Live from beautiful Cleveland, Ohio, it's the longest running episodic uh you know. It's Monday Night Raw! Goldberg is booked.
I dread watching this show so I tuned in a couple minutes late. Roman is in the ring with the shark cage and Kevin and Chris are on the ramp dressing him down. Roman gets Jericho all riled up and Jericho accidentally grants Roman a rematch for the US title. Kevin accepts it in Chris' name as Chris is speechless.
Gallows vs Cesaro is the first match tonight. Turns out I'm still mad about the dusty finish from last week. I don't understand why the WWE would book a dusty finish where the heels go over. Cesaro karelin lifts Doc, he's really strong. Cesaro does a beautiful tornado DDT. They should let him work big dudes like Festus more often so he can wrestle like a cruiserweight. Gallows wins with an F-5 flapjack looking deal off a distraction by Karl Anderson. Like a spinout flapjack I guess.
Backstage, the Mickster is on the phone with Stephanie McMahon. Sami runs in and asks when he's going to be in the Rumble. Mick says "Right now!" but Stephanie cuts him off and books Sami vs Seth Rollins, if Sami wins he gets a spot in the Rumble. Mick then tells Stephanie to take him off speaker and gives him orders that he agree with but promises to follow through.
They air a video with Corey Graves interviewing Bayley about what going to the Rumble means to her. He asks why Charlotte thinks being a fan is bad.
Backstage, Seth is taping his wrists when the Mickster walks in. He tells Seth than Stephanie says that Seth has to wrestle Sami in a qualification match but it's not just Sami qualifying. If Sami wins, he gets Rollins' spot.
That match is next. Hey Paul, let Sami out of the doghouse! This is a pretty long, surprisingly back and forth match that goes through the 9pm segment. Seth does a wrist-clutch Sling Blade that is pretty funny. Rollins also teases a Pepsi Plunge that Sami reverses. Rollins lays Sami out with an apron Pedigree but before he can get the pin, HHH's babyface music hits. This distracts Seth long enough for Sami to recover and roll Rollins up. HHH has screwed Rollins out of the Royal Rumble!
Seth is backstage and he's really mad. He runs into Mick who blames it on production. Seth blows up and storms out.
Drew Gulak, Tony Nese, and Ariya Daivari face off with Mustafa Ali, TJ Perkins, and Jack Gallagher in the purple zone. Can't wait to see how the WWE misuses a great guy like Mustafa Ali. Might as well be an empty arena match for how invested the crowd, who were pretty loud for the last match, are. The babyfaces win.
Backstage, the New Day are on a cart and they scare Mikaze.
IT'S A NEW DAY. Corey says the way the New Day dump loads of Booty Os on the crowd is unsanitary. They're out for Royal Rumble predictions apparently. Xavier talks for a couple seconds before Enzo and Cass interrupt. They don't even get through their whole thing before Rusev, Jinder, and Lana interrupt. Rusev calls Big Cass "Big Goose." The crowd chants USA at Rusev, "THIS IS NOT ABOUT USA, THIS IS ABOUT THEIR STUPID NAMES." He says calling E and Cass "Big" is like calling him "Handsome Rusev." "Everybody knows you're big and everybody knows I'm handsome." He enters the Rumble. Titus O'Neil comes out next. Xavier says he's sick of Titus and offers to catch him outside. Titus is confused about what that means somehow. Titus reveals there's an 8 man tag match tonight, the five babyfaces against the three heels plus Lana. Woods is confused. Lana isn't going to wrestle! BRAAAUUUUN is the 4th heel. That match starts.
It's Rusev, Jinder, Braun, and Titus vs Kofi, E, Enzo, and Cass. Braun wins when he smushes Enzo into powder. Braun gloats post-match only to be interrupted by a trim, thin, svelte Big Show. Strowman and Show circle each other for a bit and Strowman begs off. Big Show and the New Day run in on commentary. Big Show, off mic, says "I just wanted to let you guys know I'm back." As they walk away Cole goes "That guy's huge. He's actually huge."
The ten o'clock segment is Jericho versus Roman for the US title, with Owens on commentary. Match ends with Owens running in so Reigns wins via disqualification. Owens calls down the shark cage which has been suspended above the ring all night. They try to lock the big dog in the kennel, as Corey puts it, but Roman fires back and locks Owens in it instead. Owens gets lifted high above the ring. Jericho tries to hold on to the cage but Roman superman punches him down. He then spears Jericho and poses while Owens is above the ring. This is making me very uncomfortable, especially the part where Jericho got picked up for a second and was dangling a couple feet above the ring without a harness or anything. They cut to commercial and when they return, Jericho is still in the cage, though it's in the ring again. Owens lets him out and he and Chris have a temper tantrum. Charly shows up and informs team Kevin and Chris that the title match is No DQ now, in addition to it being a Jericho gets suspended above the ring in a shark cage match. Owens is mad.
Corey interviews Charlotte in a pretape.
Nia Jax squashes someone, Scarlett Bordeaux I think, in a matter of seconds. I wasn't paying attention and missed the entire match and the first half of the replay. Nia grabs a mic and dedicates the match to the memory of Sasha Banks' career. I get why Byron wanted Nia Jax to be his mom a couple weeks ago now that she's cutting promos. Sasha limps out with her leg still in a cast and using a crutch. It was a trick and Sasha bends the crutch over Nia's back. She then hits her with an apron-to-floor meteora. Sasha needs to learn how to do a 630.
Another Emmalina vignette. These are so icky.
We're in the purple zone again tonight for Rich Swann versus Noam Dar. Dar is accompanied by Alicia Fox who is his new girlfriend. 205 Live seems like a nightmare. I watched the first episode and it was really bad and nothing I've seen from these recaps on Raw has looked even vaguely good. Swann's a really good wrestler, it's a shame the WWE won't do anything with him. Noam Dar gets thrown to the outside and hides behind Alicia Fox before Swann can dive on him. Swann leaves the ring to threaten Alicia and she starts yelling at a kid in the front row to "get him!" Swann gets the win with a cool wheel kick to the head. Post-match he gets on the mic and calls out Neville. Neville comes out to his new music, which is his old music with downtempo electric guitar over top of it. Swann jumps Neville as he tries to get in the ring so Neville runs away as soon as he escapes.
Backstage, Charly asks Cedric Alexander for his thoughts on facing Neville on 205 Live. He says he's looking forward to putting Alicia Fox behind him. Alicia and Noam Dar run in. Alicia says that Cedric won't be a winner without Alicia and Noam says that he'll always be a winner with Alicia. Noam asks Cedric if he'll put their beef behind them, Cedric says that he'll forget about the girlfriend stuff but won't forget about Noam jumping him. He shoves Cedric and Alicia starts screaming. "You almost made him cry!"
Goldberg out for the final segment tonight. Goldberg is bleeding from his scalp. Way to shave, Bill. He keeps screwing up the promo. He rubs the blood on his head and smears it around. He goes to tell the 29 other rumble competitors that they're next when Paul Heyman comes out. Paul sells the potential matchups you could see in the rumble. Goldberg vs Orton, vs Stroman, vs a surprise competitor, vs the Undertaker, et cetera. Or, if you're lucky, you could see Brock Lesnar. Lesnar's music hits and out he comes. Paul holds Lesnar back so he can taunt Goldberg more. Goldberg cuts Paul off to provoke Lesnar. Lesnar storms down to the ring. Someone wiped Goldberg's head at some point during this segment. Lesnar hops in the ring and stares down 'Berg when the lights go out. DONG! The Dead Man is here and he locks eyes with Goldberg and Lesnar. Raw goes off the air without a single punch thrown.
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