Last night at Fast Lane, Kalisto retained his US title on the preshow against Del Rio, the Wyatts lost again, there were two womens matches and they were both bad, Owens retained against Ziggler, AJ beat Jericho with the Calf Killer after he kicked out of the Styles Clash, and Roman pinned Dean after Dean waffled Brock with a chair to become the number 1 contender. That's all that happened. Nothing else happened. That's it. Stop pretending that there was an additional half hour worth of content that happened. It didn't. Let's move on.
Early today, before Raw, Dean Ambrose got attacked by Brock Lesnar in the arena loading dock and taken to a nearby medical facility here in beautiful Detroit, Michigan! Vince is the first person through the curtain tonight to present the Vincent J. McMahon Legacy of Excellence Award. The internet has the scoops tonight as people are saying this is going to be an explosive segment! Vince says for over 100 years, his family has been presenting sports entertainment. Sorry, Vince, your family has been presenting sports entertainment for 30 years. He's getting "WHAT"ed pretty bad. He's giving the award to someone with good business acumen and a good heart. It's Stephanie. I thought it would be HHH, but this is close enough. She's getting a lot of heat, an unreal amount of heat. A suspicious amount of heat. Stephanie has some prepared remarks in a giant binder. First, she gives honor to HHH who will defend his championship at wrestlemania. BUT HERE COMES THE MONEY. SHANE O'MAC IS IN THE BUILDING. He's wearing Jordans. He's getting significantly more "YES" chants than Brie got last night. A sustained "holy shit" as well. He refuses to hug Vince. He also refuses to shake Vince's hand to the tune of a "Shane O'Mac" chant. Shane says the VJM award should go to a worthy recipient. A fan yells "GIVE IT TO ME!" Shane says Stephanie doesn't deserve it. Stephanie tells him to step out of her spotlight, this award is her legacy! Shane turns to Vince and says "She doesn't know, does she?" Shane says Stephanie and HHH have been running the WWE into the ground, the ratings, the stock, the talent, everything is crashing and burning. Stephanie says Shane's a quitter who doesn't know anything and tells him to get out of her ring. Shane points out that it's actually Vince's ring. Several years ago, Vince botched some business deal and Shane bought him out, I think? I kind of lost the plot there. But Shane says the only reason Stephanie has been allowed to run rampant is because Shane allowed her to. Stephanie asks Vince if this is true and Vince just deflects and tells Stephanie to go backstage. He says there's some truth to it. Shane reiterates that its all true then holds the ropes open for Stephanie to leave the ring. She says she will never forgive Shane as the crowd sings the Kiss Him Goodbye. Stephanie leaves and Vince says he'll pay Shane off if he'll leave the WWE alone. Shane doesn't want money though, Shane is raising the fifth generation of McMahons and wants the WWE to live long enough for them to inherit it. Shane wants control of Monday Night Raw. Vince says things have changed, Shane can't pick up where he left off and just run the show. Shane forgets his lines and Vince has to adlib real quick. He asks if the crowd wants Shane to run the show now and they Yes. Vince says he'll turn the show over to Shane as long as he can win one, single match. If Shane loses, Vince gets all the blackmail Shane's been holding over his head that they just mentioned for the first time now. Shane says Vince has a deal and Vince's face spreads into a huge smile. Vince says "Good, I'll get one more chance--" and the audio cuts out. Shane says every beating Vince gave him made him stronger. The match is made for Wrestlemania, Shane McMahon vs The Undertaker. Hell in a Cell. Chew on that, Shane.
Next up is New Day vs the Lucha Dragons and Neville. The New Day got a box made up for their Booty-Os cereal. After an insane sequence involving a standing 450 off the apron and a Hardy Boyz style assisted splash from Neville and Kalisto, Kofi picks up the win after pulling Sin Cara's mask and hitting him with a Trouble in Paradise.
Backstage, JoJo interviews Roman. He's ready to wrestle HHH. He likes his odds against the Asskicker.
Lesnar hits the ring for the 9 o'clock segment. No pyro. Always weird when he doesn't get pyro. He's accompanied by Paul Heyman, as usual. Paul says Lesnar is here for the main event. Even though he isn't wearing his wrestling gear, any segment with him is the main event. He's the biggest draw in sports entertainment. He's Brock Lesnar. Brock can tap out anyone, including Roman Reigns. Brock is "pissed" that Roman low blowed Lesnar to remove him from the Wrestlemania title picture and he took that piss out on Dean Ambrose. They replay the footage of Brock murdering Dean with a car earlier today. Nothing can protect Ambrose from Lesnar. Paul says Ambrose is like a cyclist who thinks he's so cool doing tricks, until a semi like Brock hops up on the sidewalk and BANG. Heyman smacks his microphone so hard it breaks and he has to get a new one. Heyman says Brock needs a new opponent for Wrestlemania but if you're thinking about challenging him, you should visit the near-dead Ambrose in the hospital tonight and see what the wrath of Lesnar will do to you. A car horn starts blaring followed by a siren as live backstage video of the loading dock appears on the Titantron. An ambulance pulls into the building, through the backstage area, and into the arena proper. It's Dean Ambrose behind the wheel. He's still wearing a neck brace and he stole yet another emergency vehicle. He staggers onto the stage and drags himself down the ramp towards Lesnar. Lesnar steps on Dean's head as he leaves the ring while Dean lies there helpless. Dean gets a mic though. "Kiss my ass, I told you I'm indestructible and you're gonna find out the hard way." He wants Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania, no holds barred, street fight! Brock storms back down to ringside and F-5s Dean as response. Hey Dean, remember that time Brock tore the door off a car and threw it into the crowd and it hit a child. Heyman accepts the match on behalf of his client.
It's time to go USO CRAZY!! They're wrestling the Ascension. This is the return match for the Usos after the Dudleys jumped them two weeks ago. The Dudleys come out and say they are more than just the guys who put people through tables. They're never using tables again so that people will remember that they've won a lot of gold in a lot of companies. D-Von says Rikishi shouldn't have bought so many thongs and instead should have taught the Usos about respect. The Ascension then jump the Usos from behind. JBL says the Dudleys (and him and Ron) were hardcore before the internet co-opted hardcore. The Usos effortlessly beat the Ascension as the Dudleys start to storm down the ramp, but they turn around and leave before they get to the ring.
Jericho is up next, in his gear and mic in hand. Welcome to Raw is Jericho! He puts AJ over and calls him down to the ring. AJ comes down and Jericho puts him over some more. He's championship material and is, indeed, phenomenal. The Social Outcasts come down and insult them. Adam Rose says no one is "buying Y2AJ". Curtis Axel and Heath Slater wrestle Jericho and AJ in a tag match and, quite frankly, get way too much offense in. Jericho submits Axel with the walls as AJ springboards off the top rope onto the other Outcasts.
Backstage, Hunter is commiserating with Stephanie. Stephanie is pissed Shane interrupted her. HHH points out Shane has always been a failure, and he'll fail against the Undertaker. They have something to tell Roman and Stephanie leaves to do so. Cut to commercial.
Return from commercial, Stephanie tells Roman he needs to be scared of Sheamus because the League of Nations is a real brotherhood and not a bromance like Dean and Roman have. What. Stephanie tells him to be safe out there tonight. Elsewhere backstage, R-Truth is listening to his iPod when Goldust appears with a cake. He apologizes for doing something THAT NEVER HAPPENED. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. The cake says "I'm sorry." Truth says the cake isn't enough of an apology for what Goldust has done over the last few weeks. Truth says he doesn't want any apology, or any cakes, and he doesn't want-- Goldust cuts him off and says they'd be the greatest tag team in the world because Goldust can predict all of Truth's moves. Truth says if Goldust can read minds, then he should know that Truth is going to smash the cake in his face. Goldust sadly says "yeah." Truth says he's better than that and walks away, but then he comes back, says "psych," and then does smash the cake in Goldust's face. Great segment, thanks WWE.
Wyatts out next after their loss to the Titans of WWE. Michael Cole says Snickers is going to be sponsoring Wrestlemania this year. I guess they have a rematch against those Titans because they're out next, Big Show, Ryback, and the demon Kane. Last night, Cole said they were the Big Show, the demon Ryback, and Kane. Rowan puts the sheep mask on Byron and Cole says "I'll warn you, Byron, don't take that mask off." The Wyatt guys wrestling tonight are Harper, Rowan, and Bray. The crowd chants "Gillberg" at Ryback. This is the 10 o'clock segment. Harper hits Ryback with a Michinoku driver. Ryback walks out of the match and Bray pins Kane.
Backstage, one of the guys who looks like young Cole interviews Ryback. Ryback says he's tired of being in tag teams because he deserves to be in the spotlight. It isn't personal what he did to Kane and Big Show, he just needs to grab that brass ring!
Sasha Banks makes her way to the ring now to wrestle Naomi, who is accompanied by Tamina. Naomi and Sasha bridge out of a jack knife pin, single-handedly making this match better than both matches from last night combined. Tamina and Naomi try to play the numbers game but Becky evens the odds by taking Tamina out. Sasha then locks in the Banks Statement and immediately submits Naomi. Charlotte's music hits and she and her dad come out. She's dressed like Nikki. Nikki top, Nikki hair, Nikki makeup. She cuts a heel promo comparing Becky and Sasha to Tina Fey and Amy Pohler. She says Becky and Sasha have to wrestle to determine who will face her at Wrestlemania for her title. I think Charlotte thinks emoting on the mic is just yelling. Its better than mumbling like some of the other women on the roster. I don't know why Charlotte is dressed like Nikki. Maybe they thought Nikki would be back by now and made Charlotte this outfit for their feud, but then Nikki didn't come back and they didn't want to waste the outfit? That's probably it.
Backstage, Vince tells Stephanie he manipulated Shane into accepting that match with the Undertaker so he can make more money at Wrestlemania and thats what being a McMahon means.
Roman is wrestling Sheamus in the main event. The rest of the League are at ringside. Sheamus wrenches Roman's arm as Rusev screams "BREAK HIS ARM" at the top of his lungs over and over while the rest of the League laugh at him. The match breaks down right before Triple H's babyface music hits and its time to play the game. He is wearing a leather jacket and jeans. His fists are taped and he's carrying the title. Roman and HHH start to brawl. No bell is rung, I think Sheamus must have got counted out during HHH's entrance. The crowd is solidly behind Mr. Helmsley while Roman runs wild on him. H smashes Roman in the throat with the ring belt, just like Bret. Triple H grinds Roman's face into the announce table while the crowd goes wild. Roman is bleeding bad from his nose as the crowd chants "this is awesome." Triple H slams his fists into Roman's busted nose over and over again until there's blood all over the tape. A hoard of referees show up and pull HHH off Roman while doctors attend to him. Hunter arranges some furniture, setting up the steel steps for a pedigree. He drives Roman into the steps and the camera zooms in on Roman's face and it is messed up big time. Triple H cocks his bloody fist and crotch chops at a bloody, supine Roman. He goes and gets the belt, returns to Roman, and poses over his broken body. Triple H is the coolest babyface in the company. Wow. I love him.
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