Last night was bad. Welcome to this bad show I hate it. Goldberg is the champ, Bayley is the champ, Neville is the champ, Gallows and Gun are the champs. We're in beautiful Chicago, Illinois, as beautiful as Raw is bad.
Jericho out. Owens out too. Owens calls Chris a tool, a means to an end, and not his real best friend. They argue for a bit before Owens sprints down the ramp to brawl with Jericho. They lock up and Joe hits the ring. Sami's music hits and he runs down with a steel chair, bending it over Joe's back.
Sami vs Owens is in progress after the break. Joe vs Jericho is later. Owens squashes him.
We're in the purple zone. The Austin Aries "my package" jokes are very tired. The match in the purple zone is a title rematch between Rich Swann and Neville. Lots of CM Punk chants before the match begins. There's a guy in awful Rick Steiner cosplay in the second row across from hardcam. Really bad. This match is great, the kind of sprint every cruiserweight match should be. Neville wins with the Rings of Saturn. Post-match, Aries interviews Neville in the ring. Neville says he's cleared out the division. The crowd chants "Austin Aries." Neville turns on Austin, gets in his face. Calls him delusional. He tells him to get out of his ring and get back to making cheap jokes on commentary. Aries cheapshots Neville and tosses him out of the ring with an forearm. He tears his shirt off and his music starts playing as Neville backs up the ramp.
Enzo and Cass and Sheamus and Cesaro meet up backstage and talk. Enzo is so much better at talking than the other three but at this point I would prefer seeing Cesaro cut that four ropes promo over and over instead of hearing Enzo talk say his words.
Crush em berg! Goldberg comes out to gloat. Lots of CM Punk chants in the second city tonight. Paul E says he's not alone tonight. Lesnar comes out and Paul E yells at Big Berg a lot. Lesnar F5s Berg. Goldberg should have just popped right up and no-sold it but he doesn't.
Enzo and Cass out, they do their thing. They have a tag team title rematch against Gallows and Gun tonight. The match gets broken up by Sheamus and Cesaro.
Backstage, the Mickster books a triple threat tag team title match. Stephanie runs in and drags Mick to her office.
Ariya Daivari vs Akira Tozawa in the purple zone. Tozawa wins with his suplex. It's so cool that the crowd cares about him. Oh no, they gave him a mic. He successfully calls out The Brian Kendrick. Kendrick comes out and cuts a promo from the stage at him. He accepts a match tomorrow night at 205 Live!
It's a New Day! They have the New Day Pops cart now. They're going to host Wrestlemania, and that means they can host a bris now. They're wrestling the Shining Stars. You get one guess as to who wins.
Bayley in the ring with Mick. CM Punk chants again. Bayley is mad at Sasha for running in and helping her win the match. Sasha comes out. Charlotte and Dana come out. Deafening CM Punk chants start when Stephanie also comes out. Stephanie says everyone in Chicago is just like CM Punk, losers. This doesn't work to defuse the chants. Stephanie just powers through them. Stephanie books Sasha vs Bayley, if Sasha wins the Wrestlemania womens match is Charlotte vs Bayley vs Sasha.
Sasha vs Bayley starts right away, after the commercial break. Bayley taps to the Banks Statement when Charlotte's distraction finish backfires and creates that triple threat at 'Mania. Charlotte lays out Sasha after the match and poses with the belt.
Cole interviews HHH live via satellite. Triple H says that the WWE spares no expense in taking care of the talent. He hopes Seth Rollins takes advantage of that to its fullest and doesn't risk injury by coming back at Wrestlemania. He says he didn't have to call himself the Game, the Cerebral Assassin, the King of Kings, it was self-evident. Seth calling himself "the Man" is a lie and Triple H is going to expose him.
Samoa Joe comes down for his match against Chris Jericho at 10:40. Oh no, does this mean there's going to be a Braun/Roman segment in the main event. Joe chokes Jericho unconscious outside the ring with the cocina clutch and wins by countdown. Post-match, Joe tries to continue beating Jericho down but Jericho codebreakers him.
Braun calls out Roman. Roman's music hits but it's interrupted by a big ol' DONG. That's right, James Hogsworth! NO! It's the Undertaker! The Undertaker's here! He stares down Big Country Braun Stroman. Braun slinks away and the Undertaker's music starts up again. The Big Dog's music interrupts though and Roman is met with a cacophony of boos. Roman tells the Undertaker that this is his yard now! Big Dog vs Biggest Dog! "Roman Sucks" chants ringing out from the Chicago faithful. Undertaker chokeslams Roman to big cheers. Roman's eyes when 'Taker had him goozled were huge like plates and it ruled. This match will probably be really good.
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