Live from beautiful Tampa Bay, Florida, it's the first Monday Night Raw of a new year! Goldberg and Undertaker are booked tonight I think. Cool that Undertaker did that whole promo about being a Smackdown regular now a couple months ago and then the next time he shows up it's literally a different year and it's on Raw. Oh well, let's get the worst weekly wrestling show on the road!
The show starts with the Mickster in the ring. Team Kevin and Chris interrupt. Mick cut his hair. Kevin insists that nothing they do is a joke. Chris makes Kevin call Chris a sexy pinata. Jericho says it's not right to put him in the cage of Jericho and lock him in mannnnn. Team Kevin and Chris are so funny. I don't do them justice. Mick books Kevin in a talk show segment. I hate those segments. Kevin says Mick is overstepping his bounds. Stephanie comes out to back Mick up. They do some boring banter and Kevin cuts them off. She books Chris in a title match against Roman Reigns and if Roman loses by DQ he also loses the belt. Jericho asks Stephanie to ban Seth from ringside. Mick says Jericho should be the one banned from ringside and Kevin loses his mind. "CHRIS IS IN THE MATCH." He makes the worst face it's amazing. Stephanie books Kevin vs Rollins, loser is banned from ringside in the title match. Seth Rollins vs Kevin Owens is next!
Owens gets himself disqualified after a pretty long match after braining Rollins with the ring bell. Rollins then very nearly hits him with a pedigree. Great champ.
Cesaro vs Karl Anderson is the next match up, with Sheamus on commentary. Sheamus is holding his headset like an idiot so it doesn't squash his mohawk and it's making his voice sound extremely tinny. This match should be good. Corey calls Byron the WWE's Lord Varys. Anderson wins with a diving neckbreaker after Sheamus and Gallows get involved and distract Cesaro.
Sami Zayn faces off against Braun in a last man standing match next. They brawl for a while and end up backstage where they continue to brawl. They stumble back out through the curtain around the stage. They get up on the stage itself and Braun slams Sami into the LED boards a bunch of times. Sami won't give up though. He has a chair and he's not afraid to use it! He hits Stroman with a helluva kick through a chair and then crossbodies him off the stage, through a table. Sami gets back to his feet at two. Stroman gets back up at five or so. He stumbles towards the ramp as Sami picks the chair back up. The equalizer to the back of Stroman! This wakes Stroman up and the worm turns on Sami. Braun beats Sami down to the ringside area and then knocks him out for a count of ten. Corey and Cole draw parallels to Mick versus the Rock from Royal Rumble 99 but like, Sami doesn't stand back up to eat more chairs like Mick did. He just curls up and dies! This doesn't put him over at all. They do a stretcher job on Sami but Braun throws him off the stretcher and into the barricade. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust," Braun yells at him.
Backstage, Jack Gallagher is teaching the New Day how to fence. They deliberately mishear him saying "persistence" as "per hip stance." They gyrate until Jack leaves and the camera fades out.
IT'S A NEW DAY, YES IT IS. New Day promo time. They say they've had a lot of back and forth, some of it Raw and some of it not. Gross, guys. They've "dipped their sticks" in the Royal Rumble, entering themselves into it. They start to share their New Years Resolutions. Someone comes on over the microphone to interrupt them and it's Titus O'Neil. I hope this is goofy, ridiculous Titus and not serious, heel Titus. He offers to join the New Day to help them reach their goals. He does all their catchphrases. He can dance. He tries to play Franchesca II II but Woods says "nobody touches my girl but me." Titus pulls a whistle out of his tights and does the New, Day Rocks beat on it while twerking. The crowd applauds. Big E says he blows. Like the whistle, get it. Titus wants his face on a box of Booty-Os. Byron says he's losing his appetite. Byron talking about eating ass is way better than JBL doing it. Woods says people would rather see Titus' face on a milk carton. Titus is huge. He says Woods has jokes despite being "the weakest link in the New Day." Woods has a finger splint on. He challenges Titus to a match. Titus shoves Woods over and bails. He then accepts the match and demands a referee.
Woods wins after a cheat-y finish as is the New Day's modus operandi.
Stephanie talks to Bayley but I'm making dinner so I can't hear it. Whoops.
Cedric out to face Drew Gulak. Cedric Alexander is accompanied by Alicia Fuuuuuuuchs. Austin Aries on commentary. Drew Gulak is accompanied by Tony Nese. What a bad pairing. They should hire another Catchpoint guy to team with Gulak. Hot Sauce maybe. Gulak pins Cedric after Alicia accidentally distracts him.
Jericho versus champion Roman Reigns for the US title is next. I guess they're doing Goldberg in the main event. Owens is banned from ringside, and if Roman is DQed or counted out he will lose the belt. Jericho goes for the count out victory. With this stipulation I always wonder why the person who would win the belt on a DQ doesn't pay someone they are unaffiliated with to run in and hit them with a move to DQ their opponent. I bet Jericho could get like, Jinder Mahal to do it. Jericho tries to Eddie Guerrero Roman to get him DQed by pretending Roman got him with the belt. The ref doesn't buy it so Chris hits Roman with a codebreaker. Roman kicks out and spears Chris for three.
The Brian Kendrick wrestles TJ Perkins. Again. What are the WWE thinking. Perkins makes Kendrick tap to the knee bar. Nevile was watching on a TV in the back.
Video package for the UK show. I wonder if they regret making this push after the ITV show didn't do too great this weekend. Starts January 14th and 15th.
New Emmalina teaser, this time there's voice over. They're turning this into a teasing fetish gimmick I guess. I feel like I've used the phrase "teasing fetish gimmick" in this blog before.
Cass and Enzo out, Enzo is in a rascal, selling the Rusev stuff. I'm hearing air horn-y sounds. Cass is going to take on Rusev and Jinder, two on one, and unsurprisingly Rusev wins.
Bayler will face Nia Jax next for a shot at Charlotte's title. They're acknowledging the Charlotte PPV streak now. Bayley beats Nia after getting beat up for an entire match thanks to Sasha coming down and distracting Nia.
WWE is doing a bad hot take show now with Rosenberg, JBL, and Paul E. and it starts immediately following Raw. Some sample questions that will be addressed: Will Conor McGregor jump ship to the WWE? Will Hulk Hogan return to the WWE? Jesus.
HBK advertised for next week along with the Undertaker? I could have sworn the Undertaker was booked for tonight.
It's the Kevin Owens Show! Kevin comes out with Jericho. Kevin has a Kevin Owens Show placard and it's being worn as a mask by a guy who is just standing there. Goldberg chants immediately start up. Owens says this is Team Kevin and Chris main eventing Raw. Kevin introduces his first guest, a WCW alumni who defined an era: Chris Jericho. The crowd actually seems to be cooling on the Goldberg chants. Tampa Bay gets put on the List for "chanting the name Goldberg during the Kevin Owens Show." Jericho has a big bombshell. Jericho says that we already know entrant number one and entrant number two, Lesnar and Goldberg respectively, but entrant number three is Chris Jericho. Kevin is upset that Jericho would enter the match but Jericho says that it doesn't matter who wins the belt, they can basically take a night off and wrestle each other, they're still co-champions. Kevin says he doesn't want to wrestle his best friend and that's when Goldberg's music kicks in and the sign guy runs away. I don't understand how the WWE is so bad at shooting Goldberg's entrance. Kevin calls Goldberg "Bill" and asks him to take a seat. Goldberg throws Owens' chair into the crowd. "You know what happens Goldberg when you throw chairs around?" "Yeah, Spear. Jackhammer. That's what happens." Owens says he's not intimidated by Goldberg. He then also clears the ring of furniture. They get in each other's face. This is a really good segment. "Take your shot, champ," says Goldberg. This was a really good segment until Paul E. comes out. He says that Brock is going to beat everyone up whatever the things he usually says. Then Roman comes out. They're filling the ring like this is the go-home show. It's still three weeks away. Braun's music hits and Heyman, Kevin, and Chris run away. Braun says he's going to win the rumble. Goldberg and Roman ignore him and continue staring each other down. Roman breaks eye contact first but they both eventually turn to Braun. They double spear Stroman and he dies. Roman leaves and Goldberg poses on the turnbuckle to end the show.
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