Live from the beautiful Motor City, Detroit, Michigan, it's Monday Night Raw. Will Detroit's favorite son Diesel show up? Will the Motor City Machine Guns make their debut? No!
Paul E and Lesnar out to open the show. Paul's gloating again. The crowd tries to chant Goldberg so Heyman announces Goldberg is not here this evening, but Brock is! He says Lesnar is going to destroy Big Berg.
Backstage, The Mickster is watching TV at a normal, human angle. Stephanie runs in. She says she's going to start management training Mick, she says with a whole bunch of management buzzwords. Her first lesson is he has to fire someone tonight. Trim the fat, she says.
Sasha vs Dana Brooke is our first match tonight. Charlotte in Dana's corner, Bayley in Sasha's. Big "Let's go Sasha" chants. Sasha wins with a quick rollup and a pull of the tights. Charlotte grabs the microphone and berates Dana in the ring. "You're a disgrace!" "You think you're gonna ride my coattails to Wrestlemania? I'm finally getting rid of you." Dana levels Charlotte with a forearm and they brawl around the ring and to the floor. Shaky cam is back in 2017 baby! Now the crowd is chanting "Dana." They lucked out with this crowd. Dana has music! And it plays as Charlotte escapes up the ramp.
Eric LeGrand is the Warrior Award participant this year. What a dumb thing the Warrior Award is.
We're in the purple zone baby! TJP and Akira Tozawa vs The Brian Kendrick and Tony Nese. Nese gets the pin after a fairly long match with a roll up on TJP and a pull of the tights. Two for two with matches ending that way.
Charly interviews Gallows and Gun. They're sick of hearing about the babyfaces in the division and deserve the spotlight themselves, so they're going to take it.
Owens out. He has a new shirt, the Wrestlemania 2 logo but it says KO-Mania. Kev-o cuts the same promo he did last week. He says Chris was going to stab him in the back so he just stabbed him first. "Goldberg didn't beat me at Fastlane, Chris Jericho beat me at Fastlane." "All that will be left of Chris Jericho are the Tears of Jericho. Cry it out man!" He brings Joe out and then Sami and Jericho come out for a tag team match! Match ends by DQ when Owens and Joe 2-on-1 Sami Zayn for a while. Jericho makes the save and tries to put Owens in the walls but Joe saves Owens! The 2-on-1 starts again with Joe and Owens beating up Jericho. Owens hits Jericho with the pop-up powerbomb.
Stephanie is still encouraging Mick to pick someone to fire. Stephanie wants him to fire Sami Zayn. Nia Jax runs in. She wants to be added to the Womens title match at Wrestlemania. Stephanie books her in a match with Bayley.
Elsewhere backstage, after a commercial, Jinder demands Mick guarantee his employment. Mick books him in a match against Roman Reigns.
"James Corden, move trick get out the way," says Big E when New Day Talk starts. A backstage fake talk show segment. I hate this. At least Eric Bischoff had the cojones to put his fake Tonight Show on in front of a Nitro crowd. I hate this. They interview the Big Show. They mostly just talk over him. Titus shows up and it got worse. I didn't think it would be possible. Titus is mad that Big Show is the star of the Jetsons movie instead of him. "Titus 'Tight Trunks' O'Neil ruins everything," Woods signs off.
Enzo and Cass out next. They're out to shill their "cuppa haters" coffee cup. They do a boring March Madness bit. Sheamus and Cesaro come out next. I don't know if there's a match at the end of this tunnel or what. Yes, okay it's Sheamus and Cesaro vs Enzo and Cass. Karl and Doc promised they'd send a message tonight and this is a number one contenders match so I guess they're gonna run in. And they do. Two rollup tights pull finishes, two DQs.
Mick books Gallows and Gun against Cesaro and Sheamus and Enzo and Cass in a triple threat tag team title match.
Jinder gets a jobber entrance for his match against The Big Dog. Maybe we'll get a clean finish to this one. Maybe. A big DONG distracts Roman but he still pins Jinder Mahal clean as a sheet. The Big Dog bucks the trends once again. He then gets on the mic and calls out the Undertaker. Immediate smash cut to commercial.
Shawn Michaels is here! Roman is mad that HBK came out instead of 'Taker. He's doing the "You should be afraid of the Undertaker and don't let him in your head and etc" thing. Roman turns down HBK's advice and leaves but Braun jumps him on the ramp. "If I wanted to do it to you, I would," he yells down the ramp at Shawn Michaels. Big "Thank You Stroman" chants.
Backstage, Mick and Stephanie are still trying to figure out who to fire. It's so obviously going to be the Mickster.
Back in the purple zone, Austin Aries vs Ariya Daivari. Aries wins clean with a roaring elbow. I don't buy that as a finisher from Aries. Too short/not fat enough.
Big Show out to Wrestle. They announce that he's going to be in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. I guess that means the Shaq match is off. That's a bummer for the Big Show. Show wins quickly. This is the last WWE show in the Joe Lewis Arena apparently.
Backstage, Sasha underestimates Bayley and this offends her! Bayley always looks like she's about to cry.
Elsewhere, A Hair Boy asks Jericho what he's going to do. Jericho says he's going to expose Kevin Owens. The real Kevin Owens, the true Kevin Owens. On The Highlight Reel next week, Jericho's guest is the real Kevin Owens. He puts the Hair Boy on the list because he doesn't know his name is Tom Phillips.
Bayley vs Nia. This match ends with a "dqed for kicking too much ass" finish. Nia then hurls Bayley out of the ring into the barricade. She points at herself, "woman," and points at Bayley, "little girl."
Time is up for the Mickster! He must fire someone. Stephanie is the ring with him and she asks him who is the "bottomfeeder" he's going to cut loose. Lots of "CM Punk" chants. Mick says he's going to fire Stephanie herself! Big "Yes" chants! Mick calls her a liar and a bad person and that she needs to go. He also insults Triple H. Stephanie says "Do you want to see how bad I can really be?" Triple H's heel music hits. "If you want to say something, say it to my face," says Triple H when he hits the ring. "I'm not hiding Mick, I'm running a business." Hunter calls him a nostalgia act. He threatens to fire Mick's kids who are WWE employees for some reason. He tells Mick to "get the hell out" of his ring. Mick goes to leave when the crowd explodes for some reason. Stephanie stares at the crowd, definitely not looking at Mick. Triple H turns though and sees Mick has donned Mr. Socko. He applies the mandible claw to Triple H but Stephanie makes the save with a low blow. Triple H takes off his jacket to execute the Mickster but before he can, Seth Rollins' music hits and he steps out on the ramp with a crutch. Seth stands at the bottom of the ramp and stares at Triple H. He drops his crutch and takes off his hoodie?? and attacks. They brawl. Rollins dropkicks the Game out of the ring. Big "Rollins" chant, bigger than the CM Punk ones earlier. Triple H, on the floor now, picks up Seth's crutch and rolls back into the ring. Rollins cuts him off before he can swing it though. He goes for the curb stomp but Triple H recovers and breaks the crutch over Seth's back. The Cerebral Assassin takes his shirt off. He puts Rollins in a reverse figure four to close the show. Good angle.
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