Welcome to the city of angels, that's right it's beautiful Los Angeles, California, another piece of California Gold, and it's Monday Night Raw, another piece of McMahon's Millions. The Rock is backstage filming that weird Paige movie tonight. The recap this week is literally six minutes long.
Kevin Owens out to open the show, sitting alone in a folding chair, a single spotlight illuminating him from above, "you suck" chants echoing through the building. He's here to answer the question "Why does Kevin Owens think he's going to walk out of Fastlane still the WWE Universal Champion?" Owens says he never cared about Goldberg, not when he was a kid, and certainly not now. Owens says "Bill got lucky" when Big Berg beat Brock. He says he doesn't have to beat Goldberg, he just has to outlast him, because the longer a Goldberg match goes, the better chance Goldberg's opponent has. He just has to outsmart Goldberg, which will be easy for Owens. "I know how to play the game better than anyone else." He's going to prove to Goldberg, Goldberg's son, and everyone who watches the WWE that superheroes don't exist. He turns his attention to Chris Jericho. The crowd starts chanting Y2J. He sets the mic down and wordlessly leaves.
Enzo and Cass vs Sheamus and Cesaro. Flat, nothing match. Cass gets the pin with his move to make him and 'Zo the number one contenders to the Club's belts. After the match, Enzo gets on the microphone to gloat and Sheamus brogue kicks his face off. The crowd chants "Thank you Sheamus."
Kevin Owens is leaving when the Mickster shows up and tells Owens he can't leave because he has a match against Sami Zayn tonight. I thought they blew this off like a billion weeks ago. Owens says he's going to end Sami's life.
Roman has a man bun and he's in Mick's office. Roman says he's not going to interfere in the main event tonight, which Braun vs Show I think. The Club show up and want another match. Mick wants to book a tag team match but Roman accepts their 2-vs-1 handicap challenge. Two weeks in a row of this.
We're in the purple zone now for The Brian Kendrick against his "protege" Akira Tozawa. Kendrick jumps Tozawa before the bell, bangs his head into the turnbuckle, then puts him in the Captain's Hook. Match never begins and Kendrick leaves. Backstage, Charly asks him what the deal was and Kendrick says it's his job to teach "rookies" like the decade+ veteran Tozawa respect. This was really dumb. It's 9 o'clock now and it feels like there have been maybe 20 minutes that weren't recaps or commercials.
Make way for the Big Dog, it's Roman Reigns! He comes out first, followed by the Club. I think this might have been the same match exactly spot-for-spot from last week. DQ finish, Roman clears out the Club single handedly. The New Day will be hosting Wrestlemania.
Speaking of the New Day, they're wrestling Jinder and Rusev. Lana introduces Rusev as "the one and only handsome Rusev." Woods is going to be hosting SXSW award show, he announces that they want to be the hyenas in the new Lion King, he says New Day ice cream is coming, and he says the New Day will be hosting Wrestlemania. "The New Day have those photographic memories" says Kofi, and they recalled the blueprints Bo destroyed and uploaded them to a tablet. Lana hacked them! Big laughs from the crowd when Big E points out that this a Russian hacker joke. The match starts, it's a Kofi and E team. Xavier manages to steal the plans back from Lana by loudly playing the trombone in her ear and grabbing the iPad. Woods then smashes the iPad against the 15000 pound steel steps and tears it in half. The New Day win with their move.
Austin Aries is hosting a contract signing in the purple zone between Gentleman Jack Gallagher and the King of the Cruiserweights and the Cruiserweight Champion Neville. Gallagher is already in the ring but Neville enters, signs, and tries to immediately leave. Gallagher asks Neville to stay so they can "share a cuppa." Neville does a Dick Van Dyke accent to mock Gallagher. "The real streets of England look like this," Neville gestures to himself. "They're ugly, they're rough around the edges. You, you're just what the WWE universe wanted me to be. You twiddle your mustache and you twirl your umbrella and you do what they want you to do but what you don't realize is that they're not laughing with you, lad, they're laughing at you." Heel Neville is really good. Gallagher says that he doesn't take his clothes off when he goes to bed as his comeback. Neville flips the table and gets in Gallagher's face. Neville shoves him and Jack shoots a double. They scramble to their feet, Jack headbutts Neville, and propels Neville out of the ring. He tries to make his way back but Gallagher cuts him off with the umbrella before he can do anything. Neville storms out while Jack poses.
Nia Jax out for a match! She squashes local talent who I don't recognize in a matter of seconds with her move. Charly comes down to the ring to ask her what she thinks about Bayley winning her match. Nia demands a title match.
Black History Month package airs about Barack Obama.
Bayley out. You deserve it chants. Does she deserve it more or less than Bray Wyatt. She cuts a bad floundering promo until Stephanie comes out. Stephanie says that Sasha won Bayley the match. She cuts Bayley down for like five minutes before Sasha comes out to fight her battles for her as Bayley's about to hand over the belt. Bayley teases relinquishing the belt but says "HECK NO!" in the end. Charlotte comes out to stan for Stephanie. She demands a title match at Fastlane. Sasha cuts her off and challenges her to a match. Stephanie books it and it starts right now! Oh my!
Bayley's on commentary for the match. Sasha gets the win with the Banks Statement after Bayley gets involved.
DDP to the Hall of Fame this year.
Charly interviews Sami Zayn who says he told Jericho that Owens would do this but takes no joy in seeing this happen to Chris. He compares Owens to Joe, says they're two very selfish people.
Owens vs Sami Match #7000 next. Joe jumps Sami on the ramp though. He beats him down around the ringside area while Owens calmly watches in the ring. Boy, I hope they pull the trigger on that Evolution 2.0 deal with Joe, Owens, and two other fat guys. Y2J chants ring out as Joe is escorted out by security. Sami gets in the ring and demands the bell ring. As soon as it does, Owens hits Sami with all his moves. Cole says "Something changed in Owens last week" and Corey clarifies, this is the real Kevin Owens. The Antichrist of Professional Wrestling. He hits Sami's lifeless corpse with the popup powerbomb.
They're selling another pretaped interview as live again. I'm going to boycott this segment too, but it's between Cole and Lesnar.
Big ol' "where's hogan" sign in the crowd behind the Big Show as he starts his big boy match against Braun Stroman. "This is awesome" chants from the LA faithful as they lock up. THEY DO CHAIN WRESTLING SPOTS. This is like that Show/Kane match everyone online loves! Braun is beating the tar out of Big Show. Show fights back and gets a couple near falls before he and Braun head up to the high rent district. Braun throws Show off before he can suplex him. He goes for a flying double axe handle but show counters with the WMD. Braun kicks out at 2. Braun wins too soon with two consecutive running powerslams. Roman's music hits and all the good will the WWE earned with that match from this crowd is gone. Reigns knocks Stroman down and sets up for the spear but Braun counters with a shotgun dropkick. Braun lays Roman out with his move and screams in his face. I'm real disappointed that the ring didn't break but I'm not disappointed in that match.
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