Earlier today, Seth Rollins was outdoors. He cuts a hype promo for Summerslam in front of some palm trees. He's looking for Demon
Live, inside the ring, Rusev and Lana are pissed. The referees are yelling at them for some reason. Oh, they won't leave the ring. Lana and Rusev get a microphone and Rusev is staging a sit-in, halting Raw until Roman comes out and apologizes. The Mickster's music hits instead. Rusev tells Mick that he is the reason Raw exists so he deserves Mick's respect and time to wait for Roman. He instead calls Stephanie out. Stephanie shuts Rusev down because she's the boss and I hate Stephanie McMahon. She unquestioningly backs up Mick and all his decisions. Rusev says Stephanie should respect Rusev more than Mick because he's champion. Rusev threatens to jump ship to Smackdown. When he says that, Roman comes down and calls Lana a mail order bride again. He then calls Rusev a virgin and Lana ugly. Roman, buddy, I don't think either of those are true. Rusev calls Roman a "greasy pig." Rusev and Roman want to wrestle tonight, Roman because he's a babyface and Rusev because he wants to defend Lana's honor. Mick books a nontitle match between them since they both want to wrestle.
Byron interviews Sheamus in the ring before his match against Sami Zayn. They talk about Cesaro. Sheamus says he's better than Cesaro and he's moving on. He says Sami has been sniping at him on twitter. The crowd chants "you look stupid" at Sheamus. He says the crowd paid to see him so they're even stupider. Sheamus then calls Sami a "cheap knock off of the Celtic Warrior" and promises to "kick his bleeding head off." Sami hits the ring and they start brawling immediately. Cesaro comes out to do commentary after the commercial break. He says that Sheamus is a bully but only with smaller guys like Sami. If he tried to bully Cesaro, Cesaro would bully him back. Sami gets the win in a ten minute match with a Helluva Kick off the distraction from Cesaro.
Backstage, Young Boy Tom interview Owens and Jericho. Owens has a one on one match with Cass but none of their matches are one on one now that Owens and Jericho have each others backs. They rip on Enzo and Cass while calling Tom by a name that is not Tom, trading lines. Jericho says Tom needs to watch "it." After Summerslam, the answer to "how you doin'" is going to be "not so good."
Elsewhere backstage, Sheamus and Cesaro are at each others throats until referees and Mick pull them apart. Mick chastizes them for interfering in other matches. He books a best of seven series, match one at Summerslam.
In the ring, it's the Dudleyz. The New Day come out at 8:40 for some reason. They better have something big for the top of the hours. Big E still isn't with the New Day because his balls are bruised. Gallows and Gun do their doctor bit with the ball puns again on the Titantron. Some atrocious greenscreening in that vignette. They microwave an egg labelled "Big E." Then, the match starts. New Day quickly win. Gallows and Gun show back up on the titantron and pop off a couple more puns. They say they need more test subjects and pull out two empty jars labelled Kofi and Woods. Kofi gets on the microphone and makes fun of them for doing whatever these vignettes are instead of wrestling despite being former IWGP heavyweight tag team champs. Woods calls them "human-looking phalluses." They say that Gallows and Gun won't be able to take their "New Day Rocks." Then they chant New Day Rocks.
Seth is looking around backstage for the Demon King. I honestly thought he was saying Demon Kane before! He has a lisp, give me a break. He bumps into Neville who tells him that he's not ready for the Demon King. Rollins calls Neville a hobbit.
Nia Jax out to squash Rachel Levy, who is very small and has blue hair. Levy cuts a promo and says that she's going to believe in herself like Simone Biles and bring home the gold. Woof. Nia sets Rachel up on the top rope and shoves her to the floor. You can hear Nia saying "she's dead" over the ring mic. Nia rolls to the floor, gathers up Rachel, and kills her with her finisher for the win.
Backstage, Paul Heyman is in the building and apparently so is Brock Lesnar. I forgot he had a match on Sunday.
Brock's music hits for the top of the second hour. Corpus Christi are losing their minds for Brock and Brock is loving it. Before Paul can say anything, Heath Slater's music hits. Paul asks who dared Heath to interrupt him. Heath calls Paul "mittens Heyman," unintentionally probably. Heath says he's the hottest free agent and he wants Paul Heyman's services. This has killed the crowd dead. Paul starts laughing at Heath. Slater as a Heyman guy is a joke! Heath's "free agent" shirt is really good. Heath says he doesn't want Paul to manage him, he wants his permission to wrestle Brock. Because if he beats Brock, he gets a contract and a spot on the Summerslam card. Paul blows Heath off and starts cutting his scheduled promo about Orton. Heath gets on the apron and interrupts again. Heath says he has kids to feed who rely on him, especially his "two girls at home" and "all the other kids" he has. Heath knows, Paul knows, everyone knows that Brock will kill Heath, but he has to do this. He has to wrestle Brock or everything goes south. It doesn't matter if he survives it, he just needs his kids to be taken care of. Paul tries to chase him off again but Brock interrupts. Brock says he respects Heath trying to take care of his responsibilities. Brock also has kids and invites Heath into the ring to talk about kids. "I don't give a shit about kids." He gets right in Heath's face. "You have two choices right here. One, you walk out of here on your own two feet. Two, you can stand there and keep pissing me off." He drops the mic and takes another step closer, noses practically touching. Heath turns to go but turns back to try and cheapshot Lesnar but Lesnar was ready for it. He suplexes Heath twice and drops him with an F-5. Paul puts on Heath's aviators. He says "at least you were willing to step up and go face to face with Brock Lesnar because that's something Randy Orton does not have the manhood to do." Heyman says Orton is a viper because he can't measure up to Brock. Heyman says this is supposed to be a hype promo. He says he was supposed to sell that Randy Orton could stand a chance but he can't do it because Brock doesn't believe a word of it. "It is the summer of the conqueror and the beast is in heat." He refers to the UFC as the Brocktagon. "You expect me to hype the box office of Summerslam? Brock Lesnar is the box office of Summerslam." Nobody in the back is the draw, the wrestler, the legit threat that Brock is. The reason to get the Network isn't to see if Orton can beat Lesnar, but to see Lesnar do anything in the ring at all. He's the draw, not the match, it's all Lesnar. How could you pass up the opportunity to see a once in a lifetime athlete like Lesnar?
Enzo and Cass out. I took Nyquil at the beginning of the show and it's starting to hit me. Enzo runs his thing. Enzo is wearing leopard print leggings. He dabs. They're going to have a Summerslam bbq. They list things you barbeque. Then they call Jericho and Owens gay again! Jericho and Owens are SAWFT. Owens comes down with Jericho watching his back, ready to do It. The WWE is officially calling them Jeri-KO instead of Jerichowens like they should be doing. This match is sponsored by Carl's Jr, no word on how Carl Sjunior feels about it. Jericho and Owens successfully double team Cass every time the ref's back is turned. The heels win.
Backstage, Tom interviews Roman who gets jumped midsentence by Rusev who slams Roman into a rolling door and then tosses him into a catering table. He keeps beating on him until a bunch of refs and Fit Finlay drag him away.
The Primetime Players music plays and Titus and Darren come out together with Bob Backlund. Oh my gosh, I hope this isn't a bait and switch because I think the only way I'd like the Primetime Players reuniting more is if Bob Backlund is managing them. They play a backstage vignette where the PTP agree to reunite for "one night only." Bummer. The PTP will be wrestling the Shining Stars. They do the millions of dollars dance with Bob Backlund. It is a bait and switch as Darren accidentally bumps Titus off the apron. Titus gets in the ring, hits Darren with his move, and walks out. This is a real bummer. I miss the Primetime Players so much. Remember when they were on commentary and Titus said Xavier Woods looked like Cornell West?
Don't hinder Jinder as Jinder Mahal comes down for his match against Neville. Neville trips and falls during his entrance. They wrestle a Neville match. With Mahal on the floor, Neville does a corkscrew plancha suicida from the top rope and lands right on the top of Mahal's head like Shiima Xion did to that poor dude in TNA but it looks like Mahal did not break his neck. Neville gets the win with the Red Arrow in complete silence.
Backstage, Seth ends up in Stephanie and Mick's office while looking for the Demon King. He suggests he get the night off since he can't find his opponent. Mick suggests before he takes the night off, he call him out from the middle of the ring. Unless he's scared. Seth says he's not scared, he'll do it! He leaves and Mick cues Seth's music using a walkie talkie from backstage. I guess that means he's doing it next!
He's in the ring when we return from commercial. Seth mocks Finn for talking about mythology. Seth says he's got some big news that the cable news networks should pay attention to. "There is nothing and no one who can stop me from becoming the first ever WWE Universal Champion. I promise you that." Weird news. He then calls the Demon King out. When no demons at all respond he laughs. He says he's gonna drop a little truth. "Finn Balor is only trying to intimidate me because Finn Balor is scared of me." "I'd be afraid of me too if I weren't me." "This Demon King is just another chapter in the Book of Rollins," says Rollins. Rollins gets distracted by something, presumably someone jumped the guard rail. Weird backmasked garbled talking starts playing. Then the heartbeats start. Something emerges from the entrance way. It's an Irishman in makeup and leather dreadlocks! He does his super campy out of place theatrics as he crawls his way to the ring. He sits in the corner of the ring when the lights come back up and the crowd chants "holy shit." Seth and the Demon stare down to "this is awesome" chants. The Demon gets the best of Rollins and Seth escapes up the ramp.
Golden Truth are in the ring and rapping. Goldizzle and R-Trizzle will be facing off against The Club, Dr. Gallows and Dr. Anderson. Gallows and Gun win with the Magic Killer and as they gloat the New Day run down and beat them up! Xavier tries to slam Franchesca II into Anderson's nuts but Gallows makes the save and drags him out of the ring at the last minute.
Backstage, Dana apologizes to Charlotte for losing last week and also getting herself banned from Summerslam. Charlotte is a dick to Dana. She doesn't accept Dana's apology. She says she's Meryl Streep and Dana Brooke is "ew, Anne Hathaway."
Sasha is on commentary for a match between Alicia Fox and Charlotte. Alicia Fox is cool. I don't know if she could work a full-length pay per view match but she's fun to watch on TV. Charlotte picks up the win with Natural Selection as the crowd chants "we want Sasha." Charlotte invites Sasha down to the ring. Sasha gets in the ring but Dana Brooke sprints up on her from outta nowhere and chop blocks her. Charlotte locks Sasha in the figure four while Dana stomps on her face. Referees finally pry Charlotte off Sasha while the crowd chants "Charlotte sucks!"
Carl's Jr trivia question of the night: Who held the US Championship for 351 days? Dean Ambrose of course. Break out the honkameter, it's Dean Ambrose. I think he defended it twice during that year.
They play a video package of Braun Stroman squashing jobbers.
Lana in the ring to introduce Rusev. Rusev comes out followed by Roman. Roman is wearing an ugly red pallet swap of his usual blue gear. I guess because he's on Raw and nothing blue can be on Raw. The parts on Rusev's tights that are usually blue and green are also red tonight. Were they like this last week. If this is the main event, there's still 30 minutes left in this show. After the second commercial break, Rusev gets on the microphone to berate the crowd for cheering for him. He calls Corpus Christi Russian sympathizers. I think Rusev might be the best guy on either show right now. The chants have gone from 70/30 Roman/Rusev to 90/10. I genuinely think Rusev is top ten in North America right now and I'd be willing to hear arguments for top five. This match is long and the commercials are screwing with the pacing a lot and I took a bunch of Nyquil but I'm into it. Two great Rusev main events in a row. Reigns gets the win after getting beat up for 35 minutes with a spear, pinning Rusev clean.
Summerslam card:
Cesaro vs Sheamus, 1/7
Enzo and Cass vs Jericho and Owens
New Day vs The Club, Tag Team titles
Sasha Banks vs Charlotte, Women's title
Rusev vs Roman Reigns, United States title
Seth Rollins vs Finn Balor, Universal Championship
Becky Lynch vs Natalya
John Cena vs AJ Styles
Dean Ambrose vs Dolph Ziggler, WWE Championship
Brock Lesnar vs Randy Orton
I feel like there has to be more Smackdown matches but I can't think of any!
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