I FORGOT RAW IS ON. ITS LIVE THOUGH. Raw results (rawsults) from last night are Sami and Neville over the Dudleys, Sheamus over Cesaro in their first match of seven, Jeri-KO beat Enzo and Cass, Charlotte won her belt back from Sasha, New Day retained against the Club via DQ after Big E returned to save Jon Stewart's balls, Finn Balor beat Seth to be crowned the new Universal Champion and also the Universal Championship belt is very, very ugly, and Raw superstar Brock Lesnar beat Randy Orton via TKO after elbowing him in the face so hard Randy needed 10 stitches. It was kind of a crummy payperview. I think they're still in beautiful Brooklyn, New York at the equally beautiful Barclay Center and they're live. They're using the same set from last night, with the ridiculously ugly LED ringposts and the gaudy LED ramp. It's live.
Something happened with Finn, I guess the belt being awarded. Finn had his arm in a sling. I turned the TV on as he was leaving. Stephanie and Mick vacated the belt since Finn's shoulder is broken. Woof. Summerslam was a real mess. Seth comes out and demands he be given the belt. Sami Zayn interrupts him. Jericho interrupts him! Kevin Owens interrupts him! Enzo and Cass interrupt them!! Roman interrupts them!!! Mick says everyone is deserving of a title shot, even Enzo and Cass who actually lost last night and definitely don't deserve a title shot. So he books a tournament for the new hideous belt with all those guys in it, the finals being next week. The crowd HATES this idea. They are booing a tournament a lot. The first match in the first round is Seth vs Sami though and it starts now. Seth jumps Sami and he falls to floor clutching his shoulder.
They do an injury angle during this match. Sami is powering through a broken angle, unlike that quitter Finn Balor! I don't know if that's what they're doing, I missed the beginning. Seth wins with a Pedigree to advance to the next round.
Next match in the tournament, Kevin Owens vs Neville. Jericho comes down to run interference for Owens. Cole says Jericho is "the self-proclaimed best friend of Kevin Owens." Owens wins with an Argentine neckbreaker thing that I'm positive is the finisher of someone in another company but for the life of me I can't place it.
The New Day are back together and they're giving out ladlefuls of Booty-Os to the crowd. Big E has a big stick because you know he's loud! The New Day are thankful for the fans supporting them through the good segments and the bad vignettes. They have a unicorn pinata to help celebrate their year long reign and you just know it's filled with those good good Booty-Os. Doc and Karl interrupt to call the New Day and the crowd stupid. Karl's cadence is begging for "whats" and he's getting them. They demand a title rematch and say Kofi is the stupidest. Kofi talks about the magic chemistry the New Day have but he ate a Magic Killer last night! Kofi wants E to defend him but E can't! Kofi really is stupid I guess. Big E is sick of hearing the Club talk all their flim-flam, their booty chatter. Time to show them that the New Day rocks! Big E wrestles Karl and wins with the Big Ending!
Titus comes out and stumbles all over his promo and the crowd boos him. I guess this is actually an in media res promo and he was in the middle of cutting a heel promo. He calls Darren Young deadweight and says it was good that the Primetime Players broke up. This promo is making me very sad. Titus dumps on Darren a bunch and I don't hear any conviction in his voice. This is a man who is being forced to be mean to his friend. Titus calls out Darren Young so he can "bury" him. Darren doesn't come out and Titus says that it's because Bob is trying to protect him. The crowd chants "we want Slater." Titus is dying on the mic. I think maybe something went short and Titus is stretching. Bob Backlund runs out and puts Titus in the crossface chickenwing. Titus powers out and slams Bob. Darren runs in and tries to take care of Bob while yelling "what's wrong with you!" Titus takes Darren out with the Clash of the Titus.
Backstage, Tom asks Stephanie about Brock F5ing Shane. Stephanie promises repercussions for Brock crossing the line.
Lana is in the ring doing her whole thing about only having sex with Rusev. Rusev comes out with his ribs taped. Enzo and Cass come out for Cass to wrestle Rusev I guess. They cut a promo. I think the luster is quickly coming off these guys but the crowd still loves them. I love Rusev. Rusev walks out on the match and Cass wins via countout and advances in the tournament. Woof. Also the next round of a tournament is the finals and it's a fatal four way. I am positie this is the first time they've mentioned that.
Backstage, Tom, aka "the Philster," interviews Owens and Jericho. He asks them what happens if Jericho beats Roman for the last spot in the fatal four way. Jericho makes fun of the Universal belt and says that he's going to beat Roman and also Kevin, and Seth, and Cass. This sows some discontent! Kevin and Chris argue about who is going to win. Instead of getting to move on to fatal four way, Roman's going to get It.
Charlotte and Dana out for the ten o'clock segment. Dana tries to start a "you deserve it" chant. Dana and Charlotte are the perfect Tammy and Jocelyn. Charlotte says she's better than a bunch of black women. She says get used to seeing her with the belt because Sasha is never coming back. Mick comes out and announces that when Sasha gets back from injury, she will get her rematch. The crowd chants "we want Bayley." Charlotte gloats for a bit but then Mick says he has signed a new free agent. Bayley's music hits. The hugger herself comes down to face off with Charlotte. Bayley wants to give Mick a hug. Charlotte says there's a reason Bayley was left behind when she, Becky, and Sasha got called up. Bayley challenges Charlotte to a match for the belt. Charlotte isn't dressed to wrestle but Dana sure is! That match begins! Bayley wins with the Bayley-to-belly in a match where the crowd was going nuts for her.
Backstage, young boy Tom talks to Roman who says he's going to shut Jericho up. Cruiserweights arrive, September 19th. Elsewhere backstage, a woman, Andrea apparently, asks Sheamus how he feels about his best of seven with Cesaro. Sheamus says Cesaro is the Suicide Squad of the WWE, hyped but underdelivering. He's not going to make it to seven matches. Sheamus is going to win, unlike all the New York sports teams.
BRAAUUUUUUUN. His jobber tonight, Johnny Knockout. Johnny says he's doing this for sexual reasons, he likes big sweaty men. Braun kills Johnny with the reverse chokeslam. He then lays Johnny out post-match with the big ending and then makes the referee count to three again. Dudley Boyz retire next.
Dudleyz out. If I call him Bully Ray in this segment, I apologize in advance. I much prefered his work with Joseph Park in TNA to any other aspect of his career. Ray says he doesn't get emotional but tonight is different. It's been one year since they returned to the WWE. He says he knows the crowd might have loved them or hated them, but always respected them. D-Von grabs a mic, the crowd chants "testify." He says for 20 years he and Bubba Ray created history. History like the TLC match. They name drop Edge and Christian. They namedrop the Hardyz. The crowd chants "DELETE." D-Von says the WWE will always be his home. Ray asks the crowd to give themselves a round of applause. Oh my brother, testify. The Shining Stars run in on the mic. They call the Dudleyz washed up. The Colons are definitely not the Hardyz. I'd be into Broken Primo and Epico though I guess. The crowd chants "we want tables" and Epico says "come on guys, no tables tonight." They got the Dudley boys coach tickets to Puerto Rico as a going away gift. That's a thoughtful gift. Primo has adopted a ridiculously strong Puerto Rican accent. I think Vince gave Primo some of the same advice he gave Carlito. Bubba Ray and D-Von run through their spots on the Colons. 3D, Wazzup, get the tables. The Club interrupt the 3D through the table to beat up the Dudleys. They lay Bubba Ray out with the Magic Killer on the floor. They then put D-Von through a table with the Magic Killer. At TNA Bound for Glory a couple years ago, the Dudleyz called out Gallows and Gun. They tore up a Bullet Club shirt and tried to basically unilaterally kick off an angle. Obviously, New Japan didn't want to work with those assholes so the angle never went anywhere aside from that pathetic segment on a TNA pay-per-view. Glad to see it finally get blown off though. RIP Dudleyz.
Roman versus Jericho is the main event. Dueling chant of "you can't wrestle/yes he can" for Roman. They have a great, exciting match that the crowd is crapping all over. Kevin Owens runs in and tries to cost the match for Roman but it doesn't work! Roman starts cussing at Jericho and that's just what Roman needs to win. He spears Jericho and gets the lateral press for three. The fatal four way next week is Seth, Kevin, Cass, and Roman. I wonder which of those guys is going to eat the pin.
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