Dean Ambrose's music hits to open this episode of Monday Night Raw, live from beautiful Anaheim, California. Its a sellout tonight! I heard it sold out the minute they announced AJ Styles. Dean says he will be wrestling Barack Lesnar. Dean says Brock is probably looking for revenge after what Dean did to him last week. He's having visions of being F-5'd by Brock. He calls him out. Stephanie comes out instead. She books Dean in a match where he'll get an F-5: A fatal five-way! I think she said that if Roman comes out to ringside, Dean will be stripped of the belt. I was watching the Grammys. Anyway, the match starts right now!
First out in the fatal five-way is former Intercontinental Champion Kevin Owens, followed by former Intercontinental Champion Stardust, then Tyler Breeze, and finally former Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler. This match is total nothing that goes for a half hour but there's a "this is awesome" chant in case you forgot we were in 2016. Owens picks up the win via pop up powerbomb on Tyler Breeze to take home the belt. Backstage, Renee interviews Dean and Dean says he's pissed at the Authority but he quotes Downton Abbey and says he's going to beat HHH and win the big belt. He has nothing to lose. They cut back to ringside and then immediately cut back to Renee because Kevin Owens is there and he's demanding Renee say that he was right about winning the belt back from Ambrose. Ziggler walks in from out of frame to congratulate Owens on "a job done." Owens tells Dolph to get out of his spotlight but Dolph challenges him to a match at Fast Lane.
New Day are out next. They play a recap of the time the New Day and Edge and Christian battling. In the ring, the New Day say that Edge and Christian's kazoo stuff is the worst thing since Coldplay ruining the Super Bowl. But they can't say Super Bowl because they're going to get sued. I think Big E calls Mark Henry a "mark-ass buster" but I'm not positive because they don't like to say ass. Kofi says Mark is the world's largest booty-hole. Mark then comes down to wrestle Big E. Big E throws Mark to the floor and says he's Mark's daddy now. Woods is getting better at the trombone. Big E wins via what appeared to be Mark's ribs crumbling while he was up for the Big Ending.
Brie is in the ring next. She's getting Daniel Bryan's widow heat. Charlotte interrupts her and Brie and Charlotte cut the worst, most wooden promos at each other. This is terrible. Eventually Charlotte crossed some line while insulting Daniel Bryan so Brie unconvincingly attacks her while Cole says "BRIE'S BEATING THE HELL OUT OF CHARLOTE" and its bad.
Jericho hits the ring next and Cole says "the stars keep coming out!" Don't get me wrong, I love Owens and the New Day as much as the next guy, but I'm pretty sure this is the first "star" they've shown on Raw tonight. He's on commentary for the Miz/AJ match. I just realized the Brie/Charlotte segment was the 9pm anchor. Jericho is kind of heel-y on commentary. Miz taps to the calf slicer which Cole calls the calf crusher.
The cast of Hamilton performed the opening number on the Grammys so I missed whatever happened in between the tap out and the Dudleys calling out the Usos.
The Dudleys call out the Usos but they can't respond because the Dudleys put them through tables a week ago. D-Von is a much weaker promo than Bubba but he does a good job tonight. Bubba says, just like on Smackdown, they're never using tables again.
Paige is wrestling a singles match against Summer Rae. I missed the finish because I was watching Kendrick tear the Grammys to pieces. Wow.
As the 10 o'clock segment, we have Paul Heyman without Lesnar in the ring. Paul calls Roman down to the ring because he wants to say what he has to say straight to Roman's face. Roman comes through the crowd to a cacophony of boos. Heyman and Roman shake hands. Heyman warns Roman that he'll have to choose between being able to beat Lesnar or remaining friends with Dean. Brock Lesnar is Roman's enemy come Sunday night, but so is Dean Ambrose. The boos building during Heyman's promo build to a crescendo right when he finishes. Its cool. Roman then says "thanks" for the warning, but he doesn't need it. Roman and Dean have an understanding when it comes to wrestling each other and Roman knows he can beat Lesnar's ass. They shake hands again and Heyman leaves. While Roman's back is turned, the Dudleys hit the ring and jump Roman. Dean comes to make the save and the two Shield duders clear the ring. Ambrose and Dean hug, but Dean goes to lock Roman in the Dirty Deeds. Roman escapes and Dean smiles before pointing to the Wrestlemania sign. Roman laughs and points at Dean. They turn their backs on each other as Roman's music plays.
Cole announces the Vincent J. McMahon award will be awarded next week for the first time ever. My hunch is they're giving Daniel Bryan a special award so they don't have to put him in the Hall of Fame.
Zack Ryder is Zack in Action against the Social Outcasts. Zack should be in this stable. He's wrestling Heath tonight. They aired a pre-tape promo during the Social Outcasts entrance but I'm watching the Justin Bieber performance instead of listening to it. I missed the finish against because I was in a Bieber bliss. This is a fairly useless write up.
R-Truth is on a date. Goldust is the waiter because he's still stalking R-Truth. It culminates with Goldust putting a champagne bottle in his crotch and shooting foam all over Truth's date. It was pretty funny until that part!
Time for Kalisto to not defend his belt as the Lucha Dragons come down for a match at the exact same second Lady Gaga's Bowie tribute starts. They're tagging with Neville against the League of Nations. Gaga's Bowie tribute isn't very good. Representing the League is Sheamus, Rusev, and Del Rio. Barrett is still hurt I guess. Del Rio does his tree of woe double stomp to a rope hung Sin Cara halfway across the ring in the most contrived spot I've ever seen on WWE tv. He wins. He should be embarrassed. They air a Black History Month spot for Booker T. After the video package, Byron does a pretty good "sucka!" but JBL says he's too white to pull it off. I hate JBL so much.
I guess earlier today Team BAD jumped Becky in the parking lot and now she has to wrestle Naomi! Del Rio wants a 2 out of 3 falls match with Kalisto for the US title at Fast Lane. Becky finally comes out followed by Naomi and Tamina. Becky wins a short match with the Disarmer but Tamina jumps her. Sasha runs in for the save.
Time for the main event match between Braun Stroman and the Big Show. Your main event. Braun Stroman. Big Show. Bray starts off cutting a promo about freeing the world which is in slavery because of social media. This is cheesy but at least he hasn't said hashtag yet. Actually, the tone he's using is really what he should have been doing all along. That was actually a good promo about twitter that wasn't done by Bully Ray. I'm surprised its possible.
Big Show comes down finally and the match starts while the crowd chants boring. Cole is doing everything he can to make these two huge, plodding dudes seem exciting. When is the undertaker going to show up. Ryback comes out instead of the Undertaker. The Family take him out. Kane then comes through the mat and, with Big Show and Ryback, clears the ring of Wyatts. They just easily beat up the Wyatts and they run away and then Kane's pyro goes off again and they act all scared. What is the point of this. I don't understand putting Kane and Big Show over all of their tall young guys again. I really thought it was going to culminate in the Undertaker but instead it culminated in the wettest of farts. I'm pissed. Does the WWE realize they have to book these four dudes in a Wrestlemania match in two months?
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