Live from beautiful Oakland, California, it's Monday Night Raw, baby! SVU was the lead-in for Raw on the USA Network tonight so I'm real bummed out. Watching child actors talk about rape is the worst possible way to get hyped for wrestling. Yikes. Goldberg might be there tonight. I was real excited for Goldberg before I turned on my TV.
The show opens tonight with the new champ, Sasha Banks. Sasha loves Eddy and this is the same victorious Sasha promo she's cut for years now. Sasha challenges Charlotte to a Hell in a Cell match. Charlotte comes out but she's cut off by Rusev's music and then Rusev himself accompanied by Lana. He calls the "women's revolution" "stupid." Charlotte takes the microphone out of his hand, says "who the hell do you think you are? No one disrespects the queen!" She accepts Sasha's challenge but Rusev steals the mic back. Sasha then slaps the mic out of Rusev's hand. Lana calls them "lost women who need to know their place." She says they're not 'women' when they whine like little girls and only men should be in the cell. Sasha decks Lana and Sasha and Charlotte together dropkick Rusev out of the ring. Rusev threatens to teach Charlotte and Lana a lesson when Roman's music hits and he makes the save. Rusev looks weird, I think he trimmed his beard. He grew his goatee out into a full beard, that's what happened. I had to google image search him. I think it makes his face look rounder, not a fan of it. Maybe only two people on the roster are allowed to have goatees at a given time and with Goldberg coming in Rusev lost his goatee privileges.
OH BAY AREAAAAA, it's a new day, yes it is! They namedrop some famous Bay Area residents like the bash brothers and the splash brothers. There's a big Steph Curry head in the crowd. They also namedrop Danny Tanner and Uncle Jesse. Then they mock Cesaro and Sheamus. Cesaro is "thick af." Sheamus is "hot garbage." Kofi holds up a placard with a drawing of hot garbage on it. Cesaro and Sheamus then come out. Big babyface reaction for Cesaro, big heel reaction for Sheamus. Cesaro vs Kofi is the match. Sheamus is Facebook Living from the ring steps. Eventually the New Day start threatening to use the numbers game against Cesaro since Sheamus is deep into his phone. Kofi botches a springboard and they speed into the finish at lightspeed. Sheamus tries to take Xavier's trombone, this distracts Cesaro and Kofi rolls him up for three. Big E picks Kofi up and carries him out of the ringside area. Sheamus then calls Cesaro a loser and storms out. I hope Kofi's okay! Cole announces Roman and Sasha vs Charlotte and Rusev tonight. They recap Goldberg on Sportscenter saying he wants to wrestle Lesnar.
Bayley out next in front of a relatively hometown crowd. She's wrestling Candy Fields. Bayley wins. Backstage, Jericho and Truth talk and Truth gives Jericho a Payday bar. I couldn't hear the TV so I dont know what happened.
Sin Cara and Lince Dorado went over Drew Gulak and Tony Nese in Sin Cara's cruiserweight debut. Whole lotta guys who worked Chikara are in this division huh.
Foley and Steph out in the ring to address the crowd regarding Hell in a Cell. Mick is wearing a plaid flannel suit. Idea: Gel in a Cell. You have to spend a night in jail with Brett Gelman. Mick confirms the Hell in a Cell women's match because they deserve it. For the third Hell in a Cell match, it's Rollins vs Owens. I don't know what the second Hell in a Cell match is. I was too busy thinking about Gel in a Cell to pay attention. Owens' music hits and he and his best friend come out. Owens doesn't want to wrestle in a cell. Owens doesn't want the cell to cut his career short like it did Mick. Jericho asks if Mick is granting requests "like a genie." Jericho asks for a private jet with "Team Chris and Kevin" on the side. Kevin wants a jet with "Team Kevin and Chris." Jericho puts Mick on the list again because he endangered Kevin's health and well-being. He puts him on the list a second time. Jericho asks Stephanie to "take care of this guy." Stephanie tells Jericho to show Mick some respect. Stephanie gives Jericho an opportunity to win a spot in the title match in the cell, if he beats Seth Rollins tonight.
Backstage, some woman I've never seen before asks Seth what he thinks about the deal in the ring. Seth is going to beat Jericho he says and mess up Stephanie's plan. He says "obsolete" and of course a bunch of "delete" chants pop up. That had to be intentional, it was a clumsy shoehorning of that word into a promo. I missed the rest of the promo because I was devoting my entire brain to thinking about Broken Matt.
Holy cow, Curtis Axel. I forgot about the Axeman! He's teaming with Bo again. Backstage earlier tonight, Bo and Axel recited poetry to each other. Enzo and Cass are the team they will be facing. I kind of liked the Bo push, I hope this doesn't derail him too bad. False alarm as the Club jump Enzo and Cass as they start to do their thing. They Boot of Doom Enzo and Magic Killer Cass. The end! After the commercial, Axel demands a match. He came out to have a tag team match and by god he's going to have one. He'll wrestle anyone in the back and so will Bo. Sami Zayn answers the challenge and so does his tag team partner Neville. Sami and Neville win with a quick Helluva kick/Red Arrow combo. They shouldn't have wasted the International Airstrike name on Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd. It's a really good team name that would fit Sami and Neville as well as those guys.
Backstage, Charlotte stretches. Lana confronts her and tells her off. Lana is jealous of Charlotte tagging with her husband, that's the deal.
They play an "earlier tonight" video with Truth and Titus talking about something while Goldust and the Shining Stars look on. It didn't make any sense to me so it probably had something to do with the Jericho/Truth segment I couldn't hear. Titus and Truth then wrestle. Corey calls Byron "Suxton" which is just terrible. Truth gets a flash pin on Titus and he and Goldust hug.
Backstage, TJ Perkins and The Brian Kendrick parlay in the locker room. TJ lectures Kendrick about how he doesn't need to cheat. TJ talks about video games. Every other word out of his mouth is video game related. TJ says it's not too late for Kendrick to turn everything around and resume being The Brian Kendrick. They go to shake hands and Kendrick tries to cheap shot TJP. TJP knocks Kendrick down and he sits there in the fetal position as TJP disappointed leaves the room.
BRAAAAUUUUUNNN. Two of the ugliest wrestlers I've ever seen are going to lose to Braun tonight. They're calling themselves the Splash Brothers. One guy is wearing Zubaz and the other guy is wearing a fur loincloth. Are these Hoodslam guys? Do they know Dan Ryckert? Braun pins both of them by reverse chokeslamming one into the other. Braun then cuts another promo on Foley threatening to end time itself if he doesn't get to wrestle a real person.
Backstage, Roman and Sasha talk. I forgot Roman had the US belt. Then they play the Royal Rumble by the numbers package. They have a new voice over for it and it's bad. They should bring back the woman who did it a couple years ago.
The 10 o'clock segment tonight is the Charlotte/Rusev vs Sasha/Roman match. Sasha makes Charlotte submit to the Banks Statement after an extremely nothing match.
Jericho says Tom used a "stupid idiom" in a backstage interview Young Boy Tom conducts with Jericho and Kevin. They say that if one of them is Universal Champion, both of them are champs. Jericho puts Tom on the list as "Phillipe Thomastein."
Paul Heyman out at 10:20 to address Goldberg. What is the main event. Oh right, Seth vs Jericho. Probably no Goldberg if this isn't the main tonight, I guess. Unless he spears Seth, Jackhammers Jericho, Who's Next. Heyman asks what if Goldberg gets another match. After all, you still hear people chanting his name anytime there's a winning streak. Heyman compares Goldberg to Brock, saying they had parallel careers. Goldberg was drawing insane houses years before Brock made his debut. Heyman says that, since Goldberg has a win on Brock, Brock has authorized him to challenge Goldberg to a "fight." The beast vs the myth. Anywhere, any place, any time, Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg. Heyman calls the Oakland crowd "wannabe gangsters and pseudo-Samoans." Yikes. "In Suplex City, you're not Goldberg, you're next." That's a good line. No Goldberg.
Emmalina package. Evil Emma was so cool. I don't know if this bikini Emma gimmick would be worse played straight or played like goofy dancing NXT Emma.
The Brian Kendrick will be on commentary for the Cruiserweight Championship match between the champ TJ Perkins and Ariya Daivari. TJP does a benadryller. He ends up winning a couple minutes later with his submission and stares down Kendrick.
Backstage, Chris bumps into Stephanie who is being very nice to him. Chris apologizes for getting so mad he nearly added her name to the list. She hints to Chris that he needs to protect Kevin if he ends up in the Hell in a Cell match. She walks away as Kevin walks up. He asks Chris what's up and Chris says "Friendship."
Jericho vs Seth is our main event tonight. They wrestle for a bit and there's weirdly little heat. Eventually, Owens' music hits and he comes down to ringside and the crowd wakes up a bit. Seth pins Jericho with a small package after like half an hour. Immediately after the bell rings, Owens attacks Rollins. Rollins counters the pop up powerbomb into the double underhook set up for the pedigree but Jericho makes the save. Rollins then puts Jericho in the pedigree while Owens retreats up the ramp, "just like last week," per Cole. Yes, just like last week. Might as well have been exactly the Owens segment from last week.
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