Live from OSU in beautiful Columbus, Ohio, it's Monday Night Raw. Paleo joke? Last night, Rusev beat Cass to defend Lana's honor, Cesaro and Sheamus were coined the Shameful Swingers and beat the New Day for the straps, Sami Zayn lasted for ten minutes again Braun Stroman, Rollins beat Jericho, Swann retained over TJP and TBK before Neville returned evil and beat him up, Charlotte beat Sasha Banks in sudden death after Sasha's face exploded, and Kevin Owens retained after Chris Jericho hit him with a Codebreaker during his match against Roman Reigns. Post-match, Rollins and Reigns beat Jericho and Owens up for a while.
Team Kevin and Chris out to gloat. "Welcome to the Chris and Kevin Show!" Kevin says he'll do anything to retain his belt, even taking his best friend's move. They reveal the whole breakup was just an act. They're more friends than ever. Chris gives Kevin a gift, the hug of Jericho. Bring it in mannnnnnn. Jericho and Owens run down Santa. Chris says Santa stole his gimmick. "Santa Claus, you just made the list!" Of course this cues the Mickster's music. Mick is wearing a leather sport coat with no shirt and a weird pendant. Mick botches the lyrics to Santa Claus is coming to town. He then plays some footage from Rollins and Reigns beating Team Kevin and Chris up after Owens retained the belt. Owens talks over Cole. Jericho says Mick's outfit is the worst thing he's ever seen. Mick says he'll show Jericho what the worst thing he's ever seen is then he takes the coat off. He's not actually shirtless, he's wearing a chesthair print Christmas shirt. Mick tries his cheap heat thing and gets the name of the town wrong. Owens and Jericho then insult the town to try and cover for Mick but they start talking at the same time and also they say the same thing about Pittsburgh being better than Columbus. Mick says he has a present for Team Kevin and Chris all the way from the north pole. It's a cage. They're doing the cage gimmick. They put Paul Ellering in it at Takeover. Mick says he's going to put Chris in the cage and dangle him at the Royal Rumble. Chris says "You can't make me! You can't make me! You can't make me!" Owens says "You can't make him!" Mick threatens to fire Jericho if he doesn't get in the cage at the Rumble. Jericho gets in the cage to inspect it and demands Mick lock it to prove the lock works. He then demands to be let out after Mick does lock it but Mick can't find the key in his fanny pack! Things Mick pulls out of his fanny pack: Dude Love merch, New Day merch, chewing tobacco, an old timey key, his own teeth. Not the lock key. He says that Chris is safe though because the Cage won't lift until he gives the signal. He then gives the signal and Jericho gets lifted into the sky.
Back from commercial, Chris is on the ground and backstage. He is having a panic attack. "It was high." Owens demands someone give him oxygen. Reigns and Rollins vs Team Kevin and Chris is tonight.
Enzo and Cass out. Cass rematching against Rusev. Big Cass gets disqualified for kicking too much ass. Love that finish.
Sasha hits the ring with her leg in a splint. Sasha cuts the same babyface promo she's cut every time she gets to cut a promo. She's crying and saying she's bad. She calls out Charlotte so she can congratulate her. Nia Jax's music hits instead. Nia Jax cuts a promo. "You'll never be the boss to me." Missed a chance to do the Malcom in the Middle theme song. Jax calls Sasha a little girl and then knocks her off her feet. She picks her up and throws her directly onto her knee. Nia threatens to break Sasha's leg with a crutch but walks off instead.
Mick gives Cesaro and Sheamus a gift: new raw tag team belts. They're identical to the Smackdown ones but with red leather. The crowd boos the belts. A ref tells Mick there's an emergency and Mick leaves. Elsewhere, Braun is destroying the backstage area. He demands Sami Zayn "or else.". Mick says he told Sami to take the night off and encourages Braun to do the same. Braun takes that to mean Mick picked "or else."
Cedric Alexander is accompanied by Alicia Fox for his match against Noam Dar in the Cruiserweight division, Austin Aries on commentary. Apparently Dar has been antagonizing Cedric and Alicia, who is now Cedric's girlfriend, on 205 Live, the least watchable show the WWE produces. Cedric wins with his orange crush gutbuster or whatever you call it. I loved Cedric in the ROH, for all the screen time they gave him. Noam Dar gets on the mic and demands a "winner takes Alicia" match. "Alicia baby, all I want for Christmas is you." Gross.
New Day promoing their way down to the ring. They say that Ric Flair couldn't have become the 16 time champ if he hadn't lost 15 times first. Big E says Charlotte is well on her way. Cesaro and Sheamus out so I guess it's a rematch. Cesaro and Sheamus have the new belts around their waists. They do a pretty long promo segment. Like eight minutes long or so? I had to take a phone call for most of it but I'm sure you can imagine what that promo was like. At 9:08, the Club interrupt to call the babyfaces in the ring nerds, "not good brothers." The Club are there to take credit for the title change. "That's right, geeks." The Shining Stars then interrupt. This is a long promo segment. The Shining Stars offer the babyfaces a complimentary stay at their definitely real timeshare in Puerto Rico. "Trust me, it's real," says Primo. Cesaro tears up one of the Shining Stars flyers and that kicks off a brawl that rolls into commercial.
Back from commercial, a match has organized, Kofi, Big E, Sheamus, and Cesaro vs Karl, Doc, Primo, and Epico. Big E gets the hot hot tag and he belly-to-bellys everybody. Cesaro tags in, swings Primo a bunch and makes him submit to the sharpshooter. The thing Cesaro does where he transitions into the sharpshooter from the swing is really cool. Cesaro is really cool.
Backstage, Enzo is frantically apologizing to Cass for costing him matches. Cass says it doesn't matter because they're going to have fun! A messenger gives Enzo a letter. It's from HR, Enzo has to attend a sexual harassment seminar tonight because he exposed himself on Raw a couple weeks ago. Maybe Harold and Dr Shelby will be there.
Neville out and he has a big evil beard. He insults the crowd for reacting positively to him last night. He says the crowd used to cheer for him because he was small and vulnerable and he doesn't want anyone to pity him anymore. He issues a warning to anyone whose favorite wrestler is a Cruiserweight because he's going to kill them. Rich Swann's music hits and he dances his way out. Neville immediately screams at him to shut up and demands respect. Rich says that Neville doesn't deserve respect because he doesn't have the belt. Kendrick comes out and berates Swann. How dare you disrespect a veteran like Neville (and also like Kendrick.) The Brian Kendrick lumps himself in with Neville as a pioneer and a veteran wrestler. Neville offers to show Swann where his place in the division will be with Kendrick's help. The old heels beat the young babyface down until TJP runs in. Kendrick and Neville beat TJP down as well. Neville leaves while Kendrick keeps beating up Perkins.
Time for the sensitivity training. Bob Backlund is there, Darren Young is there, Bo Dallas is there, and so is Jinder Mahal. It's being lead by a woman in a suit. This is significantly less funny than the Kane/Bryan segment. The joke is that Enzo can't turn off his wrestling personality despite the fact that everyone else in the room is also a wrestling personality. This doesn't work without normal people for contrast.
Back from commercial and Cole/Corey/Byron are riffing over the seminar for a second. The next match is Sin Cara vs Titus O'Neil, with both men starting in the ring. Unsurprisingly, this isn't a real match. Braun's music hits and he heads down to the ring. Braun kills the two of them. He soccer kicks Sin Cara in the ribs while he's down and it looks amazing. Braun picks Sin Cara up like a sack of potatoes and tries to drag him off but Mick intercepts him on the ramp. Braun screams "I told you, 'or else!'" at Mick and hurls Sin Cara off the stage and into a giant stack of presents. He then destroys the whole set. While destroying the set he gets his foot stuck in a present. Cole suggests that Mick call "the National Guard." To stop Braun. What.
Backstage Jericho is freaking out about the cage. He says he has arachnophobia. Kevin says that's fear of spiders and he says that he's afraid of both heights and spiders. I love Chris Jericho, bringing the R-Truth references. Kevin says Chris is "Chris Jericho, damn it!" and then he says that he's "Kevin Owens, darn it!" Roman and Rollins are going to get It.
Charlotte out now, they're calling her the Iron Queen. Going hard on the Cersei Lannister stuff, wonder if they'll bring David Flair back. She lists some women she would beat and who have worse moves than her. Trish Stratus and Moolah. They're starting to push the PPV streak now. Charlotte is undefeated on pay per view. Bayley cuts her off while she's getting some local sports heat. Bayley calls Charlotte a loser and a match breaks out. Bayley pins Charlotte, now going 3-0 against the champ. In the replay though, Charlotte gets her shoulder up. The ref's decision is final though.
Back in the seminar, it's roleplay time. It's not funny. Jinder and Enzo are at each other's throat.
Emmalina coming soon again.
To the seminar again. Bo is going to stop forcing his "boliefs" onto others. Bob and Darren are going to stop being so selfish and be more supportive to each other. Jinder is going to think before he acts. Enzo is going to be more sensitive as a g, as a tag team partner, and as a lover. He then sexually harasses the lady runnin the seminar. Rusev shows up to save her. Enzo tries to escape but Jinder cuts him off. They beat him down. While Enzo is basically unconscious, Lana runs in and slaps him. Rusev then puts him through a table. The crowd is chanting for Corey.
Rollins music hits and he makes his way to the ring for the main event, followed by Roman. Corey puts Roman over on commentary. Does the WWE think having the heel put over the babyface on commentary like that helps the babyface? Owens and Jericho come out in that order. Jericho and Owens try to leave the match but Seth and Roman drag them back. Owens wont stop talking and he's pretty funny. Just this nonsense stream of consciousness about how bad Roman and Rollins are. Braun runs in and destroys Roman, forcing the DQ. Owens and Jericho bail when Braun turns his sights on them. He then attacks, and destroys, Seth Rollins. Owens and Jericho feed Roman to Braun. Braun gets him with his powerslam. That's how the episode ends. "Somebody better call 911." I'll do it, Cole.
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