Things that happened on Payback: Dolph beat Baron Corbin in the exact same way Austin Ariest beat Corbin at Takeover. Kalisto beat Ryback in a great match. Everyone thought Enzo died but he had a concussion and had to go to the hospital. Owens beat Sami. Miz retained his belt after Owens and Sami distracted the ref from Cesaro's submission hold. Dean Ambrose beat Chris Jericho in a match I didn't watch. Charlotte beat Nattie after Lil Naitch screwed her in a masterful bit of 18 year long continuity. And finally, AJ beat Roman twice, with the match getting restarted each time until Roman finally beat AJ in a no disqualification match that featured the Usos and Gallows and Gun running in. Tonight, though, it's Monday Night live from beautiful St. Louis, Missouri!
Stephanie McMahon is out first, announced as "one half of the Power of Monday Night Raw." She's about to say "Welcome to Monday Night Raw!" when Shane interrupts her and does his whole entrance. Stephanie gives Shane a framed picture but its not Scott Hall but of himself with Vince! The same photo Vince stomped on in the lead up to Wrestlemania. Shane and Stephanie prepare to announce their plans for Raw tonight when Owens steps out. "This is lovely," he says. "Yay," he says. Owens demands a rematch for the Intercontinental title. Stephanie and Shane say that Kevin's demand is reasonable. The jobber alarm starts wailing and Cesaro steps out with his great James Bond entrance. He says that he deserves a rematch for the Intercontinental title since Owens cost him the match last night. An Intercontinental #1 Contendership match is next!
Cesaro beats Owens pillar to post in a long as heck, excellent match. The finish comes when Cesaro goes to swing Owens and Miz brains him with the belt. Post-match, all three men brawl, with the heels focusing on Cesaro, until Sami Zayn hits the ring for the save and makes a bee line to Owens. Sami lays out Miz with the exploder in the corner and follows it up with a Helluva Kick to Owens. He turns to Helluva Kick Miz but Maryse pulls him out of harms way. Sami picks up the Intercontinental title belt to "ole" chants.
Backstage, Stephanie tries to be nice to Dean Ambrose but he's not buying. She just keeps being nice though. She books herself as Dean's guest on the Ambrose Asylum. I honestly, legitimately, do not understand the weird fake talk shows the WWE does. I don't get it.
Backstage, the Usos and Roman face off with Gallows, Gun, and Anderson. Styles has his hat on backwards. They challenge each other to a six man tag tonight.
Goldust's music hits and he comes out with Fandango and I'm not gonna watch this. I said I wasn't going to watch this but when I got bored of not watching wrestling and tuned back into Raw, it was still on. Truth is trying to seduce Goldust. Fandango wants Goldust to fandango, Truth wants Goldust to do the hip gyrations. This distracts Goldust long enough for Tyler Breeze to roll Dustin up.
Backstage, the New Day are making their way to the ring. They pass an artist and take his canvas from his easel. The canvas is a sign and it says "New Day Twerk Team #NDTT." Then they pass young boy Tom. He tries to twerk but it is sad. New Day next at the 9 o'clock segment!
OHHHH SAINT LOUIS! The New Day won't make fun of Enzo for getting a concussion. Big E stumbles on saying the WWE Network but he recovers. Xavier got dirty texts from Beyonce when SHE SLID UP IN HIS DMS. But it was a lie, Beyonce did not slide up in his dms! They put a picture of a recovered and released from the hospital Enzo Amore and the crowd chants "how you doin'." They sent Enzo a box of Booty Os but the show must go on! They get interrupted before they can start the New Day rocks chant by the Vaudevillians to mild booing. Simon Gotch looks actually deflated. Like someone let all the air out of him. Dumm Oaf says a real man wouldn't let get knocked out stop him from winning the tournament. He sings that the Vaudevillians are going to be the new champs. Simon Gotch says he made Enzo "the realest guy in the emergency room." The Dudleys come out and call the Vaudevillians "carnies." They explain that the ref had to call the match off so the Vaudevillians didn't win anything. They want the tournament restarted. D-Von calls the Vaudevillians "Downtown Abbeys." Big Cass comes out and calls them Simon and Garfunkle. Cass says Enzo is his family and if you mess with Cass's family, he'll finish what he and Enzo started last night. Cass brings up Buh Buh's stuttering gimmick and says that the Dudleys were knocked out of the tournament and that makes them SAWFT. He storms the ring and attacks the Vaudevillians. The Dudleys use this as an opportunity to jump the New Day. Fade to commercial.
Back from commercial, an eight man tag has organized from the crazy brawl. New Day and Cass vs Simon Gotch, Aiden English, and the Dudleys. I typed out the Vaudevillian's names to prove that I know them. JBL said the word "shooter" while talking about the Vaudevillians which is a word I wouldn't expect anyone on Raw to say ever, let alone while talking about the Vaudevillians. Cass picks up the win with the East River Crossing.
Becky Lynch vs Evil Emma up next. Emma wins with a thumb to the eye of Becky followed by a Michinoku driver.
They air another Colon vignette for Puerto Rico, this time it's about food and I want to eat it all and die.
Ambrose Asylum time, Dean comes out with his hand drawn sign and potted plant. He says there's some hardhitting "investigative journaling" tonight and invites Stephanie down, who obliges. Stephanie lightly mocks his set in a very friendly way. Dean says she's acting out of character and is a "boiling pot of woman rage ready to explode." She says she's just happy to welcome in the New Era. Dean shows her a picture of her getting speared by Roman at Wrestlemania. She says she didn't belong in the ring and Roman taught her a valuable lesson. Dean brings up how the crowd likes Shane more than her. She talks about loyalty and Dean fans the flames of her jealousy of Shane. She graciously says that sometimes things need to change and putting both her and Shane in charge of Raw was a good thing. She then cancels the Ambrose Asylum. I don't get this. She then brings Jericho back out and says it's the Highlight Reel. Ambrose and Jericho brawl on the ramp while one lone dude chants "ECW" for some reason. Jericho gets the upper hand and breaks the potted plant over Ambrose's back. I guess the plant's name was Mitch.
A battle royal for the #1 contendership to the United States title is next. Kalisto on commentary, sounding awkward. A bunch of geeks are in the ring but Titus O'Neil, making his return after touching Vince, Sheamus and Baron Corbin get their own entrances. Viktor out first. Then Sandow, Stardust, Mr. No Days Off Darren Young, Apollo Crews, Baron Corbin, and Ziggler. Commercial break. Kalisto says he got to meet Harley Race and it was the best part of being the US champ. Titus O'Neil eliminated by Sheamus, followed by Axel getting eliminated by Del Rio. Sin Cara eliminates Bo Dallas. Left in the ring are Long Island Iced Z Zack Ryder, Rusev, Sheamus, Del Rio, and Sin Cara. Kalisto is dying on the mic, I wish someone would save him and take the microphone away. Sin Cara gets eliminated. The former League of Nations, who broke up on Smackdown, square off before turning their sights on Zack. The three of them beat Zack up real bad. The League finally turn on each other which allows Zack to hit Del Rio with the Rough Rider, followed by Rusev hit with his spin kick. Rusev ducks a Brogue and hits Sheamus with a Superkick. Del Rio follows up with his own Superkick and eliminates him. Rusev goes to eliminate Del Rio but Del Rio reverses. He ends up getting eliminated by Ryder anyway. The crowd goes nuts. Whoever put this battle royal together deserves a Slammy. Rusev throws Ryder out and is the new number one contender for Kalisto's belt. Lana comes down with her hair down in a weird lingerie suit to celebrate with Rusev.
Charlotte out next with Ric. She's upset that people think there's controversy over the finish last night. There's no conspiracy, the Harts are just quitters. Charlotte calls Lil Naitch down to the ring to explain what happened. Charles Robinson says Nattie verbally submitted. Ric calls him Lil Naitch. I love this. This is a 50+ year old man being called "Lil Naitch" on national tv. He denies all accusations of corruption and is "dismissed" by Charlotte. Nattie hits the ring. Nattie calls out Ric. She says everyone in attendance and around the world knows the truth. She says the Harts are the the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Charlotte tries to cheap shot Nattie but Nattie easily disposes of her. Ric takes off his coat and watch. Nattie slaps him and puts him in the sharpshooter. Charlotte makes the save and drags Ric out of the ring. Nattie takes Ric's Rolex.
Backstage, Stephanie books a rematch at Extreme Rules between Charlotte and Natalya in a submission match with Ric banned from ringside.
The main event six man is up, the Usos and Roman Reigns vs AJ Styles, Karl Anderson, and Luke Gallows. Styles pins one of the Usos. The match was pretty good. Most of these guys are great (it's Gallows who isn't). Gallows and Gun go to execute Roman with a chairshot but Styles objects. Anderson tries to make AJ deliver the killing blow but he hesitates. He instead throws the chair away and Anderson and Gallows instead just keep stomping on Roman. One of the Usos grabs the chair and lays AJ out with it and clears the ring of Gallows and Gun. AJ gets a hold of the chair and lays out the Usos. While his back is turned, Roman recovers and spears AJ. Roman throws AJ out of the ring and beats him up around ringside. He clears off the announce table and powerbombs AJ through it. The End.
No comments:
Post a Comment