Live from the motor city, beautiful Detroit, Michigan, it's Monday Night Raw! There's a battle royal! Apollo Crews gets an entrance somehow but the Miz interrupts it. The Andre the Giant statue from the ARMBAR is at ringside but its not gold now, it looks like its made out of Velveeta. A hatchet man sign in the second row. The match is for the number one contendership to the Miz's Intercontinental title. The statue is at ringside because Baron Corbin demanded it. Bob Backlund is also at ringside. Miz namedrops Morrison as someone who's career was ruined by the WWE Draft. The final five in the battle royal are Baron Corbin, Dolph Ziggler, Alberto Del Rio, Apollo Crews, and Darren Young. Dolph superkicks Del Rio out of the ring but not over the top rope. He rolls back into the ring and no-sells for Corbin for a little bit before letting Corbin whip him into the corner where Apollo Crews dumps him out. Corbin tosses Ziggler out, then Apollo and Corbin eliminate each other like in that Royal Rumble with Cena and Batista. Bob Backlund runs in the ring, picks Darren up, and runs around with him. Bob looks so excited and Darren looks lightly enthused.
Vince is coming tonight. Backstage, Stephanie asks Shane why he's going to show up. Shane says maybe the draft. Maybe Lesnar beating Hunt. Maybe Mr. Robot. Maybe to fire someone! Seth Rollins runs in and says maybe he's here to see him. Stephanie says she's more attractive than Seth. Seth then says he has footage relating to the Roman Reigns controversy that has to be aired. Shane wants the footage to be shown during the Ambrose Asylum. Seth suggests that they show it on the Rollins Report. He deserves a show because he was very close to hosting the Daily Show. Shane and Stephanie agree, Rollins Report it is. They show a slideshow from the UFC pay per view on Saturday of Brock savagely beating up my hero Mark Hunt. I hate you Brock. I guess he's wrestling Randall Keith Orton at Summerslam. Randy will return at Battleground.
Backstage, Zack Ryder grabs Rusev to challenge him. I heard Zack got new music. Sheamus jumps Zack and they have a match and it is next! Go to WWE.com/draft to mock draft.
Sheamus and Zack wrestle! Zack has new music and its so generic. Sheamus doesn't want a real match but Zack is giving him one! Sheamus brogue kicks Zack but Rusev's music starts playing instead of Sheamus'. Rusev makes his way down to beat up Zack but Zack was playing possum! Rusev suplexes him anyway, then superkicks him and puts him in the Accolade. He accepts Zack's challenge.
Breezango time, baby. I love these boys. They're wrestling the Lucha Dragons. Breezango win somehow. John Cena is hosting the ESPYs.
Rollins Report time. He's got Roman footage! I'm sure its not just a bad joke. It's an interview he conducted with Roman. Its a pasted together interview like the Weird Al interviews. Or like, Space Ghost I guess. Roman "admits" that he's a cheater and a bad guy and that Dean Ambrose makes him want to vomit. The "interview" ends and Dean comes down. Ambrose cuts the most fire babyface promo this side of John Cena. Holy cow. Dean says he'll wrestle Seth any time, any place. Seth says next week, then. Michael Cole calls Shane and Stephanie "the powers that be." Is Russo actually back? People have been joking about it but like, is Russo actually back?
Sami is on commentary for Owens' match against Cesaro. Owens however refuses to enter unless Sami is removed from the ringside area. A fleet of referees come down on Stephanie's orders to throw Sami out. Kevin comes out as Sami is being escorted out to antagonize him. Meanwhile, a limousine shows up backstage and out steps the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Renee, in a short skirt and a long jacket, asks Vince what he's here for. He says a breath of that fresh Detroit air to weird applause. He's going to do the GM selection tonight I think? I wasn't paying attention, I was humming Short Skirt, Long Jacket.
Owens is wrestling Cesaro, which would sell out a VFW hall anywhere in North America. I hope the new Smackdown commissioner (Cole clarified following the commercial break that it's the commissionership up for selection) is Eric Bischoff. I hope it's not Mick Foley. Owens wins in a weirdly heatless finish despite how hot the match was after an inverted TKO. Kevin leaves the ring to holler at Cole when Sami dives in from out of frame and starts wailing on Kevin as the crowd chants Sami. Sami sets Kevin up for the Cesaro Swing. JBL says "Aw, come on, put him down Cesaro."
Backstage, Renee asks the Club how they feel about Enzo and Cass. They don't care. AJ asks where Cena is, Renee says he's at ESPYs rehearsal. The Club go into the Allen Iverson practice speech. I love the Allen Iverson speech so much I stopped paying attention to the rest of this promo. Practice. Renee is wearing shorts, not a skirt. I made a mistake when I was humming the Cake song.
The Social Outcasts out so Social Outcast Heath can wrestle Titus O'Neil. The Slater Gator reunion we've been wishing for. Titus wins with his move.
Backstage, Renee interviews the Boss. Sasha is a great promo. She's gonna beat up Dana.
The pretape New Day/Wyatt Family confrontation is next. It's The Final Deletion except actually bad. They do a bunch of slasher movie spots, including Bray almost killing Xavier with a pick, Rowan trying to drown Kofi, Eventually the New Day run away because a bunch of additional unknown Wyatts appear in the woods? I think. I don't know, it was like Rob Zombie's The Final Deletion.
The Club head down to the room to be confronted by Enzo and Cass who do their schtick. Enzo calls them chicken tenders, because they got no bones because they're spineless. Enzo and Cass are great. Cass' justification for defending Cena last week is, the Club are running roughshod over Cena, what's to stop them from doing that to anyone else on the roster. So they brought the fight to the Club. AJ gives them the opportunity to leave before his boys drop them where they stand. Cena's not here tonight, after all. Enzo and Cass refuse to leave. Gallows and Gun vs Enzo and Cass is the match. I have terrible TV speakers and it makes it almost impossible to hear chants but I think there's an AJ Styles/AJ Sucks dueling chant followed by a "We want Cena/No we don't" dueling chant. The match ends in a DQ when AJ throws Cass into the crowd. The Club circle Enzo when Cena's music hits and the crowd explodes. Cena's out to make the save! But he was supposed to be in Los Angeles! He, Enzo, and Cass clear the ring to the adulation of the crowd.
Dana Brooke, accompanied by Charlotte, is out for her match against Sasha Banks. Detroit loves Sasha. Sasha beats Dana after an interminably long match. Charlotte then books a Dana/Sasha rematch for Smackdown.
Time for the Smackdown Commissionership announcement. Shane comes out first. God, I hope it's Eric Bischoff. Stephanie out second. Eric Bischoff would be the only person I wouldn't be mad about if they became the commissioner. Stephanie says "sup" into the microphone like six times for some reason. Vince out third! Vince says he's disappointed in his kids. Vince makes fun of Stephanie's booking and also makes fun of Shane. Vince is surprised his kids haven't killed each other or "slit each others' throat." He wants them to prove that one of them could be the commissioner of Smackdown. Stephanie cites her business achievements and then tears into Shane. She basically calls Shane a millennial. Shane's turn but Stephanie cuts him off. Vince takes her mic away. Shane says he should be the commissioner because he is a vehicle for change. This almost feels like a weird shoot as Shane and Stephanie both suck up to Vince. Vince asks for a drumroll. Shane is the commissioner. I'm pissed. More McMahons. Stephanie is the commissioner of the flagship Monday Night Raw. She does the Daniel Bryan Yes. Vince says its a competition "for real." Vince encourages them to break the law in this shoot competition. They have to pick a general manager on Raw next week. We might still get Eazy E. Vince leaves and Stephanie says she's going to "bury" Smackdown. Shane says "game on." Stephanie says there's only one Game, and she's married to him and slaps Shane. She offers up her jaw for Shane to slap back but he kisses her on the chin. She then trips and almost falls on on her heels as she exits the ring.
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