ol' jabroni entrance. The match opens with some chain wrestling. Then it abruptly stops and a regular WWE style match begins. Rusev hits Roman with a great looking dropkick. They then play a replay of the kick where Rusev is out of frame for most of it. The match is good and fun but it goes for almost exactly 30 minutes and then ends with a double countout as Roman and Rusev brawl through the crowd. They continue brawling around ringside for a while. Roman tries to superman punch Rusev off the steel steps but Rusev counters with a steel chair to the stomach followed by a steel chair to the back. Roman then spears Rusev and starts laughing. I think that vest he's got makes him immune to chair shots. That should be a real thing they book for real, like the whole Samoan skull thing. The Samoan chair-proof vest. Roman picks up the chair, gets some babyface heat for the first time tonight, and instead of waffling Rusev with it, just sits down. To a lot of boos. But it was a fake out, Roman then breaks the chair in half on Rusev's back. Doing that fake out with the chair wasn't the worst idea but it certainly wasn't the best either.
Mick Foley in the ring to address the best of seven non-finish. He brings Sheamus and Cesaro out to figure out what to do. They both demand their championship opportunities for putting their bodies through the best of seven. Sheamus demands his shot because he was winning the match last night. Cesaro says he demands the shot because he didn't have to get dragged backstage because he didn't get a worked concussion. Mick says both guys are right, neither guy lost. He grants the two of them a title shot against the WWE tag team champions, be it the Club or the New Day. Mick brings the New Day out. Woods does the Sheamus chest pound taunt to the rhythm of the New Day rocks chant. The Club come out and the match begins following a commercial.
The match is actually in progress when the commercial break ends. The New Day retain after a way worse match than last night with a Trouble in Paradise to Machine Gun Karl Anderson. Immediately post-match, the ringside doctor checks on Kofi and they cut away to Cole and company at the announce table. They play a behind the scenes video from last night where Triple H picked up Stephanie from the show. Also, they show Seth Rollins' x-ray that proves Owens cracked his ribs doing an avalanche gutbuster.
Backstage, Sheamus and Cesaro are still arguing and Mick is still trying to mediate it. Mick says he, Michael PS Hayes, and Arn Anderson all think the two of them would be a great tag team. He challenges them to prove the three hall of famers right.
It's Bayley! "Hey, hey, look who it is!" says Byron Saxton. She is wrestling Anna Fields who looks extremely familiar. Bayley wins with the Bayley-to-Belly.
Backstage, the audio is hugely jacked up for a segment with Mick and Stephanie. I can't make out anything they're saying. Eventually it fixes but all I can tell that's happening is Stephanie emasculating Mick again. She's mad at Mick for not being a businessman I think.
It's cruiserweights time. Rich Swann and Cedric Alexander versus Drew Gulak and Lince Dorado. Drew is wearing only one kneepad. I hate Lince Dorado, I think I'm still upset about him getting overpushed in Chikara six years ago. Rich wins with the Rich Kick on Drew Gulak. The match is pretty good but like only stands out in anyway because it's happening in the WWE. It's an extremely bog standard match.
Cesaro comes out for his tag team match with Sheamus. Sheamus' music interrupts Cesaro's entrance. They shoulder each other all the way down the ramp. They're wrestling some jobbers. Dick Cutler and somebody else. They're doing that "tag team partners hate each other and won't cooperate" deal.
Backstage, Tom interviews TJ Perkins, the cruiserweight champ. The Brian Kendrick runs in to yell at him.
Charlotte and Dana in the ring. Charlotte is gloating over beating Sasha and Bayley and Dana is cheerleading. Charlotte says she's not huggable like Bayley or loveable Sasha, but she's the "moneymaker and face of the this division." Sasha interrupts, calls Charlotte "Charles", and demands a singles rematch for the title right here, right now. Charlotte calls Sasha "Sasha Wanks." Charlotte grants Sasha the match... next week!! Sasha says she'll wrestle her next week and then slaps her but Charlotte turns into the slap and it looks bad. She backstabbers Dana and dumps the two blondes out of the ring. Also Seth is here!
Backstage, Mick tries to intecept Seth before he can interrupt Jericho and Owens on the Highlight Reel. Seth says he's not going to sit back while Triple H continues to screw him. He calls Mick Stephanie's puppet and storms off.
TJ Perkins in the ring next for a match in the cruiserweight division. They change the ropes and the turnbuckle pads and the apron curtain for all the cruiserweight matches. TJ will be wrestling Tony Nese. This match is another nothing match but nowhere near as good as the earlier tag match. The crowd hates it though, chanting for CM Punk and Randy Savage. TJ wins and not a minute too soon. A video package for Pedro Morales plays for Hispanic Heritage Month.
It's time for the Highlight Reel! They play a video Ashton Kutcher, A plus K himself, and Danny Masterson made where they call out Jericho a fake friend. Ashton buries Jericho for being short. They're going to be on Raw next week because it's in LA. In the ring, Jericho says nobody is better friends than Jericho and Owens and if Kutcher and Masterson show up, they're going on The List. Jericho puts the cameraman on the list. Rollins is on a list, the injured list! Jericho has been in the WWE for 20 years and he's never been injured but Seth has been injured a lot. The man who most recently has injured Seth Rollins is Jericho's guest and his best friend, Kevin Owens. Jericho says the Jeritron 5000 cost $6500 five years ago. I think that's the funniest thing Jericho has said in this most recent run. It's killing me. Owens says he would wear a suit but Cincinatti is too much of a dump to wear a suit in, just like their favorite son Dean Ambrose. Dean owes Jericho seventeen thousand dollars. Owens starts yelling about how he's the main event and the man. He says he's the man because he injured Rollins, who has a history of injuring people. He was the most dangerous man in the WWE and Owens broke him. Seth's music hits. Seth starts storming down to the ring when security, who again look suspiciously like local southern Ohio indie wrestlers, along with Dave Finlay and Mick Foley stop him. Owens taunts him from the ring. "Just say 'I can't wrestle, because Kevin Owens broke me in half.'" Seth gets dragged backstage and Jericho starts gloating. These two, man. Oh give me a break, Enzo and Cass' music hits. Byron says "This is a worst case scenario" and I completely agree. Enzo does his spiel with a lisp in honor of Seth probably. "Bonafide, thtud." Corey says Enzo has his own mic "for sanitary reasons." Jericho tries to send Enzo and Cass off without conflict by putting them on The List. Enzo and Cass have special pop filters on their mics that are shaped like old timey boxing mics like Ken Anderson used to use. Cass says if Jericho is making a list, does that make him Santa Claus? Jericho threatens to sit on their laps. Jericho then immediately denies that he said it and instead claims that he said he was going to punch him in the face. It's like the "I'm gonna fondle my sweaters" thing from Wet Hot American Summer. Cass says that Mick booked them in the main event against the best friends, Jericho and Owens. Chuck and Trent should sue for copyright infringement.
Jericho and Owens win after a way too long match. Yikes.
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