Live from the Staples Center in the city of angels, the beautiful Los Angeles, California, it's Monday Night Raw. Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson are in the house! I wonder how many people from the LA comedy scene are at the show tonight.
The show opens with Roman Reigns. Roman says he's the first Anoai to win the US title. Lana almost immediately interrupts him, sans Rusev. The crowd chants "thank you Lana." Lana calls him boy. Is it racist to call pacific islanders boy? Roman makes a joke about Rusev's "Bulgarian balls" and Lana tells Roman to go to hell! The next Raw PPV is Hell in a Cell. Rusev makes his entrance then. He beats down Roman and tosses him into the crowd. Rusev takes Roman's belt and poses with it on the stage. While Rusev is posing, Reigns runs onto the stage from the crowd and superman punches Rusev into oblivion. Roman gets on the stick and says that Rusev gets his rematch, inside hell in a cell. Roman vs Bray inside the cell last year was so cool, I hope this match lives up.
TJP versus The Brian Kendrick is the first match tonight. Kendrick makes TJ tap to the Captain's Hook which appears to just be a regular headlock but I guess the match was non-title.
Michael Cole interviews Seth in a pretape. His ribs are too bad. He's in LA despite the doctors advising him to not go to Raw. Seth says Owens never beat him, he was gifted the title by Triple H. Seth says he's going to cancel the Kevin Owens Show.
BRAAAUUUUNNN. His opponent is Chase Silver who says he moved from Idaho to Hollywood where dreams can come true. His dream is to beat Braun Stroman up. It was a pretty good promo. The guy looks like a low-rent Adam Cole. Braun seems bored of dealing with guys like Silver. He hits him with a big boot and Silver leaps across the entire ring. Stroman pins Silver with the powerslam deal. Braun gets on the mic after the match and says that Foley is wasting Braun's time. Braun demands real competition or he will prevent next week from happening. Not next week's Raw, next week itself.
Backstage, Sasha and Bayley are hanging out. The main event tonight is Sasha vs Charlotte. Sasha namedrops Forbes' terrible wrestling coverage. Bayley wishes Sasha luck and says she deserves the match. Sasha is a much better promo backstage than in the ring.
Owens, accompanied by Jericho and the List, head down to the ring for the 9pm segment. Big babyface reaction for these boys after the initial boos for Owens' music calms down. Kevin offers Seth a rematch as long as Chris Jericho can be the guest referee. Jericho counters Kevin by saying they should challenge the New Day for the tag titles. Team Kevin and Chris. The crowd chants 'yes' and Chris screams SHUT UP at them. Kevin says Cesaro and Sheamus have a title match coming up so they'd have to wait multiple months for their title shot. Jericho says Cesaro and Sheamus aren't best friends, though. It's not like he's asking for a shot at Owens' title. Kevin finally acquiesces and says they're gonna take the New Day's belts. AAWWWWWWW LA, it's a new day yes it is! The New Day say they have the best friendship in the WWE. Jericho puts Kofi on the list. The New Day say they need a championship huddle but Chris isn't invited. Chris puts Big E on the list. Woods starts laughing so Chris puts him on the list! They start huddling but Kevin interrupts and tells them to leave if they're not going to give Team Kevin and Chris a shot. "you've jeopardized the health of children across the country by feeding them questionable cereal!" Kevin then says they also jumped the shark. Woods says they didn't jump the shark because they don't swim and Kevin can't talk because it's not like he could jump over anything. Kevin makes Chris put Woods on the list twice. Woods grants the match but not right now since clearly Kevin and Chris aren't dressed to wrestle in their suits. I hope Ashton Kutcher runs in on that match and gyrates, costing Team Kevin and Chris their match.
Earlier tonight, Cesaro and Sheamus arrived and they're mad at each other.
Sami Zayn wrestles Titus O'Neil. Sami wins after a complete nothing match. Woof.
Backstage, Cesaro and Sheamus are still arguing. Mick Foley shows up to stop them from arguing.
Next up is Golden Truth against Gallows and Gun who get the ol' jobber entrance. They play a pretaped promo from the two bald guys and the whole "you can't look at the interviewer or the camera" thing is incredibly off-putting. Anderson and Gallows win with the magic killer. They magic killer the other guy and back up the ramp, too sweeting.
Backstage, Jericho and Owens are in their ring gear when Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson run in on them. Jericho threatens to put them on the list. "Ink it in, mannnn." Danny steals the List and "reads" from it to insult Jericho. Ashton says he and Danny are real friends they're basically brothers and Jericho says he and Owens might as well be conjoined twins. Owens storms off but the segment keeps going. Jericho threatens them if they show up during his match, they'll get........................ IT.
Enzo and Cass up next with a bunch of cancer ladies. It's October, everybody! Time for our favorite scam artists, the WWE, to push another bunch of scam artists in the Susan G Koman Foundation. The cancer ladies won a contest to be on Raw I guess. They won their fight against breast cancer and they won the contest! Enzo and Cass give them belts. Enzo tries to do the big unveiling but the belts get all tangled up in the tarp and it's a mess. They have to hold the belts over their shoulders instead of putting them around their waists like real belts. I hate the WWE. The ladies definitely are NOT, Cass repeats, NOT sawft
The 10pm match is Woods and Big E vs Team Kevin and Chris non-title with Ashton and Danny on commentary. Owens jumps over Woods a bunch to prove that he is capable of jumping. After a ridiculously long stretch of basically nothing happening, Seth's music hits and he stands on the stage. This distracts Owens and sets up the finish. Jericho puts Woods in the liontamer, Seth runs down to the apron, E tags in and Jericho gets pinned with the Midnight Hour. Owens retreats up the ramp from Seth before Jericho even gets back to his feet. This lets Rollins pedigree Jericho while Owens watches like an idiot.
Tom interviews Charlotte and Dana. Charlotte says she's "genetically superior" to noted black wrestler Sasha Banks. I really don't like the genetically superior stuff! Then they play a hype package for Rich Swann.
I was AFK for a couple minutes after this but I saw Stephanie and I'm glad I missed it.
Next up, in the cruiserweight division, is Rich Swann vs Tony Nese. They do a picture-in-picture promo with Tony Nese. Tony is tedious. Tony calls Rich "a second-rate Amber Rose" which is a very weird thing to say. Tony wins with a pumphandle driver which is a huge bummer.
A weird slideshow of pictures of Evil Emma plays. Emmalina is what they're calling her now. What the heck.
Sheamus and Cesaro up next. Sheamus gets his own solo entrance until the jabroni alarm sounds and Cesaro enters to upstage him. Raul White and Mark Carrady are the two job guys they're wrestling. Cesaro and Sheamus win with a brogue kick.
Sasha Banks/Charlotte video package recapping their careers from NXT to present day airs. After, Charlotte and Dana bully Bayley until Bayley gets sick of it and attacks Dana.
Sasha makes her entrance for the main event and her title shot. Cole informs us that Dana was injured by Bayley and won't be at ringside. Charlotte enters and history begins! First women's main event since 2004. That match is pretty cool but I don't think it quite lived up to their NXT stuff. The crowd ate it up however and Sasha won the women's title with the Banks Statement in what was definitely a Raw main event match.
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