Live to all the cheese packers in beautiful Green Bay, Wisconsin, it's Monday Night Raw. Beth Phoenix is going into the Hall of Fame. Goldberg is booked tonight. Uh.
Goldberg out to start the show. He promises he's not gonna talk like Kevin Owens. He proceeds to talk like Kevin Owens. Different accent I guess. Maybe that's what he meant. Big Berg promises he's going to squash Owens like he did Lesnar on Sunday. Owens comes out and runs down Goldberg. He lists the guys he beat: Cena, Ambrose, Styles, Rollins, Roman Reigns. He says Berg is Next. Next in the ~*~*~*~EVOLUTION~*~*~*~ of Kevin Owens. On Sunday, that's the end of Goldberg.
It's a New Day, Green Bay. They're out to shill their foodstuffs. Booty-Os and New Day Pops. "Y'all want that ice cream." They're about to say something when the Shining Stars' music hits. They do an Oscars reference deal. This is bad. Rusev and Jinder Mahal are their actual opponents. "A little, quote, Moonlight for the New Day tonight." Michael Cole why is that a quote. Why did you say quote. This was extremely bad and I doubt this match is going to be any better. Someone save Rusev from this nightmare. Pretty sure New Day won that match.
Enzo and Cass are backstage talking about the belts. Enzo is taking the fact that they're going to win for granted. Cass says they need to focus.
Sheamus and Cesaro are also backstage when Joe runs in. Joe says "Long time no see" to Cesaro. "Arrogant and backstabbing as always," Cesaro describes Joe. Joe says he "wore the brass ring" around his neck, referencing Cesaro's old brass ring club deal. Sheamus steps to Joe but Cesaro says he'll handle him.
ELSEWHERE BACKSTAGE, Stephanie and the Mickster are commiserating. She says that HHH retired Mick 17 years ago. LOL! Stephanie says that Mick is getting weaker by the second.
In the purple zone, Akira Tozawa is out. He pins Noam Dar. The Brian Kendrick jumps Tozawa after the match.
Backstage, Joe runs into Mick. "Not having a nice day?" Joe tries to antagonize Mick so he books Joe vs Cesaro for tonight.
Charlotte out with Dana. Charlotte says Bayley is bad and says all of Green Bay's sports heroes suck compared to her. Bayley and Sasha come out and talk for a while and then announce they have a tag team match against Charlotte. But Charlotte's partner isn't Dana, it's Nia Jax. Nia pins Bayley. This match was boring. This show is boring.
Backstage, AGAIN, Braun wants a match with Roman at Fast Lane and he demands Mick book it. Braun is so babyface here.
Enzo and Cass out for a match between Cass and Gallows. Yuck. Cass pins Gallows.
Titus O'Neil vs Sheamus. Titus jumps Sheamus before the bell but still loses.
Seth Rollins returns and he's in the ring. This crowd SUCKS tonight. Rollins says he has lots of regret about the path he took that lead him to being in that knee brace, regrets about his dealings with HHH. Corey asks Seth if he's going to be at Wrestlemania or miss it for the second year in a row. Seth says the doctors won't clear him. He looks at Corey and Triple H's heel music hits. Triple H comes out and says "it's honestly good to see you, Seth," in his most mocking tone of voice. Joe appears at ringside from behind Seth and Corey clears out of the ring, leaving Seth alone. Triple H tells Seth that he's not going to be at Wrestlemania, regardless of what the doctors say, if he knows what's good for him. Triple H lectures Seth as Joe slowly steps closer and closer. Triple H says "I used you up and I spit you out, that's life." "Get over it." "I used to tell people you were the future, but nah, you're the past. You're just another washed up, beat up superstar who is worthless." Triple H swears that if Seth shows up at Wrestlemania to call him out, he will end Seth's career. Seth says that if he and Triple H face off, Triple H will die! He will kill the Game! The Cerebral Assassin! The Asskicker! Joe gets off the apron and leaves up the ramp with Triple H.
Big Show in a handicap match against Primo and Epico. Big Show wins.
Black History Month package about MLK.
Backstage, Tony Nese gets his cue to start adjusting his wristbands when Neville comes in exactly 3 seconds later. All these backstage segments tonight have been so awkward.
A video package about Austin Aries for some reason.
Jack Gallagher and TJ Perkins out for a match against Neville and Tony Nese in the purple zone. Gallagher makes Nese tap out. I didn't realize TJP did a Benadryller. That seems crummy of him when Ricochet is, despite not being on TV, for sure a bigger star than him. Hmm. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and Paul L. made him do it.
Beth Phoenix is going into the Hall of Fame. I like Beth a lot.
Backstage, AGAIN, Stephanie overhears Bayley and Sasha talking about Sunday and she books Sasha vs Nia.
Joe beats Cesaro after a quick nothing match. I think maybe they had to go home early as Cesaro tweaked his knee early. On the ramp, Charlie asks Joe how he managed to have such a big impact in such a short time. Joe cuts an out of breath 80s screaming promo. Sami Zayn interrupts him and attacks Joe on the stage. They brawl around the stage. Security separates them but Sami breaks loose and does a senton off the stage onto Joe on the concrete floor and it looks like he lands right on the back of his head. Scary, scary.
Contract signing main event in front of this dead crowd after so many talking segments. Woof. Mick is in the ring to oversee the Braun Stroman/Roman Reigns contract signing. Braun out first. Braun cuts a Stephanie promo and even says "Stephanie was right." They have no idea what they're doing with Braun. The Mickster demands Braun respect him. Braun smacks the mic out of Mick's hands when Roman's music hits. Roman and Braun heatlessly brawl. Roman spears Braun through the barricade, taking out a stagehand with it. This crowd actually chants Roman. Braun pops up and slams Reigns into the turnbuckle so hard the top turnbuckle breaks. This was a cool spot, never seen anything like it. Braun leaves and Roman signs the contract.
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