In memory of Mr. Fuji and live from beautiful Houston, Texas, it's Monday Night Raw. The Fatal Four Way for the WWE Universal Nightmare Strap tonight is now an elimination match so there's exactly zero reason for it to be a fatal four way and not a straight tournament. Finn Balor will be out until at least next year. Was Bo Dallas a Raw guy? He got ejected from an airport for being too drunk and singing songs from the Lion King. It's all about hashtag Universal Championship because we're live, baby!
Corey Graves in the ring with Roman Reigns (big boos), Big Cass (mild cheers), Kevin Owens (huge cheers), and Seth Rollins (mild boos). Seth is rolling with the "dangerous wrestler" thing after injuring Finn. He says he's the favorite and the crowd makes a vomiting noise. He turns the floor over to Kevin Owens before his time to speak is up. Kevin buries Corey Graves' WWE Network show and facetiously puts over the other guys as "great competitors." Giant "fight Owens fight" chant. Kevin asks if this is supposed to be group therapy or if he's supposed to be serious. Seth takes credit for injuring Sami again, I guess he's out huh. I've been out of the news loop this week. Kevin says he's "as high as it gets." Kevin then picks apart the flaws of everyone else in the ring. When he focuses on Cass, the crowd cuts him off with a "how you doin'" chant. Kevin says Cass is just a doll that talks when Enzo pulls the string. Cass asks Kevin if Jericho wrote that quip like Jericho writes the rest of his stuff. Seth says Enzo bet against Cass. Cass says he's no underdog, he's the biggest dog. Cass reference's Seth's dick pic and says "size does matter." Seth tries to cut Cass off but the crowd won't let him, with another "how you doin'" chant. "Only a few things in life are certain: death, taxes, and Seth Rollins beats Roman Reigns every single time." Now it's Roman's turn to talk as Corey asks him if he has "any comment in regards to tonight's match." Roman stands up, turns to speak, and then decks Kevin Owens. Cass and Roman dispatch Seth as well and then square off before Rollins interrupts. Roman then gets rid of both Cass and Seth single handed and his music plays as Owens retreats up the ramp.
It's Neville. He will be wrestling Chris Jericho. Backstage, Jericho calls Tom Felipe again. He says everyone knew Owens was going to beat Neville last week just like they know he's going to win tonight. He calls Neville "muscle-bound Mighty Mouse." He sings the Mighty Mouse song and then says Neville's going to get not "it" but the gift of Jericho. Drink it in, maaaaaan. I love this Jericho. Neville taps out to the Liontamer in a pretty cool junior heavyweight match. Jericho is extremely red.
Backstage, Bayley hugs a random dude backstage. She bumps into the New Day and they do the "HEEEYYYYYY WE WANT SOME BAYLEY" deal. Then they gyrate. Dana runs in and she looks enormous compared to Bayley and the New Day. She is as tall and as wide as Xavier. Dana says Bayley doesn't belong and neither does the New Day. She's been talking to Gallows and Gun and the New Day says to bring it on. Then everyone starts screaming.
Nia Jax squash time. Kiyah is the woman she will be killing I think. In a pretape, she says everything is bigger in Texas including her heart. Maybe it's Aiyah? They didn't put a nameplate up. Ion? Nia does her thing. Byron says Nia gives him "the heebie-jeebies." I think it is Ion. Maybe with an A like the game.
A vignette with Gallows and Gun. They run a retirement home now that they're not doctors. The retirement home's name's acronym is "OLD FART." They say they're going to retire the New Day with the help of nurse Dana Brooke. This is worse than the ball pun doctor ones, and those were already bad.
I guess Sami wasn't actually injured because he's wrestling Jinder tonight. Sami wins via Helluva Kick after an entirely heatless match.
Clip from the preshow of Sasha saying Charlotte intentionally injured her at Summerslam. New Day and Bayley vs Gallows, Gun, and Dana. Dana needs something that starts with G to fit in here. Bayley puts on a unicorn horn during her entrance. They run through all of New Day's spots in the match. Bayley wins with a Bayley to Belly after Dana Brooke starts doing an O'Connor roll to Bayley but stops in the middle to switch to a schoolgirl that only gets her a two count. Maybe if she stuck with the roll it would have been better.
Backstage, Tom interviews the sharp dressed man Cesaro. Cesaro says any day in the WWE is a pretty good day and a day he gets to wrestle Sheamus is a great day. Nobody likes Sheamus. Tonight he's going to throw Sheamus' weight around, and around, and around, and around. Very Claudio promo.
Congratulations to Fifth Harmony for winning two VMAs, best collab and song of the summer.
A hype video for Big Cass plays.
Sheamus vs Cesaro is the next match. Saxton tries to interview Sheamus. Sheamus takes the microphone away and calls Cesaro "swiss miss." The crowd WHATs him and he says "they're deaf." Seven matches will prove Sheamus is the better man, per Sheamus. Cesaro taps to the cloverleaf, 2-0 Sheamus.
In memoriam video for Mr. Fuji. They play clips from Fuji Vice and other skits with Muraco.
A hype video for Owens like the Big Cass one plays.
Byron is in the ring with a luchador in an American flag mask. Before the luchador can say anything, BRAAUUUUUUNNNN. Americo is the guy's name. That's a bad name. Braun throws him around like he's nothing. Braun wins with a one man Shaker Heights Spike. Braun then demasks Americo. Or is it Americano? They should put nameplates up.
It's 10pm, Stephanie has called out Paul Heyman and waits for him in the ring. I think this promo was supposed to open the show because she says "welcome to Monday Night Raw." Stephanie says she didn't tell Lesnar to attack Shane, quite the opposite because nobody messes with family! Paul interrupts her and walks down the ramp. Stephanie demands he get in the ring and apologize. Paul calls her "madam McMahon" but she doesn't want to be called madam! The crowd chants ECW and Stephanie mocks them so they chant CM Punk instead. What a world. Paul says Brock "won" Summerslam for Raw but he gets why Stephanie is mad, Brock crossed a line when he put his hands on Shane and hit him with an F5. Paul says he's here tonight to pay Brock's fine of $500. He pulls out three stacks of singles and starts counting out 500 of them. Stephanie slaps the stack of money out of his hand. They changed this program at some point, huh? Stephanie threatens to fire Paul for patronizing her. Paul cuts a good promo for the first time in a while about how they, the WWE, need him (and Brock) but I hate Stephanie so much. She cuts Paul off when he mentions women's rights and he starts grovelling. She accepts his apology and Paul makes the worst face. He looks like he's trying to turn his entire head into his own butt. That's the end of the segment.
Roman package similar to the Cass and Owens one.
Titus O'Neil is out to break my heart more. They actually play a recap of that horrendous trainwreck segment last week. Titus squares off against Darren. Titus throws Darren out of the ring and directly onto a photographer whos camera explodes. Darren beats Titus and he and Bob celebrate in the ring. Titus then superkicks Bob and lays Darren out with the Clash of the Titus again.
Backstage, Mick says he should have had Stephanie's back. Mick suggests they should ban all "friends and tag team partners from ringside." No friends allowed. Seth runs in and thanks Stephanie for having faith in him and promises he'll get the belt. Steph and Seth hug. Stephanie's character is so inconsistent I can't stand it.
Stephanie and Mick at ringside for the title match. Roman out first, followed by Owens, Cass, and Rollins. Enzo comes out with Cass and does his thing before being banned from ringside. Owens pins Cass as a matter of course. The match is pretty fun but it feels like it's mostly Seth teasing moves and then Roman reverses for a near fall over and over. Roman finally lays everyone out on the floor but before he can roll someone into the ring, Triple H jumps the barricade and pedigrees Roman on the floor. He tosses Roman and Seth into the ring and Roman is eliminated. Seth vs Owens but both of them are dead. Triple H goes to the other side of the ring to pick up Owens and roll him into the ring. Triple H sets Kevin up for the Pedigree but he turns, kick, underhook, Pedigree to Rollins. Owens makes the cover and is the new Universal Champion with a hand from the Game. Triple H gives Owens the belt and shakes his hand. Owens is in shock, jaw hanging open. Triple H raises his hand. They hug. Cole says this is the most shocking moment in Monday Night Raw history. I think that's selling it a little hard but hey. Mick stares down Triple H as Triple H leaves through the crowd. My boy Kevin's done it, y'all. Raw goes off the air as the crowd chants "you deserve it." That's also selling it a bit hard, I mean he literally doesn't Roman had him beat but hey. Welcome to the Kevin Owens Show.
No comments:
Post a Comment