We say goodbye to Daniel Bryan tonight from the Key Arena in beautiful Seattle, WA and I don't think I'm going to be able to hold back my tears.
They show opens with Stephanie in the ring. The ring has carpet and a contract-signing table on it. Where's Daniel Bryan. She says the contract signing is for the main event of Fastlane, Brock vs Reigns vs Ambrose. The crowd is chanting Daniel Bryan over her very loudly. Stephanie says the winner of Fastlane isn't going to wrestle Daniel Bryan, they're going to wrestle Triple H. The crowd boos harder than I've heard them boo in a real long time. Ambrose's music hits. "You're early," Stephanie says to Dean. Dean calls out Lesnar, says to bring "his big ass out here." Stephanie puts him down and Roman's music hits. Roman wants to "sign on the dotted line" but he says it like a clever rhyme. Stephanie is trying to play Roman off Dean but they're too good of bros. Stephanie finally brings Lesnar out. No pyro for Brock tonight. They sign the contract and Stephanie skedaddles. Heyman calls Dean "little brother" and Roman "big brother Samoan badass." He says Roman knows first hand what its like being beat down by Brock Lesnar. Lesnar F5s Ambrose. Triple H's music hits. He's in a suit with the belt and Lesnar marches him down.
Backstage, Dean swears he's going to "get" Brock Lesnar. Next up is Kevin Owens vs Dolph Ziggler. Owens yells "Hey Dolph! What's funnier than you? Everything!" before hitting him. Fight Owens Fight chants during Dolph's babyface comeback. Ziggler uses the ropes to roll up Owens for three then goes and celebrates in the crowd like a babyface while Owens throws a temper tantrum and destroys the ringside area.
The Usos and the Dudleys do a little skit backstage where the Dudleys make a joke about how they're twin brothers too. Then a vignette for Ryback for some reason. I think he's getting new gear. Charlotte with Ric come out next as we cut to commercial.
Charlotte is wrestling Alicia Fox, who does not have Brie in her corner. Cole says that Brie is here tonight, but she's with Bryan and can't be bothered to corner her teammate. Charlotte wins with the Figure 8. Alicia is a fun wrestler.
Ugh, Miz TV. He runs down AJ Styles until Jericho comes out. Jericho does his catchphrases. Jericho dismantles the Miz TV set and puts up the Highlight Reel set. They put down a different color carpet and the LED apron changes logo. Jericho demands his potted plant, given to him by Dean Ambrose, and JBL says "the potted plant is over." Jericho rolls a clip of AJ beating the Miz up on Smackdown. AJ knocked one of Miz's teeth out. The crowd chants "you look stupid" at The Miz, and he responds by saying "I'm not Sheamus." He claims it cost him $20k to fix his teeth that almost cost him an audition with Spielberg, Steven Spielberg, if it wasn't for his team of expert celebrity dentists. Jericho starts singing "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" and the crowd sort of mildly sing along. The Miz says Jericho is just mad that AJ beat him two weeks ago. Jericho says he'll beat AJ on Smackdown when AJ's music hits. The Miz takes advantage of the distraction and jumps Jericho but AJ makes the save and throws the Miz out of the ring with Jericho. They stare each other down but it turns into a brawl until the Miz gets involved again and Jericho backs off.
The Wyatts are all in the ring. Ryback comes out and he has his new tights. He looks good! Smaller than Bryan Cage. The crowd is chanting "Goldberg" though. He's wrestling Bray himself. I missed the finish but Bray Sister Abigails Ryback on the floor and cuts a long off-mic promo.
The New Day are working on a table backstage. Renee says the New Day are booked in an 8 man tag. Xavier gives Renee a calculator, because there aren't four of them so they can't be in a 8 man tag. Kofi says they're like the Broncos because they're the champions and also horses. They resume working on the table. Also backstage, Dean and Roman want to fight Brock but Dean says he has to fight Brock on his own.
Titus is out next, he'll be wrestling Adam Rose, accompanied by the rest of the Social Outcasts. They say they're going to go viral. I hate the Social Outcasts so much. Adam Rose beats him and the Outcasts celebrate.
Dean is out now and he calls out Brock. "Brock Lesnar can't kill me, Brock Lesnar can't get the job done." He wants Brock to come back down and beat him up again but this time, "put some stank on it." He asks Brock if he's gone soft and "can't get it up for the big fight." This is a family show, Dean. Brock still hasn't come out. Dean says he didn't know Paul E. was required to hold his balls. He then yells "BROCK LESNAR" like Paul and Brock's music finally hits. Brock makes his way down the ramp but Dean runs at him but hits a brick wall made out of knees and fists. Brock kills him and F5s him and goes to walk away, but Dean calls for Lesnar to come back. Brock comes back to kill him again but Roman's music hits before he can. While Brock is distracted by Roman, Dean low blows him and walks away up the ramp. That was it. That's the end of the segment. Why.
Its the Lucha Dragons in a tag match despite Kalisto being a singles champ. They're wrestling Rusev and Del Rio who are accompanied by Barrett. Del Rio pins Kalisto with his dumb tree of woe double foot stomp. I hate this. Why couldn't he pin Sin Cara instead of the champ he's going to wrestle at the pay-per-view?
Earlier today, Truth is hanging outside the arena when he bumps into Goldust who is dressed like Jimi Hendrix and playing an unplugged electric guitar. He's Lil Jimi. He smashes the guitar and is dragged off the property before he can light it on fire. Back live, Sasha comes down to the ring!
She's on commentary for Becky Lynch's match. I guess they are reluctant partners after last week's schmozz. Becky will be wrestling Tamina, accompanied tonight by Naomi. Tamina is wearing like an all-leather Diesel ensemble but her music is very "Pacific Islander Savage." She should have Diesel's music and they should call her "Big Mommy Cool." Tamina and Becky wrestle until Sasha decides she needs to get involved. Naomi jumps Sasha before she can get to the ring and whips her into the ring steps. Becky makes the save and suplexes Naomi. She rolls back into the ring before the count but eats a superkick from Tamina and gets pinned for the 1, 2, 3.
The New Day try to recruit someone by telling them how many ladies they can get by tagging with the New Day. Its Mark Henry! Mark puts the unicorn horn on and plays Francesca and does a pretty good job. Its not enough for Big E though, without the moves. Xavier wipes off Francesca and plays a tune and Mark's hips don't lie. He's in!
The New Day are serving four. The World's Strongest Unicorn gets the New Day treatment, skipping to their entrance music. They will be wrestling the Usos and the Dudleys in an 8-man tables match. The New Day and the Dudlusos brawl until the New Day piss Mizark off too much and he walks out. The Dudleys 3D Big E through the table. Totally meaningless waste of time and waste of the New Day and waste of Mark! While the Dudleys and the Usos celebrate, Bubba Ray and D-Von turn on the Samoan Bros! They 3D Jimmy through a table and then avalanche Bubba Bomb Jey through a second one.
Its time. Flight of the Valkyries hits and Lilian says please welcome Daniel Bryan. He has a haircut. He's getting a standing ovation from every one in the building. Deafening Daniel Bryan chants. All the lights are on. He's on the edge of tears and I am too and so is this one lady in a New Day shirt they keep cutting to. He says its time to address the elephant in the room to the sound of "NO!" chants and he says "I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either!" He plugs "Wigs for Kids." He says he's had a lot of concussions over the last sixteen years. He says his doctors said he was fine, he wanted to come back and was ready at a moment's notice. He loved wrestling more than anything else. He recently took another test that said his brain wasn't as healthy as he thought it was and is thinking about his future with his family. The crowd chants "YES" and he says "THATS WHAT BRIE SAYS." He then, with a heavy heart, officially announces his retirement. He makes a list of things that he loves: He loves the Seahawks, He loves the moment right before his music hits, when its just the strings, and everyone freaks out. He loves dives towards the hard cam and says it makes him feel like Superman. He loves that he's wrestled in parking lots of gas stations and in the Superdome. He loves that he's met some cool people like Kane, William Regal, and Connor. He says wrestlers do what they do because they love it. He says the fans got behind him in a way they probably shouldn't have, in a way that made him feel like he was more than just himself. He brings up the Cena/Orton coronation segment when the Seattle crowd wouldn't stop chanting for Bryan. His dad was in the crowd for that episode of Raw and got to see the reaction. He breaks down into tears. It was the last time his dad got to see him wrestle and the Seattle crowd made it very special. He's grateful that because of wrestling he met Brie. He's grateful that he gets to announce his retirement in front of people who love him, the Seattle crowd, his mom, his sister, his family, and his friends. Starting tomorrow, he starts a life where he's not a wrestler. But tonight he's still a wrestler and he calls for one, last yes chant. The end of the American Dragon was tonight, February Eighth, 2016. Thanks, Bryan.
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