Live from beautiful Brooklyn, New York, the city Biggie made famous, it's Monday Night Raw. Dread the crowd tonight, brothers and sisters. Nude photographs of Paige and videos of her in coitus with other superstars leaked out this week and, judging from reports of people in the stands already, it's not looking good as far as this crowd letting the WWE forget about that. And on top of that, Comcast isn't streaming the USA Network in HD tonight. It's going to be bad but really when is Raw not?
Mickster out to open the show. I forget, were there any repercussions from him trying to fire Stephanie and mandible clawing HHH last week? Other than getting hit in the balls I guess. He's reading a prepared statement. It's a farewell address. He thanks Triple H and Stephanie McMahon for giving him the opportunity to be the GM for nine months. He apologizes for cramming Mr Socko down Hunter's throat. He is quitting as GM so as not to distract from the greatest show of 'em all. He tears up the cards the statement were written on. He says he's "Mick Fricken Foley, I say what I wanna say." The mic gets cut. Stephanie's music hits. Her music isn't evil enough. She has the most ridiculous studded choker on. Wild how Stephanie ends up owning for like exactly three weeks a year. She says the index cards weren't there to control what he said, it was because he kept forgetting his lines every week for nine months. Stephanie has two words for the Mickster: "You're fired." "Get the hell out of my ring," she says off mic, "You piece of shit." Mick turns to leave when Sami Zayn's music hits and he's got a microphone. He says Stephanie is wrong but everyone in the back is a coward. "CM Punk" chants start as Mick tells Sami to just drop it. Mick goes to leave but Sami steps through the ropes. He says Stephanie should be ashamed of herself for disrespecting Foley just because he wasn't her lapdog. I seem to remember Mick totally being her lapdog for several months. Stephanie says Sami isn't on the level of being able to come out during a McMahon promo segment. "If you want, I can hit your little ska music on your way up the ramp. You can do your little dance." She says the smart thing would be to just leave and forget this happened. Sami says he doesn't do the smart thing, he does the right thing. He steps closer to Stephanie when Joe's music hits and the Samoan Submission Machine starts down the ramp. Stephanie tells Joe to stop and books Sami vs Joe as the opening match of the night. Sami turns and dives on Joe, cut to commercial. That was a pretty good segment. During this commercial break though, I am now extremely sleepy all of a sudden.
Back from break, Joe is beating up Sami. There's a referee so I assume the match started. Joe does a dive. What do you call a dive through the ropes where you turn sideways and land forearm first? It's not quite a tope suicida. Sami does that cool DDT through the ropes thing. Feels like it's been a while since we saw that. The DDT sets Joe up for the Helluva kick but he counters with the uranage then locks in the Coquina Clutch for the win.
Backstage, Sami tells Mick Foley that the superstars need him to stand up for them. They hug. "You're all sweaty, that was a mistake on my part." Joe walks around backstage saying goodbye to people. Cesaro and Sheamus. TJP. Nigel McGuinness. Bayley. Triple H??? Hunter says "Have a nice day" and walks off, leaving Mick to exit on his own.
Michael Cole interviews Seth Rollins' physical therapist live via satellite. He says "no doctor in the world would clear Seth for Wrestlemania."
Dana vs Charlotte is happening tonight. right now. Mild "We Want Paige" chant turns into a huge "We, Want Paige" chant to the tune of the New Day one. Charlotte wins. Wow, what a bad heatless affair.
Backstage, Bayley is upset. Stephanie offers to hug her. Bayley says she "admired" Stephanie growing up. Bayley does the cheap heat spot. Bayley says she's only seen Stephanie use her "powers to hurt other people." Can't believe Stephanie is an X-Man. Stephanie says that if Nia beats Bayley tonight, the Womens title match becomes a fatal four way with Nia added to it. Stephanie makes the match No Disqualification. She threatens Bayley before walking off.
Jericho out for the Highlight Reel. Big ol' Y2J chants from the Friends of Jericho. Jericho is going to expose the Real Kevin Owens. He puts a picture on the 'tron of Owens wearing a Y2J shirt when he was 16. On the wall behind Kev is a poster of Jericho, a poster of a bikini woman, and a picture of Sean Waltman. "He looks like a Fan of Jericho. He's marking out mannnnnn." Jesus, Jericho. Jericho then puts up DMs that Kevin sent him when he first got signed asking for advice. At the end of the DM, Owens says "if you need anything, hit me up." Jericho wants the months of his life he wasted being his friend back. At Wrestlemania, he wants to see the real face of Kevin Owens. His real face is the afraid face he made when Jericho's music hit at Fastlane. "I'm not Kevin Owens' friend, I'm his hero. I'm his idol." Jericho says that when they face off at Mania, Kevin is going to transform back into that 16 year old nerd in the picture and he's going to know exactly what he got himself into. A match against the ayatollah of rock'n'rollah. the best in the world at what he does. He goes to put Owens on the list when Joe walks out in silence. Owens jumps Jericho from behind while he's distracted by Joe. Owens hits him with his move and then picks up the List of Jericho. He throws the pen away, takes the list out of the clipboard, and tears it apart. He then sticks it in his mouth, chews it up, and spits at an unconscious Jericho while the crowd chants "Asshole." I missed this Kevin Owens, haven't seen it since he signed with the WWE. He needs to spit and blow snot rockets at people more often.
In the purple zone it's TJ Perkins vs The Brian Kendrick. Kendrick beats Perkins in like under 3 minutes with Sliced Bread no.2. After the match, Kendrick calls out Tozawa. Perkins stole Tozawa's passport.
Roman isn't concerned about wrestling the Undertaker he reveals backstage to Charly.
Nia Jax vs Bayley happens. The crowd chants a lot of things but I couldn't make any of them out except for "we are awesome." Anyway, Nia wins "punching her ticket to the ultimate thrill ride."
HHH out for his interview with Cole. The crowd chants CM Punk and it throws Hunter off a little. Triple H blames the fans for Seth getting reinjured last week. He then makes fun of millennials and gives Cole a pair of comped tickets to Wrestlemania to give to Seth. He goes to leave but turns and takes the tickets back. Triple H proposes a way for him and Seth to have a match. A non-sanctioned match! He says he's going to leave Seth "brokelyn." Next week Triple H says he'll have the contract in the ring for Seth to sign. He keeps saying "friggin'" and it's driving me crazy.
Sheamus and Cesaro are putting their place in the Wrestlemania tag team title match on the line thanks to Stephanie in a handicap match. Sheamus and Cesaro vs Gallows, Gun, Enzo, and Cass. Gallows and Gun beat up Enzo and Cass, their partners, before the bell. Sheamus and Cesaro beat Gallows and Gun in a matter of seconds then Enzo and Cass lay them out. What a waste of time.
Backstage, the New Day are hyping the Wrestlemania matches.
Austin Aries faces off against Tony Nese next. Aries pins Nese off a Roaring Elbow but Corey calls it the "Discus Fivearm." Aries' post-match celebration is interrupted by Neville. They promo at each other.
Evil Emma teaser again.
Braun tells Charly he's going to squash Roman flat. It feels like there have been a solid one hundred and twenty minutes of recap video packages tonight.
Braun vs Roman is the main event tonight. I wonder if the Undertaker is going to show up. They wrestle a match where I am surprised the crowd didn't just leave. They boo all of Roman's spots and barely react to Braun's. Big "We Want Taker" chants throughout. Eventually, Roman is about to finish Braun when the lights go out and that big dong does it's business. The lights come back and the Undertaker is standing in the ring in front of Roman. Taker chokeslams Braun. Roman spears Undertaker and the show ends with the Undertaker writhing in pain in the ring and Roman walking up the ramp. But wait! Undertaker sits up! He does the throat slash while Roman is on the stage. The End! Buy Wrestlemania in two weeks if you're some kind of chump that enjoyed this.
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