Live from the beautiful city of brother love, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, it's Monday Night Raw. One week 'til Wrestlemania. I assume everyone booked for Mania on the Raw side will be here. Is this the last one of these I ever do? Probably.
Bayley out to open the show. Bayley says she's dreamed of Wrestlemania as a kid. Charlotte comes out and calls her a paper champion. Charlotte is trying to play Bayley and Sasha against each other in a pretty boring promo that the crowd is burying. Sasha comes out. Then Nia Jax does. The end.
A tag team match! The babyfaces versus the heels! Bayley gets the pin on Charlotte after a very long, very boring, very bad match.
Sami enters himself into the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Stephanie runs in on Sami's interview with Charly and tells him that with Mick gone, Sami has to earn his spot the battle royal. She books him in a no DQ match against Owens. If he doesn't beat Kevin, he's fired!
In the purple zone, Neville is on commentary for Austin Aries' match against Noam Dar, who is accompanied by Alicia Fox. Dar gets two off a rollup when Alicia distracts Aries by yelling "I don't like your face!" at him. Aries gets the win off the Last Chancery. I like that move, works better in the WWE than Cattle Mutilation.
Seth Rollins is in the ring for his "hold harmless agreement" contract signing for his match against Triple H. He's on crutches. Triple H comes out to his heel music. Triple H holds the contract over Seth's head, refusing to sign it if Seth doesn't listen to him talk for 20 minutes first. Big "CM Punk" chants again. Triple H deals with them better this week. And he does talk for a heck of a long time. He says it's better to eat well than sleep well. Seth retorts "I liked myself before I met you. I was proud of myself before I met you. And I didn't really mind wrestling for a hot dog and handshake in the Philadelphia National Guard Armory because I love this business." He says this isn't about revenge, it's about redemption. It's about getting back Seth Fricking Rollins. The contract gets signed and Triple H immediately takes out Seth's knee, leaving him squirming on the mat as Hunter takes off his clothes. Triple H picks up the crutch and goes to hit Rollins with it but Rollins pops up with an enziguiri. Rollins tries to Pedigree HHH but HHH chopblocks him. He goes for a pedigree of his own but Rollins dumps him out of the ring. Rollins stands tall with his crutch to end the segment.
They play a Mark Henry "did you know" thing about his weightlifting record.
An "over the top rope challenge" is next. Not a battle royal? It's the Big Show! Oh it's Gauntlet style. Jinder Mahal comes out and Show tosses him out immediately. Bo Dallas is up next. He gets dumped out quickly. Next is Primo and Epico. Show eliminates them when Curtis Axel, R-Truth, and Goldust hit the ring. They, and all the eliminated wrestlers, gang up to get the Big Show out. He rolls back into the ring. He hits his moves on all the guys. But then, BRAAAUNNN. He stomps down to the ring. I stopped paying attention. Whoops. I was trying to find a clip of Undertaker's sex dungeon from 1998.
The Club make fun of Enzo and Cass to Mike backstage.
Backstage, Charly asks Roman if he's scared of the Undertaker. Roman says he's a big boy and he's going to prove it. Charly is wearing overalls.
Mike interviews Sheamus and Cesaro. Gallows and Gun jump them from behind and beat them up with a ladder. I don't want to see Enzo in a ladder match, he's not going to survive it.
Neville out in the purple zone. He's wrestling my favorite cruiserweight Jack Gallagher. Neville locks in the Rings of Saturn for the submission win after a pretty good match. All of Jack's spots are bad but all of Neville's spots are awesome. Aries interrupts Neville's celebration with a fake TMZ thing on the Titantron. He's interviewing the New Day. They endorse him as the new Cruiserweight champion since Neville "got no hips."
Roman out to cacophonous boos. Roman says he's going to kill the Undertaker. This is a heel promo. He says that Philadelphia is his house and his yard and the crowd wants to kill him. Undertaker cuts a promo from a graveyard. He has dug a grave for Roman Reigns. "At Wrestlemania, you will..." Undertaker teleports from the graveyard into the ring. "At Wrestlemania, you will rest in peace." Undertaker looks so fat this year. He teleports away.
Enzo and Cass out. They quote the Allen Iverson practice promo. I love that thing, Enzo and Cass don't do it justice. The Club come out to attack Enzo and Cass but Cesaro and Sheamus cut them off with a ladder. They then take the fight to Enzo and Cass, beating them down with the ladder. Cass turns the tables though, but this allows the Club to recover and they lay everybody out with the ladder.
Charly interviews Kevin Owens. Owens tells her that Jericho is right to say that Owens used to be a Jericho fan and he's also right to make fun of Jericho fans. Because Jericho fans are stupid idiots. He's excited about being able to retire Sami Zayn tonight.
Sami vs Owens is up at 10:40. No DQ! This is a great brawl. Joe tries to interfere but Jericho makes the save. Sami wins with a quick roll up. Owens beats him down after the bell but Jericho makes the save again with an equalizer. "Kevin Owens, you know what happens when you betray Chris Jericho? You just made the list!" Owens screams "NOOOOOOOOO" at the top of his lungs. You can hear him screaming over Jericho's music.
Brock and Paul E. out. Brock is "the extremist" and he's going to kill Goldberg. Goldberg runs out and spears Brock. Brock runs away clutching his stomach. That was. The go-home show. For Wrestlemania 33. Why does anyone watch the WWE? It's bad, everyone knows it's bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment