Live from beautiful Minneapolis, Minnesota, it's Monday Night Raw! Last week, Goldberg accept Lesnar's challenge and this week Lesnar is supposed to say something. It would be great if they announced more matches/segments in advance so it would be less hard to fill this opening paragraph. Hell in a Cell is next week!
Show opens with Jericho making his way to the ring in a terrible vest. Cole says the opening match was supposed to be Karl Anderson vs Enzo Amore! That would be a terrible way to open a show. Jericho says he has some terrible news to share. His terrible news is that the triple threat match between him, Owens, and Rollins has been cancelled. It's been cancelled because something catastrophic happened. The crowd chants "one more match!" The catastrophic thing is that someone has stolen the List of Jericho. He refuses to leave the ring until someone returns the list. Owens comes out. Owens says he doesn't have the list but also he doesn't care about the list! But he knows Jericho cares and he cares about Jericho so they're going to find the list together. He's only going to start looking after they beat Seth Rollins tonight. Jericho says that he's not wrestling until he finds the list. His deepest darkest secrets are on that list. Stephanie comes out. Oh no. She promises that Jericho will have the list returned to him by the end of the night but that he needs to listen to Owens. She tells him to stop being ridiculous. Jericho demands the list. He thinks she's blowing smoke and demands the backstage security footage. Rollins' music hits and he walks out on the stage with his hand behind his back. Jericho screams "YOU GOT THE LIST." Rollins says he doesn't know what he's talking about and does a little comedy routine until revealing that he does indeed have the list. Seth reveals that Stephanie is on the list. Kevin tells him to give the list back right now. Seth reveals that Owens is on the list but Jericho says a best friend would never be on the list. The list is made for muttonheads like Seth, Mick, and the fans, not for loyal people like Owens and Stephanie. He calls Stephanie "Mrs... uh... McMahon." Seth says he'll give the list back but first he is going to make some alterations to the list. He's going to make the List of Owens, a list of all the parts of his body that Rollins is going to destroy inside the cell. He verbally lists some body parts. Item three million is Kevin Owens' ego because he's going to pedigree him so hard that Triple H feels it. He says he's going to burn the establishment to the ground. Seth finishes by saying "if you want the list back, come and get it." He leaves with the list and Jericho chases after him.
Backstage, Stephanie confronts Seth and demands the list from him. Seth is still sowing dissent as far as who is on the list and who is not on the list. He says he doesn't have to listen to her anymore and then tells her that she can tell Chris he left the list in the locker room.
Karl Anderson with Doc Gallows vs Enzo Amore with Big Cass is our first match of the evening. Week two of the stopwatch experiment commences. Enzo and Cass don't do their thing. Weird. Oh, never mind, they just wait until they get in the ring to do their thing. When Enzo starts talking, a sound clip of a microphone breaking up plays and they cut Enzo's mic. Luke Gallows and Anderson step out on the stage to announce that sing a long with Enzo and Cass in cancelled. A good brother in the production truck took a payday-ski to shut these two dorks up. Gallows and Gun are about being mean and making green. Enzo and Cass just do their thing without microphones and the crowd still does the sing-a-long. Yep, I missed the bell. Enzo pins Karl after Big Cass big boots him behind the ref's back.
A weird pretape promo with Rusev in a pure black room with his bad beard plays after that match. He has a slideshow of photos of Roman and Lana prepared. He's going to do despicable thing to Roman Reigns.
AWWWW IT'S A NEW DAY etc. New Day have new "Who"-themed shirts. "SHAME-US!" "Shame on all of us for allowing Sheamus to walk down this ramp and step into that ring week after week after week when you know who wants to see Sheamus? Who? Nobody!" They shame Sheamus. A much smaller portion of the crowd shame him than last week. Earlier, Cesaro says that he and Sheamus match up well together and could be a good team but Sheamus doesn't want to be partners with Cesaro. The match tonight is a non-title match between Cesaro and Sheamus and Kofi and E. Cesaro and Sheamus work angrily but well together. Big E gets two from a rock bottom. Don't know if Cesaro and Sheamus should be wrestling the New Day for this match. Maybe some goobers with the New Day on commentary. I don't know, we'll see when the finish comes. Kofi launches off Big E to the outside and gets caught with swiss death. While Big E is freaking out because Kofi is now dead, Sheamus brogue kicks him for the win in 11:50. Nontitle matches are dumb outside of tournaments, they shouldn't have done this. Cole says HiaC has a "triple main event." That's nonsense and you know it, Michael!
Backstage, the Shining Stars and Titus try to sell Jericho a timeshare but he hates Dominicans! He's looking for the list. Jinder Mahal tries to help Chris find inner peace. Chris calls him a stupid idiot, "I want the list, not breathing!"
Dana Brooke versus Bayley is the next match, a rematch from the wacky match last week. The rematch is because the fans called it an "upset." I think the fans called it a rougher thing than that given Dana was supposed to be using the ropes for leverage and instead just put her feet under the ropes. Dana has a mic though and promos before the match can start. Dana addresses the upset deal. She says somebody that looks like her could never upset anyone who looks like Bayley. She requested the rematch, an arm wrestling match. She really is Scott Steiner. Bayley wants to use her left arm since her right arm is taped up but Dana insists on the the right arm. Dana wins in seven seconds. She offers to do left arms as well. Dana disqualifies herself in eight seconds after Bayley starts winning by punching Bayley in the face. The crowd chants boring all throughout. Dana then beats Bayley pillar to post until Bayley fires back with a Bayley to belly and Dana flees to the back.
Jericho is still looking for the list. He bumps into Stephanie. They agree that Seth is trying to undermine the McMahon/Jericho/Owens connection but Stephanie says Jericho has to wrestle in the match whether he finds the list or not. Jericho says he'll walk out if he doesn't have the list in hand before the match begins. Stephanie says that she can't risk a strike so if Jericho doesn't wrestle he's suspended. What.
Curtis Axel is mad at Bo for laying him out. He says he had to reevaluate what he believed in and go back to his Minnesotan roots. He says he carries the legacy of Larry the Axe Hennig and Mr Perfect, so by attacking him Bo attacked those great wrestlers. He's wearing a shirt that says Skol Axel Skol. I thought it said Skoal at first. Real disappointed it doesn't say Skoal. Dang. Bo comes down and they start wrestling. Axel gets a near fall from a perfectplex. The crowd chants "skol" at Axel and I've never been more disappointed in my life. I wish it was Skoal so hard. This a fun match, it's just Axel hitting moves. Bo rolls Axel up and gets the pin in 2:58. Skoal, Skoal, Skoal, Skoal.
Backstage, Ryan Ward tells Jericho that he saw someone with the list. That someone is Braun Stroman. I thought Stroman was going to destroy time and space. Braun makes Jericho say please before giving him the list. He puts Stroman on the list for touching his personal property.
The same pretaped promo in an infinite black void with prepared slides plays but this time it's Roman talking about Rusev instead of the other way around.
Golden Truth and Mark Henry come down. Truth added a new line after the Goldizzle one where he says "listen up it's a matter of fact, we take Mark Henry everywhere we're at." Golden Truth are going to be wrestling the Shining Stars. Primo and Epico have Titus in their corner. Titus isn't dressed like a pimp this week. Corey says he bought his mom a week in the Shining Stars' timeshare. Missed the bell on this one. Truth pins Primo. This was a waste of time. How much time? No one knows.
OH NO THERE'S A NEW SONIC COMMERCIAL WHERE THE MEN ARE NOT IN THE CAR. NO NO NO PUT THEM BACK IN THE CAR.
The Mickster is out to talk Hell in a Cell. He invites Charlotte and Sasha out for a contract signing, Charlotte first. I keep forgetting Sasha is the champ. Charlotte and Sasha berate Mick for a bit and then Mick cuts the same "Hell in a Cell is the worst thing in the history of wrestling" promo he cuts every year. It's weird hearing him say "demonic structure." Charlotte and Sasha argue. They just yell at each other and I'm finding it very hard to follow. I've got a headache tonight. Then Mick starts yelling. Please stop. Oh I guess the idea is that Mick thinks that there shouldn't be any more Hell in a Cells but Charlotte and Sasha think there should be infinite Hells in a Cell. Well then. They both sign the contract against Mick's wishes.
Emmalina coming soon! They still havent dropped that.
TJ Perkins is on commentary for Rich Swann versus The Brian Kendrick. "Lotta cool dudes sitting at this table over the years." Cool dudes, TJ? You're old my man. Rich wins after 8:39. I missed the finish because I was vandalizing someone's spreadsheet on Google Docs. Swann got Perkins after reversing the Captain's Hook into a modified la magistral.
Backstage, Tom interviews Owens. Kevin says that no kids will watch Rollins/Owens in the cell and want to be wrestlers like Sasha and Charlotte, they're going to be covering their eyes and screaming when Owens destroys Rollins and permanently scars the viewers. "On Sunday, Seth and I are going to hell together. I'm the only one coming back."
BRAAUUUUUN. He's wrestling Sami. I forgot, that's why he isn't destroying space and time. Sami Zayn: Canadian Sin Cara. Braun looks through Sami, gets on the mic and says he's not real competition. He goes to leave and Sami jumps him. Stroman nosells it. I didn't hear a bell. Sami runs out of the ring and plays possum for a bit so he can dropkick Stroman a couple times. He tries to do a pescado but Stroman catches him and slams him into the barricade. Sami sells as Stroman walks away. No bell, I guess the ref never called for it! Sami gets to his feet and yells at Braun to come back and wrestle him! Stroman keeps walking.
Backstage, TJP is taking off his wrist tape. The Brian Kendrick asks TJP for help. His chest is bleeding from Swann's chops. He asks TJ to lay down for him because his time is up if he doesn't win. Kendrick is crying. "Trying isn't good enough TJ, I need you to let me win." TJP walks away without saying a word. He carries his luggage with him out of the locker room but there's like a hoodie and a bunch of other stuff in his lil cubbie. He's so disgusted with Kendrick, he doesn't even want that hoodie anymore.
Brock Lesnar. He's accompanied by Paul E. Paul stammers a bunch when deriding Goldberg. Calls him a "guy" and a Brock Lesnar wannabe. "You know," he's immediately interrupted with a suplex city chant. Heyman calls a Goldberg fan chanting over the suplex city chant out and says Goldberg chants are starting to piss Brock off. Nobody starts chanting Goldberg like Paul expected I think. "Goldberg is going to be like humpty dumpty." He then buries the fans who chant "suplex city" as being mindless sheep like the Goldberg fans. This inspires the fans to chant suplex city louder and Brock breaks. Cole points out that of course Brock is getting cheered, this is his hometown. Paul is trying his hardest. He says if you chant Goldberg, Brock is going to come into the crowd and physically stop you from chanting it. That finally gets some people to start Goldberging louder than the suplex city contingent. I wonder if the WWE didn't expect Brock to get cheered in Minneapolis. Huge "Goldberg sucks" chant. The promo just ends and they start playing Brock's music over the crowd chanting Goldberg sucks. Wow.
Backstage, Jericho and Owens commiserate. They're best friends and best friends don't put each other on the list and no matter what happens, best friends stay best friends. Owens seems suspicious though.
Rollins out first for the main event triple threat. Byron says next week there are going to be ghosts, goblins, and spookiness on Halloween night. Goldberg will be live next week as well. Jericho and Owens out next. I missed the bell because I was again vandalizing a Google docs spreadsheet. Jericho and Owens beat up on Rollins together for like ten minutes. Rollins pins both Jericho and Owens at the same time after what was essentially a one man tower of doom. You know how much I hate towers of doom. Post-match, Owens and Jericho keep beating Rollins down around the ringside area. Rollins makes his comeback when security drags JEricho and Owens off him. Owens and Rollins brawl on the ramp and fight off security. They make it back to the ringside area. Owens gets the best of Rollins when he throws him into the ringpost. He turns to leave but comes back just to apron powerbomb Rollins. Owens poses on the ramp to close out the show.
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