It's Martin Luther King Day and you know what that means: Martin Luther King Day package on Monday Night Raw. This year it's set to an all-white Christian rock band. At the top of the show, before the package, there was a in memoriam for Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, the second best wrestler to ever murder a woman named Nancy. Monday Night Raw is live tonight from beautiful Little Rock, Arkansas. A guy in the front row has a sign that says "Happy MLK Day." They announced on twitter a little while ago that Kurt Angle is going into the Hall of Fame this year. Tyler Bate became the first WWE UK Champion. I guess this is my one year anniversary of liveblogging every episode of Raw. I hate it.
The show opens with a Little Rock of it's own as Roman Reigns's music hits and he works his way to the ring. He starts cutting a promo about how it's going to feel good to get KO in the ring with Jericho dangling high above them in the shark cage. A fan, like a single fan, "WHATs" him and it makes him lose his train of thought for a second. Heyman comes out. He calls himself "the calm before the storm" since Lesnar will be in the building tonight. The crowd chants Goldberg at Heyman to the point where he has to be quiet. Roman turns on Heyman when Heyman says that Brock is going to win the Rumble and beat whoever is champ at Wrestlemania. Owens's music hits and he and the US champ come down. Okay they're doing the ring filling thing they did last week. Rollins' music hits and he talks for a second and then Braun's music hits and he storms down. The Brockster's music hits and he comes out. "Heyman warned us!" shrieks Cole. While Lesnar makes his entrance, Sami Zayn runs in from the crowd and jumps Stroman. A brawl breaks out. Zayn, Rollins, and Reigns take out Braun. Lesnar comes in, clears out Rollins and Reigns and stares down with Sami. Lesnar germans him and Stroman comes back in. Woof. Stroman begs off which let's Reigns catch Lesnar with a superman punch, Reigns then takes out Owens and Jericho who try to pick Lesnar's bones, allowing Brock to recover and drop Reigns. Lesnar's music resumes playing and the only men left standing are Braun and Brock. And Owens but I don't think he's supposed to be standing because they keep cutting away when he's in the shot.
Looks like Enzo's back in action as he and Big Cass face off against Rusev and Jinder Mahal. Cass does some spots that are like "check out this big dude I bet he'll perform well in the Royal Rumble." Enzo and Cass pin Jinder with their double team move.
Ariya Daivari faces off against Lince Dorado in the purple zone with Jack Gallagher on commentary. Lince taps out. That's it. This division is so boring.
They play footage of Sasha warming up in the ring when Nia Jax ambushed her earlier this afternoon.
Cesaro has a little goatee now. He and Sheamus are wrestling tonight and also they're entered in the Royal Rumble. Corey read a tweet that Karl Anderson wrote that had a hashtag in it except Corey skipped the hashtag, making the tweet nonsense. The Shameful Swingers are facing the Club tonight with the belts on the line. Cole does an ad read for Vudu but he very conspicuously spells it out "V-U-D-U" instead of pronouncing it voodoo like a normal person. Does TV-PG mean you can't say voodoo? They go through their spots, the match hurtles towards the finish. Sheamus hits the ref knocking him out. Anderson and Gallows throw Sheamus into the post and hit Cesaro with the Magic Killer. Anderson pins Cesaro for a 13 count before a referee runs in and makes the count. JOHN CONE wakes up though and overturns the finish, Gallows and Anderson win by DQ but Cesaro and Sheamus retain the belt.
They play a video package for Snuka. Huh.
Another Emmalina teaser.
Sami Zayn is backstage with Roman and Rollins. Zayn has plans to take on Stroman and team Kevin and Chris in the main event. They're making Sami looks like a geek that doesn't belong there! They both walk out on him when he tries to fist bump.
Rich Swann comes out for a match in the purple zone but Neville jumps him before he can get in the ring. Heel Neville is fun. Swann fires back and they brawl until the refs pull them apart. Nese then jumps Swann. Neville pulls Nese off but Nese jumps back on Swann so Neville tosses him out of the ring.
Backstage, a guy who looks like a young George Michael asks Neville why he jumped Rich. Neville calls him "Mike." Neville calls him a hypocrite and I'm not sure why. He also calls every American a hypocrite. He says he's going to humble Rich Swann at the rumble. Heel Neville is really fun.
IT'S A NEW DAY YES IT IS. They're doing Booty-O showers still. E finds a woman in the front row and dumps two boxes of Booty-Os on her while shrieking. They changed the tune of the chant from New, Day Rocks to just New Day Rocks. The New Day run down the people entered into the Rumble. The New Day are also entering themselves in the Royal Rumble. The New Day tease a breakup but it was just that, a tease. "WE ALL WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE!" they yell in unison. They're all going to main event Wrestlemania together and hold the Universal title together. Titus's music hits. He's not interested in "Booty Os or your Booty Business." He doesn't want to be in the New Day anymore. He wants to replace the New Day! Kofi calls Titus a bad football player. Titus wants Big E vs Titus for the rights to Big E's Rumble spot. Big E says he accepts as long as Titus stops showing him his dick. Titus calls Big E "thickems."
Big E pins Titus after a match where the highlight is Corey saying that Titus shows his dick to people in a brand building effort.
Hacksaw talks about the Rumble in a video package.
Charlotte out for the 10pm segment to talk about her PPV streak. Charlotte starts calling Bayley average and shows a bunch of pictures of Bayley with wrestlers on the titantron. Charlotte says while Bayley was being a mark, Charlotte was being an elite athlete. Charlotte talks about how she was in college while Bayley was in elementary school like that's supposed to be insulting to Bayley instead of her. She plays a clip of Bayley reading a high school essay about how she wanted to be a wrestler. This is really good. Bayley breaks down crying in the clip about how she wanted to be a pro wrestler but Charlotte mocks her. Charlotte then pulls out a copy of the essay where Bayley says she'll know she made it when she holds the Women's title, a dream Bayley won't ever know. Charlotte then says someone who wrestled on the indies will never be as good as someone who was born into the business. Like in a vacuum this would be perfect but the WWE's messaging has been on Charlotte's side for the last 15 years. It's still good, the crowd is chanting "we want Bayley." Charlotte is so close to calling her a mark after Bayley comes out. "Are you trying to embarrass me?" "...aren't you a little?" Bayley should show Charlotte a clip of her on Nitro.
Backstage, Braun, Kevin, and Chris do the same thing that Sami, Roman, and Seth did except Braun is the serious guy and Team Kevin and Chris are the goofballs. Braun says he's going to literally murder the babyfaces, leaving Kevin and Chris uncharacteristically speechless.
We're back in the purple zone, baby! Cedric Alexander comes out without Alicia FUCHHHS as they broke up and she had a temper tantrum on 205 Live, the bad show I won't watch. He wrestles The Brian Kendrick. Alicia Fox comes out to ringside and you can hear her "I LOVE EVERYBODY CEDRIC." Cedric wins with the Lumbar Check. Alicia tries to hug Cedric after the match but Cedric ducks her and walks out.
The guy interviews Alicia Fox backstage and she freaks out screaming at him in a weird voice.
Kurt Angle in the hall.
It's main event time at 10:35, Team Kevin, Chris, and Braun vs Sami Zayn, Roman Reigns, and Seth Rollins. Chris Jericho is wearing the scarf he tried to give to Braun last time he was in a six man tag with him. Entrances and multiple commercial breaks take over ten minutes to resolve as the bell doesn't ring until at least 10:46 as the match started during a break. They're literally daring people to tune out. I think I'm the only person in the world who is still watching. Owens faces off with Sami Zayn. Remember when they said Kevin and Sami weren't going to wrestle again earlier this year? And then they did wrestle again? A bunch of times? With diminishing returns? I imagine this segment will get a 0.0001 rating as I am the last person left watching. ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK. This match is interminable and boring as sin and yet the crowd is chanting "This is awesome." How can the same company that put on last night's UK Championship Tournament put on this terrible television show. Braun pins Sami clean with his running powerslam. He then picks Sami up and carries him up to the stage. He goes to put him through the announce table but Rollins and Reigns stop him with a chair and a spear. Commentary has run away so this all happens in total silence. Roman and Rollins clear the table but Jericho and Owens stop them before they can presumably put Braun through it. Kevin and Chris go to power bomb Reigns through the table but Rollins recovers and pedigrees Jericho. Owens uses a chair to drop Seth and then bends the chair across Roman's back. He then power bombs Roman through the table. The show ends with Owens standing on top of a pile of bodies while the crowd chants "YES." So that's cool. Monday Night Raw!
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