Live from the town that always keeps it weird, beautiful Austin, Texas, it's Monday Night Raw. Nothing happened this week in Raw news. I guess Rich Swann beat Kendrick for the Cruiserweight belt. No idea if anything is booked tonight but Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo is on Starz at the same time as Raw on the USA Network.
Show opens with the Glee-style "Previously on Monday Night Raw" recap of last week, recapping specifically the Jericho/Owens stuff. Seth out to kick the show off. "Austin, Texas, what's up??" Seth says he needs to get something off his chest. "I want Triple H." Owens comes out to berate Seth. They bicker for a little while until Seth threatens to take Owens' belt from him. Owens says he beat him and besides he has to wrestle Owens' best friend Chris Jericho at Roadblock End of the Line, which is a terrible name for a pay per view. They should call it In Your House: Bad Blood 16 in my opinion. Owens then brings out Seth's opponent tonight, a svelte, in-shape Paul Wight. It's the Big Show baby! Big Show sees a guy with pink hair in the crowd and says he wishes he had hair.
Frying pan-like hands of the Big Show cave in the chest of Seth Rollins after the bell rings. Rollins gets going a little bit and tries a suicide dive on the Big Show on the outside but Show just catches him and slams him into the barricade. As the match goes on, Owens starts yelling at the Big Show to squash him better. Big Show hauls Owens into the ring and chokeslams him before leaving the match as a babyface. Seth Rollins wins via countout.
Video package for Jack Gallagher plays. I find Gallagher to be an extremely boring, overly wacky wrestler. John Cena is hosting SNL on Saturday.
Gallagher out to wrestle Ariya Daivari in the Cruiserweight division. I guess this is Gallagher's non-tournament debut. Gallagher wins with a headbutt and a running dropkick. Gallagher offers his hand to Daivari post-match but Daivari cheap shots and chop blocks him.
Backstage, Titus is handing out flyers to an afterparty called "Tussle in Texas." Elsewhere backstage, Owens meets up with Jericho and tries to repair the friendship. He says he got Jericho a US title match tonight and the match against Rollins at Roadblock so they can be friends again. They're good now, right? Jericho says they're not good. Somewhere else backstage, Enzo and Cass overhear Rusev and Lana arguing. Enzo says that nobody should talk to a lady the way Rusev is talking to Lana. Rusev says Lana is pathetic and she deserves someone terrible like Enzo instead of someone great like him. Lana takes her engagement ring off and throws it on the ground. Rusev storms off. Enzo sends Cass off and picks up Lana's ring. He says he's a great listener and asks "How are you doing?"
Sami Zayn out and Cole says it's to wrestle Owens. Again? Really? Wow.
BACKSTAGE AGAIN. Lana invites Enzo up to her hotel room, #704. This is definitely an ambush.
Yeah, okay, it's Zayn versus Owens again. Didn't they say their last match was the last? I guess Braun might show up and chokeslam Owens. Bell rings and Sami beats up a clearly still dazed-from-chokeslam Owens. Cut to commercial and return, Owens firmly in control. There are some cool spots in this match but it's a match I think we've seen a dozen times over the last year. Owens goes over clean with the pop-up powerbomb. No Braun, no Mick, a tired/hurt Owens just beats him.
Backstage, Reigns gloats over Jericho. "Maybe tonight, I'll be the luckyman. Ya dig?" Jericho is cool. Reigns is still trying to sow dissension despite that friendship being over. Watch the product Reigns. He says that Jericho is just doing KO's dirty work.
Backstage, Sasha Banks is interviewed by a woman. I can't keep these people straight. Okay Charlie is the Raw woman I guess and Dasha the Smackdown? I guess Charlotte and Sasha are going to wrestle again. Sasha challenges Charlotte to an Iron Man match at Roadblock. Yikes. I hope they get enough time to rehearse or that's going to be painful. Charlie throws back to Cole who throws to a clip from May of Charlotte berating Ric who is crying.
Rich Swann, the Cruiserweight champ who won the belt at 205 Live from The Brian Kendrick last week, is out next. Perkins is going to wrestle him. He hits that dab in his entrance. The rules of the Cruiserweight division is they can't two guys I like in one match. They do an indie standoff spot and Perkins dabs to huge boos. A big "Let's Go Swann" chant breaks out in the wake of that. Swann retains like right after the match cools off.
Bayley vs Alicia Fox is the next match. Bayley wins with the Bayley-to-Belly.
Backstage again Enzo shows up with Cass. Cass is trying to warn Enzo off of showing up at her hotel room. Enzo gets a text while they're talking. It's a pretty picture of her shoulders. "I gotta go put the fever on her." Enzo dances out of frame and then Rusev shows up. He asks Cass where Lana is. Cass blows him off and Rusev says he's going to see the Mickster to get a match booked, Cass vs Rusev, tonight! Emmalina vignette, next week!
It's time for the Tussle in Texas, Titus O'Neil vs Mark Henry. They show a tale of the tape. Mark Henry gets a huge hometown ovation. Mark immediately World's Strongest Slams him to win. Cole sneaks in a weird jab at JR. Mark hugs this little nerd in a white turtleneck who I think might be his kid. He then jumps the barricade and hugs a guy in a wheelchair, taking a photo with him. Mark is great.
Enzo goes to leave the arena to sleep with Lana in the middle of the show when Ric Flair shows up in a limo. "You're my G!" says Ric. Ric gives Enzo his car when he learns that Enzo is going to go get laid.
Bow wow, it's the Big Dog, defending his United States championship against Chris Jericho. They cut to backstage where Chris is about to make his entrance, still wearing the Popeye scarf. Owens catches up to him and says that, despite Mick screwing him all night, he's still there and still trying to be Chris' friend. Chris tells him he doesn't want him in his corner and to stay away. Back in the ring, Roman is looking real smug. They wrestle for a while and it's a really good match. Owens runs in and superkicks Roman, Jericho gets only two from it though. Jericho then gets in Owens face because he did tell him not to come to ringside. Owens leaves, sulkingly. Jericho then immediately gets speared by Roman, Roman retains.
Cass out to wrestle Rusev but Rusev never comes out. Looks like I was right. Cass gets out of the ring and demands a phone from the timekeeper. Camera cuts to the hotel where Enzo hits ignore on his phone because the number came up unknown. Lana opens the hotel room door before he can even knock. Enzo gets cold feet and tries to leave but Lana starts to cry. She hugs him and her tears go away. Enzo tries to leave again but Lana drops something and picks it up seductively so Enzo takes his jacket off. She then eats a strawberry in a sexy way so Enzo downs a glass of champagne. He tries to leave a third time. Lana reads his shirt out loud and then tears it off which stops him from leaving. I don't like Enzo's chest. Lana orders him to take off his pants and he says "That's a terrible idea." This segment is going really long. He takes off his pants. He's got vale tudo shorts on underneath his pants. Lana calls him a fool and Rusev steps into frame. He beats Enzo up really bad, smashing him through a table, a lamp, a couch, and an ice bucket. The whole time Lana is yelling in Russian. He then smashes a vase over Enzo's head. Rusev drags Enzo's corpse into the hallway and Lana puts a do not disturb sign on the door. This segment was really long wow.
The New Day are out to watch Cesaro and Sheamus wrestle the Club. They're Facebook Living the show. During an outside distraction spot, the New Day spill their popcorn buckets filled with Booty-Os. Cole suggests that Byron "go down there and eat 'em up. Go down there and pretend you're a Roomba."The match eventually breaks down and nobody wins so nobody gets to wrestle the New Day next week I guess. Sheamus and Cesaro's music plays.
It is now 10:57 and Charlotte is coming out for the main event. She's not wearing gear so I'm very scared about what this segment is going to be. She's out to apologize to her dad. They replay the Dad segment for the fourth time tonight. Charlotte calls herself a "bitch." After the replay Charlotte says seeing her dad raise Sasha's hand last week was horrible. She starts crying, all she wanted was for her dad to be proud of her. She calls Ric out and he makes his way down the ramp. Ric tries to hug his daughter but she slaps him. "You son of a bitch! I'm your daughter! I'm your flesh and your blood. Who is she to dedicate her victory to my father? You turn your back on me? Really?" Sasha tries to make the save but Charlotte ties her up in the ropes and kicks her out of the ring. She beats her up around the ringside area while Ric pleads with her to stop. Two referees run down to try and break it up. Charlotte tosses Sasha into the post from a last ride position. "I'm the woman," she yells at Ric. Charlotte lugs Sasha's body into the ring. She presents her corpse to Ric and says "That's your trophy." She exits the ring and the show comes to a close.
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