Monday Night Raw - 10/17/2016

Live from beautiful Denver, Colorado, it's Monday Night Raw and we're in the mile high city baby!! It's 10/17 and everyone is wrestling tonight in honor of Guwop. They pink ribbons everyone's wearing are actually for Gucci Mane and not Susan G Komen, for one night only. And also GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG GOLDBERG




Show opens with Team Kevin and Chris in the ring. They turned Jericho babyface huh. Kevin is mad at Foley for booking him in a hell in a cell match and shortening his career. So he's going to shorten Seth's career instead. Jericho keeps up with the heel schtick though. Jericho puts Ron Zapata, WWE official, on the list. The crowd pops, though! Owens says he's going to retire Seth. Rollins comes out to a huge babyface reaction. He suggests putting Jericho's scarf, his tattoos, his haircut, his facial hair, and his trunks on the list. He calls him "sparklecrotch." Seth really hammers "sparklecrotch" home until the crowd picks up on how they're supposed to be chanting it. Jericho says Seth isn't on the list yet, but he will be. Jericho is really funny. Seth says Jericho should put his friendship with Kevin on the list. Kevin says the goal of their friendship is to keep him strong. Rollins says yeah, keep Kevin strong and Jericho weak. Rollins then calls him sparkleass. This is definitely a WWE babyface promo on Rollins' part. Jericho says he can beat Rollins any day of the week. Rollins challenges him to a match and convinces him to ban Owens from ringside. Jericho explains that Kevin is still his best friend, he just has to prove a point to Rollins that he's still dangerous and not "just" Owens' friend. Kevin gives him a psych-up speech, they hug, and then Kevin leaves! The match is starting I guess. Maybe I should have a timer out for matches. Maybe that's helpful for the historical record.

Well, I missed the bell by probably 3 seconds for the match so, auspicious start to timing all the matches. After like ten minutes of them just wrestling a normal match, Kevin finally comes back out. Rollins goes to pedigree Chris but Jericho reverses it into the Walls. Owens positions himself so Rollins has to look at him while he's in the hold. Owens pulls the rope away from Seth while he tries to break the hold but the ref catches him and Rollins gets to the rope anyway. Rollins wins via pedigree after countering a codebreaker in 14:37, give or take. Cole says it's Owens fault Jericho lost but like, Seth got the rope break. The ref didn't break the hold until Seth had already broken the plane. I think Cole is wrong here.

Governor John Hickenlooper is here tonight! Get excited everybody, Goldberg invited Governor John Hickenlooper tonight.

They play a pretaped, sitdown interview with Charlotte and Lita. Lita asks how Charlotte prepares to be listed among Mankind, HBK, Taker, etc in the annals of people who have survived Hell in a Cell. Charlotte says she's the greatest woman alive. Lita asks her how it feels for Forbes or whoever to call her the greatest woman alive. Charlotte responds that she's the greatest person alive regardless of gender. She never gets hurt and she always wins, that's why she's better than Sasha. The audio sync is off. Wonder if it's my TV or Comcast or what. Weird. Anyway Charlotte says she's going to beat Sasha. This audio sync deal is real distracting!

The Golden Truth and Mark Henry make their entrance. They cut to commercial before they can get to the good part of the song, where they call him Goldizzle. They're wrestling the Shining Stars and Titus O'Neil tonight. The Shining Stars tried to sell Mark Henry fake Rolexes earlier while Titus was dressed like a pimp. Despite having the stopwatch page up and ready, I still missed the bell, this time by even longer than the Jericho/Rollins match. Why was Titus dressed as a pimp. Mark pins Titus with a World's Strongest Slam in about 3:05, 3:06.

Backstage, Jericho and Owens bicker. Jericho almost calls Owens a stupid idiot but stops himself. Kevin says he's not a stupid idiot you can just put on a list. Jericho says he's not anyone's lackey. Stephanie runs in and breaks it down to them that Rollins is manipulating them to break up their friendship. She needs them on the same team so they can beat Shane's guys at Survivor Series. Jericho and Owens begrudgingly make up.

Sheamus out next with Cesaro. They stood back to back so Cesaro could get himself in the Facebook Live stream he's doing during Sheamus' entrance. IT'S A NEW DAY! Big E will be facing Sheamus tonight. It's day four hundred and twenty into their title reign. They compare Sheamus and Cesaro to Trump and Hillary and the crowd boos. Kofi says Big E is going to beat Sheamus because Sheamus is hot garbage. They shame Sheamus for being on Facebook instead of helping Cesaro beat an injured Kofi. The whole crowd does the shame gesture, it's ridiculous. For 420 days, the New Day has been, legally, your WWE Tag Team Champions. I actually got the stopwatch to start at the right time this time. Watch me miss the finish, now. A good ways into the match, Cesaro wanders out into the crowd with his Facebook stream. Sheamus gets out of the ring to tell him to get back into the ringside area. He takes Cesaro's phone and makes Cesaro tape the finish. Big E hits Sheamus immediately with a stinger splash and rolls him up for three in 10:21. Cesaro and Sheamus bicker after the match with Sheamus slapping Cesaro's phone out of his hand.

Bo Dallas with Curtis Axel out next. They play a clip from the preshow where Bo recites some more poetry and Axel says he believes in Bo. Bo will be wrestling Neville in a match Curtis Axel set up with Mick Foley. I completely forgot about the stopwatch for this match. Bo more or less squashes Neville, pinning him with an overdrive-type finisher in around three minutes. Post-match, Bo turns on Curtis Axel, who Cole is calling Curt Axel now, beating him up all around the ringside area. Poor Neville.

Dana Brooke out to wrestle Bayley, followed by Bayley who's out to wrestle Dana. Big Bayley chants from the Denver faithful. I need to like put a post-it note that says "click the stopwatch" on the side of my monitor. There's been one accurate time tonight. I'd be the worst Green Lantern Fan. Corey says Bayley is the Ken Bone of the WWE. Crowd is so hot for Bayley, wow. Bayley starts to get her babyface comeback and runs through her spots until Dana bails out of the ring. This creates an opening for Dana to slam Bayley into the ring post and pin Bayley clean in a really weird finish. It looked like maybe Bayley was supposed to put her foot on the rope but it didn't happen. Weird. This time I forgot to check the stopwatch after the bell.

Paul Heyman appears live via satellite. Cole looks like a weird troll sitting in his chair. He asks Paul what the deal with Goldberg is. The crowd starts chanting Goldberg. Heyman says that the challenge he issued last week was rhetorical. He says that Brock doesn't think about Goldberg, he isn't worth thinking about. Paul issued the challenge because of the video game and if Goldberg declines the challenge, he might survive. Accepting the challenge will just piss Lesnar off. I don't think this video is really live like the bug claims.

Susan G Komen set explanation transitions nicely into BRAUUUUN. Reminder that Braun promised this week wouldn't happen if Braun didn't get to wrestle real competition. This week he's wrestling three skinny guys being call the Mile High Trio. They get to do the promo. Corey calls Stroman "The Abominable Stro Man." Woof. Maybe this stopwatch deal is a fool's errand. One of the Mile High Trio has an afro and Corey says he's No Way Jose's less threatening brother Perhaps Not. Stroman Jackhammers one guy and then reverse chokeslams a second guy onto him for three. I think the third guy, the afro one, is dead. BRAUN demands a mic. Braun says he's going to find his own quality competition by going to the back and killing everyone he sees. Sami Zayn interrupts him. If they job out Neville and Sami in the same night I'm going to die. BRAUN shoves Sami and he flies out of the ring. Stroman storms up the ramp.

Backstage, A Woman asks Sami why he picked a fight with Braun. Sami says "because nobody else will." It's a real good night for the borderline cruiserweights.

Lana out in a breast cancer outfit (pink, cleavage) to bring Rusev down so he can address Roman Reigns, who Cole is still calling the Big Dog. Rusev with the beard and no mustache looks so much like Claudio from Coheed and Cambria, it's ridiculous. He needs the mustache. He screams at the crowd in Bulgarian when they start chanting USA and what-ing him. Lana points out that American men are cuckolded. Rusev makes fun of Samoans. They eat turkey legs and mayo and they crack coconuts on their heads. Rusev says he has family too and points up at the screen. He puts a picture of a woman who is ostensibly his mother on the screen and the crowd boos her. He says she is a two time world rowing champion and puts a black and white picture of her rowing on the titantron. Lana says she loves her mother-in-law, unlike Americans who hate their mother-in-laws! Rusev screams at the crowd for booing his mother. This segment rules. "I didn't realize they legalized stupidity in this state!" Rusev puts up a picture of his father in a red army uniform. His father was also a wrestling champion. Rusev queues up the next picture but the guy running the powerpoint misses it. The next photo is of an old guy with a ridiculous mustache. Next up is Brother Rusev, a good looking Bulgarian chef. Oh holy cow they show a family photo, it's his shoot family. He shows off his grandmother and his award winning dog. The slideshow is still behind the promo. Trying to sabotage Rusev showing off his wonderful family! Roman interrupts after a bit. Roman says his family is the fans, his Roman Empire. He gets a handful of boos. Roman says Rusev looks more like a dog than man because he doesn't have a cool mustache anymore. Rusev says he just has to make one call and he'll have Roman disappeared. Roman says "oh yeah, who you gonna call?" The crowd yells Ghostbusters. The only person Rusev is gonna call is 911! Lana steps between Rusev and Roman, opening Roman up for the surprise superkick after a slap. Rusev beats up Roman around the ringside area and nails him with the steel steps. Rusev rolls Roman into the ring and tries to set up a contraption with the steps to get Roman some more but Roman recovers. He quickly eats a superkick and then eats the steps. Rusev then sets Roman up on the steps and puts him in the Accolade, like the steps are making the Accolade more powerful.

Emmalina promo video, coming soon.

Gallows and Gun are up. Karl will be wrestling Cass. They do the thing. I really liked Enzo and Cass when I only saw them once every couple of months. Enzo can talk really well when he's not like doing a bit with it where he has to rhyme everything or whatever or cram all his catchphrases in. Big "#BIZCLIZ" sign in the crowd. I wonder if you could sneak a "#BLIZPIZ" sign in. Cass pins Karl clean as a sheet in 1:10 with the East River Crossing. Karl went like 12 minutes or whatever with Okada, can't hang with Big Cass for 90 seconds. Poor Machine Gun.

Bacsktage, Drew Gulak and Tony Nese are dealing with The Brian Kendrick. I think Kendrick wants to screw TJ somehow. TJ shows up and reveals that The Brian Kendrick request a 6-man tag and that the dirty deal Drew, Tony, and TBK are doing is trying to set TJ up and take him out for the Hell in a Cell title match. TJ's partners Rich Swann and Cedric Alexander step in to keep Drew and Tony and Kendrick from jumping TJP in the locker room area.

Sit down interview conducted by Lita with Sasha Banks just like the Charlotte one. It's worse than the Charlotte one. Sasha comes off as too much of a fan, too just "happy to be here." There's no fire like you saw in the Charlotte interview.

The Brian Kendrick, Drew Gulak, and Tony Nese vs Cedric Alexander, Rich Swann, and TJ Perkins. Drew Gulak's entrance music is really good. Nese's is okay. Cedric's is okay but takes too long to get going. Rich Swann's obviously owns but it would way better if they could license actual Lionel Richie. Kendrick and TJP have bad music. I don't generally enjoy Mega Man music though so whatever. Maybe you do, I don't judge. Everyone follows the code of honor. Cole says Drew would fit in with Eagles fans when he slaps Swann following a clean break. TJP chant when he gets tagged in. Kendrick submits Swann with the Captain's Hook in 7:17 after Tony Nese hits Swann with a 450. That was a fun match, felt really short though due to the commercial break.

Backstage, Mick and Stephanie talk about the Survivor Series matches and the Hell in a Cell matches. They talk over each other. Stephanie asks Mick what tricks he has up his sleeve to beat Smackdown next week though now that all of Hell in a Cell is booked. He says triple threat, Owens vs Jericho vs Rollins. Stephanie high-fives the Mickster.

IT'S GOLDBERG O'CLOCK, ALSO KNOWN AS 11. They play the clip of Goldberg with Coach on Sportscenter. Cole welcomes Goldberg back to the WWE. He walks through backstage while the roster cheers for him. This is way less effective than the sheriff's department. The WWE clearly doesn't get what made Goldberg cool. Really barely any Goldberg chants. Can't see him through the pyro when he makes it to the stage. They do catch him exhaling the smoke though which is so cool. He hugs a bunch of kids in the front row. The camera cuts to the governor of Colorado who is like, "wowsers." Now the Goldberg chants pick up, a little too fast though. Goldberg has to stop himself from crying while he poses in the ring. "Holy shit" chant. Goldberg winks at the governor. Goldberg has a weird relationship with this governor. "It's been a long time and you didn't forget." Cole gives Goldberg the floor. "12 years, ladies and gentlemen. Never say never, eh? Never thought I'd be in this ring again, so thank you for the humble return. What makes it so special is that my wife and my son are here to see me live for the first time ever." Wow, maybe go home sometime Goldberg sheesh. "Now, back in January, I got a phone call from 2k and WWE and I got the opportunity to travel all around the world to promote 2k WWE 17. Now, as I said it's been 12 years, there's been a lot of things I missed in this business. The biggest thing I missed other than kicking ass is being a superhero for the kids all around the world. This day and age, there ain't enough of us. So going around the world promoting the video game gave me that opportunity. I could go to Germany, I could go to Toronto, and I could shake their hand. I could see it in their eyes: I was Goldberg. It gave me--" He pauses for a big ol' chant. "Okay, thank you. It gave me the opportunity to be that superhero again but unfortunately along the way I created a little drama back here in WWE. And what that did is it made me think. And I thought long and hard and I think that maybe it's better left along. Maybe I keep it in the video game. but then! Brock Lesnar challenged me to a fight! But he didn't have the balls to do it himself, he made Paul Heyman, his fat little stooge, do it for him. So that got me thinking, Simon what would you do? What would you do?" Who is Simon. "And I thought to myself maybe I have one more asskicking left in me. I thought to myself maybe I have one more badass spear left in me. Then I thought to myself maybe I have one last devastating jackhammer in me. So, Brock Lesnar. Not only does that mean that you're next, but most importantly it means Brock Lesnar, you're last." Bill throws down the mic and reveals a t shirt. Goldberg grabs a kid from out of the crowd and carries him up over the barricade and holds him there. Goldberg brings his son out of the crowd and holds him up on his shoulders too. His wife is there and she's crying. Goldberg hugs basically every child in the front row. Goldberg is really cool, man. Cole says Brock will be there live in Minneapolis to respond to Goldberg. I love Tanahashi in large part because he hugs everyone so of course I love Goldberg doing this. Not only is he cool, he speaks slowly enough for me to be able to write up his entire promo in real time. Man. Worth the hype despite the entrance.