Live from beautiful Providence, Rhode Island, it is the last Monday Night Raw before the brand extension returns! Lesnar pissed hot. I forget if this happened last week or this week but it happened. His loss to Mark Hunt will probably overturned, he will probably get a two year suspension from MMA, and he might end up suspended for a month, depending on whether or not that will affect his ability to wrestle at Summerslam.
Mickey Cole breaks down the Draft Rules for us. Six draft picks will be made off the NXT roster. Stephanie McMahon, the Raw Commissioner comes out but while she is welcoming the crowd to Monday Night Raw, Shane O'Mac's music hits and he dances down the ramp. Stephanie mocks Shane sucking up to the crowd. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of them. No More McMahons in 2017. Shane says Stephanie should have testicles so he can beat her up. Stephanie says she has large ovaries and Shane sucks. Stephanie announces a cruiserweight division exclusive to Raw. Monday Nitro returns. Stephanie then invites the new GM of Raw out. It's Mick Foley. If I had a list of people I absolutely didn't want as GM, Foley is number one with a bullet. He had his run as commissioner and it was good. Mick patronizing Stephanie is going to be terrible. Mick gets his cheap pop in and says that Smackdown vs Raw is going to be like the Monday night wars. Mick takes credit for killing WCW. He's going to take Raw to the future and beyond. Shane likes the idea of Mick being GM because he can stop Stephanie from "burying" the product. Shane says he needs an underdog to beat Foley and Raw. It's Daniel Bryan. Bryan comes down to a ridiculous ovation and refuses to shake Stephanie's hand to an even bigger ovation. He can't get through full sentences without either the crowd or Stephanie interrupting him. He says that if the fans want to beat the Authority, they have to tune into Smackdown. Stephanie says Bryan is a loser and that Shane is sweating a lot. Can Smackdown become the mothership, asks Shane. YES, responds Daniel Bryan and the ten thousand screaming Bryaniacs in the Providence Silverdome.
Jericho and Owens vs Sami Zayn and Cesaro is the match to start off the night tonight. I feel like I've seen this match three hundred times in the last couple months. Not really complaining, though. Zayn rolls up Jericho after a really long match when Cesaro swings Jericho into Owens.
Backstage, Truth is trying to talk Bryan into hitting the dab. Hitting the dab would put him in touch with his people. Bryan blows him off. Titus and Swagger see Bryan. Titus tries to grab Bryan's arm, but Swagger slaps him away. Bryan bumps into Stephanie. Bryan says he's like the Ghostbusters, he's back baby. Stephanie says Bryan is more like "the little doll from the Chuckie movies." Bryan says she ruined Monday Night Raw. The official theme for Battleground is a Skillet song.
It's Alberto, baby. He's going to be wrestling Darren Young. Bob is here tonight to accompany Darren. The Miz has Backlund's book. It sounds like the crowd is chanting "We want rabies." Darren decks Del Rio but the Miz hops on the apron and decks Darren! The referee tries to get rid of the Miz when Del Rio rolls up Darren and gets like an eight second visual pin over him but Darren reverses the roll up into a jacknife pin for the fluke win. Your number one contender. Backstage, Bryan is seen talking to Big Show.
Cena, Enzo and Cass show up and Enzo does his bit to rip on the Club. Cena says he's just spitting out punchlines and making no sense. Cass starts listing trios that they're better than. He says Wu Tang Clan and John cuts him off. There's like 20 guys in the Wu Tang Clan. It don't matter, cause the Club is SAWFT. AJ's music cuts them off as the Club comes out. Enzo, Cass and Cena don't have chemistry, but the Club does and so does Karl and his hot Asian wife. AJ calls E&C&C scabs. Then Karl says "hashtag squad goals." It was going so good until he said hashtag squad goals. They say not only do they get to beat up E&C&C they also get to beat up Big E, and Kofi, and Xavier Woods. OHHHHH PROVIDENCE. The New Day come out booty-first. Woods is growing a goatee and it looks bad. AJ makes fun of the New Day for getting scared of the Wyatts. Xavier says any normal man would be scared of the Wyatts but the New Day are not normal. Xavier is a level 21 Pokemon Go trainer on Team Valor. They start listing Pokemon while Enzo goes "how you doin." Xavier says he's gonna do 150 of em but Cena cuts them off.before they can list more than 20. The Wyatt Family interrupts. They wrestle! Enzo, Cass, Cena, Xavier, Kofi, E vs AJ, Gallows, Gun, Bray, Braun, the Vintner. They do some comedy spots, especially whenever Enzo is in the ring because he's very small compared to five out of the six heels. AJ picks up the win after another very long match after hitting Enzo with the clash.
A pretape plays of Seth Rollins in the empty arena before the show. He cuts a fairly long monologue, not going to call it a promo, about how he built the Shield and he's going to beat Dean Ambrose and all that.
Backstage, Breezango try to get Mick to gyrate but his hips don't work anymore. Shane shows up and scares them off like cockroaches when you turn on the light.
Baron Corbin beat up Kalisto. I'm not sure what the context was, I was trying to find a list of wrestlers who have killed more than one person.
Sasha up for the ten o'clock segment. She will be tagging with Becky Lynch against Charlotte and Dana. Sasha needs a secret partner for Sunday but Becky will be busy with her match against Natalya. Big Momma Pump in the house tonight. The match quickly breaks down when Nattie gets involved and draws the DQ. While Becky has her hands full, Dana and Charlotte beat up on Sasha. Then they just leave. At 10:06. That's a weird segment.
A Dean Ambrose pretape with a terrible framerate plays. It has given me a headache. Thank you, Kevin Dunn. He's going to retain tonight and Sunday. Did You Know Xavier Woods has a master's degree?
Lana is out wearing a two-piece camo suit. Rusev and Sheamus will wrestle Dolph Ziggler and Zack Ryder. Zack's new music is bad. The crowd is dead silent for this match except for one guy in the front row VIP section screaming "STAY HYPE" at Zack. It has to be either Mojo himself or Rob Gronkowski. They're in Rhode Island, it could be Gronk. You could hear a pin drop. Sheamus is trying his hardest but wow. Rusev makes Dolph submit with the Accolade after a painful amount of time. Feel bad for these four dudes.
A Randy Orton hype vignette plays. He will be at Battleground to talk to Jericho on his weird fake show-within-a-show. Main event next, at 10:23. A really weirdly paced show tonight.
The Ascension try to court Mick by telling him the amenities in the Wasteland, like Pitch N Putt. Bryan runs in and sends the Ascension away. Bryan wants to have a healthy relationship with Mick. Bryan thinks the ratings will be better on Smackdown but Mick thinks Raw will have better social media exposure. Bryan and Mick backhandedly insult each other. Mick and Bryan say they're going to fight now. "Let the games begin!"
Main event time, Ambrose making his entrance first with the belt at 10;33. Stephanie and Mick and Shane and Bryan are at ringside. The match is a pretty wacky spotfest with a totally dead crowd. Dean kicks out of a pedigree while like fifteen people in the crowd chant "holy shit." A double pin happened and both men think they win but the referee is too dazed to make it official. Stephanie gets the microphone and the belt and announces Seth as the winner and new champ. Controvery Creates Cash, y'all. The show ends. Woof.
See you tomorrow for the draft, I guess.
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