Welcome to where the big boys play, tonight in Baltimore, Maryland. The national anthem plays while Ptibull Pitman holds the flag proudly. We cut to a group of kids in costume who are clearly not respecting America. Tony and Dream on the stick tonight, lets get started.
In a match were there "must be a winner" we see Fire & Ice and the Steiners square off. Dusty lets us know that these two teams have been "locked in mortal combat." Fitting as we do get a Glacier promo tonight. Ice Train starts the match by doing this, like, weird dance? He's just sort of prancing there before he locks up with Scott Steiner. They do a little over/under spot which looks real awkward given how huge Train is. Ice Train comes up on top of the exchange. Norton runs in and eats a hip toss from Steiner. The match is pretty even until Norton samoan drops Scott Steiner. Steiner tries for a fisherman's suplex on Norton but accidentally dumps him on his head. It looks like Norton was just too heavy for Steiner but it visibly shakes Norton. Norton picks up two off a caught crossbody slam. Scott starts getting the heat. Norton hits his shoulderbreaker, locks in an armbar. Rick tries to make the save, but Norton wont release the hold until he gets stomped out of it. Scott tags out and Rick runs wild. Ice Train looks completely lost in the ring. Ice Train second rope splashes Rick, Scott saves at 2. Fire & Ice try for a doomsday device, Rick counters into a DDT. Steiners hit the Steiner Device on Norton, Ice Train saves the pin. It is confusing, who is legal and who is not. Scott wins with a terrible Frankensteiner. Lots of botches in this match, but they are mostly Rick and Scott Norton's faults.
Cut to Steven Regal having a hard time using a computer. Compuserv users can type "go convention" to talk to superstars through the show! The Benoit/Taskmaster match is Falls Count Anywhere. Sullivan says he proved Pillman was a quitter and was a weak link in the Horsemen. Now he's gonna show Arn that Benoit's not a real Horseman either. Unclear what Sullivan's motivation is, but it can be assumed that he wants to absorb the two remaining Horsemen into the Dungeon of Doom's ranks.
The next matchup will fin US Champion Konnan defending his belt against the "south american superstar and definitely not a power plant jobber in a knockoff Tiger Mask mask" El Gato! El Gato's ring attire includes the aforementioned Tiger Mask mask as well as a pair of ADIDAS shoes. Gato looks really uncomfortable in that mask, so its a good thing his feet are comfortable! Why isn't Konnan wrestling a luchadore? Who knows! The match starts and they exchange some flashy arm drags. Konnan nails El Gato with a shortarm lariat for two. They do an over/under spot, Gato gets the upside, two count on Konnan with a back kick. El Gato locks in a crucifix stretch but Konnan escapes. Gato counters a Rana into a powerbomb for the two count. Gato almost taps to Konnan's legbar. Konna hits a just disgusting lariat but only gets one off it. He then hits El Gato with a stiff-as-heck sunset flip powerbomb to the floor to Konnan chants. Konnan slams El Gato in the ring and bridges into three. A very one-sided match where Konnan looked pissed to even be there. At least it was fun to watch this guy get murdered!
Backstage, Mean Gene asks Sting if Regal looks a little prissy to him. Sting then spends the rest of the promo calling Regal gay. He threatens several times to "straighten" him out. The Glacier promo airs next with a debut date: July, 1996.
Diamond Dallas Page is already in the ring and cuts a promo on, quote, "Carl Ripkin." Marcus Alexander Bagwell runs down, presumably to defend Cal Ripkin's honor. Bagwell works over DDP to loud "Bagwell" chants. Bagwell even hits a plancha on Page to the outside. Page shifts the momentum, backbreaker for two followed by a Diamond Clash, also for two. Bagwell powers up and DDP oversells like an idiot. Diving lariat from Bagwell for two. Bagwell's headscissors sprawls both men. DDP recovers first, Diamond Cutter, three count fall. Self high five. Nothing match.
Mean Gene Okerlund is interviewing Jimmy hart and the Giant backstage. The Giant says that Lex Luger's torture rack will be useless against someone as big as him.
Mike Tenay comes down on commentary for our next international match up. Cruiserweight champ Dean Malenko will be facing the Mexican sensation, the young Rey Mysterio Jr. This match starts out incredible. Ton of fast-paced, nerve-wracking spots ending in stand offs. Unfortunately, Malenko cant hold that pace up for the entire match. The rest of the match is Malenko in boring rest holds, trying the same armbar over and over on Mysterio. Almost as if he's the man of one thousand armbars. Its a good match, but there just aren't enough spots to show how great Mysterio is, although you get to see how amazing he is at selling in this slow paced match. Mysterio finally powers out. Hits a springboard senton plancha to Malenko on the floor followed by a springboard missile dropkick. They trade quick pins and finally get the crowd into this match. Rey picks up a two count with a hurricanrana, followed by another hurricanrana. Malenko counters a third 'rana into a powerbomb and pins Mysterio using the ropes. This match would have been amazing if not for the hours-worth of holds in the middle, as it was it was still really great, if a bit frustrating. Mike Tenay added a lot, letting us know that Eddy Guerrero won the Super J Cup in NJPW recently.
The WCW hotline (1-900-909-9900) has a tip on WWF officials allegedly meeting with WCW regarding a former WCW champion. Okerlund is interviewing Luger. Luger is a really cool promo, he's so much more collected than a Sting, Hogan, or Macho Man. A little more boring but feels more sincere. He says that he will take advantage of all of the Giant's weakness, not just put him in the Torture Rack.
Our next match is a real barnburner. Big Bubba vs John Tenta. Bubba comes down to the ring wielding a pair of scissors to cut the rest of Tenta's hair if he wins. Almost immediately, Tenta smashes Bubba into the steel steps. Bubba whacks Tenta with brass knuckles but wastes too much time posing with the scissors before pinning. Tenta barely kicks out of the lateral press at two, however. Tenta tries to rope hang Bubba, but he shifts his substantial weight into a lateral press for two. Bubba is working the leg of Tenta. Bubba hits him with a huge Belly to Back. Bubba goes high risk, Tenta catches his crossbody into a powerslam for three. Tenta cuts Bubba's beard off to close the match out. Another nothing match, the powerslam looked cool though.
Backstage, Gene is interviewing Mongo, Kevin Green, Debra McMichael, and Terri Greene, Kevin's wife. Kevin won't stop screaming and moving around. They say that they're coming for the Horsemen until Savage runs in and says they're gonna win easily. "The smell of winning's in the air, and a little perfume too."
The Falls Count Anywhere match is next between Chris Benoit and the Taskmaster Kevin Sullivan. Benoit jumps the Taskmaster during his entrance. They brawl around the ring, into the ringside area, up into the stands, into the concourse, and right to the mens room. Sullivan slams Benoit's head into several stall doors. They make a sickening thud. Double stomp on the tile floor from Sullivan. Benoit gets up and slams Sullivan's head into the doors now. They do a swirly tease spot but don't go all the way to the toilet. Sullivan hits Benoit with toilet paper before beginning to brawl back towards the ring. Security is holding fans back like riot police. Sullivan hurls Benoit down a series of steps, twice. They brawl all the way back to ringside. Benoit goes for a table, puts it in the ring. Two irish whips into it and the table won't break. Benoit sets the table up on top of the turnbuckle but ends up on it himself. Sullivan goes for the double stomp through the table but Benoit counters it into a superplex for three. Benoit keeps beating on Taskmaster after the bell. Arn Anderson runs in but who's side is he on? He teases DDTing Benoit but turns his sights and puts the boots to Sullivan. The two Horsemen stomp on him until the entire Dungeon of Doom runs out to make the save. By the time they hit the ring, the Horsemen are gone.
Mean Gene is interviewing Flair, Woman, Liz, and Heenan when Arn and Benoit run in. Arn says they beat the Dungeon because Sullivan was trying to dilute the Four. The Horsemen are now united to destroy the football players. Heenan says Macho Man isn't gonna lay a hand on him, no matter how much wants to. Ric says there's a lot of things Macho can't do anymore, right Liz? WOOO!
Sting takes it to Steven Regal to start their special grudge match. Regal quickly begs off, then uses Sting's mercy to take advantage. Two count off a knee drop. Regal tries to get Sting to shake his hand but Sting does that"goes to shake hand, combs his hair" spot. Regal works Sting over, two off an elbow drop. Regal hits a dropkick for two. Lord Steven Regal. Doing a dropkick. Sting hits a side suplex but it doesn't shift momentum. There are a lot of submission attempts in this match as Regal berates the fans. Regal just cuts off Sting's every move, focusing on Sting's left arm. Sting hulks up but Regal gouges the eyes. Finally Sting powers up, two count off a lariat. Regal throws a super butterfly suplex and locks in the Regal Stretch. Sting breaks out of the hold, hulks up for real, pounds Regal to the ground. Regal counters the Stinger Splash but tapes out to the Scorpion Death Lock!
Michael Buffer is in the ring to announce the co-main event. Michael Buffer won't stop saying "legend." Everything is legendary and everyone is a legend. Ric Flair is the legendary legend of the ring and Mono is the legend of the legendary gridiron and the word legendary has lost all meaning. Bobby Heenan gets his own entrance apart from the Horsemen and their women. Mongo and Kevin Greene come to ringside accompanied by their wives and Pepe, as well as the Macho Man.
Mongo squares off with Arn. AA and Mongo lock up, Mongo takes Anderson off his feet with a shoulder tackle. AA dodges another shoulder tackle but Mongo turns around and does a flying shoulder tackle. Greene jumps the ropes without a tag and stomps a mudhole in Double A. He legally tags in with Flair and Flair puts the boots to him. Shoulder tackles are Kevin's only weapons. Flair tries to abandon the match after some shoulder tackles but Macho drags him back. Mongo tags in, Flair tries to chop him down but Mongo nosells and returns the chops. Mongo puts the Figure Four on Flair. When Anderson tries to break it up, Kevin Greene locks the Figure Four on him. On the outside, the ladies brawl to the back, causing a distraction. The heels use this to turn the tide. The Horsemen are working over Mongo as he teases the hot tag. Both men sprawl after Mongo throws a big lariat but Flair makes the pin before Mongo can get to Kevin. Finally the hot tag is achieved and Greene runs wild. Greene keeps throwing powerslams at Flair. Like a bunch of powerslams. He vertical suplexes Flair but the Horsemen take the match over again. Greene gets a two count from a school boy but Flair uses the opportunity to lock in the Figure Four Leglock. Arn
Anderson and Randy Savage start brawling at ringside. Benoit runs in and the Horsemen murder Savage. Debra comes strolling down the aisle, wearing a pink dress similar to Elizabeth's black one. She's carrying a briefcase. She hands the briefcase to Mongo McMichael, who opens it to find its full of money. Mongo nails Greene with the cast, Flair picks up the pin, and all four Horsemen beat down on Greene and the Macho Man. Mongo puts a horsemen shirt on and throws up the four.
At the top of the ramp, Eric Bischoff calls Razor Ramon and Diesel out. Eric says the war will commence at Bash at the Beach in in three weeks. Razor and Diesel clarify that they do not work for the WWF. They call out Macho Man and Hogan as their opponents in the three man match. "The big mang and the medium-sized mang and our surprise buddy are gonna carve them up." Eric says that he's not gonna announce the team tonight like he promised, but tomorrow on Nitro. "You don't jack us around," says Razor as Diesel Jackknife Powerbombs Eric off the stage and through a table. "The real big boys, they just left the building."
Luger stops during his entrance to check on Eric before the World Heavyweight Championship match gets underway. This match is exactly like any other Giant match. There's the bodyslam spot, the sleeperhold spot, the boot choke spot, etc, etc. Jimmy Hart tries to nail Luger with the megaphone but Sting makes the save. Giant puts Luger in his own Torture Rack and throws him around like a rag doll. Luger tries for the Torture Rack himself but can't quite get the Giant up. Giant chokeslams him for three.
Brother Count: 2, both from Dusty.
American Males Memorial Buff Bagwell Watch: Marcus Alexander Bagwell is spotted in his own match! And he even gets cheers and chants!
Move of the Show: Does Scott Steiner dropping Scott Norton on his head count?
Dusty Rules: "THERE IS A LADY IN THE MENS ROOM," he screams at the top of his lungs upon noticing a fan during the Benoit/Taskmaster match.
The Here Comes A New Challenger Watch: El Gato is not a superstar from South America, nor is he Tiger Mask. He is a Hawaiian guy named Pat Tanaka. Tanaka wrestled for a long time with Paul Diamond as Badd Company in the AWA, managed by Diamond Dallas Page, then as the Orient Express in WWF with Akio Sato. They also wrestled as Badd Company in ECW and as an Orient Express ripoff in WCW. After that, Tanaka sort of disappeared
The War Is On: Tony says that WCW is running shows in the northeast featuring Bruno Sammartino. They're even running Madison Square Garden. Really hitting the WWF right at home.
Broski of the Week: There is an enormous Mongo Sucks sign at the beginning of the tag match. Like seriously enormous. It takes up like a fifth of the screen.
Tomorrow Night on Nitro: Who will be Team WCW at Bash at the Beach?
Bash at the Beach:
??? & ??? & ??? vs Diesel & Razor Ramon & ???
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