Welcome to beautiful Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where we are LIVE for the first Monday Night Raw of the new brand extension. Raw has a new ugly logo and a bad theme but they won the draft. Ambrose retained the WWE title and took it to Smackdown at Battleground. All the other finishes were good but obviously there's little storyline momentum. Bayley debuted as Sasha's mystery partner, Sami killed Kevin Owens in classic Shawn Michaels "I Love You" style, From a new announce position at the top of the ramp, the new commentary team is Byron, Cole, and Corey Graves. Let's take it to the ring!
Mick Foley and Stephanie are in the ring and mick invites the entire RAW roster onto the stage. Mark Henry and Neville are wearing RAW shirts with the old logo. Stephanie berates Roman Reigns for eating the pin in the Shield triple threat match last night. She calls him a loser. The WWE Universe demands a Raw champion since Dean is on Smackdown. Mick announces that the first episode of RAW will have a tournament. Two fatal four ways culminating in a singles match, the winner of that match goes against Seth at Summerslam to crown the new champion. Mick announces the new belt's name is the WWE Universal Championship. Yikes. The fatal four ways will include Sami Zayn, Sheamus, Chris Jericho, Cesaro, Roman Reigns (but he's a loser!), Rusev, Kevin Owens, and Finn Balor. Finn is wearing the leather jacket and not the ridiculous demon paint. Also, Charlotte will defend her women's title tonight against Sasha. The first fatal four way starts... right now! After a commercial break.
I guess the fatal four way competitors went backstage after being out there so they can get entrances. Not complaining I guess. The first fatal four way is Cesaro, Rusev, Owens, and Finn Balor. Finn's entrance without the demon is amazing and scales up phenomenally. His tron says Balor Club like his NXT tshirt. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that he and Gallows and Gun are on the same brand. Cesaro gets neutralized (not the move, just taken out of the match) early on and Owens and Rusev take turns hitting Finn with suplexes. They get rid of Finn and start ganging up on a Cesaro who wanders back into the ring but quickly escapes. A Rusev/Owens tag team could be very fun. Balor tries to make a come back but Owens cuts him off with a kryptonite krunch. Rusev tries to take advantage of Owens distraction and the two of them start wrestling until Cesaro makes his way back. Cesaro gets all three of his opponents in the corner and runs an uppercut train on them. He goes to start swinging Owens when Rusev cuts him off but Cesaro hip tosses him (and himself) out of the ring, leaving Balor and Owens alone. After a quick pinning sequence, Owens tries to escape from the ring but ends up getting dove upon by Balor along with Cesaro and Rusev. Balor hits Cesaro with his WWE-friendly Bloody Sunday but only gets two before a commercial break. When we come back, Rusev does a wacky tower of doom spot. I hate tower of doom spots, have I mentioned that before? All four guys exchange their signature strikes in the center of the room. Owens does an inverted TKO that I'm positive has a name but I don't know it. He then flops off the top rope with a frog splash to Balor for two. He drops Balor with the pop up powerbomb but Cesaro breaks up the pin. Cesaro then tries to cover Balor but Balor manages to roll to the ropes. Cesaro drags Owens up, tries to put him in the Neutralizer but Owens reverses. Cesaro gets him with the psycho crusher anyway and then goes for the swing. Rusev breaks that up with a superkick and locks Owens in the Accolade. Cesaro breaks that up by deadlift vertical suplexing Rusev out of the hold. He only gets a two count however and tries to put Rusev in the Sharpshooter. Rusev reverses into the Accolade, Cesaro reverses into a pin, Rusev kicks out and stands up. They exchange strikes and lay each other out. They do a fighting spirit strike exchange after returning to their feet which gives Cesaro the window to put Rusev in the Sharpshooter. Owens and Balor break it up and Balor runs wild. He takes out Owens with the Slingblade and Rusev with the coup de grace. One, two, three, Balor advances in his very first match on Monday Night Raw. Started out slower than you'd want for an opening match but built to a very exciting and satisfying match.
Nia Jax makes her Raw debut next. She's huge. She's facing a jabroni who looks incredibly familiar. She's Britt Baker. She's a Pittsburgh area wrestler, I guess! Nia quickly squashes her with the leg drop.
Backstage, Golden Truth are catching Pokemon and definitely not taking creep shots of Sasha exercising. "Pikachu? You peek at me I'll pikachu!" Oh, Truth. Tom interrupts to asks Sasha a question. Sasha says tonight is about to get lit.
Looks like the second fatal four way is up. Sheamus out first, then Jericho, Sami, and Roman. Weird how there are three heels in this match! Everyone gangs up on Roman. Eventually Sheamus and Jericho go too far and drag Roman out of the ring to beat on him while Sami watches from inside the ring. The heels get sick of pounding on Roman and turn their sights on Sami. I got distracted by a photo of Hideo Kojima and Slimer but when my attention returned to Monday Night Raw, Roman was rolling and they cut to commercial break! Roman single handedly beats up everybody to jeers but the crowd gets into it when Sami hits him with the Blue Thunder Bomb after being missing from the match for like five+ minutes. Roman hurls Sami up in the crucifix position and drops him with Splash Mountain. The crowd chants Roman but he only gets two. Sheamus drops Roman with the Brogue Kick while he's posing and Sami gets Sheamus with the Helluva Kick. A wacky sequence of pins and breaks between Jericho and Sami on Sheamus doesn't garner anyone the win. The crowd chants Ole as Jericho locks in the Walls on Sami Zayn. Sami gets to the ropes and Sheamus takes over, getting rid of Jericho and beating down Sami. Roman comes back and superman punches all three men but they all roll out of the ring before Roman can try to pin anyone. Jericho rolls back in and jumps up for the codebreaker but Roman no sells it and superman punches him. He sets Jericho up for the spear but Jericho blocks it with a boot to the head and a Codebreaker for two. Lotta near falls. Jericho kicks at Roman and screams "stay down" at him. What do Corey's knuckles say. Jericho mocks Reigns and goes for the spear. Roman dodges, bounces off the ropes and spears Jericho for the win. Cole says he's one step closer to redemption. Roman vs Finn is the main event.
AW PITTSBURGH. DON'T YOU DARE BE SOUR. The New Day talk about how the world has changed since they won the belts. Jennifer Garner and Gwen Stefani were married back then! Not to each other but Big E thinks that would be cool. Also Booty Os are a real product you can buy for over $10 per box at FYE. They play a video package with a gross slimy filter on it for some reason. They gloss over the bad gospel singers part of the gimmick. It's a package that got the job done. It came and now it's gone. These three dudes are the best. They're going to select one honorary member of the New Day from the crowd. "But who?? who?? who? who? who??" I hope it's Sting wearing a Sting mask. They find a plant. They do an Abbot and Costello bit with a fan named "Sonny Boy." They ask him for his government name and he says it's Sonny Boy. The crowd chants "Sonny Boy." They celebrate in the ring. But the Club show up and spoil everything for Sonny Boy. Sonny takes off while Gallows and Gun lay the New Day out. They hit E with the Magic Killer and take Kofi's jacket and slam Xavier into the steps. They then go and threaten Sonny Boy after he's returned to his seat. They blow snot into Kofi's jacket and throw it at Sonny Boy and then too sweet each other.
Curtis Axel is out and calling himself Mr. Irrelevent. He then says he's not irrelevant. He was picked last in the draft but you save the best for last right. Neville is out to wrestle him and he has an Austin Aries beard. The match is probably too competitive if they're going to make Neville a centerpiece of the Cruiserweight division. He wins with the Red Arrow after a totally heatless match. Sorry, Neville.
Golden Truth catch a Jigglypuff on Bob Backlund's tie. Bob screams incoherently.
Charlotte cuts a promo with Tom about how Charlotte is a millennial or something.
Women's Title match up next, Sasha vs Charlotte with Dana. They wrestle for a while with Dana interfering. Eventually Sasha frames Dana for cheating and the ref throws her out! Sasha lands right on the crown of her head and looks out of it. She stumbles around and gets to the top rope. Charlotte tries to superplex her but Sasha can't get up and sort of flops over onto the rope and tumbles, head first again, to the outside where she still looks dazed. Charlotte of course follows this up with a suicide moonsault from the top rope to the floor. Charlotte hits her moves and puts Sasha in the figure four but can't bridge into the eight. They struggle and roll into the ropes. The move gets broken, Charlotte goes for a jacknife pin but Sasha reverses and they end with Charlotte locked in the Banks Statement. Charlotte gets to the ropes however. Sasha gets Charlotte with the backstabber and locks in the Banks Statement for the win. Sasha won the strap. I hope she doesn't get stripped of it next week because of the concussion protocol! She landed right on her head and looked like she was in a bad place. Really good match, really scary match, good look topping this Roman and Finn. Postmatch, Byron interviews her in the ring. He does the Super Bowl interview with her. Sasha says that she's bringing in the era of Women's Wrestling to the sound of yes chants.
Braun Strowman is in the next match. He had a haircut and gets new music that isn't creepy swamp man music. He's wrestling some dweeb. Byron interviews the dweeb. The dweeb says he believes he has a chance against Braun. James Ellsworth. Two jobbers on Raw this week. Braun has a padawan braid. Braun wins with a reverse chokeslam. I wouldn't want to take a reverse chokeslam. I wouldn't want to take a regular chokeslam. Or any wrestling move. Leave me alone.
Golden Truth are looking for Pokemon.
Enzo and Cass out. Enzo sings some ODB, no not the TNA Knockout!! "Oh baby, I like it Raw." Cass lists off some things he likes raw and doesn't mention sex. He does mention brown brownies though. The Shining Stars (the Colons) come down to invite all the Pittsburgh fans to move to Puerto Rico. Cass calls them SAWFT and the bell rings. Truth runs in trying to catch a Pokemon but Goldust drags him out. This distracts Primo long enough for Cass to big boot him for the win.
Backstage, Roman and Finn bump into each other. Roman wishes Finn good look. Finn says "I'm Irish, we invited luck." Roman says "I'm Samoan, nuff said."
Main event next, Roman vs Finn for the match against Seth for the title. Commentary is putting Roman over hard, underselling Finn big time. I'm gonna be straight with you here, I'm burnt out from the women's match. Balor pins Roman thought! Clean with the coup de grace! He's going to Summerslam! Today was his birthday! Really good show tonight. Tom interviews Roman at ringside. Roman endorses Finn, says he respects him, and demands a rematch when Finn wins the belt. Top that Shane and Daniel Bryan!
No comments:
Post a Comment