The show kicks off with a moment of silence and a ten bell salute to dead troops followed by a video package featuring WWE Superstars cutting a Ronald Reagan promo over top of Ronald Reagan cutting the promo via archive footage. I would rather watch a sentimental look back at Chris Benoit.
Shane opens the show after all that nonsense. Before he can say anything Stephanie comes on out. They announce the live Smackdown business. "Better shows, better opportunities, better matchups, better for everybody." OHHHHHH TITLE TOWN. New Day come out and wow, live Smackdown! They have new emotions in their bodies about live Smackdown. The New Day shows a bunch of news clippings about the brand split. Shane confirms the brand extension. "Unique rosters." Kofi says Shane's shoes are fly. "The New Day is all about that New Era BABY." Kofi claims he's new, but Big E and Xavier say he's actually old. They ask Stephanie where the New Day is going to land, Raw or Smackdown, together or split, but she dodges it! Xavier says nobody wants the New Day to split ever. Big E does a Game of Thrones reference. Stephanie says there's a chance they won't get split up. The New Day then ask who the Smackdown GM is going to be. Who? Who? Who? Shane and Stephanie haven't decided who gets to run Smackdown and who gets to run Raw yet! Big E says Shane and Stephanie need to have a Dance Challenge to settle it. Stephanie declines but Shane jumps in. He dances like a white dad. Stephanie then decides she's going to one up Shane to a fairly big babyface pop but the Vaudevillians interrupt and a match starts! After they wrestle for almost 20 minutes, the Club, Gallows and Gun, run in and lay out the New Day. The Vaudvillians attempt to pick the bones but Gallows and Gun chase them off. They hit Big E with the Magic Killer. Gallows and Gun are DOA 2.0, the Ron and Don Harris for the internet age. Where's Mr. Dot Com Paul Ellering?
Backstage, Renee interviews
Backstage, Apollo Crews is working out. Big Show runs in and Apollo seems scared of him. Big Show calms him down and says he likes him. He doesn't "like him" like him, but he likes him. He explains the storyline behind Sheamus attacking Crews last week. Sheamus is a bully who doesn't want the status quo to change and Crews needs to show Sheamus he won't back down.
Goldust is out next with R-Truth who does a remix to What's Up. It's not good. "I'm R-Truth/They call me R-Trizzle. Him over there?/I call him Goldizzle," They sit on commentary and Truth thinks Byron is Coach. The match is going to be the Usos vs Breezango. A pre-tape promo features Fandango calling Golden Truth "Molten Poop." Truth says he's as scared of elephants as he is of cats. Hay is for horses, not for people, says Truth. Truth should be on commentary, yelling non sequiturs for the entire first hour of Raw every week. The Usos beat Breezango. "Vote for the Golden Truth!" Breezango pick a fight with Golden Truth and they brawl. Golden Truth leave Breezango laying. JBL says "molten poop."
Roman is the 9 o'clock segment. He has a microphone. It is a promo revolving around his new "the guy" catchphrase. It's short and to the point and, aside from the catchphrase, good. He calls Seth out and he acquiesces. Well, at least he stands on the ramp for a little bit. He fakes out like he's gonna run down to the ring and a goony idiot with a "MUTE US MR. DUNN" sign gets pissed. Seth gets a microphone and does the Jericho promo where he acts like he's going to talk but never says anything. He storms down towards the ring but it's another fake out! He fakes Roman and the crowd out over and over. He does the microphone bit again and then leaves! Roman's music plays. Seth runs out but it's another fake out. This is getting tedious.
Lana introduces Rusev. She calls Rusev the "true umerican hero." He's to wrestle Zack Ryder who now has a Tanahashi ring jacket? Like its 100% exactly a Tanahashi jacket except with the ZR logo on the back. Rusev submits him with his new extreme Accolade. Rusev gets on the mic and the crowd chants "Cena." Heck yeah, gimme that Cena. Rusev says he embodies the American spirit better than any of the cheese gobbling cheese-whatevers in the crowd. Titus O'Neil hits the ring with a mic to a very mixed reaction. He says its disrespectful for Rusev to say he's an American on Memorial Day. He calls Rusev a "Bulgarian Blowhard" then cheap shots him with the mic. Rusev escapes.
The Shining Stars talk about Puerto Rico's bioluminescent bays.
They play a very long video package covering the way Charlotte treated Ric last week. That was one of the worst segments in recent history. Earlier today, Stephanie confronts Charlotte backstage over her treatment of Ric. She says she's a spoiled brat. Charlotte tries to say Stephanie is like the ur-spoiled brat in wrestling but Stephanie keeps yelling. She yells so hard the right channel audio cuts out.
It's Enzo and Cass time. Enzo calls the Dudleys the bubblegum boys and cheese doodles. It's hard to keep up with Enzo. Cass says he's gonna serve 'em a sandwich. Enzo asks what kind of cheese. Cass lists a bunch of cheeses and the crowd goes nuts. This rules. Enzo calls Cass The Don Parmigiana and himself Muscles Marinara. The Dudleys are SAWFT. They walk down to the ring and have a match. Enzo and Cass win with the assisted splash. I don't know what its called. Rocket launcher maybe?
Backstage, Sami, Ambrose, and Cesaro are commiserating. Sami says they all need to get on the same page for their six man tag against the Money in the Bank heels. Ambrose says he hates Canadians and you can't trust them. Sami says he's Canadian and Ambrose goes "That explains so much!" and leaves.
CENA'S BACK BABY AT THE 10 O'CLOCK SEGMENT. He somberly says thanks to the troops. He talks about freedom, he says he's back. He wonders if he fits in the New Era. Yes chants. He says he has a target on his back from all the young boys coming up. Cena says he "will not go quietly into the night." He says the future must go through him. AJ's music hits. OMG. Holy cow. Cena's pants have pictures of Ellen Degeneres all over them for some reason. 60/40 "AJ STYLES" to "LET'S GO CENA" and it's sustained. For several minutes they chant. This is a heck of a thing. AJ lets it go for four minutes. He says he's been waiting for this moment for a long time. Cena says so has everyone else. AJ says Cena has a bad rep that he doesn't understand. He puts Cena over as a superhuman. The crowd WHATs him. He says he respects Cena and welcomes him back. He extends his hand. They shake hands when Gun and Gallows' music starts. Gallows calls AJ a suck up. Karl says the Club isn't in the WWE to kiss ass, but to kick ass, AJ's included. AJ and Cena take their shirts off to confront the club but AJ STABS CENA IN THE BACK THAT SON OF A GUN. The three of them maul Cena. The three men pose over Cena's corpse to mostly boos, but a couple "Bullet Club" chants. The Club turns to leave but AJ runs back and keeps beating on Cena. AJ backs up the ramp, screaming that he is the New Era. He runs down twice more to beat on Cena.
Nattie vs Dana Brooke accompanied by Charlotte is this week's women's match. Dana wins with a Samoan driver that Cole calls a Michinoku driver. Charlotte and Dana double team Nattie after the bell but Becky makes the save.
Backstage, Dolph Ziggler talks up his amateur accomplishments and compares himself to Dean Malenko. He says he has 1,005 holds. He lists them like Jericho, saying armbar a lot. Dolph is no Jericho.
Back from commercial, they play a slideshow of Dolph's amateur accomplishments. Dolph puts headgear on before his "technical wrestling" match against Baron Corbin. Dolph immediately kicks Baron in the dick for the DQ. He gets a microphone, calls Corbin a loser, and leaves. There's a good couple seconds of all three men on commentary talking over each other.
Maryse introduces a pretape of the Miz via pretape. The Miz says he's on set for his new movie featuring the Social Outcasts. The Miz looks exactly like if you merged Elliott from Mr. Robot and Tyrell from Mr. Robot into one person.
Backstage, the heels in the six man tag are arguing. Jericho is starting to sour on Owens. They bicker but Jericho unites them by reminding them of how much they hate the babyfaces. He still thinks they're all idiots though.
Ambrose, Cesaro, and Zayn versus Owens, Del Rio, and Jericho is the main event tonight. The crowd is only really into Ambrose out of the six men in the ring. Eventually the heels start to fight among themselves but that results in Zayn doing a wacky dive to cut to commercial. Every second this pointless six man tag goes past 11 o'clock is a second that I'm not playing the new Witcher 3 expansion. The heels keep bickering and that's what's stopping them from putting away the babyfaces and letting me play my video game. Ambrose pins Owens with Dirty Deeds. I am still constantly typing Future Shock DDT and having to backspace it. That's it the end, Ambrose just pins Owens.
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