A food fight instigated by the Vaudevillians, the Miz, and Maryse happened. While everyone foodfights, Cesaro and Crews arm wrestle. Eventually Kane and Show put Heath Slater through a table and everyone parts as friends, albeit covered in food. I hate this show. Kevin Owens hid under a table and emerges once everyone is gone. He grabs a hot dog and says "This never would have happened on Canada Day!" Then a ghost pies him. Live from beautiful Columbus, Ohio on the most annoying holiday to be a wrestling fan, it is the worst show on television including Game of Thrones. This show is going to be insufferable tonight.
Lillian Garcia sings the National Anthem. She's okay at it. Better than Jamie Foxx. Rusev immediately comes out to capitalize on that heat. Titus O'Neil will be facing him and he's dressed like Uncle Sam. Titus taps out to the Accolade and lets down his kids and America. Rusev gets on the mic and makes fun of America's "li'l weenies."
The Social Outcasts are dressed like Minutemen. Enzo and Cass interrupt their entrance and they do their spiel. Enzo's got the star spangled banter. Enzo recites all the presidents (stealing Darren Young's gimmick!) and says they'd be embarrassed by the Social Outcasts. How you doin'. Cole says that Enzo mentioning Millard Fillmore is the first time he's ever been mentioned on Raw and I'm incredibly mad Cole forgot about Bob Backlund's presidents bit. A match occurs, Bo and the Axeman against Enzo and Cass. Heath is on the outside playing a recorder like it was Franchesca II. Enzo and Cass beat the Outcasts with the Boomshakalaka (I wince while typing) in a very short match.
Backstage, Dana and Charlotte are stomping their way to the ring and Dana shoves a guy.
Charlotte and Dana are in the ring when we come back from commercial and Charlotte cuts a "you people" promo on Sasha. She says Sasha is jealous but all hype. Sasha comes down in a nice outfit and says he's going to break Charlotte off some truth. Without Ric, Sasha would have won! That's some truth. Charlotte says that having the belt makes her the boss, not Sasha! Sasha does a fire-y little thing where she calls Charlotte phony that leads to her knocking Dana out of the ring. Charlotte takes advantage of the distraction and knocks Sasha down with a big boot. Sasha manages to recover and put Charlotte in the Banks Statement until Dana drags her out of the ring. The timing on their brawl isn't great and there is some "waiting around" done.
The Miz out next, dressed for wrestling, but I'm going to go look at fireworks. It's champion vs champion so I guess he's going to wrestle Dean Ambrose. The fireworks were okay.
Dolph Ziggler vs Seth Rollins with Dean Ambrose on commentary is next. There are "this is awesome" chants but given how difficult it is for me to stay awake during this lifeless match, I think the chants are lying. Seth wins. He get on top of the English announce table and calls Dolph a disappointment and Dean a thief. Dean stands on top of the Spanish announce table. "You can have this belt right now." Dean throws the belt at Seth and uses the distraction to start brawling with him!
The Wyatts interrupt Cole running down the rest of the card for a pretape promo from a barn. They make fun of the New Day and the Power of Positivity. Bray says the PoP is a placebo. He invites the New Day to his compound.
A Baron Corbin vignette plays hyping up his victory in the ARMBAR.
Vickie Guerrero shows up to throw her hat in the ring for the Smackdown general management spot. Vickie owns. Security shows up and drags her away while JBL gets on the mic and says "Ladies and gentlemen, Vickie Guerrero." The crowd chants "JBL."
Backstage, Big Show is giving a pep talk to Team America. Swagger, Mizark, the Dudleys, Kane, Zack and Apollo. They will be wrestling in a sixteen man elimination match against "the multinational alliance."
Elsewhere backstage, security is still escorting Vickie out of the building. They bump into Dolph and she begs Dolph to tell them that she's a former employee and not a dangerous crazy person. Dolph says he's "never seen this woman before." Dolph is bad.
Breezango are at ringside for the Golden Truth. They have lyrics on the screen with a bouncing goldust head. The lyrics are the best thing imaginable. "I'm R-Truth, they call me R-Trizzle. He's Goldust, I call him Goldizzle." The Golden Truth will be wrestling the Vaudevillians, who started the food fight earlier. They win. JBL says "They were terrible before but now they're winning! Regularly!"
Darren has some problems. Bob Backlund asks what his finisher is. Darren says the Gut Check. Bob asks him what his submission finisher is. Darren doesn't have one. Bob gives him the Crossface Chickenwing but clarifies that the Crossface Chickenwing belongs to everyone who fights for what they believe in. I love Bob.
Please welcome John Cena. John says the crowd sucks and is too quiet and he tries to amp them up. John they just watched a Golden Truth match, go easy on them. Cena says he has to worry about the Club any time he steps in the ring. He then shows a clip from last week where Cena runs in on AJ's match with Dean Ambrose. What. Cena says he's tired of looking over his shoulder. "You want some, come get some." The Club come out and stand on the ramp. AJ wonders why Cena didn't cut a patriotic promo. AJ complains that Cena got top billing over him at the Tokyo house show last week. AJ asks why nobody came out to save Cena when the Club beat him down last week. It's because Cena is untouchable in the back, according to AJ. But the Club is very relatable. AJ asks the Club what their holiday plans are. Luke Gallows says for Halloween he's going to dress up like Bushwhacker Luke(ski), lick AJ, and beat up John Cena. AJ says he's going to dress up like Brother Bruti, cut and strut, and beat up John Cena. Karl says on Christmas he's going to open presents with his hot Asian wife and beat up John Cena. July 4th is a holiday as well so they rush the ring and begin to beat up John Cena to prove their point that the locker room won't help him. After a stomping for a couple seconds, Enzo and Cass' music plays and they run down to the ring and clear the Club out. The Club retreat up the ramp.
An incredibly bad Shining Stars Colons green screen vignette plays. It is really bad. I thought they dropped this.
Becky Lynch vs Summer Rae is the next match. Becky does a lot of screaming. Are they moving her gimmick from steampunk towards banshee???? Becky wins with the Disarmer.
Team Multinational Alliance bicker. It's Jericho, Sami Zayn, Cesaro, Sheamus, Del Rio, Kevin Owens, and the Lucha Dragons who are both American. Owens wants to beat up some stupid idiot Americans. All the heels storm out. Jericho tells the babyfaces they better watch "it."
Enzo and Cass sell some Sonic. It is D-E-Licious.
AAAAAAMERICA. It's a New Day, yes it is! They make fun of the Wyatts. Big E says they all have sex with each other and also trade wives who are also their sisters??? What. Big E. Kofi and E say they're going to go to the compound and give them some Booty-Os. Woods is conspicuously silent. Erick Rowan and Brawn Strowman and Bray Wyatt interrupt them on the titantron. It is light outside the barn on the Wyatts compound. I guess its in California? Is it still sunny at 7:30 in California? Bray insinuates that he's Satan again. He says that he'll be waiting for the New Day. Woods looks perturbed. Kofi formally accepts the invitation. He says they're going to spray positivity all over the Wyatt compound. FROM THE WINDOWWWWWS, TO THE WALLS! Xavier cuts them off before E can say "sweat" or "balls." He's shook about having to face the Wyatts. He says that its been fun and games but the Wyatts are serious and if the New Day don't take them serious, they're not going to survive. Woods walks out, frown on his face while Kofi and Big E look on in silence.
Cesaro comes out to the Swiss national anthem, then the Lucha Dragons and Del Rio come out to the Mexican national anthem, followed by Sheamus with the Irish national anthem, and the Canadians rounding out the crew, Jericho, Zayn, and Owens, coming out to Oh Canada. All the Americans come out at once to the Monty Python theme. It's an elimination match. Don't forget that. Bubba eliminates Sin Cara and then Kalisto eliminates Bubba! Cesaro taps D-Von out. The match then breaks down and we cut to commercial. This is brutal. It's only 10:52. Mark eliminates Kalisto after the break and then Owens immediately popup powerbombs and eliminates Mark. Sami gets in the ring and starts to beat on Kevin. Kevin gets disqualified when he hits Sami with a chair. He then menaces Kane with the chair but Kane takes the chair away and hits him with it. This means Kane has been eliminated. This is garbage. Kane then chokeslams Sami anyway before leaving. Crews hits the standing moonsault to eliminate Sami. Sheamus brogue kicks Crews and eliminates him. Crews did one move in this match. The foreign heels won't tag Cesaro in. He forceably tags himself in. This makes all the foreign heels jump him but he uppercuts them all to death. Ryder gets a flash rollup elimination on Cesaro and the crowd is pissed! A guy on the hardcam starts doing suck it motions. Show punches Jericho out and eliminates him. Big Show and Ryder vs Del Rio and Sheamus. Show then chokeslams Del Rio and eliminates him. The babyfaces eliminate the heels in this colossal waste of time. And the show just ends.
No comments:
Post a Comment