Live from beautiful, exotic Orlando, Florida, it's the Raw after Wrestlemania. Raw Results: Neville retained, Mojo won the Andre battle royal, Bayley retained, the Hardyz redebuted and won the straps, Seth beat Triple H with his move, Brock beat Big Berg, and Roman retired the Undertaker.
Show opens with an interminable Undertaker chant that slowly but surely transitions into a Roman Sucks chant. Roman's music hits and he steps out in front of ten thousand people who all want him dead. He grabs a microphone and the crowd starts chanting "delete." This turns into "fuck you Roman." The spirit of ECW is alive in Orlando tonight. The crowd "deletes" again for a bit and then start a "you suck" one. Any time he tries to speak into the microphone they drown him out with boos. "Asshole" chants. He teases speaking like a dozen times and the boos never get quieter, they never get tired. The "Shut the fuck up" chants start before he ever speaks. Roman says five words, "This is my yard now." His music starts back up and he leaves. Commentary explains that the fans tonight are "nontraditional" and that's why they boo who they boo and cheer who they hear.
First up is Gallows and Gun in a rematch for their belts. Their opponents? The Hardy Boyz! Unbroken as they may be. My internet went out and didn't come back until the commercial break. When the show returns, Gallows and Gun are in control and the crowd is chanting "broken Matt." "Fuck that owl" chants from the Orlando faithful. Jeff gets the hot tag and does all his spots. Jeff is so exciting, even being old as dirt now. Karl cuts him off though and the Club hit Jeff with the Boot of Doom for a near fall. They go for the Magic Killer but Matt trips Anderson up, allowing Jeff to get Gallows with a twist of fate. Matt follows him up with a second twist of fate and a swanton bomb follows that for the win.
Neville is in the purple zone. Neville brags about beating up Aries at Wrestlemania. I wonder who they're going to have beat Neville tonight. Neville says tonight he's going to remind everyone he's unstoppable. Mustapha Ali interrupts him and the bell rings. Neville refuses to respect the Code of Honor. They lock up and wrestle for a bit. Ali knocks Neville to the floor with a spin kick then lionsaults on him. Is that what an Asai Moonsault is? I've only watched a handful of Ultimo Dragon matches. The crowd is so loud. They crowd is making a lot of noise about something off screen. The whole crowd is looking at it. There's a beach ball. That's what they're freaking out about. "Beach ball mania" chant. Hate the fans. They do the 2 Live Crew "Hey we want some beach ball" chant. The match itself is an insane, fast-paced spotfest. Neville teases the Red Arrow but hops down off the top rope and puts Ali in the rings of Saturn for the submission win. Nevile gloats over Ali with the belt. This was one of the best Cruiserweight matches on Raw since they started the division.
Backstage, a limo pulls up. The chairman steps out, Mr McMahon is in Orlando.
YOU GOT NO CHANCE. The crowd chants "Roman sucks" at him. "Well, if that's how you feel." Vince rules. He might be a nazi but he knows how to deal with a crowd. He thanks the crowd for making Mania so much fun. He says the WWE wheel will keep turning. He announces a "Superstar Shakeup" for next week. I assume that's a draft? "Fire Roman" chants ring out as Vince tries to address Stephanie taking the table bump last night. Vince says she'll be out of action. The crowd chants yes. Vince says the fans are being insensitive. They chant "Delete." "You're being downright cruel! What's the matter with you! You're being bloodthirsty! What's the matter with you!" The crowd cheers. Vince announces a new General Manager, a hall of famer! Teddy Long's music hits and he dances out onto the stage. "Teddy stop dancing. Teddy stop dancing, please. It's not you!" "It's not me?" Feel sad for Teddy. This is the saddest I've felt for Teddy since Aksana cucked him. "Well, my bad! Holla, holla, holla!" He dances away. The new GM is Kurt Angle! It's true, it's damn true.
IT'S A NEW DAY YES IT IS. Kofi and Woods are dressed like Road Warriors and E has a Booty-Os Backpack. Big E says last night gave him an erection. Woods has ice cream boxing gloves for some reason. They issue an open challenge to anyone "who thinks they're good enough to catch this cream." It's the Revival. Oh man. They knock over the Bootycycle or whatever. "Top guys" chants from the crowd. What are Arn and Tully doing here! The Revival go over in an extended squash with the shatter machine. They beat down Kofi after the match. They do the indian deathlock stomp to Kofi.
Backstage, Kurt is unpacking when Enzo and Cass show up. Kurt deadpans their schtick and it rules. They tell Kurt it was unfair that the Hardys got booked in their title match last night. He books them in a number one contender match with Sheamus and Cesaro. "That's not how you spell soft."
Bayley out. Bayley will be tagging with Dana, who is her friend now, and Sasha. I wonder who is going to be on the Evil team. Evil Emma's music hits. She climbs on the announce table and takes off her shoulder pads. "I'm back," she screams on her way down the ramp. She's tagging with Nia Jax and Charlotte. This match is kind of a mess but the pace helps it. Nia gets exposed a lot at this speed though. The finish comes when the babyfaces clear the ring and Sasha locks in the banks statement on Charlotte for the win. This was dumb as sin. Charlotte attacks Nia and Emma after the match but Nia beats Charlotte down as Emma just leaves.
Backstage, Sami and Kurt interact. Sami wants to establish a rapport with Kurt. Kurt says he has three Is so no matter what, he's going to get by. Jinder runs in. He's so vascular. He wants justice for Gronk running in on the battle royal last night. Sami tries to get him to butt out of his conversation with Kurt. Kurt books them in a singles match tonight!
The champion, the beast incarnate, is here! Here comes the pain and the pain's advocate. Heyman gloats about how the Beast destroyed the superhero Goldberg. Heyman says Goldberg is done, vanquished. You'll never see him again. The crowd chants "Yes." They chant "Thank your Brock." Brock needs new challengers. Heyman floats Seth's name and the crowd boos. He says Matt Hardy and the crowd pops. He says Jeff and the crowd pops a little softer. He says "both Hardyz vs Brock Lesnar" and the crowd doesn't react. Roman is Brock's opponent Heyman says to determine whose yard this really is. The crowd HATES this idea. They chant "we want Balor." Heyman just steamrolls through it. Heyman says Brock wants Roman tonight on Monday Night Raw. But the Mountain Among Men's music hits instead. Braun has a microphone. Braun says he'll kill Roman before Brock can get to him. He shoves Brock. Brock lays down the belt and squares up with Braun. Braun begs off. "Bullshit" from the Orlando faithful.
Charly is backstage with Chris Jericho. She asks him about his feelings on his tag team match with Seth against Joe and Owens. He pops the crowd and makes a face at the producer off-screen. The amigos, tomodachi, mates of Jericho are here. Cheer him on man. He's going to get revenge on the stupid idiot Kevin Owens tonight by tearing off the tip of his finger. Owens only avoided losing last night by the hair on his chinny chin chin, just the tip of his finger. He puts the tip of Kevin Owens' finger on the List. Owens jumps him and Joe runs in as backup. They put him through a table.
Backstage, Seth cuts off Kurt. Kurt reveals that Jericho is out but the match is still on. He promises he'll find Seth a partner. Sounds like Finn to me.
Enzo and Cass vs Sheamus and Cesaro is next. The crowd sings a Sheamus and Cesaro song. Cesaro swings 'Zo and the crowd chants "ten." Cass clears the ring after the swing and gets the mild tag to a lot of boos. He does a bunch of splashes and drops Cesaro with a sidewalk slam. He drops an elbow on Cesaro, big boots him, tags in Enzo, and they go for their move. Sheamus intercepts and throws Enzo into Swiss Death for the win. Sheamus and Cesaro do a dance to the weird Sheamus and Cesaro song.
Jinder out for his match against Sami. They play a lot of stills of Gronk beating him up last night. Jinder jumps Sami during his entrance. Sami recovers and wins with a quick Helluva kick. Can't believe that was the whole segment. He just wrestled Jinder.
Main event time. The new US Champion is out first, Kevin Owens. He's teaming with Joey Samoey. Seth comes out first for the babyfaces. He does a weird little stompy dance on the stage. The lights go out. Inhale. Finn Balor steps out on the stage in his jacket. The real rock n roller has returned. Corey calls Owens the face of America. Finn gets the pinn off the Coup de Grace on Kevin Owens. That was a good Raw. A great one to leave off on as far as this project is concerned I think. Maybe I'll do this with indie shows I actually regularly enjoy.
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