Live from beautiful Kansas City, in one of the assuredly beautiful states where there's a Kansas City, welcome to the Kevin Owens Show! Paige is "done" with the WWE, Sasha says she's going to retire tonight, and the NXT Paul political hit is in full force.
The show opens with a ridiculously long recap of last week's events. Earlier today, Stephanie was on the phone. She's putting her weight behind Owens now despite looking pissed off last week. Mick doesn't seem into it. Mick doesn't think Stephanie was really oblivious about Hunter running in last week. Mick says he remembers Stephanie as a child and that means she should be honest with him. She says she was being honest when she said she had nothing to do with it because she was humiliated by Hunter. Mick says if she's still lying that means she's a very good liar and a very bad person and he refuses to believe that so he's choosing to believe her. This is a bad promo and a bad way to kick off the show. Oh well.
Back live, Stephanie and Mick are in the ring and they invite the new champ down. Kevin is in a suit tonight and Cole says "never mind the sweatpants." Cole, Kevin didn't wear sweatpants he wore a singlet or basketball shorts over a singlet. Come on, dude. Kevin berates the crowd for chanting "you deserve it" at him. He says the crowd is trying to put themselves over by doing that dumb chant. Raw is now officially The Kevin Owens Show. Seth's music hits and he storms down to the ring. Kevin goes to yell at Seth for cutting him off but Seth shouts him down. Seth is pissed at Stephanie for letting Hunter make Kevin the champ. He carried the company on his back and it cost him months out of his career only to get stabbed in the back by McMahons again. He says Kevin is just a puppet and so is Mick. This is Seth turning babyface by being a big asshole I guess. Not complaining. Seth says NXT Paul has been holding Owens' hand and pushing him through during his entire WWE career. Seth says to get back at Stephanie and HHH, he'll burn the entire New Era and the WWE to the ground. Owens says that ever since Seth got back from injury the only thing the Architect has had blueprints for is failure. Seth lays Owens out and tosses him out of the ring. Stephanie "indefinitely suspends" Seth but Mick immediately overturns it. This is Monday Night Raw, they don't suspend people they book rematches on Monday nights! Mick says he doesn't like Seth but that doesn't matter when he's as talented as he is. The rematch will be at Clash of the Champions, Seth vs Owens for the strap. The crowd boos.
Backstage, Stephanie and Mick are bickering when Kevin runs in to bicker at them. They book a match with Kevin's old best friend but his new best friend butts in. Jericho asks Mick if Seth Rollins is "a Holy Foley mark." I think it's Kevin vs Sami and Jericho vs Seth tonight.
Charlotte out next with Dana. Dana has a clipboard. I like Dana and Charlotte but I liked Dana with the Club more. The clipboard is for Dana to take notes. I think they're setting up a Dana babyface turn which is a terrible idea. Charlotte will be wrestling Bayley. Bayley does the Sting spot where she gets slammed into the turnbuckle but hulks out of it repeatedly until she slams Charlotte into the buckle over and over again. The crowd loves it. Turns out old school babyface spots still work, who knew. Bayley pins Charlotte with a Bayley-to-Belly after a match I think went five minutes too long but the crowd seemed really into consistently. Bayley pinned the champ, I guess that means she gets a title shot at Clash of the Champions.
Connor's Cure vignette followed by a Cruiserweight vignette featuring Mascara Dorada, Jack Gallagher, and Akira Tozawa. Two weeks!
Backstage, Charlotte screams at Dana for doing a bad job at taking notes. Charlotte says she was "embarrassed by the Sesame Street kid." Dana tries to apologize but Charlotte just hits her.
BO DALLAS BABY. Bo comes out with a placard that says "BO-LIEVE in BO." Bo is going to wrestle some jabroni. Kyle Roberts. Bo is actually getting a squash. This is so exciting. I can't believe he didn't get fired over the Lion King incident. Bo successfully squashes Kyle Roberts.
Backstage, Jericho promises to give Seth the gift of Jericho because he loves his best friend Kevin. Kevin and Jericho hug.
Jericho vs Rollins is the next match up in the 9 o'clock spot. Fairly split crowd, very hot match. Seth wins with the Pedigree after fifteen minutes or so.
Cesaro vs Sheamus match eight million out of nine trillion. Sheamus wins in a match that has killed the crowd cold. 3-0, Sheamus.
The Shining Stars are in the ring. Labor Day might be the end of the summer in the US, but summer is year round in Puerto Rico. Enzo and Cass interrupt. They do the thing and the haters thing. He says they're trying to sell a Caribbean time share but it really sounds like he's saying Caribbean time shit. Enzo goes into labor on Labor Day. This is bad. Enzo and Cass have been bad for like three or four weeks in a row. Enzo gives birth to an invisible child. Enzo's invisible child is SAWFT and so are the Shining Stars. They wrestle and the Shining Stars squeak out a victory.
Backstage, Tom interviews Sami. Sami is frustrated that Kevin is now the champ despite Sami beating him at Battleground. Sami says he's jealous of Kevin. Kevin runs in. Kevin says he's done playing catchup with Sami and now he won the race. Sami is nothing without Kevin. Sami says the race won't ever, ever be over and when he wins the Universal title, Sami won't need Triple H to hand it to him.
Nia Jax up next, presumably squashing someone. Ann Esposito. Ann is wearing jean shorts, jacking the Cena gimmick I guess. Nia wins but I missed the finish because my cable went out! Thanks Comcast.
10 o'clock segment with The Club. They say they're going to retire the New Day. Then they introduce the Old Day. Three guys in grey wigs take forever to get down to the ring. This is no Rock This Is Your Life segment, that's for sure. Old Xavier has to use Franchesca III as a hearing aid. Old E's pecs are saggy. This goes on forever (three minutes) before the New Day make their appearance. Woods asks Old Woods who his favorite X-Man is, but Old Woods doesn't know it's Cyclops. Kofi is worried they're going to destroy the universe if they touch their future selves. The Old Day sell for the idea of a temporal paradox. The New Day roll into the ring to "beat up the bald guys" but the Club bail out and escape up the ramp. The New Day then dance until the Old Day try to jump them and whack Big E with a cane. Big E no sells it. Kofi and Xavier beat up and remove the older versions of themselves, leaving Old E in the ring alone with the New Day. Big E and Xavier do a cool double team big ending, where Big E does the regular big ending while Xavier does a diving DDT.
Darren Young with Bob tries to hinder Jinder. Darren beats Jinder with the Gut Check despite Titus trying to get involved. Titus corners Bob but Darren makes the save and beats Titus up until the referees drag the two former friends apart. Bob and Darren celebrate in the ring. This is a cool story I wish they were telling better, Darren becoming more ruthless and dangerous under Bob's tutelage.
Backstage, Nia Jax rubs the fact that she beat Alicia Fox's friend Ann up in Alicia's face. Alicia Fox owns. Alicia goes nuts and starts throwing stuff around. She accidentally slams a cooler into Nia's face. Nia shoves Alicia and storms off.
BRAUNNNNNN. His opponent tonight is Sin Cara. Young Boy Tom interviews him but you can't understand anything he's saying because his mask doesn't have a mouth hole. He should have to wear it like Spider-Man eating a pizza when he's promoing. If Braun takes Sin Cara's mask and lets him go back to being Hunico, I'm totally down with this squash. Sin Cara has new music that isn't the old Mistico Sin Cara music or Kalisto's music. Braun wins via countout when he slams Sin Cara to the floor. Braun then continues to beat Sin Cara up around ringside while screaming "get out of my ring" despite not being in a ring. He does not take Sin Cara's mask.
"It's boss time on Monday Night Raw!" Thank you, Michael Cole. Sasha has promised some Bad News. I hope that means she's getting a scissor lift and a gavel. Sasha talks about Moolah as a role model. No Sasha she was a pimp. She then talks about the Women's Revolution ending the Diva era. This is a retirement speech. I hope it's a Mark Henry retirement speech not a Daniel Bryan retirement speech. Crowd starts to chant "please don't go" as she starts to break into tears. She says she has an update on her condition when Dana Brooke's music starts playing. Dana comes out and says she's going to be the one to end Sasha's journey. Sasha reverses the Samoan Driver into the Bank Statement. Sasha calls Dana Miss Piggy and reveals that she will be reclaiming her belt from Charlotte at Clash of the Champions. It was, in fact, a Mark Henry promo.
Our main event, Sami Zayn vs Kevin Owens is next! They have that match they keep having and it's as good as the others. Maybe not quite the Battleground match but still. The finish comes when Sami takes a spill off the tornado ddt and twists his ankle. Owens tries to apron bomb Sami but Sami reverses and gets Owens with a half and half on the floor and drops him right on his head. They stumble around a bit, get in the ring, and Owens wins with a jacknife powerbomb. Roman's music hits to the familiar cacophony of boos. Roman makes his way into the ring as Owens begs off until his best friend comes down. Mick then comes out and books Roman vs Owens for Baltimore next week for Roman to earn a spot in the Clash of the Champions title match and turn it into a triple threat. Mick leaves and Jericho tries to jump Reigns but eats a spear for his trouble. The end. I miss Rusev. Also I think these Raws since the brand split are going to be looked back upon fondly by fans in the future. They're still too long and both tag team segments were totally dire and everything but it feels like most of the segments have momentum.
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