Live from beautiful Anaheim, California, home of the mouse, it's a special Bad Boy edition of Monday Night Raw! I don't think there was any major Raw news this week. Big E's dick is bruised, I guess. Shelton Benjamin got injured but he was a Smackdown-to-be guy. Daniel Bryan is going to be on Raw to address Brock and Orton not abiding by the rules of the brand split. I love arbitration. Let's start.
Enzo's music opens the show and out come the realest guys. They do their spiel and Enzo cuts a promo recapping his promo from last week. Enzo says Sasha was smitten, quotes Sublime to a big pop, and says he was about to bang her before Jericho interrupted. This isn't great. He calls Jericho out. Jericho's music hits and he gets a ton of babyface heat from the crowd. Antimiscegenationists? Jericho tries to name drop local artist Billy Ray Cyrus. Jericho says they look like cartoon dogs. "You look like a couple goof balls over ther'!" Jericho says they always have each others' back but now Jericho has someone to watch his. "How are you doing." Kevin Owens' music hits and the two of them stroll down to the ring. Jericho says Jimin Marvinluder gave him some advice and it brought him and Owens together as close Canadian brothers. Jericho asks Kevin if he has his back, Kevin doesn't respond because he thinks it's a "rhethorical" question. Cass calls them gay, like Bert and Ernie. This is not great material on Enzo and Cass' part. Kevin says that he's a lot like Cass, because he had a small annoying friend too in Sami Zayn, but he's going to hurt him anyway. Cass takes a step forward and he's huge. Owens says "If I don't hurt you, Jericho will." The two of them get in Cass' face. Cass says let's go, but Jericho says he was actually threatening Enzo, the "hip hop hobbit." Jericho says Enzo is going to get "It." Enzo will shove "It" down Jericho's throat. I think you have to get a rib removed to do that. The segment ends, the "Next" graphic goes up, and we go to commercial without finding out what is actually next. Jericho vs Enzo, I guess?
This completely boring by the books match continues through a commercial break. Big Cass runs in and big boots Jericho for the DQ. Kevin goes nuts celebrating. Cass gets the mic and calls them SAWFT. This has been a rough 30 minutes, roughest since the Draft.
Backstage, Mick is on the phone with Stephanie when Sasha walks in.
BRAAAAUUUUNNNN. "A mountain of a man," says Michael Cole. Backstage, Byron interviews Jorel Nelson. Jorel refuses to answer questions and just looks scared. Jorel gets his own entrance and music and everything though. Jorel tries to back off after the bell but BRAUN destroys him. He gets the three from the reverse chokeslam as usual.
Backstage, Puffy shows up to talk to Mick. The crowd hates Puffy. Puffy invites Mick to the Bad Boy family concert, Puffy, Mase, the Lox, French Montana, Baby, Lil Kim, they're all gonna be there. The New Day minus E run in. Puffy eats Booty-Os on camera. Puffy is the executive soundtrack producer for 2K17. Diddy asks how Big E's nuts are. Mick chides him for saying nuts on cable TV. Kofi says the Bald Boys of Gallows and Anderson did Big E dirty. Kofi, Xavier, and Diddy leave to call Big E on the phone.
Titus and Darren have a rematch. Bob is there. Darren rolls Titus up using the tights while Bob Backlund's back is turned. I like the idea of Bob and Darren but this is painful.
Seth out at nine pm. He compares Finn to Jared Leto and himself to Heath Ledger. He says he's a better athlete than Michael Phelps. Seth mocks the Finn Balor ringname and says it would be like calling himself Rambo Apocalypse which is an awesome name. He says Finn is disrespectful. He talked to Seth like he was a regular person, he's so arrogant. This promo is good but the crowd isn't really responding. Upgrading the promo from "good" to "really fantastic" once he starts focusing on himself over Finn. He lists his accomplishments and says that's proof he's better than Finn.
Sheamus vs Cesaro is the next match. These guys are awesome. Cesaro picks up the win.
They play a long video package about Orton and Lesnar's history. It might be good, I'm not in the mood.
Dudleys up next for the first time in what feels like ages. On the WWE app or somewhere I don't know the Dudleys challenged Neville to a tag team match if he can find a partner. Neville looks so much less weird with his new Austin Aries beard. The Dudley confrontation happened on the preshow and they show it during Neville's entrance. Neville's partner is Sin Cara. Byron is extremely unimpressed. I think Byron was expecting Rhyno as I was. The crowd is completely dead during this match, even with the wacky highspots from Sin Cara and Neville. They manage to work up the saddest sounding "We want tables" chant I've ever heard. Cole is trying his hardest to sell this match but the crowd isn't making any noise. You could probably hear Cole in the arena. Neville gets the pin on D-Von with the Red Arrow. I feel legitimately bad for all four of these guys. This match was near record levels of heatlessness.
Rusev got married and at 10 o'clock he has a wedding celebration. Lana comes out in a wedding dress and Rusev is wearing a sleeveless shirt. It's actually pretty cute and not really pulling off the heel thing. I'm mostly glad for them. They walk to the ring arm-in-arm. They start talking though and then the boos pour in. Lana rubs their exclusive destination wedding in the fans face and Rusev yells to stop disrespecting his wife. She is his bride, his princess! She has three huge diamonds in her ring, I wonder if the WWE contributed towards it. Lana kisses Rusev's bicep for no reason. Well, not for no reason. I would also like to kiss Rusev's bicep. They're going to reenact their wedding. First, they play slides from their wedding. Lana's real wedding dress is way nicer than her TV wedding dress. They get boring chants. Rusev pretends that they are saying "MORE-ING." I love Rusev. They demand the crowd stand while they recite their vows. Rusev says the boos are because Americans are jealous pigs. Roman's music then hits probably 30 seconds too late. I hope he's just there for the cake. Roman says that Rusev didn't have a best man so that's why he came out. "Who don't have a best man!" He offers a toast. Rusev doesn't want toast and he wants Roman to go back where he came from. Instead of toasting Rusev he instead challenges Rusev for the belt. Rusev declines so Roman decides he's going to toast anyway. He pours himself a giant flute of champagne and downs it, then holds a second one up. He starts the toast by calling Rusev bigfoot and Lana a mail order bride. Rusev gets so mad he starts to take his shirt off and Roman says the funniest thing I've ever heard him say when he tells Rusev to "button that deal back up, put that beef away." I think they made Roman watch a bunch of Kevin Nash tapes. Roman insinuates Rusev has a small penis and they start brawling. Roman shoves Rusev and he bumps into Lana and she gets a facefull of cake. She screams that she hates Roman and Roman retreats up the ramp.
Backstage, Lana is still covered in cake and crying in Russian. Rusev is demanding Mick do something about Roman. Mick books Rusev vs Roman in a title match.
Sasha's music hits while Cole is still shilling the network. Sasha in a nontitle match of some sort. She's wrestling Big Momma Pump Dana Brooke who is accompanied to the ring by Charlotte. Dana's got the peaks and the freaks are in attendance tonight. Sasha wins with the double knee in the corner thing. With the pin, she folds Dana completely in half when hooking the leg.
A Nia Jax promo plays followed by a clip from 1993 of the 1-2-3 Kid beating Razor Ramon followed by a Finn Balor pretape. Finn sits on some sort of dais lecturing Seth about Irish history and mythology. They tease the paint. I hate the paint, it's too camp for the WWE. Campier than the Undertaker.
A "funny" vignette airs with Gallows and Gun as doctors saying they're going to smash everyone's nuts into the ringposts and give them "ringpostitis". They hold up a jar with two eggs in it they claim are Big E's balls. They then do a few testicle puns before finishing with a threat to Kofi's nuts.
Little Caesar's Seat Upgrade went to a family.
New Day out sans E. Kofi will be wrestling Luke Gallows tonight but the New Day will wrestle the Club at Summerslam and defend their belts. Gallows and Gun come down wearing lab coats and Corey keeps calling them "the Doctors." The match quickly breaks down and Gallows takes advantage, pinning Kofi with his flapjack thing in a matter of minutes. Gallows and Gun then turn their attention to Kofi's testicles. They position him in front of the ringpost when Xavier shows up with a chair to chase them off.
Earlier today, Goldust was in the parking lot looking for Truth who got lost looking for Pokemon. Scooby Doo is in the parking lot. Truth has locked himself in the Mystery Machine which is filled with flies for some reason. Truth is made at Goldust for starring in a Scooby Doo movie without him. He thinks he's been okiedoked. Goldust says that they just weren't partners when the movie was made and the three of them (Golden Truth + Scooby) should watch a DVD and eat some Scooby Snacks. Truth does the Scooby Doo catchphrase. They go to leave but Truth comes back to close the door to the Mystery Machine because they're "letting all the flies out." Sometimes wrestling is very good.
Mick out for what I guess is the main event. He invites Daniel Bryan out. They compliment each other on how their shows are being run. Daniel tries to plug Smackdown but Mick cuts him off so he can get on with his apology. Mick is sorry that Brock invaded Smackdown Live last week. Bryan also apologizes, way less sincerely, for Orton running in on Raw last week. Daniel says he respects Mick but Mick cuts him off again. If he really respected Mick, he wouldn't have disparaged him on Talking Smack, the weird post-show after Smackdown Live. Bryan says he was being taken out of context but while Bryan and Mick bicker. Rusev comes out and says he's the top champ and will wrestle Daniel Bryan for Mick's honor. They stare each other down for a second before Cesaro's music hits and he makes his way out. Cesaro demands the championship opportunity he earned. Mick tries to blow him off but Bryan says Cesaro is underutilized on Raw. This ticks Mick off and he books Cesaro vs Rusev for the title, right now! Well, after the commercial break.
Rusev demands he be introduced first. Cesaro kicks the match off with the rapid European Uppercuts in the corner followed by the apron-to-the-floor senton. He rolls Rusev into the ring then gets him with a crossbody for two. Rusev reverses the neutralizer into a slingshot. Cesaro catches himself on second rope and rebounds with a European uppercut but Rusev takes control, ramming Cesaro into the turnbuckles once, twice, three times. He starts throwing punches in the corner until Cesaro has to cover up and follows it up by stomping a mudhole in the Swiss superman. Rusev rolls to the floor and wraps Cesaro's good arm without the kinesio tape around the post. Back in the ring, Rusev does the corner shoulder tackle thing, then whips him into the other buckle, hip toss, Triple H-style elbow drop. He only gets a two count off that but then locks Cesaro up in an armbar. Cesaro fights to his feet and tries to fight back but Rusev is unfazed and decks Cesaro, knocking him to the mat and jawjacking to the crowd. He tries for the armbar again but can't get it, opting to stomp on Cesaro's face instead. Cesaro goes for a waistlock but Rusev puts Cesaro in a Kimura. Cesaro powers out and does a one-armed bodyslam to the Bulgarian Brute. They both stumble to their feet, but Cesaro gets there first, taking Rusev back down and trying to go for the swing. They scuffle for a bit, Cesaro gets a two count, and then whips Rusev into the corner where he does some counted uppercuts. He gets Rusev with a swinging DDT but for just another two. Cesaro drags Rusev to his feet, setting him up for the Neutralizer again but Rusev reverses, whipping him into the ropes, doing a sky high gutbuster followed by a superkick. He only got two but it was a rough two. Rusev signals for the Accolade and puts Cesaro in it. Rusev can't lock his hands thought and Cesaro lifts Rusev into an electric chair drop. Absurd strength on show from Cesaro. They get back to their feet and trade punches/uppercuts. Rusev gets the best and whips Cesaro but Cesaro manages to hop up and get Rusev with the Psycho Crusher. Cesaro calls for the swing and gets it. He swings Rusev for five seconds and puts Rusev in the Sharpshooter. Rusev is relatively close to the ropes but Sheamus runs in for the save. Cesaro breaks the hold to chase Sheamus off and Rusev catches Cesaro with a superkick. Two and a half! Rusev goes for the Accolade but Cesaro throws him off. Rusev bumps the ref. Cesaro hits the Neutralizer and pins Rusev for like seven. Cesaro goes and revives the ref but only gets a two by the time he's in position. Rusev thumbs Cesaro's eyes, Sheamus gets him with a brogue kick behind the refs back, and Rusev finishes Cesaro off with a superkick for three. Rusev leaves to celebrate with his belt but Roman sprints down the ramp and spears Rusev out of his boots. If it wasn't for the interference finish, that match would have been as good as most of the G1 matches this year. Rusev and Cesaro are awesome. That's the end of the show.
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