Live from a basketball arena of some sort probably in beautiful Hotlanta, Georgia, home of UFC 201, it's time for Monday Night Raw! Next week is Diddy but this week is some regular Raw action in the New Era!
Show opens tonight with the new Women's Champion, Sasha Banks. At Summerslam, Sasha will defend her belt against Charlotte in a rematch but what will she have to say tonight? My computer died today so I'm typing this on my tablet. Apologies if this is even less detailed that usual. Sasha says it's finally time to start Raw with a Statement. Sasha reminds everyone of how good her match against Bayley at NXT Brooklyn last year was. She says she's going to beat Charlotte when Charlotte's music hits and she comes out looking even more like Cersei Lannister than usual. The crowd chants "you tapped out" at Charlotte, she says she got crewed, she was just swatting a fly. Sasha rubs the belt in Charlotte's face and asks where Charlotte's "little Toto" is. Charlotte says she doesn't need Dana, or Ric for that matter, to beat Sasha. She keeps calling Sasha "sweetheart." Charlotte says Sasha is just a one night stand. Sasha says Charlotte is the product of a one night stand. A voice starts droning "QUIET" over and over. The ladies look around and suddenly it is revealed that Jericho is the one saying "Quiet" over and over. He gets in the ring to boos. He calls Sasha an ungrateful punk. Jericho has a Joey Ryan mustache. Jericho says Sasha shouldn't disrespect Charlotte, because Charlotte has surpassed his career already in just a few short years. Jericho asks if Sasha is the boss of him. He says she's the boss of stupid idiots. He says she's only here because she's Vanilla Ice's niece. SHe's a brat. Enzo and Cass' music hits and out walks the smacktalker skywalker sans Cass. He does his spiel, minus the Cass part, and makes his way into the ring. He says "how ya doin'" to Sasha and kisses her hand. Enzo dances for like ten seconds. He says Sasha is more like a BAUCE, and he's got the SAUCE. He asks if she'll make a certified deposit from the Sasha Bank. They "how you doin" back and forth at each other. Charlotte cuts in and says Enzo has problems with his erection. Sasha and Enzo say Jericho and Charlotte are a coupla haters. Enzo says having a conversation with Jericho is like texting with someone who never hits send. Jericho responds by calling Enzo a "hip hop hobbit." The crowd chants stupid idiot at Jericho. Enzo calls Jericho "Bon Jovi." Jericho says he hopes Enzo and everyone in the crowd is doing terrible! Mick Foley's music hits. Foley cares how everyone is doing and says he might not be The boss, he sure as heck is Jericho's boss. Foley books a mixed tag match, Jericho and Charlotte vs Sasha and Enzo and that match is next!
The match starts with Kevin Owens on commentary. Corey and Byron can't even vaguely keep up with Owens. Charlotte gets the pin on Sasha with a hand from Dana. After the match, Jericho hits Enzo with the Codebreaker and gets ready to continue the beatdown when Big Cass makes the save. Good segment, even if the promo part of it went on a little long. It's already after 8:35.
BRAUUUUN. He's wrestling a jobber who is small but still looks more like a wrestler than last week's guy. Evan Enderholdt I think is the guy's name. Braun wins.
Backstage, Stephanie and Mick are gloating about Braun. Mark Henry, the WWE Olympics ambassador, appears. He "made some renovations in the hall of pain, and it's time for a reopening." Stephanie says she wanted Mark in a mentorship role, not an active wrestling. Mark tells her she's wrong, he's the strongest man who ever lived and he's got a lot left in him. He wants one more run and Mick gives him a shot against Rusev. Mark got really good at talking over the last 20 years.
Goldust: "I think you might be addicted to Pokemon Go," Truth: "Hogwash!"
Golden Truth wrestle the Shining Stars. Truth is too busy playing Pokemon to wrestle. He misses a tag because he found a Pokemon in an illegal corner of the ring. Primo and Epico pin Goldust. Truth keeps trying to touch the pokemon.
Finn balor out at the 9 o'clock segment for an interview with Mickey Cole. Finn's entrance is really good without the paint. I really, really hope they've retired the demon permanently and do not bring the paint back for Summerslam. Finn gets maybe ten words out before Seth interrupts. Seth goes over Finn's accomplishments. Everything Finn has done in the WWE, Seth has done first, is the thrust of Seth's promo. He compares Finn to the new Ghostbusters, says he's Bill Murray and Finn is Melissa McCarthy. Finn says it doesn't matter what Seth's done in the past, because he's going to be the first Universal Champion. Seth says that's a joke, like the Braves winning the World Series. The crowd starts tomahawking. That's really racist right? It seems very racist. Finn says that in every company he's worked, there's always been someone like Seth who says they're the man but every single time, Finn has beaten that man and taken his spot. Seth says Finn's never wrestled anyone like him before. Finn says he earned his shot at the title when Seth had his shot handed to him. Seth says he's never had anything handed to him. Finn rebuts by saying he'll hand Seth his ass, conspicuously not saying arse. Zayn vs Rollins is later tonight!
Lana comes out in her wedding dress to rub her wedding into the crowd's face. Corey says its a $75k dress. Rusev comes out followed by Mark Henry. Babyface Olympian Mark is less fun that terrifying monster heel Mark but he's still pretty fun. Rusev wins with the Accolade. He then says that America should be ashamed of Olympians like Mark. The only reason Americans win in the Olympics is because the Olympics are rigged and the Olympic Committee is in the pocket of Big America, banning the Russian athletes. No man can beat Rusev! He starts yelling in Bulgarian when Roman Reigns' music hits. I was hoping when Rusev said "No man" an Eowyn situation would happen with Nikki Bella coming out. Roman is great but he's no Nikki. Roman gets in the ring and stares down Rusev who doesn't look impressed. Rusev tries to press past Roman but Roman steps in front of him. They start to brawl and Roman gets the best of Rusev. Rusev rolls out of the ring to avoid the Superman Punch but gets caught with one on the floor anyway. The Big Dog is rolling on Raw!
A vignette for Nia Jax plays.
It's Bob time! Bob comes out with Darren Young for a match against Titus O'Neil. They play a backstage pretape where Titus insults Darren and makes me want to cry. Titus and Darren are my favorite friends in the WWE. Titus wins with a handful of tights. I'm upset and so is Bob.
Backstage, Sheamus is complaining to Mick and Stephanie about Mark getting a title shot before him. Cesaro runs in on the argument. Mick says Cesaro's shoulder is a question mark and he needs to prove it's at 100%. Mick says Sheamus has been resting on his laurels. He books Cesaro vs Sheamus with a future title shot on the line.
Elsewhere backstage, Bob and Titus are screaming at each other. Titus says he'll knock Bob's old ass out when Darren jumps him, yelling not to talk to Mr. Backlund like that.
Nia Jax out to squash Ariel Monroe. Nia wins with a powerslam out of a fireman's carry position. It probably has a real name. Byron interviews her in the ring. "How does it feel to compete here on Raw?" She responds by beating down on Ariel Monroe and saying "Ask her."
BBackstage, Young Boy Tom interviews Sami. Tom looks like he's on his knees. I was too busy laughing at that to pay attention to the interview. I think they mentioned Owens. Meanwhile, New Day are holding two oranges and a banana. One of them is going to be banned from ringside for their match against the Club, I guess they were drawing lots and Xavier got the big banana?
New Day in the ring, recapping last week. The Club filed an official complaint to get one member of New Day banned. They were drawing lots backstage and Xavier did draw the unmatching fruit. They start to hold the two oranges and the one banana close together but pull them apart before it gets too explicit. Xavier says he's bummed he can't wrestle in front of his parents but it's okay because he can eat some Booty-Os backstage. Big E quotes the big Guwop, "New Day Rocks." I don't think Gucci said that E. Gallows and Gun's music hits and they make Xavier leave. Corey says "Booty Saxton" trended so he's going to call Byron that for the rest of the segment. Big E gets a quick flash pin for the win and Gallows/Anderson clear the ring and beatdown the New Day. Big E and Kofi are both basically dead by the time Xavier makes the save and he ends up dying 2-to-1. They get Big E with the boot of doom followed by a second boot of doom. Xavier tries a second time but gets slammed into the barricade. Gallows and Gun go to leave but turn around to smush Big E's oranges into the ring post. They stand over the New Day's bodies and too sweet. Even Corey is apalled.
Backstage in the medical chamber, Big E is being inspected by trainers while Kofi and Xavier freak out. Cole says you can find out what the condition of Big E's nuts are on WWE.com.
Cesaro vs Sheamus is the next match. Cesaro picks up the win and the title shot with the Neutralizer after exactly the stiff as heck, smashmouth match you would expect from Cesaro and Sheamus.
After the commercial break, Sheamus and Cesaro are still brawling. Heath Slater shows up and hops on the mic. He has Jinder Mahal in tow. The Band is back together, baby! 2MB! Mick Foley comes out to book them in a match against each other right now for a Raw contract. Heath says that they'd never fight right before Jinder superkicks Heath and joins the Raw roster. Really.
Bacsktage, Tom interviews Jericho about what happened earlier tonight. TTom asks if he's worried about Enzo and Cass. Jericho isn't impressed by them. Jericho says if Cass has Enzo's bac, someone has his back too. Tom asks who? Jericho says Jimin Marvinooter, the toughest guy west of Winnipeg. Owens runs in, says Jimin isn't a real person but he has his back anyway. Jericho calls Tom a stupid idiot.
Seth vs Sami next. I guess that makes Brock the main event, which makes sense. Rollins gets the win with the pedigree in a match, much like Cesaro vs Sheamus, is exactly the match you'd expect these two very good wrestlers to put on.
Backstage, Paul Heyman makes his way to the ring.
Back from commercial, Paul E.'s out. He says everyone's been salivating for the biggest draw in combat sports to come out so without further ado, BROCK LESNAR. Brock comes down, a jacked white boy. I'm upset at Brock because he made my husband (threaten to) quit the UFC. Paul says Brock will entertain the crowd at Summerslam. He's not going to sports entertain. He is going to inflict violence on Orton. Paul was told not to say the word "violent" but when he stands next to Brock, he can say whatever he wants. Time to shoot, baby! Brock isn't going to put his stamp on "the New Era." He's not going to curry favor with Mick or the McMahons or any of the wrestlers backstage, including Orton. Paul runs down Orton's accomplishments and puts over the RKO as "the great equalizer." Brock looks slimmer than usual tonight. You'd think after he popped for gear, he'd just go whole hog. Paul says the voices in Orton's head must say that Brock Lesnar is "gonna beat yo' ass" and if they're not, then they're full off... malarkey. Paul, calls himself the "wise old Jew" and begs Orton to listen to him, Brock is going to beat his ass and drag him down to Suplex City. The best Orton has to go for is survival. Maybe he won't go to the hospital, maybe he'll be able to wrestle again. "But Randy Orton, you ain't gonna hit no RKO at Summerslam. You're not man enough--" Orton cuts Heyman off by sneaking into the ring and hitting Lesnar with the RKO, laying him out. Lesnar pops back up to his feet but obviously dazed as Orton scrambles to escape through the crowd. Cole is putting this over as Randy not only hitting Lesnar with his move, but invading Raw from Smackdown Live. Big RKO chant from the crowd as Raw goes off the air. Pretty good show, no last week though.
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