Live from beautiful Buffalo, New York it's Monday Night Raw! Last week was in Scotland so of course I didn't watch it. They announced The Brian Kendrick vs Kalisto for ownership of the Cruiserweight division and Sami Zayn vs Dolph Ziggler for the intercontinental title. Also Noam Dar debuted.
Show opens with the entire Raw roster on the stage. Stephanie is building them up from the ring with Mick Foley. Shane and Bryan are going to be on Raw. The Mickster says that this about proving your superiority, to prove that Raw is the best place for wrestling on TV. Mick does the Enzo dance and it looks scary. Stephanie runs down the card for Survivor Series on Sunday. Mick books Sheamus and Cesaro vs Owens and Reigns. Mick goes to start the show but Stephanie interrupts him to book Seth Rollins, Braun Stroman, and Chris Jericho vs the New Day. The New Day are wearing pastel snapbacks that look like something Chance the Rapper would wear. Mick then books Sasha and Charlotte vs Alicia Fox and Nia Jax. Mick books the tag match with Sheamo etc again and the show starts! Fantasy warfare just got real! Lesnar and Goldberg are both in the building tonight.
They are still doing the Cesaro and Sheamus don't get along thing despite them blowing them off weeks ago. Reigns and Owens win when Sheamus brogue kicks Owens while he argues with Roman. Roman then effortlessly spears Sheamus and drags Owens' corpse on top of Sheamus'.
Jericho is backstage kibbutzing with Seth and Braun. He gives them presents. Seth opens it and it's the Scarf of Jericho. "Try it onnnn, mannnnnn." Seth walks off. Braun demands the scarf Jericho is currently wearing. Jericho gives him his scarf and then takes Braun's scarf. The one he was going to give to Braun was Popeye themed. Braun tears the scarf in half and says "I don't like scarves. And I don't like you." I wonder how Braun feels about coffins and Heidenreich. The camera fades to black as Jericho says "I got two guys on my team who don't like scarves!"
Bo out next with his horrible beard. I guess he's wrestling Sami Zayn since Sami was antagonizing him backstage. Bo doesn't do the poetry thing anymore I guess. Sami's title match on Sunday could be against Miz or Dolph Ziggler as they will be wrestling for the title tomorrow night. That's exciting. Sami wins real quickly despite not getting any offense in the match. Post-match, Sami says Dolph looks like he plays in a Poison cover band and calls the Miz a hack. He'll wrestle either of them!
Backstage, all the cruiserweights are hanging out in the loading dock. Kendrick stands on a milk crate and delivers an inspiring speech to the small boys. TJP demands his rematch, but Rich Swann says he deserves one and so does Noam Dar.
IT'S A NEW DAY. They're shilling merch from a shopping cart. Buy some socks and a horn. Xavier teases putting the horn in the sock and the crowd starts going OHHHHHHH before he drops the horn. They start throwing their merch into the crowd. Woods yells "Gretzky!" I like the McElroy brothers too, Woods.
They wrestle Jericho, Seth, and Braun. Braun wins. After the match, Rollins pedigrees Jericho. It's cool that all the slapped together teams are beating all the real teams.
Backstage, Stephanie and Mick are hanging out when Paul Heyman shows up. Paul sucks up to Stephanie. Paul threatens to pull Brock out of the face-to-face with Goldberg if he isn't protected so Mick says he'll get more security.
Elsewhere, Sasha says Charlotte is "crazier than Miley Cyrus." This is a bad segment. I'm having a particularly hard time paying attention to Raw tonight.
The ropes are purple and you know what that means: time to drink exactly one beer and call 911. The Brian Kendrick will be wrestling Sin Cara. This match has basically zero heat. There's like three guys chanting for Enzo. Sin Cara taps out to the Captain's Hook after a very long, very heatless match.
Backstage, the Club bully Enzo and Cass. Badaboom, the biggest nerds in the room. Enzo is really funny when he's not just insulting people but is also going on crazy tangents and mumbling to himself.
Security is in the ring for the Brock/Goldberg face-to-face. Brock makes his way down first. He gets pyro. Goldberg doesn't get the police escort once again. The camera cuts a very drunk woman not at all chanting Goldberg in time with the Goldberg chants. There's something wrong with his pyro but I can't put my finger on it. I think it's too dense or the fountains are too close together. Paul starts to talk but Goldberg cuts him off. Goldberg is yelly and Paul is boring. That's what this segment is and the returns start diminishing throughout. At least the crowd is responding correctly to Goldberg this time and chanting his name incessantly. After Paul talks for a while, Goldberg rips off his shirt. He still looks good despite being essentially a mummy. Brock breaks the line by shoving two guys down. Paul says Brock is going to cuck Goldberg so Goldberg beats all the security guys up. Like a dozen security guys. Eventually the just break and run, leaving Brock and Goldberg in the ring alone. Brock rips his shirt off. He teases attacking Goldberg but he just leaves the ring instead.
Charlotte out next accompanied by Dana Brooke followed by Sasha Banks. Alicia Fox is carrying a tangle of cloth behind her back like a tail which is pretty good and Nia Jax's music still doesn't fit her. Charlotte and Sasha win.
Backstage, Mick congratulates all the men winners who are on the survivor series team. What the heck is the main event and where have D-Bry and Shane been.
Emmalina coming soon still.
Enzo and Cass make their way to the ring doing their thing. I guess they're doing another "everybody in the Survivor Series match tags with/against each other" match. It's Enzo, Cass, Karl, and Doc vs Primo, Epico, Goldust, and R-Truth. No Mark Henry and no Mark Henry verse either. The Enzo, Cass, and Club team wins after Karl tags himself in in the middle of Enzo and Cass doing their move to one of the Colons.
Oh, I guess the Shane and Bryan stuff is the main event. That kind of sucks, I wanted more wrestling. Where's Rusev? Shane and Bryan say that Smackdown is better than Raw and the crowd unanimously cheers. Shane says that Stephanie dominates Raw too much and that's why no one likes it. That's sure a part of it. I love "snide prick Daniel Bryan." Oh right, Shane is on the Smackdown Survivor Series team. The Mickster tears into Bryan for saying that Raw is a boring, poorly booked show. It's weird that they're making an entire TV show heel. Stephanie calls the Raw team down and they surround Shane. A big AJ Styles chant breaks out. Stephanie leaves and tells the Raw team that they can beat Shane down if they want. Out through the crowd to the rescue come AJ Styles, Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton, Dean Ambrose, and James Ellsworth. A weird holy shit chant starts for no reason. These guys all cut promos at each other. AJ says to Owens "You're still stuck on Chris' sugar tit." I've never heard of a sugar tit so I googled it. It's definitely worth looking sugar tit up on wikipedia. Holy cow. Jericho puts AJ on the list. Jericho then turns his focus on Ellsworth. "You're a weird looking guy. You know what happens to weird looking guys here on Raw, Chince McMahon? You just made the list!" Bray gets in Braun's face for breaking the cult conditioning. Braun steps up to get to Bray but Orton stands in the way. Braun's beard touches Orton's. I don't know why I think it's so funny when their beards touch. The brawl starts. Smackdown clear out the Raw guys except for Braun who single handedly knocks all the Smackdown guys down. Shane takes Braun out and everybody does a wacky dive. Jericho recovers, takes out Styles, Orton RKOs him, THE BIG DOG HUNTS and Roman spears Orton, Bray tries to Sister Abigail Roman but he powers out and superman punches him to a cacophony of boos. Reigns goes for a wacky dive but AJ cuts him off. He sets him up for the clash but Seth interrupts and pedigrees him. Seth then puts AJ on Roman's shoulders and Roman powerbombs AJ over the top rope into the pile of Smackdown guys. This was a bad episode of Raw. This was a particularly bad episode of Raw.
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